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a face illumined-第51部分

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family misunderstand and are wronging her; and I may have occasion

to go down on my knees myself; metaphorically; and ask her pardon

for my superior airs。〃



These and kindred other thoughts passed through his mind as he

slowly paced up and down a side piazza which he often sought when

he wished to be alone。  Stanton; having lost Miss Burton for the

evening; soon joined him; and threw himself dejectedly into a chair。



〃Van;〃 he said; 〃I used to be rather self…complacent。  I thought

I had learned to take life so philosophically that I should have a

good time as long as my health lasted。  But to…night I feel as if

life were a horribly heavy burden which I; an overladen jackass;

must carry for many a weary day。  How little we know what we are

and what is before us!  I've been a fool; I am a fool!〃



〃Well; Ik;〃 replied Van Berg with a shrug; 〃I imagine there is a

pair of us。  My reasonall that's decent in merefuses to regard

Sibley as the cause of your cousin's most evident distress。  For

heaven's sake don't confirm your words of this afternoon; or I shall

feel like taking the first train; in order to escape from the most

exasperating paradox that ever contradicted a man's senses。〃



〃Van; you are right。  I am mortified with myself beyond measure;

and I am bitterly ashamed that my aunt; her own mother; should

have so grossly misjudged her。  Sibley; no doubt; IS the occasion

of her trouble in part; for she seems fairly to writhe under the

false position in which he has placed her by leading every one to

associate her name with his; but I now believe that she loathes

and detests him more than you or I can。  Certainly no woman could

speak of a man in harsher or more scathing terms than she spoke

of him to…night。  Well; to sum up the whole miserable trough; by

taking her mother's view for granted; I made such a mess of it that

I doubt if she ever speaks civilly to either of us again。〃



〃Why! was my name mentioned?〃 asked Van Berg; quickly。



〃Yes; confound it all!  When things are going wrong there is a

miserable fatality about them; and the worst always happens。  She

asked me point…blank if you shared my estimate of her; and I suppose

got the impression you did。〃



〃Well really; Stanton;〃 said Van Berg; with some irritation; 〃I

think you must have been unfortunate in your language。〃



〃Worse than unfortunate。  The whole blunder is unpardonable。

Still; do me justice。  I could not answer her question with a bold

lie。  And what would have been its use?  How could you explain your

bearing towards her at the supper table?  Your manner would have

frozen Jezebel herself。〃



〃I was an infernal fool;〃 groaned Van Berg。



〃It is due to us both that I should say I told her you had tried

to form a good opinion of her; and very reluctantly received the

view her mother suggested。  I said; in effect; you wished to think

well of her; although she had treated you so badly。〃



〃Treated me badly!  I have treated her a thousandfold worse。  She;

at least; has never insulted me; and I can never forgive myself

for the insult I have offered her。



〃Well; I hope to find her in the mood to accept an apology in the

morning;〃 said Stanton。



〃I'm in a confoundedly awkward position to apologize;〃 growled

Van Berg。  〃Any reference to such an affair will be like another

insult;〃 and the friends parted in an unsatisfactory state of mind

towards each other; and especially towards themselves。



But that was a sad and memorable night to Ida Mayhew。  She felt

that it might be her last on earth; for her dark purpose was rapidly

taking definite form。



she was passing into that unhealthful condition of mental excitement;

in which the salutary restraints of the physical nature lose their

power。  In the place of drowsiness and weariness; she began to

experience an unnatural exaltation which would make any reckless

folly possible; if it took the guise of sublime and tragic action。



Few realize to what degree the mind can become warped and disordered;

even with a brief time; by trouble and the violation of the laws

of health; and some; by education and temperament; are peculiarly

predisposed to abnormal conditions。  Science has taught men how

to build ships with water…tight compartments; so that if disaster

crushes in on one side; the other parts may save from sinking。

There are fortunate people who are built on the same safe principle。

They have cultivated minds; and varied resources in artistic and

scientific pursuits。  Above all else; they may have faith in God and

a better life to come; such possessions are like the compartments

of a modern ship。  Few disasters can destroy them all; and in the

loss of one or more the soul is kept afloat by the others。



But it would seem that poor Ida's character had been constructed

with fatal simplicity; and when the cold waves of trouble rushed

in there was nothing to prevent her from sinking beneath them like

a stone。  Her mind was uncultivated; and art; science; literature

offered her as yet no resources; no pursuits。  She had a woman's

heart that might have been filled with sustaining love; but in its

place had come a sudden and icy flood of disappointment and despair。

She loved; with all the passion and simplicity of a narrow; yet

earnest nature; the man who had awakened the woman within her;

and he; she believed; would never give her aught in return; save

contempt。  She naturally thought that she had been degraded in his

estimation beyond all ordinary means of redemption; therefore; in

her desperation and despair; she was ready to take an extraordinary

method of compelling at least his respect。



Moreover; Ida was impatient and impetuous by nature。  She had a

large capacity for action; but little for endurance。  It would be

almost impossible for her to reach woman's loftiest heroism; and

sit 〃like Patience on a monument; smiling at grief。〃  It would be

her disposition rather to rush forward; and dash herself against an

adverse fate; meeting it even more than half way。  All the influences

of her life had tended to develop imperiousness; willfulness; and

now her impulse was to enter a protest against her hard lot that

was as passionate and reckless as it was impotent。



Apart from her supreme wish to fill Van Berg with regret; and awaken

in him something like respect; the thought of dragging on a wretched

existence through the indefinite years to come was intolerable。  The

color had utterly faded out of life; and left it bald and repulsive

to the last degree。



Fashionable dissipation promised her nothing。  She had often tasted

this; to the utmost limit of propriety; and was well aware that

the gay whirl had nothing new to offer; unless she plunged into

the mad excitement of a life which is as brief as it is vile。  It

was to her credit that death seemed preferable to this。  It was

largely due to her defective training and limited experience; that

a useful; innocent life; even though it promised to be devoid of

happiness; was so utterly repulsive that she was ready to throw it

away in impatient disgust。



As yet she was incapable of Jennie Burton's divine philosophy

of 〃pleasing not〃 herself。  he who 〃gave his life for others〃 was

but a name at the pronunciation of which; in the Service; she was

accustomed to bow profoundly; but to whom; in her heart; she had

never bowed or offered a genuine prayer。  Religion seemed to her a

sort of fashion which differed with the tastes of different people。

She was a practical atheist。



It is a fearful thing to permit a child to grow up ignorant of God;

and of the sacred principles of duty which should be inwrought in

the conscience; and enforced by the most vital considerations of

well…being; both for this world and the world to come。



But Ida Mayhew thought not of God or duty; but only of her thwarted;

unhappy life; from which she shrank weakly and selfishly; assuring

herself that she could not and would not endure it。  In her father

she saw only increasing humiliation; in her mother; one for whom

she had but little affection and less respect; and who would of

necessity irritate the wounds that time might slowly heal; could she

live in an atmosphere of delicate; unspoken sympathy; in herself;

one whom she now believed to be so ignorant and faulty that the man

she loved had turned away in disgust on finding her out。  If all

this were not bad enough; unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances;

even more than her own folly; had brought about a humiliation from

which she felt she could never recover。  In her blind; desperate

effort to hide her passion from the man she loved; she had made it

appear that she was infatuated with the man she loathed; and who

had shown himself such a contemptible villain that her association

with him was the scandal of the house。  If her own mother and

cousin could believe that she was ready to throw herself away for

the sake of such a wretch; what must the people of the hotel think?

What kind of a story would go abroad among her acquaintances in

the city?  She fairly cringed and writhed at the thought of it all。



It seemed to the tortured and morbidly excited girl that there was

but one way out of her troubles; and dark and dreadful as was that

path; she thought it could lead to nothing so painful as that from

which she would escape。



But after all; her chief incentive to the fatal act was the hope

of securing Van Berg's respect; and of implanting herself in his

heart as an undying memory; even though a sad and terrible one。

With her ideas of the fitness of things this would be a strong

temptation at best; but the present conditions of her life; as we

have seen; so far from restraining; added greatly to the temptation。



And; as has been said; while the act seemed a stern and dreadful

alternative to worse evils; it was not revolting to her。  She had

seen so many of her

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