a face illumined-第77部分

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〃Oh；　certainly；　if　you　think　it　worth　the　while　when　we　are　to　meet

so　soon　again。　　Oh！　you　hurt　me。　　You　did　that　once　before。〃



His　face　suddenly　became　grave　and　even　tender　in　its　expression；

as　he　said；　in　a　low；　deep　voice；　〃More　than　once；　Miss　Ida。　　Don't

think　I　forget　or　forgive　myself　because　you　treat　me　so　generously。〃



She　would　not　look　up　and　meet　his　eyes；　but　replied；　in　tones　that

trembled　with　repressed　feeling；　〃I　could　forgive　anything　after

your　manner　towards　father　this　morning。　　Never　think　I　can　forget

such　favors；〃　and　then　she　snatched　away　her　hand　and　went　swiftly

out。　　Her　tears　fell　fast　as　she　sought　her　home　by　quiet　streets

with　bowed　head　and　vail　drawn　tightly　down；　and　she　murmured：



〃I　cannot　give　him　upI　cannot；　indeed；　I　cannot。　　If　I　lose　him

it　must　be　because　there　is　no　help　for　it。〃



Then　conscience　uttered　its　low；　faint　protest　and　her　tears　fell

faster　still。



When　reaching　her　room　she　threw　herself　on　the　sofa　and　sobbed；

〃Would　it　be　so　very；　very　wrong　to　win　him　if　I　could？　she　can't

love　him　as　much　as　I　do。　　Why；　I　was　ready　to　die　even　to　win　his

respect；　and　now　in　these　visits　he　gives　me　a　chance　to　win　his

love。　　Is　he　pledged　to　Miss　Burton　yet？　　If　he　is；　I　do　not　know

it。　　He　does　seem　to　care　for　methere　is　often　something　in　his

face　and　tone　that　whispers　hope。　　If　he　loves　her　as　I　love　him

he　could　not　be　here　in　New　York　all　this　week。　　But　it's　her　love

that　troubles　meI've　seen　it　in　her　eyes　when　he　was　not　observing；

and　I　fear　she　just　worships　him。　　Alas；　he　gave　her　reason。　　His

manner　has　been　that　of　a　lover；　and　no　onehe　least　of　allwould

think　of　flirting　with　Jennie　Burton。　　But　does　he　lover　her　so

deeply　that　I　could　not　win　him　if　I　had　a　chance？　　Would　it　be　very

wicked　if　I　did？　　Must　I　give　up　my　happiness　for　her　happiness？

I　came　to　New　York　to　get　away　from　danger　and　temptation　and　here

I　am　right　in　the　midst　of　it。　　What　shall　I　do！　　Oh；　my　Saviour；

I'm　half　afraid　to　speak　to　thee　about　this。〃



〃If　I　could　only　see　Mr。　Eltinge；〃　she　murmured；　after　an

hour　of　distracted　thought　and　indecision。　　〃There　is　no　time　to

writeindeed；　I　could　not　write　on　such　a　subject；　andandI'm

afraid　he'd　advise　me　against　it。　　He　can't　understand　a　woman's

feelings　in　a　case　like　this；　at　least　he　could　not　understand　a

passionate；　faulty　girl　like　me。　　I've　no　patienceno　fortitude。

I　could　die　for　my　loveI　think；　I　hope；　I　could　for　my　faith；but

I　feel　no　power　within　me　to　endure　patiently　year　after　year。　　I

would　be　like　the　poor；　weak　women　they　shut　up　in　the　Inquisition

and　who　suffered　on　to　the　end　only　through　remorseless　compulsion；

because　the　walls　were　too　thick　for　escape；　and　the　tormentor's

hands　and　the　rack　were　irresistible。　　My　soul　would　succumb　as　well

as　my　body。　　This　would　seem　wild；　wicked　talk　to　Mr。　Eltinge；　it

would　seem　weak　and　irrational　to　any　man。　　But　I'm　only　Ida　Mayhew；

and　such　is　my　nature。　　I've　been　made　all　the　more　incapable　of

patient　self…sacrifice　by　self…indulgence　from　my　childhood　up。

Oh；　will　it　be　very；　very　wrong　to　win　him　if　I　can？〃　and　the

passionate　tears　and　sobs　that　followed　these　words　would　seem　to

indicate　that　she　understood　her　nature　only　too　well。



At　last　she　concluded；　in　weariness　and　exhaustion；　〃I'm　too　weak

and　distracted　to　think　any　more。　　I　hardly　know　whether　it's　right

or　wrong。　　I　hope　it　isn't　very　wrong。　　I　won't　decide　now。　　Let

matters　take　their　own　course　as　they　have　done　and　I　may　see

clearer　by　and　by。〃



But　deep　in　her　heart　she　felt　that　this　was　about　the　same　as

yielding　to　the　temptation。



She　bathed　her　eyes；　tried　to　think　how　she　could　spend　the

intervening　hours　before　they　would　meet　again。　　Then　with　a　sense

of　dismay　she　began　to　consider；　〃If　we　are　to　meet　so　often　what

are　we　to　talk　about？　　He　once　tried　to　converse　with　me　and　found

me　so　ignorant　he　couldn't。　　It　seemed　to　me　I　didn't　know　anything

that　evening；　and　he'll　soon　grow　disgusted　with　me　again　as　he　sees

my　poor　little　pack　of　knowledge　is　like　a　tramp's　bundle　that　he

carries　around　with　him。　　I　must　readI　must　study　every　moment；

or　I　haven't　the　remotest　chance　of　success。　　Success！　　Oh；　merciful

heaven！　it's　the　same　as　if　I　were　setting　about　it　all　deliberately

and　there's　no　use　of　deceiving　myself。　　I　hope　it　isn't　very；　very

wrong。〃



She　went　to　her　father's　library　with　flushed　cheeks　and　hesitating

steps；　as　if　it　were　the　tree　from　which　she　might　pluck　the　fruit

of　forbidden　knowledge。　　The　long　rows　of　ponderous　and　neglected

books　appalled　her；　she　took　down　two　or　three　and　they　seemed

like　unopened　mines；　deep　and　rocky。　　She　felt　instinctively　that

there　was　not　time　for　her　to　transmute　their　ores　into　graceful

and　natural　mental　adornments。



〃Methuselah　himself　couldn't　read　them　all；〃　she　exclaimed。　　〃By　the

powers！　if　here　isn't　more　books　than　I　can　carry；　on　one　subject。

I　suppose　cartloads　have　been　written　about　art。　　I've　no　doubt

he's　read　them　all；　but　I　never　can；　I　fear　my　attempt　to　read　up

is　like　trying　to　get　strong　by　eating　a　whole　ox　at　once。　　Oh；

why　did　I　waste　my　school…days；　and　indeed　all　my　life　as　I　have！〃

and　she　stamped　her　foot　in　her　impatience　and　irritation。



〃Well；〃　she　sighed　at　last；　with　a　grim　sort　of　humor；　〃I　must　do

the　best　I　can。　　It's　the　same　as　if　I　were　on　a　desert　island。　　I

must　tie　together　some　sort　of　a　raft　in　order　to　cross　the　gulf

that　separates　us；　for　I　never　can　stand　it　to　stay　here　alone。

Since　I　have　not　time　to　spare　I　may　as　well　commence　with　that

encyclopaedia；　and　learn　a　little　about　as　many　things　as　possible；

then　if　he　introduces　a　subject　he　shall　at　least　see　that　I　know

what　he　is　talking　about。〃　　And　during　the　afternoon　the　poor

girl　plodded　through　sever　articles；　often　recalling　her　wandering

thoughts　by　impatient　little　gestures；　and　by　the　time　her　father

returned　she　was　conscious　of　knowing　a　very　little　indeed　about　a

number　of　things。　　〃No　matter；〃　she　thought；　compressing　her　lips；

〃I　won't　give　up　till　I　must。　　It's　my　one　chance　for　happiness

in　this　world；　and　I'll　cling　to　it　while　there　is　a　shred　of　hope

left。〃



It　was　with　an　eager　and　resolute　face　that　she　confronted　her

father　that　evening；　as　they　sat　down　to　dinner。　　He　thought　she

would　descant　on　her　experiences　of　the　morning；　and　he　was　anxious

for　a　chance　to　say　how　truly　he　appreciated　Mr。　Van　Berg's　cordial

manner；　but　she　surprised　him　by　asking　abruptly：



〃Father；　when　do　we　elect　another　president？〃



He　told　her；　and　then　followed　a　rapid　fire　of　questions　about　the

general　and　state　government；　and　the　names　and　characters　of　the

men　who　held　the　chief　offices。　　At　last　Mr。　Mayhew　laid　down　his

knife　and　fork　in　his　astonishment；　and　asked　sententiously：



〃How　long　is　it　since　you　decided　to　go　into　politics？〃



Ida's　laugh　was　very　reassuring；　and　she　said；　〃Poor　father！　　I

don't　wonder　you　think　I've　lost　my　wits；　now　that　I'm　trying　to

use　the　few　I　have。　　Don't　you　see？　　I　don't　know　anything　that's

worth　knowing。　　I　wasted　my　time　at　school；　for　my　head　was　full

of　beaux；　dress；　and　nonsense。　　Besides；　I　don't　think　my　teachers

took　much　pains　to　make　me　understand　anything。　　At　any　rate；　my

dancing…master；　and　perhaps　my　music…teachera　little　bitare

the　only　ones　that　have　any　reason　to　be　proud　of　the　result。　　Now

I　want　you　to　brush　up　your　ideas　about　everything；　so　you　can

answer　the　endless　questions　I　am　going　to　ask　you。〃



〃Why　bless　you；　child；　you　take　away　my　breath。　　Rome　wasn't　built

in　a　day。〃



〃The　way　they　built　Rome　will　never　answer　for　me。　　I　must　grow　like

one　of　our　Western　cities　that　has　a　mayor　and　opera…house　almost

before　the　Indians　and　wolves　are　driven　out　of　town。　　Speaking　of

Rome　reminds　me　how　little　I　know　of　that　city；　and　it's　a　burning

shame；　too；　for　I　spent　a　month　there。〃



〃Well；〃　said　Mr。　Mayhew；　with　kindling　interest；　〃suppose　we　take

up　a　course　of　reading　about　Rome　for　the　winter。〃



〃For　the　winter！　　That　won't　do　at　all。　　Can't　you　tell　me　something

of　interest　about　Rome　this　evening？〃



〃I've　already　mentioned　the　interesting　factthat　it　wasn't　built

in　a　day。　　I　think　that's　the　most　important　thing　that　you　need

to　know　about　Rome　and　everything　else　this　evening。　　Why；　Ida；

you　can't　become　wise　as　an　ostrich　makes　its　supperby　swallowing

everything　that　comes　in　its　way。　　You　are　not　a　bit　like　an

ostrich。〃



〃An　ostrich　is　a　silly　bird　that　puts　its　head　under　the　sand　and

thins　its　whole　great　body　hidden　because　it　can't　see　itself；

isn't　it；　father？〃



〃I've　heard　that　story　told　of　it；〃　replied　Mr。　Mayhew；　laughing。



〃Anything　but　an　ostrich；　then。　　Come；　I'll　read　the　evening　paper

to　you　on　condition　you　tell　me　the　leading　questions　of　the　day。

What　is　just　now　the　leading　question　of　the　day？〃



〃Well；〃　said　Mr。　Mayhew；　demurely；　but　with　a　sparkle　of　humor

in　his　eye；　〃one　of　the　leading　questions　of　this　day　with　me　has

been　whether　Mr。　Van　Berg　would　not　enjoy　dining　with　us　to…morrow

evening　now　that　he　is　here　alone　in　the　city？〃



Ida　instantly　held　the　newspaper　before　her　crimson　face　and　said：



〃Father；　you　ought　to　be　ashamed　thus　to　divert　my　mind　from　the

pursuit　of　useful　knowledge。〃



Her　father　came　to　her　side　and　said　very　kindly：　　〃Ida；　darling；

you　are　a　little　bit　like　an　ostrich　now。〃



She　sprang　up；　and；　hiding　her　face　on　his　shoulder；　trembled　like

a　leaf。　　〃Oh；　father；〃　she　whispered；　〃I　would　not　have　him　know

for　the　world。　　Is　it　so　very　plain？〃



〃Not　to　him；　my　child；　but　the　eyes　of　a　love　like　mine　are　very

keen。　　So　you　needn't　be　on　your　guard　before　your　old　father　as

you　must　be　before　him　and　the　world。　　You　shall　have　only　rest　and

sympathy　at　home　as　far　as　I　can　give