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are　represented　in　a　most　agreeable　manner；　they　are　seen　in　an

elegant　theatre；　fitted　with　appropriate　scenery　of　great　beauty；

and　they　are　described　in　a　very　sensible　and　unpretending　lecture；

delivered　with　a　modesty　which　is　quite　a　pattern　to　all　similar

exponents。　　Though　extremely　ugly；　they　are　much　better　shaped　than

such　of　their　predecessors　as　I　have　referred　to；　and　they　are

rather　picturesque　to　the　eye；　though　far　from　odoriferous　to　the

nose。　　What　a　visitor　left　to　his　own　interpretings　and　imaginings

might　suppose　these　noblemen　to　be　about；　when　they　give　vent　to

that　pantomimic　expression　which　is　quite　settled　to　be　the　natural

gift　of　the　noble　savage；　I　cannot　possibly　conceive；　for　it　is　so

much　too　luminous　for　my　personal　civilisation　that　it　conveys　no

idea　to　my　mind　beyond　a　general　stamping；　ramping；　and　raving；

remarkable　（as　everything　in　savage　life　is）　for　its　dire

uniformity。　　But　let　us　…　with　the　interpreter's　assistance；　of

which　I　for　one　stand　so　much　in　need　…　see　what　the　noble　savage

does　in　Zulu　Kaffirland。



The　noble　savage　sets　a　king　to　reign　over　him；　to　whom　he　submits

his　life　and　limbs　without　a　murmur　or　question；　and　whose　whole

life　is　passed　chin　deep　in　a　lake　of　blood；　but　who；　after　killing

incessantly；　is　in　his　turn　killed　by　his　relations　and　friends；

the　moment　a　grey　hair　appears　on　his　head。　　All　the　noble　savage's

wars　with　his　fellow…savages　（and　he　takes　no　pleasure　in　anything

else）　are　wars　of　extermination　…　which　is　the　best　thing　I　know　of

him；　and　the　most　comfortable　to　my　mind　when　I　look　at　him。　　He

has　no　moral　feelings　of　any　kind；　sort；　or　description；　and　his

'mission'　may　be　summed　up　as　simply　diabolical。



The　ceremonies　with　which　he　faintly　diversifies　his　life　are；　of

course；　of　a　kindred　nature。　　If　he　wants　a　wife　he　appears　before

the　kennel　of　the　gentleman　whom　he　has　selected　for　his　father…in…

law；　attended　by　a　party　of　male　friends　of　a　very　strong　flavour；

who　screech　and　whistle　and　stamp　an　offer　of　so　many　cows　for　the

young　lady's　hand。　　The　chosen　father…in…law　…　also　supported　by　a

high…flavoured　party　of　male　friends　…　screeches；　whistles；　and

yells　（being　seated　on　the　ground；　he　can't　stamp）　that　there　never

was　such　a　daughter　in　the　market　as　his　daughter；　and　that　he　must

have　six　more　cows。　　The　son…in…law　and　his　select　circle　of

backers　screech；　whistle；　stamp；　and　yell　in　reply；　that　they　will

give　three　more　cows。　　The　father…in…law　（an　old　deluder；　overpaid

at　the　beginning）　accepts　four；　and　rises　to　bind　the　bargain。　　The

whole　party；　the　young　lady　included；　then　falling　into　epileptic

convulsions；　and　screeching；　whistling；　stamping；　and　yelling

together　…　and　nobody　taking　any　notice　of　the　young　lady　（whose

charms　are　not　to　be　thought　of　without　a　shudder）　…　the　noble

savage　is　considered　married；　and　his　friends　make　demoniacal　leaps

at　him　by　way　of　congratulation。



When　the　noble　savage　finds　himself　a　little　unwell；　and　mentions

the　circumstance　to　his　friends；　it　is　immediately　perceived　that

he　is　under　the　influence　of　witchcraft。　　A　learned　personage；

called　an　Imyanger　or　Witch　Doctor；　is　immediately　sent　for　to

Nooker　the　Umtargartie；　or　smell　out　the　witch。　　The　male

inhabitants　of　the　kraal　being　seated　on　the　ground；　the　learned

doctor；　got　up　like　a　grizzly　bear；　appears；　and　administers　a

dance　of　a　most　terrific　nature；　during　the　exhibition　of　which

remedy　he　incessantly　gnashes　his　teeth；　and　howls：…　'I　am　the

original　physician　to　Nooker　the　Umtargartie。　　Yow　yow　yow！　　No

connexion　with　any　other　establishment。　　Till　till　till！　　All　other

Umtargarties　are　feigned　Umtargarties；　Boroo　Boroo！　but　I　perceive

here　a　genuine　and　real　Umtargartie；　Hoosh　Hoosh　Hoosh！　in　whose

blood　I；　the　original　Imyanger　and　Nookerer；　Blizzerum　Boo！　will

wash　these　bear's　claws　of　mine。　　O　yow　yow　yow！'　　All　this　time

the　learned　physician　is　looking　out　among　the　attentive　faces　for

some　unfortunate　man　who　owes　him　a　cow；　or　who　has　given　him　any

small　offence；　or　against　whom；　without　offence；　he　has　conceived　a

spite。　　Him　he　never　fails　to　Nooker　as　the　Umtargartie；　and　he　is

instantly　killed。　　In　the　absence　of　such　an　individual；　the　usual

practice　is　to　Nooker　the　quietest　and　most　gentlemanly　person　in

company。　　But　the　nookering　is　invariably　followed　on　the　spot　by

the　butchering。



Some　of　the　noble　savages　in　whom　Mr。　Catlin　was　so　strongly

interested；　and　the　diminution　of　whose　numbers；　by　rum　and

smallpox；　greatly　affected　him；　had　a　custom　not　unlike　this；

though　much　more　appalling　and　disgusting　in　its　odious　details。



The　women　being　at　work　in　the　fields；　hoeing　the　Indian　corn；　and

the　noble　savage　being　asleep　in　the　shade；　the　chief　has　sometimes

the　condescension　to　come　forth；　and　lighten　the　labour　by　looking

at　it。　　On　these　occasions；　he　seats　himself　in　his　own　savage

chair；　and　is　attended　by　his　shield…bearer：　who　holds　over　his

head　a　shield　of　cowhide　…　in　shape　like　an　immense　mussel　shell　…

fearfully　and　wonderfully；　after　the　manner　of　a　theatrical

supernumerary。　　But　lest　the　great　man　should　forget　his　greatness

in　the　contemplation　of　the　humble　works　of　agriculture；　there

suddenly　rushes　in　a　poet；　retained　for　the　purpose；　called　a

Praiser。　　This　literary　gentleman　wears　a　leopard's　head　over　his

own；　and　a　dress　of　tigers'　tails；　he　has　the　appearance　of　having

come　express　on　his　hind　legs　from　the　Zoological　Gardens；　and　he

incontinently　strikes　up　the　chief's　praises；　plunging　and　tearing

all　the　while。　　There　is　a　frantic　wickedness　in　this　brute's

manner　of　worrying　the　air；　and　gnashing　out；　'O　what　a　delightful

chief　he　is！　　O　what　a　delicious　quantity　of　blood　he　sheds！　　O　how

majestically　he　laps　it　up！　　O　how　charmingly　cruel　he　is！　　O　how

he　tears　the　flesh　of　his　enemies　and　crunches　the　bones！　　O　how

like　the　tiger　and　the　leopard　and　the　wolf　and　the　bear　he　is！　　O；

row　row　row　row；　how　fond　I　am　of　him！'　which　might　tempt　the

Society　of　Friends　to　charge　at　a　hand…gallop　into　the　Swartz…Kop

location　and　exterminate　the　whole　kraal。



When　war　is　afoot　among　the　noble　savages　…　which　is　always　…　the

chief　holds　a　council　to　ascertain　whether　it　is　the　opinion　of　his

brothers　and　friends　in　general　that　the　enemy　shall　be

exterminated。　　On　this　occasion；　after　the　performance　of　an

Umsebeuza；　or　war　song；　…　which　is　exactly　like　all　the　other

songs；　…　the　chief　makes　a　speech　to　his　brothers　and　friends；

arranged　in　single　file。　　No　particular　order　is　observed　during

the　delivery　of　this　address；　but　every　gentleman　who　finds　himself

excited　by　the　subject；　instead　of　crying　'Hear；　hear！'　as　is　the

custom　with　us；　darts　from　the　rank　and　tramples　out　the　life；　or

crushes　the　skull；　or　mashes　the　face；　or　scoops　out　the　eyes；　or

breaks　the　limbs；　or　performs　a　whirlwind　of　atrocities　on　the

body；　of　an　imaginary　enemy。　　Several　gentlemen　becoming　thus

excited　at　once；　and　pounding　away　without　the　least　regard　to　the

orator；　that　illustrious　person　is　rather　in　the　position　of　an

orator　in　an　Irish　House　of　Commons。　　But；　several　of　these　scenes

of　savage　life　bear　a　strong　generic　resemblance　to　an　Irish

election；　and　I　think　would　be　extremely　well　received　and

understood　at　Cork。



In　all　these　ceremonies　the　noble　savage　holds　forth　to　the　utmost

possible　extent　about　himself；　from　which　（to　turn　him　to　some

civilised　account）　we　may　learn；　I　think；　that　as　egotism　is　one　of

the　most　offensive　and　contemptible　littlenesses　a　civilised　man

can　exhibit；　so　it　is　really　incompatible　with　the　interchange　of

ideas；　inasmuch　as　if　we　all　talked　about　ourselves　we　should　soon

have　no　listeners；　and　must　be　all　yelling　and　screeching　at　once

on　our　own　separate　accounts：　making　society　hideous。　　It　is　my

opinion　that　if　we　retained　in　us　anything　of　the　noble　savage；　we

could　not　get　rid　of　it　too　soon。　　But　the　fact　is　clearly

otherwise。　　Upon　the　wife　and　dowry　question；　substituting　coin　for

cows；　we　have　assuredly　nothing　of　the　Zulu　Kaffir　left。　　The

endurance　of　despotism　is　one　great　distinguishing　mark　of　a　savage

always。　　The　improving　world　has　quite　got　the　better　of　that　too。

In　like　manner；　Paris　is　a　civilised　city；　and　the　Theatre　Francais

a　highly　civilised　theatre；　and　we　shall　never　hear；　and　never　have

heard　in　these　later　days　（of　course）　of　the　Praiser　THERE。　　No；

no；　civilised　poets　have　better　work　to　do。　　As　to　Nookering

Umtargarties；　there　are　no　pretended　Umtargarties　in　Europe；　and　no

European　powers　to　Nooker　them；　that　would　be　mere　spydom；

subordination；　small　malice；　superstition；　and　false　pretence。　　And

as　to　private　Umtargarties；　are　we　not　in　the　year　eighteen　hundred

and　fifty…three；　with　spirits　rapping　at　our　doors？



To　conclude　as　I　began。　　My　position　is；　that　if　we　have　anything

to　learn　from　the　Noble　Savage；　it　is　what　to　avoid。　　His　virtues

are　a　fable；　his　happiness　is　a　delusion；　his　nobility；　nonsense。



We　have　no　greater　justification　for　being　cruel　to　the　miserable

object；　than　for　being　cruel　to　a　WILLIAM　SHAKESPEARE　or　an　ISAAC

NEWTON；　but　he　passes　away　before　an　immeasurably　better　and　higher

power　than　ever　ran　wild　in　any　earthly　woods；　and　the　world　will

be　all　the　better　when　his　place　knows　him　no　more。







A　FLIGHT







WHEN　Don　Diego　de　…　I　forget　his　name　…　the　inventor　of　the　last

new　Flying　Machines；　price　so　many　francs　for　ladies；　so　many　more

for　gentlemen　…　when　Don　Diego；　by　permission　of　Deputy　Chaff…wax

and　his　noble　band；　shall　have　taken　out　a　Patent　for　the　Queen's

dominions；　and　shall　have　opened　a　commodious　Warehouse　in　an　airy

situation；　and　when　all　persons　of　any　gentility　will　keep　at　least

a　pair　of　wings；　and　be　seen　skimming　about　in　every　direction；　I

shall　take　a　flight　to　Paris　（as　I　soar　round　t