战争与和平(上)-第119部分

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“December　3。—I　waked　up　late；　read　the　Scripture；　but　was　unmoved　by　it。　Afterwards　I　went　down　and　walked　up　and　down　the　big　hall。　I　tried　to　meditate；　but　instead　of　that　my　imagination　brought　before　me　an　incident　which　occurred　four　years　ago。　Dolohov；　meeting　me　after　my　duel　in　Moscow；　said　to　me　that　he　hoped　I　was　now　enjoying　complete　mental　peace　in　spite　of　my　wife’s　absence。　At　the　time　I　made　him　no　answer。　Now　I　recalled　all　the　details　of　that　interview；　and　in　my　mind　made　him　the　most　vindictive　and　biting　retorts。　I　recovered　myself　and　drove　away　that　idea；　only　when　I　had　caught　myself　in　a　passion　of　anger；　but　I　did　not　repent　of　it　sufficiently。　Afterwards　Boris　Drubetskoy　came　and　began　describing　various　incidents。　The　moment　he　came　in　I　felt　amazed　at　his　visit　and　said　something　horrid　to　him。　He　retorted。　I　got　hot；　and　said　a　great　deal　to　him　that　was　disagreeable　and　even　rude。　He　did　not　reply；　and　I　checked　myself　only　when　it　was　too　late。　My　God；　I　cannot　get　on　with　him　at　all。　It　is　myself　too　that　is　to　blame　for　it。　I　set　myself　above　him；　and　so　I　become　far　inferior　to　him；　for　he　is　lenient　to　my　rudeness；　while　I　nourish　a　contempt　for　him。　My　God；　grant　me　that　in　his　presence　I　may　see　more　clearly　my　own　vileness　and　act　so　that　it　may　be　profitable　to　him　too。　After　dinner　I　went　to　sleep；　and　just　as　I　was　falling　asleep；　I　distinctly　heard　a　voice　saying　in　my　left　ear：　‘Thy　day。’
“I　dreamed　I　was　walking　along　in　the　dark　and　was　all　of　a　sudden　surrounded　by　dogs；　but　I　went　on　undismayed；　all　at　once　one　small　dog　seized　me　by　the　thigh　with　its　teeth　and　would　not　let　go。　I　tried　to　strangle　it　with　my　hands。　And　as　soon　as　I　tore　it　off；　another；　a　bigger　one；　began　to　bite　me。　I　lifted　it　up；　and　the　more　I　lifted　it　up；　the　bigger　and　heavier　it　became。　And　suddenly　brother　A。　came　up；　and　taking　me　by　the　arm；　led　me　away　with　him　and　brought　me　into　a　building；　to　enter　which　we　had　to　pass　over　a　narrow　plank。　I　stepped　on　it；　and　the　plank　bent　and　gave　way；　and　I　began　clambering　on　the　fence；　which　I　just　managed　to　get　hold　of　with　my　hands。　After　great　efforts　I　dragged　my　body　up；　so　that　my　legs　were　hanging　over　on　one　side　and　my　body　on　the　other。　I　looked　round　and　saw　brother　A。　standing　on　the　fence　and　pointing　out　to　me　a　great　avenue　and　garden；　and　in　the　garden　a　great　and　beautiful　building。　I　waked　up。　Lord；　Great　Architect　of　Nature；　help　me　to　tear　away　these　dogs—my　evil　passions　and　especially　the　last—that　unites　in　itself　the　violence　of　all　the　former　ones；　and　aid　me　to　enter　that　temple　of　virtue；　of　which　I　was　vouchsafed　a　vision　in　my　sleep。”
“December　7。—I　dreamed　that　Osip　Alexyevitch　was　sitting　in　my　house；　and　I　was　very　glad　to　see　him　and　eager　to　entertain　him。　But　in　my　dream　I　kept　chattering　away　incessantly　with　other　people；　and　all　at　once　I　bethought　myself　that　this　could　not　be　to　his　liking　and　I　wanted　to　come　close　to　him　and　to　embrace　him。　But　as　soon　as　I　approached　him；　I　saw　that　his　face　was　transformed；　and　had　grown　young；　and　he　said　something　to　me　softly；　some　doctrine　of　our　order；　but　so　softly　that　I　could　not　catch　it。　Then　we　all　seemed　to　go　out　of　the　room；　and　something　strange　happened。　We　were　sitting　or　lying　on　the　floor。　He　was　telling　me　something。　But　in　my　dream　I　longed　to　show　him　my　devotional　feeling；　and；　not　listening　to　his　words；　I　began　picturing　to　myself　the　state　of　my　own　inner　man；　and　the　grace　of　God　sanctifying　me。　And　tears　came　into　my　eyes；　and　I　was　glad　that　he　noticed　it。　But　he　glanced　at　me　with　vexation；　and　jumped　up；　breaking　off　his　conversation　with　me。　I　was　abashed　and　asked　him　whether　what　he　had　been　saying　did　not　concern　me。　But　he　made　no　reply；　but　gave　me　a　friendly　look；　and　then　all　of　a　sudden　we　found　ourselves　in　my　bedroom；　where　stood　a　big　double　bed。　He　lay　down　on　the　edge　of　it；　and　I　seemed　to　be　filled　with　a　desire　to　embrace　him　and　to　lie　down　too。　And　in　my　dream　he　asked　me；　‘Tell　me　the　truth；　what　is　your　chief　temptation？　Do　you　know　it？　I　believe　that　you　do　know　it。’　Abashed　at　this　question；　I　answered　that　sloth　was　my　besetting　temptation。　He　shook　his　head　incredulously。　And　even　more　abashed；　I　told　him　that　though　I　was　living　here　with　my　wife；　I　was　not　living　with　her　as　a　husband。　To　this　he　replied　that　I　had　no　right　to　deprive　my　wife　of　my　embraces；　and　gave　me　to　understand　that　this　was　my　duty。　But　I　answered　that　I　should　be　ashamed　of　it；　and　suddenly　everything　vanished。　And　I　waked　up；　and　in　my　mind　there　was　the　text　of　scripture：　‘And　the　life　was　the　light　of　man；　and　the　light　shineth　in　the　darkness；　and　the　darkness　comprehendeth　it　not。’
“The　face　of　Osip　Alexyevitch　had　been　youthful　and　bright…looking。　That　day　I　received　a　letter　from　my　benefactor；　in　which　he　wrote　to　me　of　my　conjugal　duties。
“December　9。—I　had　a　dream　from　which　I　waked　up　with　a　throbbing　heart。　I　dreamed　I　was　in　Moscow　in　my　own　house；　in　the　big　divan…room；　and　Osip　Alexyevitch　came　out　of　the　drawing…room。　I　dreamed　that　I　knew　at　once　that　the　process　of　regeneration　had　begun　in　him；　and　I　rushed　to　meet　him。　I　kissed　his　face　and　his　hands；　while　he　said：　‘Do　you　notice　that　my　face　is　different？’　I　looked　at　him；　still　holding　him　in　my　arms；　and　I　dreamed　that　I　saw　that　his　face　was　young；　but　he　had　no　hair　on　his　head　and　his　features　were　quite　different。　And　I　dreamed　that　I　said　to　him：　‘I　should　have　recognised　you　if　I　had　met　you　by　chance’；　and　thought　as　I　said　it；　‘Am　I　telling　the　truth？’　And　all　at　once　I　saw　him　lying　like　a　dead　body；　then　he　gradually　came　to　himself　again　and　went　with　me　into　the　big　study；　holding　a　big　folio　book　of　manuscript。　And　I　dreamed　I　said：　‘I　wrote　that。’　And　he　answered　me　by　an　inclination　of　the　head。　I　opened　the　book；　and　on　all　the　pages　were　fine　drawings。　And　in　my　dream　I　knew　that　these　pictures　depicted　the　soul’s　love　adventures　with　its　beloved。　And　I　saw　a　beautiful　presentment　of　a　maiden　in　transparent　garments　and　with　a　transparent　body　flying　up　to　the　clouds。　And　I　seemed　to　know　that　this　maiden　was　nothing　else　but　the　figure　of　the　Song　of　Songs。　And　in　my　dream；　as　I　looked　at　these　pictures；　I　felt　I　was　doing　wrong　and　could　not　tear　myself　away　from　them。　Lord；　help　me！　My　God；　if　Thy　forsaking　me　is　Thy　doing；　then　Thy　will　be　done；　but　if　I　am　myself　the　cause；　teach　me　what　I　am　to　do。　I　perish　from　my　vileness　as　though　Thou　wast　utterly　forsaking　me。”


Chapter　11
THE　ROSTOVS’　PECUNIARY　POSITION　had　not　improved　during　the　two　years　they　had　spent　in　the　country。　Although　Nikolay　Rostov　had　kept　firmly　to　his　resolution；　and　was　still　living　in　a　modest　way　in　an　obscure　regiment；　spending　comparatively　little；　the　manner　of　life　at　Otradnoe；　and　still　more　Mitenka’s　management　of　affairs；　were　such　that　debts　went　on　unchecked；　growing　bigger　every　year。　The　sole　resource　that　presented　itself　to　the　old　count　as　the　obvious　thing　to　do　was　to　enter　the　government　service；　and　he　had　come　to　Petersburg　to　seek　a　post　and　at　the　same　time；　as　he　said；　to　let　his　poor　wenches　enjoy　themselves　for　the　last　time。
Soon　after　the　Rostovs’　arrival　in　Petersburg；　Berg　made　Vera　an　offer；　and　his　offer　was　accepted。　Although　in　Moscow　the　Rostovs　belonged　to　the　best　society—themselves　unaware　of　the　fact；　and　never　troubling　themselves　to　consider　what　society　they　belonged　to—yet　in　Petersburg　their　position　was　an　uncertain　and　indefinite　one。　In　Petersburg　they　were　provincials；　and　were　not　visited　by　the　very　people　who　in　Moscow　had　dined　at　the　Rostovs’　expense　without　their　inquiring　to　what　society　they　belonged。
The　Rostovs　kept　open　house　in　Petersburg；　just　as　they　used　to　do　in　Moscow；　and　at　their　suppers　people　of　the　most　diverse　sorts　could　be　seen　together—country　neighbours；　old　and　not　well…to…do　country　gentlemen　with　their　daughters；　and　the　old　maid…of…honour；　Madame　Peronsky；　Pierre　Bezuhov；　and　the　son　of　their　district　postmaster；　who　was　in　an　office　in　Petersburg。　Of　the　men　who　were　constantly　at　the　Rostovs’　house　in　Petersburg；　the　most　intimate　friends　of　the　family　were　very　soon　Boris；　Pierre；　who　had　been　met　in　the　street　by　the　old　count　and　dragged　home　by　him；　and　Berg；　who　spent　whole　days　with　the　Rostovs；　and　paid　the　elder　of　the　young　countesses；　Vera；　every　attention　a　young　man　can　pay　who　intends　to　make　a　proposal。
Not　in　vain　had　Berg　shown　everybody　his　right　hand　that　had　been　wounded　at　Austerlitz；　and　the　sword　quite　unnecessarily　held　in　his　left。　He　had　related　this　episode　to　everybody　so　persistently　and　with　such　an　air　of　importance；　that　every　one　had　come　to　believe　in　the　utility　and　merit　of　the　feat；　and　Berg　had　received　two　decorations　for　Austerlitz。
In　the　war　in　Finland；　too；　he　had　succeeded　in　distinguishing　himself。　He　had　picked　up　a　fragment　of　a　grenade；　by　which　an　adjutant　had　been　killed　close　to　the　commander…in…chief；　and　had　carried　this　fragment　to　his　commander。　Again；　as　after　Austerlitz；　he　talked　to　every　one　at　such　length　and　with　such　persistency　about　this　incident　that　people　ended　by　believing　that　this；　too；　was　something　that　ought　to　have　been　done；　and　Berg　received　two　decorations　for　the　Finnish　war　too。　In　1809　he　was　a　captain　in　the　guards　with　decorations　on　his　breast；　and　was　filling　some　particularly　profitable　posts　in　Petersburg。
Though　there　were　some　sceptics　who　smiled　when　Berg’s　merits　were　mentioned　before　them；　it　could　not　be　denied　that　Berg　was　a　gallant　officer；　punctual　in　the　discharge　of　his　duties；　in　excellent　repute　with　the　authorities；　and　a　conscientious　young　man　with　a　brilliant　career　before　him　and　a　secure　position；　indeed；　in　society。
Four　years　before；　on　meeting　a　German　comrade　in　the　parterre　of　a　Moscow　theatre；　Berg　had　pointed　out　to　him　Vera　Rostov；　and　said　to　him　in　German；　“That　girl　will　be　my　wife。”　From　that　moment　he　had　made　up　his　mind　to　marry　her。　Now　in　Petersburg；　after　duly　considering　the　Rostovs’　position　and　his　own；　he　decided　that　the　time　had　come　and　made　his　offer。
Berg’s　proposal　was　received　at　first　with　a　hesitation　by　no　means　flattering