resurrection(复活)-第22部分

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choose　between　the　two　oppositesthe　recognition　that　holding
land　was　unjust　and　the　heritage　from　his　mother？　How　atone　for
his　sin　against　Katusha？　This　last；　at　any　rate；　could　not　be
left　as　it　was。　He　could　not　abandon　a　woman　he　had　loved；　and
satisfy　himself　by　paying　money　to　an　advocate　to　save　her　from
hard　labour　in　Siberia。　She　had　not　even　deserved　hard　labour。
Atone　for　a　fault　by　paying　money？　Had　he　not　then；　when　he　gave
her　the　money；　thought　he　was　atoning　for　his　fault？

And　he　clearly　recalled　to　mind　that　moment　when；　having　caught
her　up　in　the　passage；　he　thrust　the　money　into　her　bib　and　ran
away。　〃Oh；　that　money！〃　he　thought　with　the　same　horror　and
disgust　he　had　then　felt。　〃Oh；　dear！　oh；　dear！　how　disgusting；〃
he　cried　aloud　as　he　had　done　then。　〃Only　a　scoundrel；　a　knave；
could　do　such　a　thing。　And　I　am　that　knave；　that　scoundrel！〃　He
went　on　aloud：　〃But　is　it　possible？〃he　stopped　and　stood
still〃is　it　possible　that　I　am　really　a　scoundrel？　。　。　。
Well；　who　but　I？〃　he　answered　himself。　〃And　then；　is　this　the
only　thing？〃　he　went　on；　convicting　himself。　〃Was　not　my　conduct
towards　Mary　Vasilievna　and　her　husband　base　and　disgusting？　And
my　position　with　regard　to　money？　To　use　riches　considered　by　me
unlawful　on　the　plea　that　they　are　inherited　from　my　mother？　And
the　whole　of　my　idle；　detestable　life？　And　my　conduct　towards
Katusha　to　crown　all？　Knave　and　scoundrel！　Let　men　judge　me　as
they　like；　I　can　deceive　them；　but　myself　I　cannot　deceive。〃

And；　suddenly；　he　understood　that　the　aversion　he　had　lately；　and
particularly　to…day；　felt　for　everybodythe　Prince　and　Sophia
Vasilievna　and　Corney　and　Missywas　an　aversion　for　himself。
And；　strange　to　say；　in　this　acknowledgement　of　his　baseness
there　was　something　painful　yet　joyful　and　quieting。

More　than　once　in　Nekhludoff's　life　there　had　been　what　he　called
a　〃cleansing　of　the　soul。〃　By　〃cleansing　of　the　soul〃　he　meant　a
state　of　mind　in　which；　after　a　long　period　of　sluggish　inner
life；　a　total　cessation　of　its　activity；　he　began　to　clear　out
all　the　rubbish　that　had　accumulated　in　his　soul；　and　was　the
cause　of　the　cessation　of　the　true　life。　His　soul　needed
cleansing　as　a　watch　does。　After　such　an　awakening　Nekhludoff
always　made　some　rules　for　himself　which　he　meant　to　follow
forever　after；　wrote　his　diary；　and　began　afresh　a　life　which　he
hoped　never　to　change　again。　〃Turning　over　a　new　leaf；〃　he　called
it　to　himself　in　English。　But　each　time　the　temptations　of　the
world　entrapped　him；　and　without　noticing　it　he　fell　again；　often
lower　than　before。

Thus　he　had　several　times　in　his　life　raised　and　cleansed
himself。　The　first　time　this　happened　was　during　the　summer　he
spent　with　his　aunts；　that　was　his　most　vital　and　rapturous
awakening；　and　its　effects　had　lasted　some　time。　Another
awakening　was　when　he　gave　up　civil　service　and　joined　the　army
at　war　time；　ready　to　sacrifice　his　life。　But　here　the　choking…up
process　was　soon　accomplished。　Then　an　awakening　came　when　he
left　the　army　and　went　abroad；　devoting　himself　to　art。

From　that　time　until　this　day　a　long　period　had　elapsed　without
any　cleansing；　and　therefore　the　discord　between　the　demands　of
his　conscience　and　the　life　he　was　leading　was　greater　than　it
had　ever　been　before。　He　was　horror…struck　when　he　saw　how　great
the　divergence　was。　It　was　so　great　and　the　defilement　so
complete　that　he　despaired　of　the　possibility　of　getting
cleansed。　〃Have　you　not　tried　before　to　perfect　yourself　and
become　better；　and　nothing　has　come　of　it？〃　whispered　the　voice
of　the　tempter　within。　〃What　is　the　use　of　trying　any　more？　Are
you　the　only　one？All　are　alike；　such　is　life；〃　whispered　the
voice。　But　the　free　spiritual　being；　which　alone　is　true；　alone
powerful；　alone　eternal；　had　already　awakened　in　Nekhludoff；　and
he　could　not　but　believe　it。　Enormous　though　the　distance　was
between　what　he　wished　to　be　and　what　he　was；　nothing　appeared
insurmountable　to　the　newly…awakened　spiritual　being。

〃At　any　cost　I　will　break　this　lie　which　binds　me　and　confess
everything；　and　will　tell　everybody　the　truth；　and　act　the　truth；
〃he　said　resolutely；　aloud。　〃I　shall　tell　Missy　the　truth；　tell
her　I　am　a　profligate　and　cannot　marry　her；　and　have　only
uselessly　upset　her。　I　shall　tell　Mary　Vasilievna。　。　。　Oh；　there
is　nothing　to　tell　her。　I　shall　tell　her　husband　that　I；
scoundrel　that　I　am；　have　been　deceiving　him。　I　shall　dispose　of
the　inheritance　in　such　a　way　as　to　acknowledge　the　truth。　I
shall　tell　her；　Katusha；　that　I　am　a　scoundrel　and　have　sinned
towards　her；　and　will　do　all　I　can　to　ease　her　lot。　Yes；　I　will
see　her；　and　will　ask　her　to　forgive　me。

〃Yes；　I　will　beg　her　pardon；　as　children　do。〃　。　。　。　He
stopped…〃will　marry　her　if　necessary。〃　He　stopped　again；　folded
his　hands　in　front　of　his　breast　as　he　used　to　do　when　a　little
child；　lifted　his　eyes；　and　said；　addressing　some　one：　〃Lord；
help　me；　teach　me；　come　enter　within　me　and　purify　me　of　all　this
abomination。〃

He　prayed；　asking　God　to　help　him；　to　enter　into　him　and　cleanse
him；　and　what　he　was　praying　for　had　happened　already：　the　God
within　him　had　awakened　his　consciousness。　He　felt　himself　one
with　Him；　and　therefore　felt　not　only　the　freedom；　fulness　and
joy　of　life；　but　all　the　power　of　righteousness。　All；　all　the
best　that　a　man　could　do　he　felt　capable　of　doing。

His　eyes　filled　with　tears　as　he　was　saying　all　this　to　himself；
good　and　bad　tears：　good　because　they　were　tears　of　joy　at　the
awakening　of　the　spiritual　being　within　him；　the　being　which　had
been　asleep　all　these　years；　and　bad　tears　because　they　were
tears　of　tenderness　to　himself　at　his　own　goodness。

He　felt　hot；　and　went　to　the　window　and　opened　it。　The　window
opened　into　a　garden。　It　was　a　moonlit；　quiet；　fresh　night；　a
vehicle　rattled　past；　and　then　all　was　still。　The　shadow　of　a
tall　poplar　fell　on　the　ground　just　opposite　the　window；　and　all
the　intricate　pattern　of　its　bare　branches　was　clearly　defined　on
the　clean　swept　gravel。　To　the　left　the　roof　of　a　coach…house
shone　white　in　the　moonlight；　in　front　the　black　shadow　of　the
garden　wall　was　visible　through　the　tangled　branches　of　the
trees。

Nekhludoff　gazed　at　the　roof；　the　moonlit　garden；　and　the　shadows
of　the　poplar；　and　drank　in　the　fresh；　invigorating　air。

〃How　delightful；　how　delightful；　oh；　God；　how　delightful〃　he
said；　meaning　that　which　was　going　on　in　his　soul。


CHAPTER　XXIX。

MASLOVA　IN　PRISON。

Maslova　reached　her　cell　only　at　six　in　the　evening；　tired　and
footsore；　having；　unaccustomed　as　she　was　to　walking；　gone　10
miles　on　the　stony　road　that　day。　She　was　crushed　by　the
unexpectedly　severe　sentence　and　tormented　by　hunger。　During　the
first　interval　of　her　trial；　when　the　soldiers　were　eating　bread
and　hard…boiled　eggs　in　her　presence；　her　mouth　watered　and　she
realised　she　was　hungry；　but　considered　it　beneath　her　dignity　to
beg　of　them。　Three　hours　later　the　desire　to　eat　had　passed；　and
she　felt　only　weak。　It　was　then　she　received　the　unexpected
sentence。　At　first　she　thought　she　had　made　a　mistake；　she　could
not　imagine　herself　as　a　convict　in　Siberia；　and　could　not
believe　what　she　heard。　But　seeing　the　quiet；　business…like　faces
of　judges　and　jury；　who　heard　this　news　as　if　it　were　perfectly
natural　and　expected；　she　grew　indignant；　and　proclaimed　loudly
to　the　whole　Court　that　she　was　not　guilty。　Finding　that　her　cry
was　also　taken　as　something　natural　and　expected；　and　feeling
incapable　of　altering　matters；　she　was　horror…struck　and　began　to
weep　in　despair；　knowing　that　she　must　submit　to　the　cruel　and
surprising　injustice　that　had　been　done　her。　What　astonished　her
most　was　that　young　menor；　at　any　rate；　not　old　menthe　same
men　who　always　looked　so　approvingly　at　her　（one　of　them；　the
public　prosecutor；　she　had　seen　in　quite　a　different　humour）　had
condemned　her。　While　she　was　sitting　in　the　prisoners'　room
before　the　trial　and　during　the　intervals；　she　saw　these　men
looking　in　at　the　open　door　pretending　they　had　to　pass　there　on
some　business；　or　enter　the　room　and　gaze　on　her　with　approval。
And　then；　for　some　unknown　reason；　these　same　men　had　condemned
her　to　hard　labour；　though　she　was　innocent　of　the　charge　laid
against　her。　At　first　she　cried；　but　then　quieted　down　and　sat
perfectly　stunned　in　the　prisoners'　room；　waiting　to　be　led　back。
She　wanted　only　two　things　nowtobacco　and　strong　drink。　In　this
state　Botchkova　and　Kartinkin　found　her　when　they　were　led　into
the　same　room　after　being　sentenced。　Botchkova　began　at　once　to
scold　her；　and　call　her　a　〃convict。〃

〃Well！　What　have　you　gained？　justified　yourself；　have　you？　What
you　have　deserved；　that　you've　got。　Out　in　Siberia　you'll　give　up
your　finery；　no　fear！〃

Maslova　sat　with　her　hands　inside　her　sleeves；　hanging　her　head
and　looking　in　front　of　her　at　the　dirty　floor　without　moving；
only　saying：　〃I　don't　bother　you；　so　don't　you　bother　me。　I　don't
bother　you；　do　I？〃　she　repeated　this　several　times；　and　was
silent　again。　She　did　brighten　up　a　little　when　Botchkova　and
Kartinkin　were　led　away　and　an　attendant　brought　her　three
roubles。

〃Are　you　Maslova？〃　he　asked。　〃Here　you　are；　a　lady　sent　it　you；〃
he　said；　giving　her　the　money。

〃A　ladywhat　lady？〃

〃You　just　take　it。　I'm　not　going　to　talk　to　you。〃

This　money　was　sent　by　Kitaeva；　the　keeper　of　the　house　in　which
she　used　to　live。　As　she　was　leaving　the　court　she　turned　to　the
usher　with　the　question　whether　she　might　give　Maslova　a　little
money。　The　usher　said　she　might。　Having　got　permission；　she
removed　the　three…buttoned　Swedish　kid　glove　from　her　plump；
white　hand；　and　from　an　elegant　purse　brought　from　the　back　folds
of　her　silk　skirt　took　a　pile　of　coupons；　＇in　Russia　coupons　cut
off　interest…bearing　papers　are　often　used　as　money＇　just　cut
off　from　the　interest…bearing　papers　which　she　had　earned　in　her
establishment；　chose　one　worth　2　roubles　and　50　copecks；　added
two　20　and　one　10…copeck　coins；　and　gave　all　this　to　the　usher。
The　usher　called　an　attendant；　and　in　his　presence　gave　the
money。

〃Belease　to　giff　it　accurately；〃　said　Carolina　Albertovna
Kitaeva。

The　attendant　was　hurt　by　he