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came　down　and　stayed　at　the　hotel；　who　said　that　he　had　danced

there；　in　bygone　ages；　with　the　Honourable　Miss　Peepy；　well　known

to　have　been　the　Beauty　of　her　day　and　the　cruel　occasion　of

innumerable　duels。　　But　he　was　so　old　and　shrivelled；　and　so　very

rheumatic　in　the　legs；　that　it　demanded　more　imagination　than　our

watering…place　can　usually　muster；　to　believe　him；　therefore；

except　the　Master　of　the　'Rooms'　（who　to　this　hour　wears　knee…

breeches；　and　who　confirmed　the　statement　with　tears　in　his　eyes）；

nobody　did　believe　in　the　little　lame　old　gentleman；　or　even　in　the

Honourable　Miss　Peepy；　long　deceased。



As　to　subscription　balls　in　the　Assembly　Rooms　of　our　watering…

place　now；　red…hot　cannon　balls　are　less　improbable。　　Sometimes；　a

misguided　wanderer　of　a　Ventriloquist；　or　an　Infant　Phenomenon；　or

a　juggler；　or　somebody　with　an　Orrery　that　is　several　stars　behind

the　time；　takes　the　place　for　a　night；　and　issues　bills　with　the

name　of　his　last　town　lined　out；　and　the　name　of　ours　ignominiously

written　in；　but　you　may　be　sure　this　never　happens　twice　to　the

same　unfortunate　person。　　On　such　occasions　the　discoloured　old

Billiard　Table　that　is　seldom　played　at　（unless　the　ghost　of　the

Honourable　Miss　Peepy　plays　at　pool　with　other　ghosts）　is　pushed

into　a　corner；　and　benches　are　solemnly　constituted　into　front

seats；　back　seats；　and　reserved　seats　…　which　are　much　the　same

after　you　have　paid　…　and　a　few　dull　candles　are　lighted　…　wind

permitting　…　and　the　performer　and　the　scanty　audience　play　out　a

short　match　which　shall　make　the　other　most　low…spirited　…　which　is

usually　a　drawn　game。　　After　that；　the　performer　instantly　departs

with　maledictory　expressions；　and　is　never　heard　of　more。



But　the　most　wonderful　feature　of　our　Assembly　Rooms；　is；　that　an

annual　sale　of　'Fancy　and　other　China；'　is　announced　here　with

mysterious　constancy　and　perseverance。　　Where　the　china　comes　from；

where　it　goes　to；　why　it　is　annually　put　up　to　auction　when　nobody

ever　thinks　of　bidding　for　it；　how　it　comes　to　pass　that　it　is

always　the　same　china；　whether　it　would　not　have　been　cheaper；　with

the　sea　at　hand；　to　have　thrown　it　away；　say　in　eighteen　hundred

and　thirty；　are　standing　enigmas。　　Every　year　the　bills　come　out；

every　year　the　Master　of　the　Rooms　gets　into　a　little　pulpit　on　a

table；　and　offers　it　for　sale；　every　year　nobody　buys　it；　every

year　it　is　put　away　somewhere　till　next　year；　when　it　appears　again

as　if　the　whole　thing　were　a　new　idea。　　We　have　a　faint　remembrance

of　an　unearthly　collection　of　clocks；　purporting　to　be　the　work　of

Parisian　and　Genevese　artists　…　chiefly　bilious…faced　clocks；

supported　on　sickly　white　crutches；　with　their　pendulums　dangling

like　lame　legs　…　to　which　a　similar　course　of　events　occurred　for

several　years；　until　they　seemed　to　lapse　away；　of　mere　imbecility。



Attached　to　our　Assembly　Rooms　is　a　library。　　There　is　a　wheel　of

fortune　in　it；　but　it　is　rusty　and　dusty；　and　never　turns。　　A　large

doll；　with　moveable　eyes；　was　put　up　to　be　raffled　for；　by　five…

and…twenty　members　at　two　shillings；　seven　years　ago　this　autumn；

and　the　list　is　not　full　yet。　　We　are　rather　sanguine；　now；　that

the　raffle　will　come　off　next　year。　　We　think　so；　because　we　only

want　nine　members；　and　should　only　want　eight；　but　for　number　two

having　grown　up　since　her　name　was　entered；　and　withdrawn　it　when

she　was　married。　　Down　the　street；　there　is　a　toy…ship　of

considerable　burden；　in　the　same　condition。　　Two　of　the　boys　who

were　entered　for　that　raffle　have　gone　to　India　in　real　ships；

since；　and　one　was　shot；　and　died　in　the　arms　of　his　sister's

lover；　by　whom　he　sent　his　last　words　home。



This　is　the　library　for　the　Minerva　Press。　　If　you　want　that　kind

of　reading；　come　to　our　watering…place。　　The　leaves　of　the

romances；　reduced　to　a　condition　very　like　curl…paper；　are　thickly

studded　with　notes　in　pencil：　sometimes　complimentary；　sometimes

jocose。　　Some　of　these　commentators；　like　commentators　in　a　more

extensive　way；　quarrel　with　one　another。　　One　young　gentleman　who

sarcastically　writes　'O！！！'　after　every　sentimental　passage；　is

pursued　through　his　literary　career　by　another；　who　writes

'Insulting　Beast！'　　Miss　Julia　Mills　has　read　the　whole　collection

of　these　books。　　She　has　left　marginal　notes　on　the　pages；　as　'Is

not　this　truly　touching？　　J。　M。'　　'How　thrilling！　　J。　M。'

'Entranced　here　by　the　Magician's　potent　spell。　　J。　M。'　　She　has

also　italicised　her　favourite　traits　in　the　description　of　the

hero；　as　'his　hair；　which　was　DARK　and　WAVY；　clustered　in　RICH

PROFUSION　around　a　MARBLE　BROW；　whose　lofty　paleness　bespoke　the

intellect　within。'　　It　reminds　her　of　another　hero。　　She　adds；　'How

like　B。　L。　　Can　this　be　mere　coincidence？　　J。　M。'



You　would　hardly　guess　which　is　the　main　street　of　our　watering…

place；　but　you　may　know　it　by　its　being　always　stopped　up　with

donkey…chaises。　　Whenever　you　come　here；　and　see　harnessed　donkeys

eating　clover　out　of　barrows　drawn　completely　across　a　narrow

thoroughfare；　you　may　be　quite　sure　you　are　in　our　High　Street。

Our　Police　you　may　know　by　his　uniform；　likewise　by　his　never　on

any　account　interfering　with　anybody　…　especially　the　tramps　and

vagabonds。　　In　our　fancy　shops　we　have　a　capital　collection　of

damaged　goods；　among　which　the　flies　of　countless　summers　'have

been　roaming。'　　We　are　great　in　obsolete　seals；　and　in　faded　pin…

cushions；　and　in　rickety　camp…stools；　and　in　exploded　cutlery；　and

in　miniature　vessels；　and　in　stunted　little　telescopes；　and　in

objects　made　of　shells　that　pretend　not　to　be　shells。　　Diminutive

spades；　barrows；　and　baskets；　are　our　principal　articles　of

commerce；　but　even　they　don't　look　quite　new　somehow。　　They　always

seem　to　have　been　offered　and　refused　somewhere　else；　before　they

came　down　to　our　watering…place。



Yet；　it　must　not　be　supposed　that　our　watering…place　is　an　empty

place；　deserted　by　all　visitors　except　a　few　staunch　persons　of

approved　fidelity。　　On　the　contrary；　the　chances　are　that　if　you

came　down　here　in　August　or　September；　you　wouldn't　find　a　house　to

lay　your　head　in。　　As　to　finding　either　house　or　lodging　of　which

you　could　reduce　the　terms；　you　could　scarcely　engage　in　a　more

hopeless　pursuit。　　For　all　this；　you　are　to　observe　that　every

season　is　the　worst　season　ever　known；　and　that　the　householding

population　of　our　watering…place　are　ruined　regularly　every　autumn。

They　are　like　the　farmers；　in　regard　that　it　is　surprising　how　much

ruin　they　will　bear。　　We　have　an　excellent　hotel　…　capital　baths；

warm；　cold；　and　shower　…　first…rate　bathing…machines　…　and　as　good

butchers；　bakers；　and　grocers；　as　heart　could　desire。　　They　all　do

business；　it　is　to　be　presumed；　from　motives　of　philanthropy　…　but

it　is　quite　certain　that　they　are　all　being　ruined。　　Their　interest

in　strangers；　and　their　politeness　under　ruin；　bespeak　their

amiable　nature。　　You　would　say　so；　if　you　only　saw　the　baker

helping　a　new　comer　to　find　suitable　apartments。



So　far　from　being　at　a　discount　as　to　company；　we　are　in　fact　what

would　be　popularly　called　rather　a　nobby　place。　　Some　tip…top

'Nobbs'　come　down　occasionally　…　even　Dukes　and　Duchesses。　　We　have

known　such　carriages　to　blaze　among　the　donkey…chaises；　as　made

beholders　wink。　　Attendant　on　these　equipages　come　resplendent

creatures　in　plush　and　powder；　who　are　sure　to　be　stricken

disgusted　with　the　indifferent　accommodation　of　our　watering…place；

and　who；　of　an　evening　（particularly　when　it　rains）；　may　be　seen

very　much　out　of　drawing；　in　rooms　far　too　small　for　their　fine

figures；　looking　discontentedly　out　of　little　back　windows　into

bye…streets。　　The　lords　and　ladies　get　on　well　enough　and　quite

good…humouredly：　but　if　you　want　to　see　the　gorgeous　phenomena　who

wait　upon　them　at　a　perfect　non…plus；　you　should　come　and　look　at

the　resplendent　creatures　with　little　back　parlours　for　servants'

halls；　and　turn…up　bedsteads　to　sleep　in；　at　our　watering…place。

You　have　no　idea　how　they　take　it　to　heart。



We　have　a　pier　…　a　queer　old　wooden　pier；　fortunately　without　the

slightest　pretensions　to　architecture；　and　very　picturesque　in

consequence。　　Boats　are　hauled　up　upon　it；　ropes　are　coiled　all

over　it；　lobster…pots；　nets；　masts；　oars；　spars；　sails；　ballast；

and　rickety　capstans；　make　a　perfect　labyrinth　of　it。　　For　ever

hovering　about　this　pier；　with　their　hands　in　their　pockets；　or

leaning　over　the　rough　bulwark　it　opposes　to　the　sea；　gazing

through　telescopes　which　they　carry　about　in　the　same　profound

receptacles；　are　the　Boatmen　of　our　watering…place。　　Looking　at

them；　you　would　say　that　surely　these　must　be　the　laziest　boatmen

in　the　world。　　They　lounge　about；　in　obstinate　and　inflexible

pantaloons　that　are　apparently　made　of　wood；　the　whole　season

through。　　Whether　talking　together　about　the　shipping　in　the

Channel；　or　gruffly　unbending　over　mugs　of　beer　at　the　public…

house；　you　would　consider　them　the　slowest　of　men。　　The　chances　are

a　thousand　to　one　that　you　might　stay　here　for　ten　seasons；　and

never　see　a　boatman　in　a　hurry。　　A　certain　expression　about　his

loose　hands；　when　they　are　not　in　his　pockets；　as　if　he　were

carrying　a　considerable　lump　of　iron　in　each；　without　any

inconvenience；　suggests　strength；　but　he　never　seems　to　use　it。　　He

has　the　appearance　of　perpetually　strolling　…　running　is　too

inappropriate　a　word　to　be　thought　of　…　to　seed。　　The　only　subject

on　which　he　seems　to　feel　any　approach　to　enthusiasm；　is　pitch。　　He

pitches　everything　he　can　lay　hold　of；　…　the　pier；　the　palings；　his

boat；　his　house；　…　when　there　is　nothing　else　left　he　turns　to　and

even　pitches　his　hat；　or　his　rough…weather　clothing。　　Do　not　judge

him　by　deceitful　appearances。　　These　are　among　the　bravest　and　most

skilful　mariners　that　exist。　　Let　a　gale　arise　and　swell　into　a

storm；　let　a　sea　run　that　might　appal　the　stoutest　heart　th