stage-land-第4部分

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people　aboutpeople　that　it　is　most　important　that　they　should　see；
and　owing　to　not　seeing　whom　they　get　themselves　into　fearful　trouble；
and　they　never　notice　any　of　them。　　They　talk　to　somebody　opposite；
and　they　can't　see　a　third　person　that　is　standing　bang　between　the
two　of　them。

You　might　fancy　they　wore　blinkers。

Then；　again；　their　hearing　is　so　terribly　weak。　　It　really　ought　to　be
seen　to。　　People　talk　and　chatter　at　the　very　top　of　their　voices
close　behind　them；　and　they　never　hear　a　worddon't　know　anybody's
there；　even。　　After　it　has　been　going　on　for　half　an　hour；　and　the
people　〃up　stage〃　have　made　themselves　hoarse　with　shouting；　and
somebody　has　been　boisterously　murdered　and　all　the　furniture　upset；
then　the　people　〃down　stage〃　〃think　they　hear　a　noise。〃

The　comic　man　always　rows　with　his　wife　if　he　is　married　or　with　his
sweetheart　if　he　is　not　married。　　They　quarrel　all　day　long。　　It　must
be　a　trying　life；　you　would　think；　but　they　appear　to　like　it。

How　the　comic　man　lives　and　supports　his　wife　（she　looks　as　if　it
wanted　something　to　support　her；　too）　and　family　is　always　a　mystery
to　us。　　As　we　have　said；　he　is　not　a　rich　man　and　he　never　seems　to
earn　any　money。　　Sometimes　he　keeps　a　shop；　and　in　the　way　he　manages
business　it　must　be　an　expensive　thing　to　keep；　for　he　never　charges
anybody　for　anything；　he　is　so　generous。　　All　his　customers　seem　to　be
people　more　or　less　in　trouble；　and　he　can't　find　it　in　his　heart　to
ask　them　to　pay　for　their　goods　under　such　distressing　circumstances。

He　stuffs　their　basket　full　with　twice　as　much　as　they　came　to　buy；
pushes　their　money　back　into　their　hands；　and　wipes　away　a　tear。

Why　doesn't　a　comic　man　come　and　set　up　a　grocery　store　in　our
neighborhood？

When　the　shop　does　not　prove　sufficiently　profitable　（as　under　the
above…explained　method　sometimes　happens　to　be　the　case）　the　comic
man's　wife　seeks　to　add　to　the　income　by　taking　in　lodgers。　　This　is　a
bad　move　on　her　part；　for　it　always　ends　in　the　lodgers　taking　her　in。
The　hero　and　heroine；　who　seem　to　have　been　waiting　for　something　of
the　sort；　immediately　come　and　take　possession　of　the　whole　house。

Of　course　the　comic　man　could　not　think　of　charging　for　mere　board　and
lodging　the　man　who　knocked　him　down　when　they　were　boys　together！
Besides；　was　not　the　heroine　（now　the　hero's　wife）　the　sweetest　and
the　blithest　girl　in　all　the　village　of　Deepdale？　　（They　must　have
been　a　gloomy　band；　the　others！）　　How　can　any　one　with　a　human　heart
beneath　his　bosom　suggest　that　people　like　that　should　pay　for　their
rest　and　washing？　　The　comic　man　is　shocked　at　his　wife　for　even
thinking　of　such　a　thing；　and　the　end　of　it　is　that　Mr。　and　Mrs。　Hero
live　there　for　the　rest　of　the　play　rent　free；　coals；　soap；　candles；
and　hair…oil　for　the　child　being　provided　for　them　on　the　same　terms。

The　hero　raises　vague　and　feeble　objections　to　this　arrangement　now
and　again。　　He　says　he　will　not　hear　of　such　a　thing；　that　he　will
stay　no　longer　to　be　a　burden　upon　these　honest　folk；　but　will　go
forth　unto　the　roadside　and　there　starve。　　The　comic　man　has　awful
work　with　him；　but　wins　at　last　and　persuades　the　noble　fellow　to　stop
on　and　give　the　place　another　trial。

When；　a　morning　or　so　after　witnessing　one　of　these　beautiful　scenes；
our　own　landlady　knocks　at　our　door　and　creates　a　disturbance　over　a
paltry　matter　of　three　or　four　weeks'　rent；　and　says　she'll　have　her
money　or　out　we　go　that　very　day；　and　drifts　slowly　away　down　toward
the　kitchen；　abusing　us　in　a　rising　voice　as　she　descends；　then　we
think　of　these　things　and　grow　sad。

It　is　the　example　of　the　people　round　him　that　makes　the　comic　man　so
generous。　　Everybody　is　generous　on　the　stage。　　They　are　giving　away
their　purses　all　day　long；　that　is　the　regulation　〃tip〃　on　the
stageone's　purse。　　The　moment　you　hear　a　tale　of　woe；　you　grab　it
out　of　your　pocket；　slap　it　in　to　the　woe…er's　palm；　grip　his　hand；
dash　away　a　tear；　and　exit；　you　don't　even　leave　yourself　a　'bus　fare
home。　　You　walk　back　quickly　and　get　another　purse。

Middle…class　people　and　others　on　the　stage　who　are　short　of　purses
have　to　content　themselves　with　throwing　about　rolls　of　bank…notes　and
tipping　servants　with　five…pound　checks。　　Very　stingy　people　on　the
stage　have　been　known　to　be　so　cussed　mean　as　to　give　away　mere
sovereigns。

But　they　are　generally　only　villains　or　lords　that　descend　to　this
sort　of　thing。　　Respectable　stage　folk　never　offer　anything　less　than
a　purse。

The　recipient　is　very　grateful　on　receiving　the　purse　（he　never　looks
inside）　and　thinks　that　Heaven　ought　to　reward　the　donor。　　They　get　a
lot　of　work　out　of　Heaven　on　the　stage。　　Heaven　does　all　the　odd　jobs
for　them　that　they　don't　want　to　go　to　the　trouble　and　expense　of
doing　for　themselves。　　Heaven's　chief　duty　on　the　stage　is　to　see　to
the　repayment　of　all　those　sums　of　money　that　are　given　or　lent　to　the
good　people。　　It　is　generally　requested　to　do　this　to　the　tune　of　a
〃thousand…fold〃an　exorbitant　rate　when　you　come　to　think　of　it。

Heaven　is　also　expected　to　take　care　that　the　villain　gets　properly
cursed；　and　to　fill　up　its　spare　time　by　bringing　misfortune　upon　the
local　landlord。　　It　has　to　avenge　everybody　and　to　help　all　the　good
people　whenever　they　are　in　trouble。　　And　they　keep　it　going　in　this
direction。

And　when　the　hero　leaves　for　prison　Heaven　has　to　take　care　of　his
wife　and　child　till　he　comes　out；　and　if　this　isn't　a　handful　for　it；
we　don't　know　what　would　be！

Heaven　on　the　stage　is　always　on　the　side　of　the　hero　and　heroine　and
against　the　police。

Occasionally；　of　late　years；　the　comic　man　has　been　a　bad　man；　but　you
can't　hate　him　for　it。　　What　if　he　does　ruin　the　hero　and　rob　the
heroine　and　help　to　murder　the　good　old　man？　　He　does　it　all　in　such　a
genial；　light…hearted　spirit　that　it　is　not　in　one's　heart　to　feel
angry　with　him。　　It　is　the　way　in　which　a　thing　is　done　that　makes　all
the　difference。

Besides；　he　can　always　round　on　his　pal；　the　serious　villain；　at　the
end；　and　that　makes　it　all　right。

The　comic　man　is　not　a　sportsman。　　If　he　goes　out　shooting；　we　know
that　when　he　returns　we　shall　hear　that　he　has　shot　the　dog。　　If　he
takes　his　girl　out　on　the　river　he　upsets　her　（literally　we　mean）。
The　comic　man　never　goes　out　for　a　day's　pleasure　without　coming　home
a　wreck。

If　he　merely　goes　to　tea　with　his　girl　at　her　mother's；　he　swallows　a
muffin　and　chokes　himself。

The　comic　man　is　not　happy　in　his　married　life；　nor　does　it　seem　to　us
that　he　goes　the　right　way　to　be　so。　　He　calls　his　wife　〃his　old　Dutch
clock；〃　〃the　old　geyser；〃　and　such　like　terms　of　endearment；　and
addresses　her　with　such　remarks　as　〃Ah；　you　old　cat；〃　〃You　ugly　old
nutmeg　grater；〃　〃You　orangamatang；　you！〃　etc。；　etc。

Well；　you　know　that　is　not　the　way　to　make　things　pleasant　about　a
house。

Still；　with　all　his　faults　we　like　the　comic　man。　　He　is　not　always　in
trouble　and　he　does　not　make　long　speeches。

Let　us　bless　him。



THE　LAWYER。

He　is　very　old；　and　very　long；　and　very　thin。　　He　has　white　hair。　　He
dresses　in　the　costume　of　the　last　generation　but　seven。　　He　has　bushy
eyebrows　and　is　clean　shaven。　　His　chin　itches　considerably；　so　that
he　has　to　be　always　scratching　it。　　His　favorite　remark　is　〃Ah！〃

In　real　life　we　have　heard　of　young　solicitors；　of　foppish　solicitors；
of　short　solicitors；　but　on　the　stage　they　are　always　very　thin　and
very　old。　　The　youngest　stage　solicitor　we　ever　remember　to　have　seen
looked　about　sixtythe　oldest　about　a　hundred　and　forty…five。

By　the　bye；　it　is　never　very　safe　to　judge　people's　ages　on　the　stage
by　their　personal　appearance。　　We　have　known　old　ladies　who　looked
seventy；　if　they　were　a　day；　turn　out　to　be　the　mothers　of　boys　of
fourteen；　while　the　middle…aged　husband　of　the　young　wife　generally
gives　one　the　idea　of　ninety。

Again；　what　appears　at　first　sight　to　be　a　comfortable…looking　and
eminently　respectable　elderly　lady　is　often　discovered　to　be；　in
reality；　a　giddy；　girlish；　and　inexperienced　young　thing；　the　pride　of
the　village　or　the　darling　of　the　regiment。

So；　too；　an　exceptionally　stout　and　short…winded　old　gentleman；　who
looks　as　if　he　had　been　living　too　well　and　taking　too　little　exercise
for　the　last　forty…five　years；　is　not　the　heavy　father；　as　you　might
imagine　if　you　judged　from　mere　external　evidence；　but　a　wild；
reckless　boy。

You　would　not　think　so　to　look　at　him；　but　his　only　faults　are　that　he
is　so　young　and　light…headed。　　There　is　good　in　him；　however；　and　he
will　no　doubt　be　steady　enough　when　he　grows　up。　　All　the　young　men　of
the　neighborhood　worship　him　and　the　girls　love　him。

〃Here　he　comes；〃　they　say；　〃dear；　dear　old　JackJack；　the　darling
boythe　headstrong　youthJack；　the　leader　of　our　juvenile
sportsJack；　whose　childish　innocence　wins　all　hearts。　　Three　cheers
for　dancing；　bright…eyed　Jack！〃

On　the　other　hand；　ladies　with　the　complexion　of　eighteen　are；　you
learn　as　the　story　progresses；　quite　elderly　women；　the　mothers　of
middle…aged　heroes。

The　experienced　observer　of　stage…land　never　jumps　to　conclusions　from
what　he　sees。　　He　waits　till　he　is　told　things。

The　stage　lawyer　never　has　any　office　of　his　own。　　He　transacts　all
his　business　at　his　clients'　houses。　　He　will　travel　hundreds　of　miles
to　tell　them　the　most　trivial　piece　of　legal　information。

It　never　occurs　to　him　how　much　simpler　it　would　be　to　write　a　letter。
The　item　for　〃traveling　expenses〃　in　his　bill　of　costs　must　be
something　enormous。

There　are　two　moments　in　the　course　of　his　client's　career　that　the
stage　lawyer　particularly　enjoys。　　The　first　is　when　the　client　comes
unexpectedly　into　a　fortune；　the　second　when　he　unexpectedly　loses　it。

In　the　former　case；　upon　learning　the　good　news　the　stage　lawyer　at
once　leaves　his　business　and　hurries　off　to　the　other　end　of　the
kingdom　to　bear　the　glad　tidings。　　He　arrives　at　the　humble　domicile
of　the　beneficiary　in　question；　sends　up　his　card；　and　is　ushered　into
the　front　parlor。　　He　enters　mysteriously　and　sits　leftclient　sits
right。　　An　ordinary；　common　lawyer　would　come　to　the　point　at　once；
state　the　matter　in