the queen of hearts-第75部分

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the　place；　then　I　returned　to　the　grave。　Oh；　how　bare　and　cruel
it　was；　without　so　much　as　a　bit　of　green　turf　to　soften　it！　Oh；
how　much　harder　it　seemed　to　live　than　to　die；　when　I　stood　alone
looking　at　the　heavy　piled…up　lumps　of　clay；　and　thinking　of　what
was　hidden　beneath　them！

I　was　driven　home　by　my　own　despairing　thoughts。　The　sight　of
Sally　lighting　the　fire　in　my　room　eased　my　heart　a　little。　When
she　was　gone；　I　took　up　Robert's　letter　again　to　keep　my　mind
employed　on　the　only　subject　in　the　world　that　has　any　interest
for　it　now。

This　fresh　reading　increased　the　doubts　I　had　already　felt
relative　to　his　having　remained　in　America　after　writing　to　me。
My　grief　and　forlornness　have　made　a　strange　alteration　in　my
former　feelings　about　his　coming　back。　I　seem　to　have　lost　all　my
prudence　and　self…denial；　and　to　care　so　little　about　his
poverty；　and　so　much　about　himself；　that　the　prospect　of　his
return　is　really　the　only　comforting　thought　I　have　now　to
support　me。　　I　know　this　is　weak　in　me；　and　that　his　coming　back
can　l　ead　to　no　good　result　for　either　of　us；　but　he　is　the　only
living　being　left　me　to　love；　andI　can't　explain　itbut　I　want
to　put　my　arms　round　his　neck　and　tell　him　about　Mary。


March　14th。　I　locked　up　the　end　of　the　cravat　in　my
writing…desk。　No　change　in　the　dreadful　suspicions　that　the　bare
sight　of　it　rouses　in　me。　I　tremble　if　I　so　much　as　touch　it。


March　15th；　16th；　17th。　Work；　work；　work。　If　I　don't　knock　up；
I　shall　be　able　to　pay　back　the　advance　in　another　week；　and
then；　with　a　little　more　pinching　in　my　daily　expenses；　I　may
succeed　in　saving　a　shilling　or　two　to　get　some　turf　to　put　over
Mary's　grave；　and　perhaps　even　a　few　flowers　besides　to　grow
round　it。


March　18th。　Thinking　of　Robert　all　day　long。　Does　this　mean
that　he　is　really　coming　back？　If　it　does；　reckoning　the　distance
he　is　at　from　New　York；　and　the　time　ships　take　to　get　to
England；　I　might　see　him　by　the　end　of　April　or　the　beginning　of
May。


March　19th。　I　don't　remember　my　mind　running　once　on　the　end　of
the　cravat　yesterday；　and　I　am　certain　I　never　looked　at　it；　yet
I　had　the　strangest　dream　concerning　it　at　night。　I　thought　it
was　lengthened　into　a　long　clew；　like　the　silken　thread　that　led
to　Rosamond's　Bower。　I　thought　I　took　hold　of　it；　and　followed　it
a　little　way；　and　then　got　frightened　and　tried　to　go　back；　but
found　that　I　was　obliged；　in　spite　of　myself；　to　go　on。　It　led　me
through　a　place　like　the　Valley　of　the　Shadow　of　Death；　in　an　old
print　I　remember　in　my　mother's　copy　of　the　Pilgrim's　Progress。　I
seemed　to　be　months　and　months　following　it　without　any　respite；
till　at　last　it　brought　me；　on　a　sudden；　face　to　face　with　an
angel　whose　eyes　were　like　Mary's。　He　said　to　me；　〃Go　on；　still；
the　truth　is　at　the　end；　waiting　for　you　to　find　it。〃　I　burst　out
crying；　for　the　angel　had　Mary's　voice　as　well　as　Mary's　eyes；
and　woke　with　my　heart　throbbing　and　my　cheeks　all　wet。　What　is
the　meaning　of　this？　Is　it　always　superstitious；　I　wonder；　to
believe　that　dreams　may　come　true？

*　*　*　*　*　*　*

April　30th。　I　have　found　it！　God　knows　to　what　results　it　may
lead；　but　it　is　as　certain　as　that　I　am　sitting　here　before　my
journal　that　I　have　found　the　cravat　from　which　the　end　in　Mary's
hand　was　torn。　I　discovered　it　last　night；　but　the　flutter　I　was
in；　and　the　nervousness　and　uncertainty　I　felt；　prevented　me　from
noting　down　this　most　extraordinary　and　unexpected　event　at　the
time　when　it　happened。　Let　me　try　if　I　can　preserve　the　memory　of
it　in　writing　now。

I　was　going　home　rather　late　from　where　I　work；　when　I　suddenly
remembered　that　I　had　forgotten　to　buy　myself　any　candles　the
evening　before；　and　that　I　should　be　left　in　the　dark　if　I　did
not　manage　to　rectify　this　mistake　in　some　way。　The　shop　close　to
me；　at　which　I　usually　deal；　would　be　shut　up；　I　knew；　before　I
could　get　to　it；　so　I　determined　to　go　into　the　first　place　I
passed　where　candles　were　sold。　This　turned　out　to　be　a　small
shop　with　two　counters；　which　did　business　on　one　side　in　the
general　grocery　way；　and　on　the　other　in　the　rag　and　bottle　and
old　iron　line。

There　were　several　customers　on　the　grocery　side　when　I　went　in；
so　I　waited　on　the　empty　rag　side　till　I　could　be　served。
Glancing　about　me　here　at　the　worthless…looking　things　by　which　I
was　surrounded；　my　eye　was　caught　by　a　bundle　of　rags　lying　on
the　counter；　as　if　they　had　just　been　brought　in　and　left　there。
From　mere　idle　curiosity；　I　looked　close　at　the　rags；　and　saw
among　them　something　like　an　old　cravat。　I　took　it　up　directly
and　held　it　under　a　gaslight。　The　pattern　was　blurred　lilac　lines
running　across　and　across　the　dingy　black　ground　in　a
trellis…work　form。　I　looked　at　the　ends：　one　of　them　was　torn
off。

How　I　managed　to　hide　the　breathless　surprise　into　which　this
discovery　threw　me　I　cannot　say；　but　I　certainly　contrived　to
steady　my　voice　somehow；　and　to　ask　for　my　candles　calmly　when
the　man　and　woman　serving　in　the　shop；　having　disposed　of　their
other　customers；　inquired　of　me　what　I　wanted。

As　the　man　took　down　the　candles；　my　brain　was　all　in　a　whirl
with　trying　to　think　how　I　could　get　possession　of　the　old　cravat
without　exciting　any　suspicion。　Chance；　and　a　little　quickness　on
my　part　in　taking　advantage　of　it；　put　the　object　within　my　reach
in　a　moment。　The　man；　having　counted　out　the　candles；　asked　the
woman　for　some　paper　to　wrap　them　in。　She　produced　a　piece　much
too　small　and　flimsy　for　the　purpose；　and　declared；　when　he
called　for　something　better；　that　the　day's　supply　of　stout　paper
was　all　exhausted。　He　flew　into　a　rage　with　her　for　managing　so
badly。　Just　as　they　were　beginning　to　quarrel　violently；　I
stepped　back　to　the　rag…counter；　took　the　old　cravat　carelessly
out　of　the　bundle；　and　said；　in　as　light　a　tone　as　I　could
possibly　assume：

〃Come；　come；　don't　let　my　candles　be　the　cause　of　hard　words
between　you。　Tie　this　ragged　old　thing　round　them　with　a　bit　of
string；　and　I　shall　carry　them　home　quite　comfortably。〃

The　man　seemed　disposed　to　insist　on　the　stout　paper　being
produced；　but　the　woman；　as　if　she　was　glad　of　an　opportunity　of
spiting　him；　snatched　the　candles　away；　and　tied　them　up　in　a
moment　in　the　torn　old　cravat。　I　was　afraid　he　would　have　struck
her　before　my　face；　he　seemed　in　such　a　fury；　but；　fortunately；
another　customer　came　in；　and　obliged　him　to　put　his　hands　to
peaceable　and　proper　use。？

〃Quite　a　bundle　of　all…sorts　on　the　opposite　counter　there；〃　I
said　to　the　woman；　as　I　paid　her　for　the　candles。

〃Yes；　and　all　hoarded　up　for　sale　by　a　poor　creature　with　a　lazy
brute　of　a　husband；　who　lets　his　wife　do　all　the　work　while　he
spends　all　the　money；〃　answered　the　woman；　with　a　malicious　look
at　the　man　by　her　side。

〃He　can't　surely　have　much　money　to　spend；　if　his　wife　has　no
better　work　to　do　than　picking　up　rags；〃　said　I。

〃It　isn't　her　fault　if　she　hasn't　got　no　better；〃　says　the　woman；
rather　angrily。　〃She's　ready　to　turn　her　hand　to　anything。
Charing；　washing；　laying…out；　keeping　empty　housesnothing　comes
amiss　to　her。　She's　my　half…sister；　and　I　think　I　ought　to　know。〃

〃Did　you　say　she　went　out　charing？〃　I　asked；　making　believe　as　if
I　knew　of　somebody　who　might　employ　her。

〃Yes；　of　course　I　did；〃　answered　the　woman；　〃and　if　you　can　put　a
job　into　her　hands；　you'll　be　doing　a　good　turn　to　a　poor
hard…working　creature　as　wants　it。　She　lives　down　the　Mews　here
to　the　rightname　of　Horlick；　and　as　honest　a　woman　as　ever
stood　in　shoe…leather。　Now；　then；　ma'am；　what　for　you？〃

Another　customer　came　in　just　then；　and　occupied　her　attention。　I
left　the　shop；　passed　the　turning　that　led　down　to　the　Mews；
looked　up　at　the　name　of　the　street；　so　as　to　know　how　to　find　it
again；　and　then　ran　home　as　fast　as　I　could。　Perhaps　it　was　the
remembrance　of　my　strange　dream　striking　me　on　a　sudden；　or
perhaps　it　was　the　shock　of　the　discovery　I　had　just　made；　but　I
began　to　feel　frightened　without　knowing　why；　and　anxious　to　be
under　shelter　in　my　own　room。

It　Robert　should　come　back！　Oh；　what　a　relief　and　help　it　would
be　now　if　Robert　should　come　back！


May　1st。　On　getting　indoors　last　night；　the　first　thing　I　did；
after　striking　a　light；　was　to　take　the　ragged　cravat　off　the
candles；　and　smooth　it　out　on　the　table。　I　then　took　the　end　that
had　been　in　poor　Mary's　hand　out　of　my　writing…desk；　and　smoothed
that　out　too。　It　matched　the　torn　side　of　the　cravat　exactly。　I
put　them　together；　and　satisfied　myself　that　there　was　not　a
doubt　of　it。

Not　once　did　I　close　my　eyes　that　night。　A　kind　of　fever　got
possession　of　mea　vehement　yearning　to　go　on　from　this　first
discovery　and　find　out　more；　no　matter　what　the　risk　might　be。
The　cravat　now　really　became；　to　my　mind；　the　clew　that　I　thought
I　saw　in　my　dreamthe　clew　that　I　was　resolved　to　follow。　I
determined　to　go　to　Mrs。　Horlick　this　evening　on　my　return　from
work。

I　found　the　Mews　easily。　A　crook…backed　dwarf　of　a　man　was
lounging　at　the　corner　of　it　smoking　his　pipe。　Not　liking　his
looks；　I　did　not　inquire　of　him　where　Mrs。　Horlick　lived；　but
went　down　the　Mews　till　I　met　with　a　woman；　and　asked　her。　She
directed　me　to　the　right　number。　I　knocked　at　the　door；　and　Mrs。
Horlick　herselfa　lean；
　ill…tempered；　miserable…looking　womananswered　it。　I　told　her
at　once　that　I　had　come　to　ask　what　her　terms　were　for　charing。
She　stared　at　me　for　a　moment；　then　answered　my　question　civilly
enough。

〃You　look　surprised　at　a　stranger　like　me　finding　you　out；〃　I
said。　〃I　first　came　to　hear　of　you　last　night；　from　a　relation　of
yours；　in　rather　an　odd　way。〃

And　I　told　her　all　that　had　happened　in　the　chandler's　shop；
bringing　in　the　bundle　of　rags；　and　the　circumstance　of　my
carrying　home　the　candles　in　the　old　torn　cravat；　as　often　as
possible。

〃It's　the　first　time　I've　heard　of　anything　belonging　to　him
turning　out　any　use；〃　said　Mrs。　Horlick；　bitterly。

〃What！　the　spoiled　old　neck…handkerchief　belonged　to　your
husband；　did　it？〃　said　I；　at　a　venture。

〃Yes；　I　pitched　his　rotten　rag　of　a　neck…'andkercher　into　the
bundle　along　with　the　rest；　and　I　wish　I　could　have　pitched　him
in　after　it；