all roads lead to calvary-第23部分
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e was far too busy to think of Birmingham。 She could have managed Brighton。 Argument founded on the length of journey to Birmingham as compared with the journey to Brighton she refused to be drawn into。 Her feelings had been too deeply wounded to permit of descent into detail。
But the sinner； confessing his fault； is entitled to forgiveness； and； having put him back into his proper place； she let him kiss her hand。 She even went further and let him ask her out to dinner。 As the result of her failure to reform Mrs。 Phillips she was feeling dissatisfied with herself。 It was an unpleasant sensation and somewhat new to her experience。 An evening spent in Arthur's company might do her good。 The experiment proved successful。 He really was quite a dear boy。 Eyeing him thoughtfully through the smoke of her cigarette； it occurred to her how like he was to Guido's painting of St。 Sebastian； those soft； dreamy eyes and that beautiful； almost feminine； face！ There always had been a suspicion of the saint about him even as a boy： nothing one could lay hold of： just that odd suggestion of a shadow intervening between him and the world。
It seemed a favourable opportunity to inform him of that fixed determination of hers： neverin all probabilityto marry： but to devote her life to her work。 She was feeling very kindly towards him； and was able to soften her decision with touches of gentle regret。 He did not appear in the least upset。 But 'thought' that her duty might demand； later on； that she should change her mind： that was if fate should offer her some noble marriage； giving her wider opportunity。
She was a little piqued at his unexpected attitude of aloofness。 What did he mean by a 〃noble marriage〃to a Duke； or something of that sort？
He did not think the candidature need be confined to Dukes； though he had no objection to a worthy Duke。 He meant any really great man who would help her and whom she could help。
She promised； somewhat shortly； to consider the matter； whenever the Duke； or other class of nobleman； should propose to her。 At present no sign of him had appeared above the horizon。 Her own idea was that； if she lived long enough； she would become a spinster。 Unless someone took pity on her when she was old and decrepit and past her work。
There was a little humorous smile about his mouth。 But his eyes were serious and pleading。
〃When shall I know that you are old and decrepit？〃 he asked。
She was not quite sure。 She thought it would be when her hair was greyor rather white。 She had been informed by experts that her peculiar shade of hair went white； not grey。
〃I shall ask you to marry me when your hair is white；〃 he said。 〃May I？〃
It did not suggest any overwhelming impatience。 〃Yes；〃 she answered。 〃In case you haven't married yourself； and forgotten all about me。〃
〃I shall keep you to your promise；〃 he said quite gravely。
She felt the time had come to speak seriously。 〃I want you to marry；〃 she said； 〃and be happy。 I shall be troubled if you don't。〃
He was looking at her with those shy； worshipping eyes of his that always made her marvel at her own wonderfulness。
〃It need not do that；〃 he answered。 〃It would be beautiful to be with you always so that I might serve you。 But I am quite happy； loving you。 Let me see you now and then： touch you and hear your voice。〃
Behind her drawn…down lids； she offered up a little prayer that she might always be worthy of his homage。 She didn't know it would make no difference to him。
She walked with him to Euston and saw him into the train。 He had given up his lodgings and was living with her father at The Pines。 They were busy on a plan for securing the co…operation of the workmen； and she promised to run down and hear all about it。 She would not change her mind about Birmingham； but sent everyone her love。
She wished she had gone when it came to Christmas Day。 This feeling of loneliness was growing upon her。 The Phillips had gone up north； and the Greysons to some relations of theirs： swell country people in Hampshire。 Flossie was on a sea voyage with Sam and his mother； and even Madge had been struck homesick。 It happened to be a Sunday； too； of all days in the week； and London in a drizzling rain was just about the limit。 She worked till late in the afternoon； but； sitting down to her solitary cup of tea； she felt she wanted to howl。 From the basement came faint sounds of laughter。 Her landlord and lady were entertaining guests。 If they had not been； she would have found some excuse for running down and talking to them； if only for a few minutes。
Suddenly the vision of old Chelsea Church rose up before her with its little motherly old pew…opener。 She had so often been meaning to go and see her again； but something had always interfered。 She hunted through her drawers and found a comparatively sober…coloured shawl； and tucked it under her cloak。 The service was just commencing when she reached the church。 Mary Stopperton showed her into a seat and evidently remembered her。 〃I want to see you afterwards；〃 she whispered； and Mary Stopperton had smiled and nodded。 The service； with its need for being continually upon the move； bored her； she was not in the mood for it。 And the sermon； preached by a young curate who had not yet got over his Oxford drawl； was uninteresting。 She had half hoped that the wheezy old clergyman； who had preached about Calvary on the evening she had first visited the church； would be there again。 She wondered what had become of him； and if it were really a fact that she had known him when she was a child； or only her fancy。 It was strange how vividly her memory of him seemed to pervade the little church。 She had the feeling he was watching her from the shadows。 She waited for Mary in the vestibule； and gave her the shawl； making her swear on the big key of the church door that she would wear it herself and not give it away。 The little old pew…opener's pink and white face flushed with delight as she took it； and the thin； work…worn hands fingered it admiringly。 〃But I may lend it？〃 she pleaded。
They turned up Church Street。 Joan confided to Mary what a rotten Christmas she had had； all by herself； without a soul to speak to except her landlady； who had brought her meals and had been in such haste to get away。
〃I don't know what made me think of you；〃 she said。 〃I'm so glad I did。〃 She gave the little old lady a hug。 Mary laughed。 〃Where are you going now； dearie？〃 she asked。
〃Oh； I don't mind so much now；〃 answered Joan。 〃Now that I've seen a friendly face； I shall go home and go to bed early。〃
They walked a little way in silence。 Mary slipped her hand into Joan's。 〃You wouldn't care to come home and have a bit of supper with me； would you； dearie？〃 she asked。
〃Oh； may I？〃 answered Joan。
Mary's hand gave Joan's a little squeeze。 〃You won't mind if anybody drops in？〃 she said。 〃They do sometimes of a Sunday evening。〃
〃You don't mean a party？〃 asked Joan。
〃No； dear；〃 answered Mary。 〃It's only one or two who have nowhere else to go。〃
Joan laughed。 She thought she would be a fit candidate。
〃You see； it makes company for me；〃 explained Mary。
Mary lived in a tiny house behind a strip of garden。 It stood in a narrow side street between two public…houses； and was covered with ivy。 It had two windows above and a window and a door below。 The upstairs rooms belonged to the churchwardens and were used as a storehouse for old parish registers； deemed of little value。 Mary Stopperton and her bedridden husband lived in the two rooms below。 Mary unlocked the door； and Joan passed in and waited。 Mary lit a candle that was standing on a bracket and turned to lead the way。
〃Shall I shut the door？〃 suggested Joan。
Mary blushed like a child that has been found out just as it was hoping that it had not been noticed。
〃It doesn't matter； dearie；〃 she explained。 〃They know； if they find it open； that I'm in。〃
The little room looked very cosy when Mary had made up the fire and lighted the lamp。 She seated Joan in the worn horsehair easy… chair； out of which one had to be careful one did not slip on to the floor； and spread her handsome shawl over the back of the dilapidated sofa。
〃You won't mind my running away for a minute；〃 she said。 〃I shall only be in the next room。〃
Through the thin partition； Joan heard a constant shrill； complaining voice。 At times； it rose into an angry growl。 Mary looked in at the door。
〃I'm just running round to the doctor's；〃 she whispered。 〃His medicine hasn't come。 I shan't be long。〃
Joan offered to go in and sit with the invalid。 But Mary feared the exertion of talking might be too much for him。 〃He gets so excited；〃 she explained。 She slipped out noiselessly。
It seemed； in spite of its open door； a very silent little house behind its strip of garden。 Joan had the feeling that it was listening。
Suddenly she heard a light step in the passage； and the room door opened。 A girl entered。 She was wearing a large black hat and a black boa round her neck。 Between them her face shone unnaturally white。 She carried a small cloth bag。 She started； on seeing Joan； and seemed about to retreat。
〃Oh； please don't go；〃 cried Joan。 〃Mrs。 Stopperton has just gone round to the doctor's。 She won't be long。 I'm a friend of hers。〃
The girl took stock of her and； apparently reassured； closed the door behind her。
〃What's he like to…night？〃 she asked； with a jerk of her head in the direction of the next room。 She placed her bag carefully upon the sofa； and examined the new shawl as she did so。
〃Well； I gather he's a little fretful；〃 answered Joan with a smile。
〃That's a bad sign；〃 said the girl。 〃Means he's feeling better。〃 She seated herself on the sofa and fingered the shawl。 〃Did you give it her？〃 she asked。
〃Yes；〃 admitted Joan。 〃I rather fancied her in it。〃
〃She'll only pawn it；〃 said the girl； 〃to buy him grapes and port wine。〃
〃I felt a bit afraid of her；〃 laughed Joan； 〃so I made her promise not to part with it。 Is he really very ill； her husband？〃
〃Oh； yes； there's no make…believe this time；〃 answered the girl。 〃A bad thing for her if he wasn't。〃
〃Oh； it's on
