burlesques-第87部分

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I　met　with　a　little　accident　during　the　three…quarters　of　an　hour

which　they　allow　for　the　entertainment　of　us　men　of　fashion　on　the

stage；　before　the　curtain　draws　up　for　the　bally；　while　the　ladies

in　the　boxes　are　gaping；　and　the　people　in　the　pit　are　drumming

with　their　feet　and　canes　in　the　rudest　manner　possible；　as　though

they　couldn't　wait。



Just　at　the　moment　before　the　little　bell　rings　and　the　curtain

flies　up；　and　we　scuffle　off　to　the　sides　（for　we　always　stay　till

the　very　last　moment）；　I　was　in　the　middle　of　the　stage；　making

myself　very　affable　to　the　fair　figgerantys　which　was　spinning　and

twirling　about　me；　and　asking　them　if　they　wasn't　cold；　and　such

like　politeness；　in　the　most　condescending　way　possible；　when　a

bolt　was　suddenly　withdrawn；　and　down　I　popped；　through　a　trap　in

the　stage；　into　the　place　below。　　Luckily　I　was　stopped　by　a　piece

of　machinery；　consisting　of　a　heap　of　green　blankets　and　a　young

lady　coming　up　as　Venus　rising　from　the　sea。　　If　I　had　not　fallen

so　soft；　I　don't　know　what　might　have　been　the　consequence　of　the

collusion。　　I　never　told　Mrs。　Coxe；　for　she　can't　bear　to　hear　of

my　paying　the　least　attention　to　the　fair　sex。





STRIKING　A　BALANCE。





Next　door　to　us；　in　Portland　Place；　lived　the　Right　Honorable　the

Earl　of　Kilblazes；　of　Kilmacrasy　Castle；　County　Kildare；　and　his

mother　the　Dowager　Countess。　　Lady　Kilblazes　had　a　daughter；　Lady

Juliana　Matilda　MacTurk；　of　the　exact　age　of　our　dear　Jemimarann；

and　a　son；　the　Honorable　Arthur　Wellington　Anglesea　Blucher　Bulow

MacTurk；　only　ten　months　older　than　our　boy　Tug。



My　darling　Jemmy　is　a　woman　of　spirit；　and；　as　become　her　station；

made　every　possible　attempt　to　become　acquainted　with　the　Dowager

Countess　of　Kilblazes；　which　her　ladyship　（because；　forsooth；　she

was　the　daughter　of　the　Minister；　and　Prince　of　Wales's　great

friend；　the　Earl　of　Portansherry）　thought　fit　to　reject。　　I　don't

wonder　at　my　Jemmy　growing　so　angry　with　her；　and　determining；　in

every　way；　to　put　her　ladyship　down。　　The　Kilblazes'　estate　is　not

so　large　as　the　Tuggeridge　property　by　two　thousand　a　year　at

least；　and　so　my　wife；　when　our　neighbors　kept　only　two　footmen；

was　quite　authorized　in　having　three；　and　she　made　it　a　point；　as

soon　as　ever　the　Kilblazes'　carriage…and…pair　came　round；　to　have

out　her　own　carriage…and…four。



Well；　our　box　was　next　to　theirs　at　the　Opera；　only　twice　as　big。

Whatever　masters　went　to　Lady　Juliana；　came　to　my　Jemimarann；　and

what　do　you　think　Jemmy　did？　she　got　her　celebrated　governess；

Madame　de　Flicflac；　away　from　the　Countess；　by　offering　a　double

salary。　　It　was　quite　a　treasure；　they　said；　to　have　Madame

Flicflac：　she　had　been　（to　support　her　father；　the　Count；　when　he

emigrated）　a　FRENCH　dancer　at　the　ITALIAN　Opera。　　French　dancing；

and　Italian；　therefore；　we　had　at　once；　and　in　the　best　style：　it

is　astonishing　how　quick　and　well　she　used　to　speakthe　French

especially。



Master　Arthur　MacTurk　was　at　the　famous　school　of　the　Reverend

Clement　Coddler；　along　with　a　hundred　and　ten　other　young

fashionables；　from　the　age　of　three　to　fifteen；　and　to　this

establishment　Jemmy　sent　our　Tug；　adding　forty　guineas　to　the

hundred　and　twenty　paid　every　year　for　the　boarders。　　I　think　I

found　out　the　dear　soul's　reason；　for；　one　day；　speaking　about　the

school　to　a　mutual　acquaintance　of　ours　and　the　Kilblazes；　she

whispered　to　him　that　〃she　never　would　have　thought　of　sending　her

darling　boy　at　the　rate　which　her　next…door　neighbors　paid；　THEIR

lad；　she　was　sure；　must　be　starved：　however；　poor　people；　they　did

the　best　they　could　on　their　income！〃



Coddler's；　in　fact；　was　the　tip…top　school　near　London：　he　had　been

tutor　to　the　Duke　of　Buckminster；　who　had　set　him　up　in　the　school；

and；　as　I　tell　you；　all　the　peerage　and　respectable　commoners　came

to　it。　　You　read　in　the　bill；　（the　snopsis；　I　think；　Coddler　called

it；）　after　the　account　of　the　charges　for　board；　masters；　extras；

&c。〃Every　young　nobleman　（or　gentleman）　is　expected　to　bring　a

knife；　fork；　spoon；　and　goblet　of　silver　（to　prevent　breakage）；

which　will　not　be　returned；　a　dressing…gown　and　slippers；　toilet…

box；　pomatum；　curling…irons；　&c。　&c。　　The　pupil　must　on　NO　ACCOUNT

be　allowed　to　have　more　than　ten　guineas　of　pocket…money；　unless

his　parents　particularly　desire　it；　or　he　be　above　fifteen　years　of

age。　　WINE　will　be　an　extra　charge；　as　are　warm；　vapor；　and　douche

baths。　　CARRIAGE　EXERCISE　will　be　provided　at　the　rate　of　fifteen

guineas　per　quarter。　　It　is　EARNESTLY　REQUESTED　that　no　young

nobleman　（or　gentleman）　be　allowed　to　smoke。　　In　a　place　devoted　to

THE　CULTIVATION　OF　POLITE　LITERATURE；　such　an　ignoble　enjoyment

were　profane。



〃CLEMENT　CODDLER；　M。　A。；



〃Chaplain　and　late　tutor　to　his　Grace　the　Duke　of　Buckminster。



〃MOUNT　PARNASSUS；　RICHMOND；　SURREY。〃





To　this　establishment　our　Tug　was　sent。　　〃Recollect；　my　dear；〃　said

his　mamma；　〃that　you　are　a　Tuggeridge　by　birth；　and　that　I　expect

you　to　beat　all　the　boys　in　the　school；　especially　that　Wellington

MacTurk；　who；　though　he　is　a　lord's　son；　is　nothing　to　you；　who　are

the　heir　of　Tuggeridgeville。〃



Tug　was　a　smart　young　fellow　enough；　and　could　cut　and　curl　as

well　as　any　young　chap　of　his　age：　he　was　not　a　bad　hand　at　a　wig

either；　and　could　shave；　too；　very　prettily；　but　that　was　in　the

old　time；　when　we　were　not　great　people：　when　he　came　to　be　a

gentleman；　he　had　to　learn　Latin　and　Greek；　and　had　a　deal　of　lost

time　to　make　up　for；　on　going　to　school。



However；　we　had　no　fear；　for　the　Reverend　Mr。　Coddler　used　to　send

monthly　accounts　of　his　pupil's　progress；　and　if　Tug　was　not　a

wonder　of　the　world；　I　don't　know　who　was。　　It　was



　　　　General　behavior　　　　　　excellent。

　　　　English　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　very　good。

　　　　French　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　tres　bien。

　　　　Latin　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　optime。



And　so　on：he　possessed　all　the　virtues；　and　wrote　to　us　every

month　for　money。　　My　dear　Jemmy　and　I　determined　to　go　and　see　him；

after　he　had　been　at　school　a　quarter；　we　went；　and　were　shown　by

Mr。　Coddler；　one　of　the　meekest；　smilingest　little　men　I　ever　saw；

into　the　bedrooms　and　eating…rooms　（the　dromitaries　and　refractories

he　called　them）；　which　were　all　as　comfortable　as　comfortable　might

be。　　〃It　is　a　holiday；　today；〃　said　Mr。　Coddler；　and　a　holiday　it

seemed　to　be。　　In　the　dining…room　were　half　a　dozen　young　gentlemen

playing　at　cards　（〃All　tip…top　nobility；〃　observed　Mr。　Coddler）；in

the　bedrooms　there　was　only　one　gent：　he　was　lying　on　his　bed；

reading　novels　and　smoking　cigars。　　〃Extraordinary　genius！〃　whispered

Coddler。　　〃Honorable　Tom　Fitz…Warter；　cousin　of　Lord　Byron's；

smokes　all　day；　and　has　written　the　SWEETEST　poems　you　can　imagine。

Genius；　my　dear　madam；　you　knowgenius　must　have　its　way。〃　　〃Well；

UPON　my　word；〃　says　Jemmy；　〃if　that's　genius；　I　had　rather　that

Master　Tuggeridge　Coxe　Tuggeridge　remained　a　dull　fellow。〃



〃Impossible；　my　dear　madam；〃　said　Coddler。　　〃Mr。　Tuggeridge　Coxe

COULDN'T　be　stupid　if　he　TRIED。〃



Just　then　up　comes　Lord　Claude　Lollypop；　third　son　of　the　Marquis

of　Allycompane。　　We　were　introduced　instantly：　〃Lord　Claude

Lollypop；　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Coxe。〃　　The　little　lord　wagged　his　head；　my

wife　bowed　very　low；　and　so　did　Mr。　Coddler；　who；　as　he　saw　my　lord

making　for　the　playground；　begged　him　to　show　us　the　way。〃Come

along；〃　says　my　lord；　and　as　he　walked　before　us；　whistling；　we　had

leisure　to　remark　the　beautiful　holes　in　his　jacket；　and　elsewhere。



About　twenty　young　noblemen　（and　gentlemen）　were　gathered　round　a

pastry…cook's　shop　at　the　end　of　the　green。　　〃That's　the　grub…

shop；〃　said　my　lord；　〃where　we　young　gentlemen　wot　has　money　buys

our　wittles；　and　them　young　gentlemen　wot　has　none；　goes　tick。〃



Then　we　passed　a　poor　red…haired　usher　sitting　on　a　bench　alone。

〃That's　Mr。　Hicks；　the　Husher；　ma'am；〃　says　my　lord。　　〃We　keep　him；

for　he's　very　useful　to　throw　stones　at；　and　he　keeps　the　chaps'

coats　when　there's　a　fight；　or　a　game　at　cricket。Well；　Hicks；

how's　your　mother？　what's　the　row　now？〃　　〃I　believe；　my　lord；〃　said

the　usher；　very　meekly；　〃there　is　a　pugilistic　encounter　somewhere

on　the　premisesthe　Honorable　Mr。　Mac〃



〃Oh！　COME　along；〃　said　Lord　Lollypop；　〃come　along：　this　way；　ma'am！

Go　it；　ye　cripples！〃　　And　my　lord　pulled　my　dear　Jemmy's　gown　in

the　kindest　and　most　familiar　way；　she　trotting　on　after　him；

mightily　pleased　to　be　so　taken　notice　of；　and　I　after　her。　　A

little　boy　went　running　across　the　green。　　〃Who　is　it；　Petitoes？〃

screams　my　lord。　　〃Turk　and　the　barber；〃　pipes　Petitoes；　and　runs

to　the　pastry…cook's　like　mad。　　〃Turk　and　the　ba；〃　laughs　out　my

lord；　looking　at　us。　　〃HURRA！　THIS　way；　ma'am！〃　　And　turning　round

a　corner；　he　opened　a　door　into　a　court…yard；　where　a　number　of

boys　were　collected；　and　a　great　noise　of　shrill　voices　might　be

heard。　　〃Go　it；　Turk！〃　says　one。　　〃Go　it；　barber！〃　says　another。

〃PUNCH　HITH　LIFE　OUT！〃　roars　another；　whose　voice　was　just　cracked；

and　his　clothes　half　a　yard　too　short　for　him！



Fancy　our　horror　when；　on　the　crowd　making　way；　we　saw　Tug

pummelling　away　at　the　Honorable　Master　MacTurk！　　My　dear　Jemmy；

who　don't　understand　such　things；　pounced　upon　the　two　at　once；

and；　with　one　hand　tearing　away　Tug；　sent　him　spinning　back　into

the　arms　of　his　seconds；　while；　with　the　other；　she　clawed　hold　of

Master　MacTurk's　red　hair；　and；　as　soon　as　she　got　her　second　hand

free；　banged　it　about　his　face　and　ears　like　a　good　one。



〃You　nastywickedquarrelsomearistocratic〃　（each　word　was　a

bang）〃aristocraticoh！　oh！　oh！〃Here　the　words　stopped；　for　what

with　the　agitation；　maternal　solicitude；　and　a　dreadful　kick　on　the

shins　which；　I　am　ashamed　to　say；　Master　MacTurk　administered；　my

dear　Jemmy　could　bear　it　no　longer；　and　sunk　fainting　away　in　my

arms。





DOWN　AT　BEULAH。





Although　there　was　a　regular　cut