madame bovary(包法利夫人)-第44部分

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day　of　the　month；　and　kept　on　good　terms　with　his　professors。　As
for　excesses；　he　had　always　abstained　from　them；　as　much　from
cowardice　as　from　refinement。
Often　when　he　stayed　in　his　room　to　read；　or　else　when　sitting　of
an　evening　under　the　lime…trees　of　the　Luxembourg；　he　let　his
Code　fall　to　the　ground；　and　the　memory　of　Emma　came　back　to　him。
But　gradually　this　feeling　grew　weaker；　and　other　desires
gathered　over　it；　although　it　still　persisted　through　them　all。
For　Leon　did　not　lose　all　hope；　there　was　for　him；　as　it　were；　a
vague　promise　floating　in　the　future；　like　a　golden　fruit
suspended　from　some　fantastic　tree。
Then；　seeing　her　again　after　three　years　of　absence　his　passion
reawakened。　He　must；　he　thought；　at　last　make　up　his　mind　to
possess　her。　Moreover；　his　timidity　had　worn　off　by　contact　with
his　gay　companions；　and　he　returned　to　the　provinces　despising
everyone　who　had　not　with　varnished　shoes　trodden　the　asphalt　of
the　boulevards。　By　the　side　of　a　Parisienne　in　her　laces；　in　the
drawing…room　of　some　illustrious　physician；　a　person　driving　his
carriage　and　wearing　many　orders；　the　poor　clerk　would　no　doubt
have　trembled　like　a　child；　but　here；　at　Rouen；　on　the　harbour；
with　the　wife　of　this　small　doctor　he　felt　at　his　ease；　sure
beforehand　he　would　shine。　Self…possession　depends　on　its
environment。　We　don't　speak　on　the　first　floor　as　on　the　fourth；
and　the　wealthy　woman　seems　to　have；　about　her；　to　guard　her
virtue；　all　her　banknotes；　like　a　cuirass　in　the　lining　of　her
corset。
On　leaving　the　Bovarys　the　night　before；　Leon　had　followed　them
through　the　streets　at　a　distance；　then　having　seen　them　stop　at
the　〃Croix…Rouge；〃　he　turned　on　his　heel；　and　spent　the　night
meditating　a　plan。
So　the　next　day　about　five　o'clock　he　walked　into　the　kitchen　of
the　inn；　with　a　choking　sensation　in　his　throat；　pale　cheeks；　and
that　resolution　of　cowards　that　stops　at　nothing。
〃The　gentleman　isn't　in；〃　answered　a　servant。
This　seemed　to　him　a　good　omen。　He　went　upstairs。
She　was　not　disturbed　at　his　approach；　on　the　contrary；　she
apologised　for　having　neglected　to　tell　him　where　they　were
staying。
〃Oh；　I　divined　it！〃　said　Leon。
He　pretended　he　had　been　guided　towards　her　by　chance；　by；
instinct。　She　began　to　smile；　and　at　once；　to　repair　his　folly；
Leon　told　her　that　he　had　spent　his　morning　in　looking　for　her　in
all　the　hotels　in　the　town　one　after　the　other。
〃So　you　have　made　up　your　mind　to　stay？〃　he　added。
〃Yes；〃　she　said；　〃and　I　am　wrong。　One　ought　not　to　accustom
oneself　to　impossible　pleasures　when　there　are　a　thousand　demands
upon　one。〃
〃Oh；　I　can　imagine！〃
〃Ah！　no；　for　you；　you　are　a　man！〃
But　men　too　had　had　their　trials；　and　the　conversation　went　off
into　certain　philosophical　reflections。　Emma　expatiated　much　on
the　misery　of　earthly　affections；　and　the　eternal　isolation　in
which　the　heart　remains　entombed。
To　show　off；　or　from　a　naive　imitation　of　this　melancholy　which
called　forth　his；　the　young　man　declared　that　he　had　been　awfully
bored　during　the　whole　course　of　his　studies。　The　law　irritated
him；　other　vocations　attracted　him；　and　his　mother　never　ceased
worrying　him　in　every　one　of　her　letters。　As　they　talked　they
explained　more　and　more　fully　the　motives　of　their　sadness；
working　themselves　up　in　their　progressive　confidence。　But　they
sometimes　stopped　short　of　the　complete　exposition　of　their
thought；　and　then　sought　to　invent　a　phrase　that　might　express　it
all　the　same。　She　did　not　confess　her　passion　for　another；　he　did
not　say　that　he　had　forgotten　her。
Perhaps　he　no　longer　remembered　his　suppers　with　girls　after
masked　balls；　and　no　doubt　she　did　not　recollect　the　rendezvous
of　old　when　she　ran　across　the　fields　in　the　morning　to　her
lover's　house。　The　noises　of　the　town　hardly　reached　them；　and
the　room　seemed　small；　as　if　on　purpose　to　hem　in　their　solitude
more　closely。　Emma；　in　a　dimity　dressing…gown；　leant　her　head
against　the　back　of　the　old　arm…chair；　the　yellow　wall…paper
formed；　as　it　were；　a　golden　background　behind　her；　and　her　bare
head　was　mirrored　in　the　glass　with　the　white　parting　in　the
middle；　and　the　tip　of　her　ears　peeping　out　from　the　folds　of　her
hair。
〃But　pardon　me！〃　she　said。　〃It　is　wrong　of　me。　I　weary　you　with
my　eternal　complaints。〃
〃No；　never；　never！〃
〃If　you　knew；〃　she　went　on；　raising　to　the　ceiling　her　beautiful
eyes；　in　which　a　tear　was　trembling；　〃all　that　I　had　dreamed！〃
〃And　I！　Oh；　I　too　have　suffered！　Often　I　went　out；　I　went　away。　I
dragged　myself　along　the　quays；　seeking　distraction　amid　the　din
of　the　crowd　without　being　able　to　banish　the　heaviness　that
weighed　upon　me。　In　an　engraver's　shop　on　the　boulevard　there　is
an　Italian　print　of　one　of　the　Muses。　She　is　draped　in　a　tunic；
and　she　is　looking　at　the　moon；　with　forget…me…nots　in　her
flowing　hair。　Something　drove　me　there　continually；　I　stayed
there　hours　together。〃　Then　in　a　trembling　voice；　〃She　resembled
you　a　little。〃
Madame　Bovary　turned　away　her　head　that　he　might　not　see　the
irrepressible　smile　she　felt　rising　to　her　lips。
〃Often；〃　he　went　on；　〃I　wrote　you　letters　that　I　tore　up。〃
She　did　not　answer。　He　continued
〃I　sometimes　fancied　that　some　chance　would　bring　you。　I　thought
I　recognised　you　at　street…corners；　and　I　ran　after　all　the
carriages　through　whose　windows　I　saw　a　shawl　fluttering；　a　veil
like　yours。〃
She　seemed　resolved　to　let　him　go　on　speaking　without
interruption。　Crossing　her　arms　and　bending　down　her　face；　she
looked　at　the　rosettes　on　her　slippers；　and　at　intervals　made
little　movements　inside　the　satin　of　them　with　her　toes。
At　last　she　sighed。
〃But　the　most　wretched　thing；　is　it　notis　to　drag　out；　as　I　do；
a　useless　existence。　If　our　pains　were　only　of　some　use　to
someone；　we　should　find　consolation　in　the　thought　of　the
sacrifice。〃
He　started　off　in　praise　of　virtue；　duty；　and　silent　immolation；
having　himself　an　incredible　longing　for　self…sacrifice　that　he
could　not　satisfy。
〃I　should　much　like；〃　she　said；　〃to　be　a　nurse　at　a　hospital。〃
〃Alas！　men　have　none　of　these　holy　missions；　and　I　see　nowhere
any　callingunless　perhaps　that　of　a　doctor。〃
With　a　slight　shrug　of　her　shoulders；　Emma　interrupted　him　to
speak　of　her　illness；　which　had　almost　killed　her。　What　a　pity！
She　should　not　be　suffering　now！　Leon　at　once　envied　the　calm　of
the　tomb；　and　one　evening　he　had　even　made　his　will；　asking　to　be
buried　in　that　beautiful　rug　with　velvet　stripes　he　had　received
from　her。　For　this　was　how　they　would　have　wished　to　be；　each
setting　up　an　ideal　to　which　they　were　now　adapting　their　past
life。　Besides；　speech　is　a　rolling…mill　that　always　thins　out　the
sentiment。
But　at　this　invention　of　the　rug　she　asked；　〃But　why？〃
〃Why？〃　He　hesitated。　〃Because　I　loved　you　so！〃　And　congratulating
himself　at　having　surmounted　the　difficulty；　Leon　watched　her
face　out　of　the　corner　of　his　eyes。
It　was　like　the　sky　when　a　gust　of　wind　drives　the　clouds　across。
The　mass　of　sad　thoughts　that　darkened　them　seemed　to　be　lifted
from　her　blue　eyes；　her　whole　face　shone。　He　waited。　At　last　she
replied
〃I　always　suspected　it。〃
Then　they　went　over　all　the　trifling　events　of　that　far…off
existence；　whose　joys　and　sorrows　they　had　just　summed　up　in　one
word。　They　recalled　the　arbour　with　clematis；　the　dresses　she　had
worn；　the　furniture　of　her　room；　the　whole　of　her　house。
〃And　our　poor　cactuses；　where　are　they？〃
〃The　cold　killed　them　this　winter。〃
〃Ah！　how　I　have　thought　of　them；　do　you　know？　I　often　saw　them
again　as　of　yore；　when　on　the　summer　mornings　the　sun　beat　down
upon　your　blinds；　and　I　saw　your　two　bare　arms　passing　out
amongst　the　flowers。〃
〃Poor　friend！〃　she　said；　holding　out　her　hand　to　him。
Leon　swiftly　pressed　his　lips　to　it。　Then；　when　he　had　taken　a
deep　breath
〃At　that　time　you　were　to　me　I　know　not　what　incomprehensible
force　that　took　captive　my　life。　Once；　for　instance；　I　went　to
see　you；　but　you；　no　doubt；　do　not　remember　it。〃
〃I　do；〃　she　said；　〃go　on。〃
〃You　were　downstairs　in　the　ante…room；　ready　to　go　out；　standing
on　the　last　stair；　you　were　wearing　a　bonnet　with　small　blue
flowers；　and　without　any　invitation　from　you；　in　spite　of　myself；
I　went　with　you。　Every　moment；　however；　I　grew　more　and　more
conscious　of　my　folly；　and　I　went　on　walking　by　you；　not　daring
to　follow　you　completely；　and　unwilling　to　leave　you。　When　you
went　into　a　shop；　I　waited　in　the　street；　and　I　watched　you
through　the　window　taking　off　your　gloves　and　counting　the　change
on　the　counter。　Then　you　rang　at　Madame　Tuvache's；　you　were　let
in；　and　I　stood　like　an　idiot　in　front　of　the　great　heavy　door
that　had　closed　after　you。〃
Madame　Bovary；　as　she　listened　to　him；　wondered　that　she　was　so
old。　All　these　things　reappearing　before　her　seemed　to　widen　out
her　life；　it　was　like　some　sentimental　immensity　to　which　she
returned；　and　from　time　to　time　she　said　in　a　low　voice；　her　eyes
half　closed
〃Yes；　it　is　truetruetrue！〃
They　heard　eight　strike　on　the　different　clocks　of　the
Beauvoisine　quarter；　which　is　full　of　schools；　churches；　and
large　empty　hotels。　They　no　longer　spoke；　but　they　felt　as　they
looked　upon　each　other　a　buzzing　in　their　heads；　as　if　something
sonorous　had　escaped　from　the　fixed　eyes　of　each　of　them。　They
were　hand　in　hand　now；　and　the　past；　the　future；　reminiscences
and　dreams；　all　were　confounded　in　the　sweetness　of　this　ecstasy。
Night　was　darkening　over　the　walls；　on　which　still　shone；　half
hidden　in　the　shade；　the　coarse　colours　of　four　bills
representing　four　scenes　from　the　〃Tour　de　Nesle；〃　with　a　motto
in　Spanish　and　French　at　the　bottom。　Through　the　sash…window　a
patch　of　dark　sky　was　seen　between　the　pointed　roofs。
She　rose　to　light　two　wax…candles　on　the　drawers；　then　she　sat
down　again。
〃Well！〃　said　Leon。
〃Well！〃　she　replied。
He　was　thinking　how　to　resume　the　interrupted　conversation；　when
she　said　to　him
〃How　is　it　that　no　one　until　now　has　ever　expressed　such
sentiments　to　me？〃
The　clerk　said　that　ideal　natures　were　difficult　to　understand。
He　from　the　first　moment　had　loved　her；　and　he　despaired　when　he
thought　of　the　happiness　that　would　have　been　theirs；　if　thanks
to　fortune；　meeting　her　earlier；　they　had　been　indi