the legacy of cain-第23部分

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room　to　the　teachers：　〃Those　two　pupils　are　expelled　the　school。〃

Both　the　women　looked　horrified。　The　elder　of　the　two　approached
him；　and　tried　to　plead　for　a　milder　sentence。　He　answered　in　one
stern　w　ord：　〃Silence！〃and　left　the　schoolroom；　without　even　a
passing　bow　to　Philip。　And　this；　after　he　had　cordially　shaken
hands　with　my　poor　dear；　not　half　an　hour　before。

I　ought　to　have　made　affectionate　allowance　for　his　nervous
miseries；　I　ought　to　have　run　after　him；　and　begged　his　pardon。
There　must　be　something　wrong；　I　am　afraid；　in　girls　loving
anybody　but　their　fathers。　When　Helena　led　the　way　out　by　another
door；　I　ran　after　Philip；　and　I　asked　_him_　to　forgive　me。

I　don't　know　what　I　said；　it　was　all　confusion。　The　fear　of
having　forfeited　his　fondness　must；　I　suppose；　have　shaken　my
mind。　I　remember　entreating　Helena　to　say　a　kind　word　for　me。　She
was　so　clever；　she　had　behaved　so　well；　she　had　deserved　that
Philip　should　listen　to　her。　〃Oh；〃　I　cried　out　to　him
desperately；　〃what　must　you　think　of　me？〃

〃I　will　tell　you　what　I　think　of　you；〃　he　said。　〃It　is　your
father　who　is　in　fault；　Eunicenot　you。　Nothing　could　have　been
in　worse　taste　than　his　management　of　that　trumpery　affair　in　the
schoolroom；　it　was　a　complete　mistake　from　beginning　to　end。　Make
your　mind　easy；　I　don't　blame　You。〃

〃Are　you；　really　and　truly；　as　fond　of　me　as　ever？〃

〃Yes；　to　be　sure！〃

Helena　seemed　to　be　hardly　as　much　interested　in　this　happy
ending　of　my　anxieties　as　I　might　have　anticipated。　She　walked　on
by　herself。　Perhaps　she　was　thinking　of　poor　papa's　strange
outbreak　of　excitement；　and　grieving　over　it。

We　had　only　a　little　way　to　walk；　before　we　passed　the　door　of
Philip's　hotel。　He　had　not　yet　received　the　expected　letter　from
his　father　the　cruel　letter　which　might　recall　him　to　Ireland。
It　was　then　the　hour　of　delivery　by　our　second　post；　he　went　to
look　at　the　letter…rack　in　the　hall。　Helena　saw　that　I　was
anxious。　She　was　as　kind　again　as　ever；　she　consented　to　wait
with　me　for　Philip；　at　the　door。

He　came　out　to　us　with　an　open　letter　in　his　hand。

〃From　my　father；　at　last；〃　he　saidand　gave　me　the　letter　to
read。　It　only　contained　these　few　lines：

〃Do　not　be　alarmed；　my　dear　boy；　at　the　change　for　the　worse　in
my　handwriting。　I　am　suffering　for　my　devotion　to　the　studious
habits　of　a　lifetime：　my　right　hand　is　attacked　by　the　malady
called　Writer's　Cramp。　The　doctor　here　can　do　nothing。　He　tells
me　of　some　foreign　woman；　mentioned　in　his　newspaper；　who　cures
nervous　derangements　of　all　kinds　by　hand…rubbing；　and　who　is
coming　to　London。　When　you　next　hear　from　me；　I　may　be　in　London
too。〃　There　the　letter　ended。

Of　course　I　knew　who　the　foreign　woman；　mentioned　in　the
newspaper；　was。

But　what　does　Miss　Jillgall's　friend　matter　to　me？　The　one
important　thing　is；　that　Philip　has　not　been　called　back　to
Ireland。　Here　is　a　fortunate　circumstance；　which　perhaps　means
more　good　luck。　I　may　be　Mrs。　Philip　Dunboyne　before　the　year　is
out。


CHAPTER　XXV。

HELENA'S　DIARY。


THEY　all　notice　at　home　that　I　am　looking　worn　and　haggard。　That
hideous　old　maid；　Miss　Jillgall；　had　her　malicious　welcome　ready
for　me　when　we　met　at　breakfast　this　morning：　〃Dear　Helena；　what
has　become　of　your　beauty？　One　would　think　you　had　left　it　in
your　room！〃　Poor　deluded　Eunice　showed　her　sisterly　sympathy：
〃Don't　joke　about　it；　Selina：　can't　you　see　that　Helena　is　ill？〃

I　_have_　been　ill；　ill　of　my　own　wickedness。

But　the　recovery　to　my　tranquillity　will　bring　with　it　the
recovery　of　my　good　looks。　My　fatal　passion　for　Philip　promises
to　be　the　utter　destruction　of　everything　that　is　good　in　me。
Well！　what　is　good　in　me　may　not　be　worth　keeping。　There　is　a
fate　in　these　things。　If　I　am　destined　to　rob　Eunice　of　the　one
dear　object　of　her　love　and　hopehow　can　I　resist？　The　one　kind
thing　I　can　do　is　to　keep　her　in　ignorance　of　what　is　coming；　by
acts　of　affectionate　deceit。

Besides；　if　she　suffers；　I　suffer　too。　In　the　length　and　breadth
of　England；　I　doubt　if　there　is　a　much　more　wicked　young　woman　to
be　found　than　myself。　Is　it　nothing　to　feel　that；　and　to　endure
it　as　I　do？

Upon　my　word；　there　is　no　excuse　for　me！

Is　this　sheer　impudence？　No；　it　is　the　bent　of　my　nature。　I　have
a　tendency　to　self…examination；　accompanied　by　one　meritI　don't
spare　myself。

There　are　excuses　for　Eunice。　She　lives　in　a　fools'　paradise；　and
she　sees　in　her　lover　a　radiant　creature；　shining　in　the　halo
thrown　over　him　by　her　own　self…delusion；　Nothing　of　this　sort　is
to　be　said　for　me。　I　see　Philip　as　he　is。　My　penetration　looks
into　the　lowest　depths　of　his　characterwhen　I　am　not　in　his
company。　There　seems　to　be　a　foundation　of　good；　somewhere　in　his
nature。　He　despises　and　hates　himself　（he　has　confessed　it　to
me）；　when　Eunice　is　with　himstill　believing　in　her　false
sweetheart。　But　how　long　do　these　better　influences　last？　I　have
only　to　show　myself；　in　my　sister's　absence；　and　Philip　is　mine
body　and　soul。　His　vanity　and　his　weakness　take　possession　of　him
the　moment　he　sees　my　face。　He　is　one　of　those　meneven　in　my
little　experience　I　have　met　with　themwho　are　born　to　be　led　by
women。　If　Eunice　had　possessed　my　strength　of　character；　he　would
have　been　true　to　her　for　life。

Ought　I　not；　in　justice　to　myself；　to　have　lifted　my　heart　high
above　the　reach　of　such　a　creature　as　this？　Certainly　I　ought！　I
know　it；　I　feel　it。　And　yet；　there　is　some　fascination　in　having
him　which　I　am　absolutely　unable　to　resist。

What；　I　ask　myself；　has　fed　the　new　flame　which　is　burning　in　me？
Did　it　begin　with　gratified　pride？　I　might　well　feel　proud　when　I
found　myself　admired　by　a　man　of　his　beauty；　set　off　by　such
manners　and　such　accomplishments　as　his。　Or；　has　the　growth　of
this　masterful　feeling　been　encouraged　by　the　envy　and　jealousy
stirred　in　me；　when　I　found　Eunice　（my　inferior　in　every　respect）
distinguished　by　the　devotion　of　a　handsome　lover；　and　having　a
brilliant　marriage　in　viewwhile　I　was　left　neglected；　with　no
prospect　of　changing　my　title　from　Miss　to　Mrs。？　Vain　inquiries！
My　wicked　heart　seems　to　have　secrets　of　its　own；　and　to　keep
them　a　mystery　to　me。

What　has　become　of　my　excellent　education？　I　don't　care　to
inquire；　I　have　got　beyond　the　reach　of　good　books　and　religious
examples。　Among　my　other　blamable　actions　there　may　now　be
reckoned　disobedience　to　my　father。　I　have　been　reading　novels　in
secret。

At　first　I　tried　some　of　the　famous　English　works；　published　at　a
price　within　the　reach　of　small　purses。　Very　well　written；　no
doubtbut　with　one　unpardonable　drawback；　so　far　as　I　am
concerned。　Our　celebrated　native　authors　address　themselves　to
good　people；　or　to　penitent　people　who　want　to　be　made　good；　not
to　wicked　readers　like　me。

Arriving　at　this　conclusion；　I　tried　another　experiment。　In　a
small　bookseller's　shop　I　discovered　some　cheap　translations　of
French　novels。　Here；　I　found　what　I　wantedsympathy　with　sin。
Here；　there　was　opened　to　me　a　new　world　inhabited　entirely　by
unrepentant　people；　the　magnificent　women　diabolically　beautiful；
the　satanic　men　dead　to　every　sense　of　virtue；　and　aliveperhaps
rather　dirtily　aliveto　the　splendid　fascinations　of　crime。　I
know　now　that　Love　is　above　everything　but　itself。　Love　is　the
one　law　that　we　are　bound　to　obey。　How　deep！　how　consoling！　how
admirably　true！　The　novelists　of　England　have　reason　indeed　to
hide　their　heads　before　the　novelists　of　France。　All　that　I　have
felt；　and　have　written　here；　is　inspired　by　these　wonderful
authors。


I　have　relieved　my　mind；　and　may　now　return　to　the　business　of　my
diarythe　record　of　domestic　events。

An　overwhelming　disappointment　has　fallen　on　Eunice。　Our
dinner…party　has　been　put　off。

The　state　of　father's　health　is　answerable　for　this　change　in　our
arrangements　That　wretched　scene　at　the　school；　complicated　by　my
sister's　undutiful　behavior　at　the　time；　so　seriously　excited　him
that　he　passed　a　sleepless　night；　and　kept　his　bedroom　throughout
the　day。　Eunice's　total　want　of　discretion　added；　no　doubt；　to
his　sufferings：　she　rudely　intruded　on　him　to　express　her　regret
and　to　ask　his　pardon。　Having　carried　her　point；　she　was　at
leisure　to　come　to　me；　and　to　ask　（how　amazingly　simple　of　her！）
what　she　and　Philip　were　to　do　next。

〃We　had　arranged　it　all　so　nicely；〃　the　poor　wretch　began。
〃Philip　was　to　have　been　so　clever　and　agreeable
　at　dinner；　and　was　to　have　chosen　his　time　so　very　discreetly；
that　papa　would　have　been　ready　to　listen　to　anything　he　said。
Oh；　we　should　have　succeeded；　I　haven't　a　doubt　of　it！　Our　only
hope；　Helena；　is　in　you。　What　are　we　to　do　now？〃

〃Wait；〃　I　answered。

〃Wait？〃　she　repeated；　hotly。　〃Is　my　heart　to　be　broken？　and；　what
is　more　cruel　still；　is　Philip　to　be　disappointed？　I　expected
something　more　sensible；　my　dear；　from　you。　What　possible　reason
can　there　be　for　waiting？〃

The　reasonif　I　could　only　have　mentioned　itwas　beyond
dispute。　I　wanted　time　to　quiet　Philip's　uneasy　conscience；　and
to　harden　his　weak　mind　against　outbursts　of　violence；　on
Eunice's　part；　which　would　certainly　exhibit　themselves　when　she
found　that　she　had　lost　her　lover；　and　lost　him　to　me。　In　the
meanwhile；　I　had　to　produce　my　reason　for　advising　her　to　wait。
It　was　easily　done。　I　reminded　her　of　the　irritable　condition　of
our　father's　nerves；　and　gave　it　as　my　opinion　that　he　would
certainly　say　No；　if　she　was　unwise　enough　to　excite　him　on　the
subject　of　Philip；　in　his　present　frame　of　mind。

These　unanswerable　considerations　seemed　to　produce　the　right
effect　on　her。　〃I　suppose　you　know　best；〃　was　all　she　said。　And
then　she　left　me。

I　let　her　go　without　feeling　any　distrust　of　this　act　of
submission　on　her　part；　it　was　such　a　common　experience；　in　my
life；　to　find　my　sister　guiding　herself　by　my　advice。　But
experience　is　not　always　to　be　trusted。　Events　soon　showed　that　I
had　failed　to　estimate　Eunice's　resources　of　obstinacy　and
cunning　at　their　true　value。

Half　an　hour　later　I　heard　the　street　door　closed；　and　looked　out
of　the　window。　Miss　Jillgall　was　leaving　the　house；　no　one　was
with　her。　My　dislike　of　this　person　led　me　astray　once　more。