armadale-第103部分

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put　the　mountains　and　the　seas　between　you　and　the　man　who　bears
your　name！'

〃Suppose；　on　the　other　side；　that　his　love　for　me　makes　him
reckless　of　everything　else？　Suppose　he　says　those　desperate
words　again；　which　I　understand　now：　What　_is_　to　be；　_will_　be。
What　have　I　to　do　with　it；　and　what　has　she？'　Supposesuppose

〃I　won't　write　any　more。　I　hate　writing。　It　doesn't　relieve
meit　makes　me　worse。　I'm　further　from　being　able　to　think　of
all　that　I　_must_　think　of　than　I　was　when　I　sat　down。　It　is　past
midnight。　To…morrow　has　come　already；　and　here　I　am　as　helpless
as　the　stupidest　woman　living！　Bed　is　the　only　fit　place　for　me。

〃Bed？　If　it　was　ten　years　since；　instead　of　to…day；　and　if　I　had
married　Midwinter　for　love；　I　might　be　going　to　bed　now　with
nothing　heavier　on　my　mind　than　a　visit　on　tiptoe　to　the　nursery；
and　a　last　look　at　night　to　see　if　my　children　were　sleeping
quietly　in　their　cribs。　I　wonder　whether　I　should　have　loved　my
children　if　I　had　ever　had　any？　Perhaps；　yesperhaps；　no。　It
doesn't　matter。


〃Tuesday　morning；　ten　o'clock。Who　was　the　man　who　invented
laudanum？　I　thank　him　from　the　bottom　of　my　heart　whoever　he　was。
If　all　the　miserable　wretches　in　pain　of　body　and　mind；　whose
comforter　he　has　been；　could　meet　together　to　sing　his　praises；
what　a　chorus　it　would　be！　I　have　had　six　delicious　hours　of
oblivion；　I　have　woke　up　with　my　mind　composed；　I　have　written　a
perfect　little　letter　to　Midwinter；　I　have　drunk　my　nice　cup　of
tea；　with　a　real　relish　of　it；　I　have　dawdled　over　my　morning
toilet　with　an　exquisite　sense　of　reliefand　all　through　the
modest　little　bottle　of　Drops；　which　I　see　on　my　bedroom
chimney…piece　at　this　moment。　'Drops；'　you　are　a　darling！　If　I
love　nothing　else；　I　love　_you。_

〃My　letter　to　Midwinter　has　been　sent　through　the　post；　and　I
have　told　him　to　reply　to　me　in　the　same　manner。

〃I　feel　no　anxiety　about　his　answerhe　can　only　answer　in　one
way。　I　have　asked　for　a　little　time　to　consider；　because　my
family　circumstances　require　some　consideration；　in　his　interests
as　well　as　in　mine。　I　have　engaged　to　tell　him　what　those
circumstances　are　（what　shall　I　say；　I　wonder？）　when　we　next
meet；　and　I　have　requested　him　in　the　meantime　to　keep　all　that
has　passed　between　us　a　secret　for　the　present。　As　to　what　he　is
to　do　himself　in　the　interval　while　I　am　supposed　to　be
considering；　I　have　left　it　to　his　own　discretionmerely
reminding　him　that　his　attempting　to　see　me　again　（while　our
positions　toward　each　other　cannot　be　openly　avowed）　might　injure
my　reputation。　I　have　offered　to　write　to　him　if　he　wishes　it；
and　I　have　ended　by　promising　to　make　the　interval　of　our
necessary　separation　as　short　as　I　can。

〃This　sort　of　plain；　unaffected　letterwhich　I　might　have
written　to　him　last　night；　if　his　story　had　not　been　running　in
my　head　as　it　didhas　one　defect；　I　know。　It　certainly　keeps　him
out　of　the　way；　while　I　am　casting　my　net；　and　catching　my　gold
fish　at　the　great　house　for　the　second　time；　but　it　also　leaves
an　awkward　day　of　reckoning　to　come　with　Midwinter　if　I　succeed。
How　am　I　to　manage　him？　What　am　I　to　do？　I　ought　to　face　those
two　questions　as　boldly　as　usual；　but　somehow　my　courage　seems　to
fail　me；　and　I　don't　quite　fancy　meeting　_that_　difficulty；　till
the　time　comes　when　it　_must_　be　met。　Shall　I　confess　to　my　diary
that　I　am　sorry　for　Midwinter；　and　that　I　shrink　a　little　from
thinking　of　the　day　when　he　hears　that　I　am　going　to　be　mistress
at　the　great　house？

〃But　I　am　not　mistress　yet；　and　I　can't　take　a　step　in　the
direction　of　the　great　house　till　I　have　got　the　answer　to　my
letter；　and　till　I　know　that　Midwinter　is　out　of　the　way。
Patience！　patience！　I　must　go　and　forget　myself　at　my　piano。
There　is　the　'Moonlight　Sonata'　open；　and　tempting　me；　on　the
music…stand。　Have　I　nerve　enough　to　play　it；　I　wonder？　Or　will　it
set　me　shuddering　with　the　mystery　and　terror　of　it；　as　it　did
the　other　day？


〃Five　o'clock。I　have　got　his　answer。　The　slightest　request　I
can　make　is　a　command　to　him。　He　has　gone；　and　he　sends　me　his
address　in　London。　'There　are　two　considerations'　（he　says）
'which　help　to　reconcile　me　to　leaving　you。　The　first　is　that
_you_　wish　it；　and　that　it　is　only　to　be　for　a　little　while。　The
second　is　that　I　think　I　can　make　some　arrangements　in　London　for
adding　to　my　income　by　my　own　labor。　I　have　never　cared　for　money
for　myself；　but　you　don't　know　how　I　am　beginning　already　to
prize　the　luxuries　and　refinements　that　money　can　provide；　for　my
wife's　sake。'　Poor　fellow！　I　almost　wish　I　had　not　written　to　him
as　I　did；　I　almost　wish　I　had　not　sent　him　away　from　me。

〃Fancy　if　Mother　Oldershaw　saw　this　page　in　my　diary！　I　have　had
a　letter　from　her　this　morninga　letter　to　remind　me　of　my
obligations；　and　to　tell　me　she　suspects　things　are　all　going
wrong。　Let　her　suspect！　I　shan't　trouble　myself　to　answer；　I
can't　be　worried　with　that　old　wretch　in　the　state　I　am　in　now。

〃It　is　a　lovely　afternoonI　want　a　walkI　mustn't　think　of
Midwinter。　Suppose　I　put　on　my　bonnet；　and　try　my　experiment　at
once　at　the　great　house？　Everything　is　in　my　favor。　There　is　no
spy　to　follow　me；　and　no　lawyer　to　keep　me　out；　this　time。　Am　I
handsome　enough；　today？　Well；　yes；　handsome　enough　to　be　a　match
for　a　little　dowdy；　awkward；　freckled　creature；　who　ought　to　be
perched　on　a　form　at　school；　and　strapped　to　a　backboard　to
straighten　her　crooked　shoulders。

　　　　　〃　'The　nursery　lisps　out　in　all　they　utter；
　　　　　　　　Besides；　they　always　smell　of　bread…and…butter。'

〃How　admirably　Byron　has　described　girls　in　their　teens！


〃Eight　o'clock。I　have　just　got　back　from　Armadale's　house。　I
have　seen　him；　and　spoken　to　him；　and　the　end　of　it　may　be　set
down　in　three　plain　words。　I　have　failed。　There　is　no　more　chance
of　my　being　Mrs。　Armadale　of　Thorpe　Ambrose　than　there　is　of　my
being　Queen　of　England。

〃Shall　I　write　and　tell　Oldershaw？　Shall　I　go　back　to　London？　Not
till　I　have　had　time　to　think　a　little。　N　ot　just　yet。

〃Let　me　think；　I　have　failed　completelyfailed；　with　all　the
circumstances　in　favor　of　success。　I　caught　him　alone　on　the
drive　in　front　of　the　house。　He　was　excessively　disconcerted；　but
at　the　same　time　quite　willing　to　hear　me。　I　tried　him；　first
quietlythen　with　tears；　and　the　rest　of　it。　I　introduced　myself
in　the　character　of　the　poor　innocent　woman　whom　he　had　been　the
means　of　injuring。　I　confused；　I　interested；　I　convinced　him。　I
went　on　to　the　purely　Christian　part　of　my　errand；　and　spoke　with
such　feeling　of　his　separation　from　his　friend；　for　which　I　was
innocently　responsible；　that　I　turned　his　odious　rosy　face　quite
pale；　and　made　him　beg　me　at　last　not　to　distress　him。　But；
whatever　other　feelings　I　roused　in　him；　I　never　once　roused　his
old　feeling　for　_me。_　I　saw　it　in　his　eyes　when　he　looked　at　me；
I　felt　it　in　his　fingers　when　we　shook　hands。　We　parted　friends；
and　nothing　more。

〃It　is　for　this；　is　it；　Miss　Milroy；　that　I　resisted　temptation；
morning　after　morning；　when　I　knew　you　were　out　alone　in　the
park？　I　have　just　left　you　time　to　slip　in；　and　take　my　place　in
Armadale's　good　graces；　have　I？　I　never　resisted　temptation　yet
without　suffering　for　it　in　some　such　way　as　this！　If　I　had　only
followed　my　first　thoughts；　on　the　day　when　I　took　leave　of　you；
my　young　ladywell；　well；　never　mind　that　now。　I　have　got　the
future　before　me；　you　are　not　Mrs。　Armadale　yet！　And　I　can　tell
you　one　other　thingwhoever　else　he　marries；　he　will　never　marry
_you。_　If　I　am　even　with　you　in　no　other　way；　trust　me；　whatever
comes　of　it；　to　be　even　with　you　there！

〃I　am　not；　to　my　own　surprise；　in　one　of　my　furious　passions。　The
last　time　I　was　in　this　perfectly　cool　state；　under　serious
provocation；　something　came　of　it；　which　I　daren't　write　down；
even　in　my　own　private　diary。　I　shouldn't　be　surprised　if
something　comes　of　it　now。

〃On　my　way　back；　I　called　at　Mr。　Bashwood's　lodgings　in　the　town。
He　was　not　at　home；　and　I　left　a　message　telling　him　to　come　here
tonight　and　speak　to　me。　I　mean　to　relieve　him　at　once　of　the
duty　of　looking　after　Armadale　and　Miss　Milroy。　I　may　not　see　my
way　yet　to　ruining　her　prospects　at　Thorpe　Ambrose　as　completely
as　she　has　ruined　mine。　But　when　the　time　comes；　and　I　do　see　it；
I　don't　know　to　what　lengths　my　sense　of　injury　may　take　me；　and
there　may　be　inconvenience；　and　possibly　danger；　in　having　such　a
chicken…hearted　creature　as　Mr。　Bashwood　in　my　confidence。

〃I　suspect　I　am　more　upset　by　all　this　than　I　supposed。
Midwinter's　story　is　beginning　to　haunt　me　again；　without　rhyme
or　reason。

〃A　soft；　quick；　trembling　knock　at　the　street　door！　I　know　who　it
is。　No　hand　but　old　Bashwood's　could　knock　in　that　way。


〃Nine　o'clock。I　have　just　got　rid　of　him。　He　has　surprised　me
by　coming　out　in　a　new　character。

〃It　seems　（though　I　didn't　detect　him）　that　he　was　at　the　great
house　while　I　was　in　company　with　Armadale。　He　saw　us　talking　on
the　drive；　and　he　afterward　heard　what　the　servants　said；　who　saw
us　too。　The　wise　opinion　below　stairs　is　that　we　have　'made　it
up；'　and　that　the　master　is　likely　to　marry　me　after　all。　'He's
sweet　on　her　red　hair；'　was　the　elegant　expression　they　used　in
the　kitchen。　'Little　missie　can't　match　her　there；　and　little
missie　will　get　the　worst　of　it。'　How　I　hate　the　coarse　ways　of
the　lower　orders！

〃While　old　Bashwood　was　telling　me　this；　I　thought　he　looked　even
more　confused　and　nervous　than　usual。　But　I　failed　to　see　what
was　really　the　matter　until　after　I　had　told　him　that　he　was　to
leave　all　further　observation　of　Mr。　Armadale　and　Miss　Milroy　to
me。　Every　drop　of　the　little　blood　there　is　in　the　feeble　old
creature's　body　seemed　to　fly　up　into　his　face。　He　made　quite　an
overpowering　effort；　he　really　looked　as　if　he　would　drop　down
dead　of　fright　at　his　own　boldness；　but　be　forced　out　the
question　for　all　that；　stammering；　and　stuttering；　and　kneading
desperately　with　both　hands　at　the　brim　of　his　hideous　great　hat。
'I　beg　your　pardon；　Miss　Gwi…Gwi…Gwilt！　You　are　not　really
go…go…going　to　marry　Mr。　Armadale；　are　you？　Jealousif　ever　I
saw　it　in　a　man's　face　yet；　I　saw　it　in　hisactually　jealous　of
Armadale