armadale-第107部分

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going　to　marry　him；　and　there's　an　end　of　it。


〃Half…past　ten。Oh；　dear！　oh；　dear！　how　my　temples　throb；　and
how　hot　my　weary　eyes　feel！　There　is　the　moon　looking　at　me
through　the　window。　How　fast　the　little　scattered　clouds　are
flying　before　the　wind！　Now　they　let　the　moon　in；　and　now　they
shut　the　moon　out。　What　strange　shapes　the　patches　of　yellow
light　take；　and　lose　again；　all　in　a　moment！　No　peace　and　quiet
for　me；　look　where　I　may。　The　candle　keeps　flickering；　and　the
very　sky　itself　is　restless　to…night。

〃　'To　bed！　to　bed！'　as　Lady　Macbeth　says。　I　wonder；　by…the…by；
what　Lady　Macbeth　would　have　done　in　my　position？　She　would　have
killed　somebody　when　her　difficulties　first　began。　Probably
Armadale。


〃Friday　morning。A　night's　rest；　thanks　again　to　my　Drops。　I
went　to　breakfast　in　better　spirits；　and　received　a　morning
welcome　in　the　shape　of　a　letter　from　Mrs。　Oldershaw。

〃My　silence　has　produced　its　effect　on　Mother　Jezebel。　She
attributes　it　to　the　right　cause；　and　she　shows　her　claws　at
last。　If　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　pay　my　note　of　hand　for　thirty
pounds；　which　is　due　on　Tuesday　next；　her　lawyer　is　instructed　to
'take　the　usual　course。'　_If_　I　am　not　in　a　position　to　pay　it！
Why；　when　I　have　settled　to…day　with　my　landlord；　I　shall　have
barely　five　pounds　left！　There　is　not　the　shadow　of　a　prospect
between　now　and　Tuesday　of　my　earning　any　money；　and　I　don't
possess　a　friend　in　this　place　who　would　trust　me　with　sixpence。
The　difficulties　that　are　swarming　round　me　wanted　but　one　more
to　complete　them；　and　that　one　has　come。

〃Midwinter　would　assist　me；　of　course；　if　I　could　bring　myself　to
ask　him　for　assistance。　But　_that_　means　marrying　him。　Am　I
really　desperate　enough　and　helpless　enough　to　end　it　in　that
way？　No；　not　yet。

〃My　head　feels　heavy；　I　must　get　out　into　the　fresh　air；　and
think　about　it。


〃Two　o'clock。I　believe　I　have　caught　the　infection　of
Midwinter's　superstition。　I　begin　to　think　that　events　are
forcing　me　nearer　and　nearer　to　some　end　which　I　don't　see　yet；
but　which　I　am　firmly　persuaded　is　now　not　far　off。

〃I　have　been　insulteddeliberately　insulted　before　witnessesby
Miss　Milroy。

〃After　walking；　as　usual；　in　the　most　unfrequented　place　I　could
pick　out；　and　after　trying；　not　very　successfully；　to　think　to
some　good　purpose　of　what　I　am　to　do　next；　I　remembered　that　I
needed　some　note…paper　and　pens；　and　went　back　to　the　town　to　the
stationer's　shop。　It　might　have　been　wiser　to　have　sent　for　what
I　wanted。　But　I　was　weary　of　myself；　and　weary　of　my　lonely
rooms；　and　I　did　my　own　errand；　for　no　better　reason　than　that　it
was　something　to　do。

〃I　had　just　got　into　the　shop；　and　was　asking　for　what　I　wanted；
when　another　customer　came　in。　We　both　looked　up；　and　recognized
each　other　at　the　same　moment：　Miss　Milroy。

〃A　woman　and　a　lad　were　behind　the　counter；　besides　the　man　who
was　serving　me。　The　woman　civilly　addressed　the　new　customer。
'What　can　we　have　the　pleasure　of　doing　for　you；　miss？'　After
pointing　it　first　by　looking　me　straight　in　the　face；　she
answered；　'Nothing；　thank　you；　at　present。　I'll　come　back　when
the　shop　is　empty。'

〃She　went　out。　The　three　people　in　the　shop　looked　at　me　in
silence。　In　silence；　on　my　side；　I　paid　for　my　purchases；　and
left　the　place。　I　don't　know　how　I　might　have　felt　if　I　had　been
in　my　usual　spirits。　In　the　anxious；　unsettled　state　I　am　in　now；
I　can't　deny　it；　the　girl　stung　me。

〃In　the　weakness　of　the　moment　（for　it　was　nothing　else）；　I　was
on　the　point　of　matching　her　petty　spitefulness　by　spitefulness
quite　as　petty　on　my　side。　I　had　actually　got　as　far　as　the　whole
length　of　the　street　on　my　way　to　the　major's　cottage；　bent　on
telling　him　the　secret　of　his　daughter's　morning　walks；　before　my
better　sense　came　back　to　me。　When　I　did　cool　down；　I　turned
round　at　once；　and　took　the　way　home。　No；　no；　Miss　Milroy；　mere
temporary　mischief…making　at　the　cottage；　which　would　only　end　in
your　father　forgiving　you；　and　in　Armadale　profiting　by　his
indulgence；　will　nothing　like　pay　the　debt　I　owe　you。　I　don't
forget　that　your　heart　is　set　on　Armadale；　and　that　the　major；
however　he　may　talk；　has　always　ended　hitherto　in　giving　you　your
own　way。　My　head　may　be　getting　duller　and　duller；　but　it　has　not
quite　failed　me　yet。

〃In　the　meantime；　there　is　Mother　Oldershaw's　letter　waiting
obstinately　to　be　answered；　and　here　am　I；　not　knowing　what　to　do
about　it　yet。　Shall　I　answer　it　or　not？　It　doesn't　matter　for　the
present；　there　are　some　hours　still　to　spare　before　the　post　goes
out。

〃Suppose　I　asked　Armadale　to　lend　me　the　money？　I　should　enjoy
getting　_something_　out　of　him；　and　I　believe；　in　his　present
situation　with　Miss　Milroy；　he　would　do　anything　to　be　rid　of　me。
Mean　enough　this；　on　my　part。　Pooh！　When　you　hate　and　despise　a
man；　as　I　hate　and　despise　Armadale；　who　cares　for　looking　mean
in　_his_　eyes？

〃And　yet　my　prideor　my　something　else；　I　don't　know
whatshrinks　from　it。

〃Half…past　twoonly　half…past　two。　Oh；　the　dreadful　weariness　of
these　long　summer　days！　I　can't　keep　thinking　and　thinking　any
longer；　I　must　do　something　to　relieve　my　mind。　Can　I　go　to　my
piano？　No；　I'm　not　fit　for　it。　Work？　No；　I　shall　get　thinking
again　if　I　take　to　my　needle。　A　man；　in　my　place；　would　find
refuge　in　drink。　I'm　not　a　man；　and　I　can't　drink。　I'll　dawdle
over　my　dresses；　and　put　my　things　tidy。

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　*　*　*　*　*　*

〃Has　an　hour　passed？　More　than　an　hour。　It　seems　like　a　minute。

〃I　can't　look　back　through　these　leaves；　but　I　know　I　wrote
somewhere　that　I　felt　myself　getting　nearer　and　nearer　to　some
end　that　was　still　hidden　from　me。　The　end　is　hidden　no　longer。
The　cloud　is　off　my　mind；　the　blindness　has　gone　from　my　eyes。　I
see　it！　I　see　it！

〃It　came　to　meI　never　sought　it。　If　I　was　lying　on　my
death…bed；　I　could　swear；　with　a　safe　conscience；　I　never　sought
it。

〃I　was　only　looking　over　my　things；　I　was　as　idly　and　as
frivolously　employed　as　the　most　idle　and　most　frivolous　woman
living。　I　went　through　my　dresses；　and　my　linen。　What　could　be
more　innocent？　Children　go　through　their　dresses　and　their　linen。

〃It　was；　such　a　long　summer　day；　and　I　was　so　tired　of　myself。　I
went　to　my　boxes　next。　I　looked　over　the　large　box　first；　which　I
usually　leave　open；　and　then　I　tried　the　small　box；　which　I
always　keep　locked。

〃From　one　thing　to　the　other；　I　came　at　last　to　the　bundle　of
letters　at　the　bottomthe　letters　of　the　man　for　whom　I　once
sacrificed　and　suffered　everything；　the　man　who　has　made　me　what
I　am。

〃A　hundred　times　I　had　determined　to　burn　his　letters；　but　I　have
never　burned　them。　This；　time；　all　I　said　wa　s；　'I　won't　read　his
letters！'　And　I　did　read　them。

〃The　villainthe　false；　cowardly；　heartless　villainwhat　have　I
to　do　with　his　letters　now？　Oh；　the　misery　of　being　a　woman！　Oh；
the　meanness　that　our　memory　of　a　man　can　tempt　us　to；　when　our
love　for　him　is　dead　and　gone！　I　read　the　lettersI　was　so
lonely　and　so　miserable；　I　read　the　letters。

〃I　came　to　the　lastthe　letter　he　wrote　to　encourage　me；　when　I
hesitated　as　the　terrible　time　came　nearer　and　nearer；　the　letter
that　revived　me　when　my　resolution　failed　at　the　eleventh　hour。　I
read　on；　line　after　line；　till　I　came　to　these　words：


〃　'。　。　。　I　really　have　no　patience　with　such　absurdities　as　you
have　written　to　me。　You　say　I　am　driving　you　on　to　do　what　is
beyond　a　woman's　courage。　Am　I？　I　might　refer　you　to　any
collection　of　Trials；　English　or　foreign。　to　show　that　you　were
utterly　wrong。　But　such　collections　may　be　beyond　your　reach；　and
I　will　only　refer　you　to　a　case　in　yesterday's　newspaper。　The
circumstances　are　totally　different　from　our　circumstances；　but
the　example　of　resolution　in　a　woman　is　an　example　worth　your
notice。

〃　'You　will　find；　among　the　law　reports；　a　married　woman　charged
with　fraudulently　representing　herself　to　be　the　missing　widow　of
an　officer　in　the　merchant　service；　who　was　supposed　to　have　been
drowned。　The　name　of　the　prisoner's　husband　（living）　and　the　name
of　the　officer　（a　very　common　one；　both　as　to　Christian　and
surname）　happened　to　be　identically　the　same。　There　was　money　to
be　got　by　it　（sorely　wanted　by　the　prisoner's　husband；　to　whom
she　was　devotedly　attached）；　if　the　fraud　had　succeeded。　The
woman　took　it　all　on　herself。　Her　husband　was　helpless　and　ill；
and　the　bailiffs　were　after　him。　The　circumstances；　as　you　may
read　for　yourself；　were　all　in　her　favor；　and　were　so　well
managed　by　her　that　the　lawyers　themselves　acknowledged　she　might
have　succeeded；　if　the　supposed　drowned　man　had　not　turned　up
alive　and　well　in　the　nick　of　time　to　confront　her。　The　scene
took　place　at　the　lawyer's　office；　and　came　out　in　the　evidence
at　the　police　court。　The　woman　was　handsome；　and　the　sailor　was　a
good…natured　man。　He　wanted；　at　first；　if　the　lawyers　would　have
allowed　him；　to　let　her　off。　He　said　to　her；　among　other　things：
〃You　didn't　count　on　the　drowned　man　coming　back；　alive　and
hearty；　did　you；　ma'am？〃　〃It's　lucky　for　you；〃　she　said；　〃I
didn't　count　on　it。　You　have　escaped　the　sea；　but　you　wouldn't
have　escaped　_me。_〃　〃Why；　what　would　you　have　done；　if　you　_had_
known　I　was　coming　back？〃　says　the　sailor。　She　looked　him
steadily　in　the　face；　and　answered：　〃I　would　have　killed　you。〃
There！　Do　you　think　such　a　woman　as　that　would　have　written　to
tell　me　I　was　pressing　her　further　than　she　had　courage　to　go？　A
handsome　woman；　too；　like　yourself。　You　would　drive　some　men　in
my　position　to　wish　they　had　her　now　in　your　place。'


〃I　read　no　further。　When　I　had　got　on；　line　by　line；　to　those
words；　it　burst　on　me　like　a　flash　of　lightning。　In　an　instant　I
saw　it　as　plainly　as　I　see　it　now。　It　is　horrible；　it　is　unheard
of；　it　outdares　all　daring；　but；　if　I　can　only　nerve　myself　to
face　one　terrible　necessity；　it　is　to　be　done。　_I　may　personate
the　richly　provided　widow　of　Allan　Armadale　of　Thorpe　Ambrose；　if
I　can　count　on　Allan　Armadale's　death　in　a　given　time。_

〃There；　in　plain　words；　is　the　frightful　temptation　under　which　I
now　feel　myself　sinking。　It　is　frightful　in　more　ways　than　one；
for　it　has　come　straight　out　of　that　other