poor miss finch-第70部分

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All　you　have　to　do　is　to　read　on。　Here　is　the　journal。　I　won't　stand
another　moment　in　your　way。P。＇

_September_　2nd。A　rainy　day。　Very　little　said　that　is　worth　recording
between　Oscar　and　me。

My　aunt；　whose　spirits　are　always　affected　by　bad　weather；　kept　me　a　long
time　in　her　sitting…room；　amusing　herself　by　making　me　exercise　my　sight。
Oscar　was　present　by　special　invitation；　and　assisted　the　old　lady　in
setting　this　new　seeing…sense　of　mine　all　sorts　of　tasks。　He　tried　hard
to　prevail　on　me　to　let　him　see　my　writing。　I　refused。　It　is　improving　as
fast　as　it　can；　but　it　is　not　good　enough　yet。

I　notice　here　what　a　dreadfully　difficult　thing　it　is　to　get　backin
such　a　case　as　mineto　the　exercise　of　one's　sight。

We　have　a　cat　and　a　dog　in　the　house。　Would　it　be　credited；　if　I　was
telling　it　to　the　world　instead　of　telling　it　to　my　Journal；　that　I
actually　mistook　one　for　the　other　to…day？after　seeing　so　well；　too；　as
I　do　now；　and　being　able　to　write　with　so　few　false　strokes　in　making　my
letters！　It　is　nevertheless　true　that　I　did　mistake　the　two　animals；
having　trusted　to　nothing　but　my　memory　to　inform　my　eyes　which　was
which；　instead　of　helping　my　memory　by　my　touch。　I　have　now　set　this
right。　I　caught　up　puss；　and　shut　my　eyes　（oh；　that　habit！　when　shall　I
get　over　it？）　and　felt　her　soft　fur　（so　different　from　a　dog's　hair！）　and
opened　my　eyes　again；　and　associated　the　feel　of　the　fur　for　ever
afterwards　with　the　sight　of　a　cat。

To…day's　experience　has　also　informed　me　that　I　make　slow　progress　in
teaching　myself　to　judge　correctly　of　distances。

In　spite　of　this　drawback；　however；　there　is　nothing　I　enjoy　so　much　in
using　my　sight　as　looking　at　a　great　wide　prospect　of　any　kindprovided
I　am　not　asked　to　judge　how　far　or　how　near　objects　may　be。　It　seems　like
escaping　out　of　prison；　to　look　（after　having　been　shut　up　in　my
blindness）　at　the　view　over　the　town；　and　the　bold　promontory　of　the
pier；　and　the　grand　sweep　of　the　sea　beyondall　visible　from　our
windows。

The　moment　my　aunt　begins　to　question　me　about　distances；　she　makes　a
toil　of　my　pleasure。　It　is　worse　still　when　I　am　asked　about　the　relative
sizes　of　ships　and　boats。　When　I　see　nothing　but　a　boat；　I　fancy　it
larger　than　it　is。　When　I　see　the　boat　in　comparison　with　a　ship；　and
then　look　back　at　the　boat；　I　instantly　go　to　the　other　extreme；　and
fancy　it　smaller　than　it　is。　The　setting　this　right　still　vexes　me　almost
as　keenly　as　my　stupidity　vexed　me　some　time　since；　when　I　saw　my　first
horse　and　cart　from　an　upper　window；　and　took　it　for　a　dog　drawing　a
wheelbarrow！　Let　me　add　in　my　own　defence　that　both　horse　and　cart　were
figured　at　least　five　times　their　proper　size　in　my　blind　fancy；　which
makes　my　mistake；　I　think；　not　so　very　stupid　after　all。

Well；　I　amused　my　aunt。　And　what　effect　did　I　produce　on　Oscar？

If　I　could　trust　my　eyes；　I　should　say　I　produced　exactly　the　contrary
effect　on　_him_I　made　him　melancholy。　But　I　don't　trust　my　eyes。　They
must　be　deceiving　me　when　they　tell　me　that　he　looked；　in　my　company；　a
moping；　anxious；　miserable　man。

Or　is　it；　that　he　sees　and　feels　something　changed　in　Me？　I　could　scream
with　vexation　and　rage　against　myself。　Here　is　my　Oscarand　yet　he　is
not　the　Oscar　I　knew　when　I　was　blind。　Contradictory　as　it　seems；　I　used
to　understand　how　he　looked　at　me；　when　I　was　unable　to　see　it。　Now　that
I　can　see　it；　I　ask　myself；　Is　this　really　love　that　is　looking　at　me　in
his　eyes？　or　is　it　something　else？　How　should　I　know？　I　knew　when　I　had
only　my　own　fancy　to　tell　me。　But　now；　try　as　I　may；　I　cannot　make　the
old　fancy　and　the　new　sight　serve　me　in　harmony　both　together。　I　am
afraid　he　sees　that　I　don't　understand　him。　Oh；　dear！　dear！　why　did　I　not
meet　my　good　old　Grosse；　and　become　the　new　creature　that　he　has　made　me；
before　I　met　Oscar？　I　should　have　had　no　blind　memories　and
prepossessions　to　get　over　then。　I　shall　become　used　to　my　new　self；　I
hope　and　believe；　with　timeand　that　will　accustom　me　to　my　new
impressions　of　Oscarand　so　it　may　all　come　right　in　the　end。　It　is　all
wrong　enough　now。　He　put　his　arm　round　me；　and　gave　me　a　little　tender
squeeze；　while　we　were　following　Miss　Batchford　down　to　the　dining…room
this　afternoon。　Nothing　in　me　answered　to　it。　I　should　have　felt　it　all
over　me　a　few　months　since。

Here　is　a　tear　on　the　paper。　What　a　fool　I　am！　Why　can't　I　write　about
something　else？

I　sent　my　second　letter　to　my　father　to…day；　telling　him　of　Oscar's
return　from　abroad；　and　taking　no　notice　of　his　not　having　replied　to　my
first　letter。　The　only　way　to　manage　my　father　is　not　to　take　notice；　and
to　let　him　come　right　by　himself。　I　showed　Oscar　my　letterwith　a　space
left　at　the　end　for　his　postscript。　While　he　was　writing　it；　he　asked　me
to　get　something　which　happened　to　be　up…stairs　in　my　room。　When　I　came
back；　he　had　sealed　the　envelopeforgetting　to　show　me　his　postscript。
It　was　not　worth　while　to　open　the　letter　again；　he　told　me　what　he　had
written；　and　that　did　just　as　well。

＇Note。I　must　trouble　you　with　a　copy　of　what　Nugent　really　did　write。
It　shows　why　he　sent　her　out　of　the　room；　and　closed　the　envelope　before
she　could　come　back。　The　postscript　is　also　worthy　of　notice；　in　this
respectthat　it　plays　a　part　in　a　page　of　my　narrative　which　is　still　to
come。

Thus　Nugent　writes；　in　Oscar's　name　and　character；　to　the　rector　of
Dimchurch。　（I　have　already　mentioned；　as　you　will　see　in　the
twenty…second　chapter；　that　a　close　similarity　of　handwriting　was　one
among　the　other　striking　points　of　resemblance　between　the　twins。）

〃DEAR　MR。　FINCH；

〃Lucilla's　letter　will　have　told　you　that　I　have　come　to　my　senses；　and
that　I　am　again　paying　my　addresses　to　her　as　her　affianced　husband。　My
principal　object　in　adding　these　lines　is　to　propose　that　we　should
forget　the　past；　and　go　on　again　as　if　nothing　had　happened。

〃Nugent　has　behaved　nobly。　He　absolves　me　from　the　engagements　towards
him　into　which　I　so　rashly　entered；　at　our　last　interview　before　I　left
Browndown。　Most　generously　and　amply　he　has　redeemed　his　pledge　to　Madame
Pratolungo　to　discover　the　place　of　my　retreat　and　to　restore　me　to
Lucilla。　For　the　present　he　remains　abroad。

〃If　you　favor　me　with　a　reply　to　this；　I　must　warn　you　to　be　careful　how
you　write；　for　Lucilla　is　sure　to　ask　to　see　your　letter。　Remember　that
she　only　supposes　me　to　have　returned　to　her　after　a　brief　absence　from
England；　caused　by　a　necessity　for　joining　my　brother　on　the　Continent。
It　will　be　also　desirable　to　say　nothing　on　the　subject　of　my　unfortunate
peculiarity　of　complexion。　I　have　made　it　all　right　with　Lucilla；　and　she
is　getting　accustomed　to　me。　Still；　the　subject　is　a　sore　one；　and　the
less　it　is　referred　to　the　better。

Truly　yours；

〃OSCAR。〃


Unless　I　add　a　word　of　explanation　here；　you　will　hardly　appreciate　the
extraordinary　skillfulness　with　which　the　deception　is　continued　by　means
of　this　postscript。

Written　in　Oscar's　character　（and　representing　Nugent　as　having　done　all
that　he　had　promised　me　to　do）　it　designedly　omits　the　customary　courtesy
of　Oscar's　style。　The　object　of　this　is　to　offend　Mr。　Finchwith　what
end　in　view　you　will　presently　see。　The　rector　was　the　last　man　in
existence　to　dispense　with　the　necessary　apologies　and　expressions　of
regret　from　a　man　engaged　to　his　daughter；　who　had　left　her　as　Oscar　had
left　herno　matter　how　the　circumstances　might　appear　to　excuse　him。　The
curt；　off…hand　postscript　signed　〃Oscar〃　was　the　very　thing　to　exasperate
the　wound　already　inflicted　on　Mr。　Finch's　self…esteem；　and　to　render　it
at　least　probable　that　he　would　reconsider　his　intention　of　himself
performing　the　marriage　ceremony。　In　the　event　of　his　refusal；　what　would
happen？　A　stranger；　entirely　ignorant　of　which　was　Nugent　and　which　was
Oscar；　would　officiate　in　his　place。　Do　you　see　it　now？

But　even　the　cleverest　people　are　not　always　capable　of　providing　for
every　emergency。　The　completest　plot　generally　has　its　weak　place。

The　postscript；　as　you　have　seen；　was　a　little　masterpiece。　But　it
nevertheless　exposed　the　writer　to　a　danger　which　（as　the　Journal　will
tell　you）　he　only　appreciated　at　its　true　value　when　it　was　too　late　to
alter　his　mind。　Finding　himself　forced；　for　the　sake　of　appearances；　to
permit　Lucilla　to　inform　her　father　of　his　arrival　at　Ramsgate；　he　was
now　obliged　to　run　the　risk　of　having　that　important　piece　of　domestic
news　communicatedeither　by　Mr。　Finch　or　by　his　wifeto　no　less　a
person　than　myself。　You　will　remember　that　worthy　Mrs。　Finch；　when　we
parted　at　the　rectory；　had　asked　me　to　write　to　her　while　I　was
abroadand　you　will　see；　after　the　hint　I　have　given　you；　that　clever
Mr。　Nugent　is　beginning　already　to　walk　upon　delicate　ground。　I　say　no
more：　Lucilla's　turn　now。P。＇

_September_　3rd。Oscar　has　（I　suppose）　forgotten　something　which　he
ought　to　have　included　in　his　postscript　to　my　letter。

More　than　two　hours　after　I　had　sent　it　to　the　post；　he　asked　if　the
letter　had　gone。　For　the　moment；　he　looked　annoyed　when　I　said；　Yes。　But
he　soon　recovered　himself。　It　mattered　nothing　（he　said）；　he　could　easily
write　again。　〃Talking　of　letters；〃　he　added；　〃do　you　expect　Madame
Pratolungo　to　write　to　you？〃　（This　time　it　was　he　who　referred　to　her！）　I
told　him　that　there　was　not　much　chance；　after　what　had　passed　on　her
side　and　on　mine；　of　her　writing　to　meand　then　tried　to　put　some　of
those　questions　about　her　which　he　had　once　already　requested　me　not　to
press　yet。　For　the　second　time；　he　entreated　me　to　defer　the　discussion
of　that　unpleasant　subject　for　the　presentand　yet；　with　a　curious
inconsistency；　he　made　another　inquiry　relating　to　the　subject　in　the
same　breath。

〃Do　you　think　she　is　likely　to　be　in　correspondence　with　your　father；　or
your　stepmother；　while　she　is　out　of　England？〃　he　asked。

〃I　should　doubt　her　writing　to　my　father；〃　I　said。　〃But　she　might
correspond　with　Mrs。　Finch。〃

He　considered　a　littleand　then　turned　the　talk　to　the　topic　of　our
residence　at　Ramsgate　next。

〃How　long　do　you　stay　here？〃　he　inquired。

〃It　depends　on　Herr　Grosse；〃　I　answered。　〃I　will　ask　him　when　he　comes
next。〃

He　turned　away