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youth　were　therefore　one　Saltator；　who　taught　me　several　motions

for　my　legs；　and　one　Ficus；　whose　business　was　to　show　me　the

cleanest　way　（as　he　called　it）　of　cutting　off　a　man's　head。　　When

I　was　well　accomplished　in　these　sciences；　I　thought　nothing　more

wanting；　but　what　was　to　be　furnished　by　the　several　mechanics　in

Rome；　who　dealt　in　dressing　and　adorning　the　pope。　　Being

therefore　well　equipped　with　all　which　their　art　could　produce；　I

became　at　the　age　of　twenty　a　complete　finished　beau。　　And　now

during　forty…five　years　I　dressed；　I　sang　and　danced；　and　danced

and　sang；　I　bowed　and　ogled；　and　ogled　and　bowed；　till；　in　the

sixty…sixth　year　of　my　age；　I　got　cold　by　overheating　myself　with

dancing；　and　died。



〃Minos　told　me；　as　I　was　unworthy　of　Elysium；　so　I　was　too

insignificant　to　be　damned；　and　therefore　bade　me　walk　back

again。〃





CHAPTER　XIV



Adventures　in　the　person　of　a　monk。



〃Fortune　now　placed　me　in　the　character　of　a　younger　brother　of　a

good　house；　and　I　was　in　my　youth　sent　to　school；　but　learning

was　now　at　so　low　an　ebb；　that　my　master　himself　could　hardly

construe　a　sentence　of　Latin；　and　as　for　Greek；　he　could　not　read

it。　　With　very　little　knowledge　therefore；　and　with　altogether　as

little　virtue；　I　was　set　apart　for　the　church；　and　at　the　proper

age　commenced　monk。　　I　lived　many　years　retired　in　a　cell；　a　life

very　agreeable　to　the　gloominess　of　my　temper；　which　was　much

inclined　to　despise　the　world；　that　is；　in　other　words；　to　envy

all　men　of　superior　fortune　and　qualifications；　and　in　general　to

hate　and　detest　the　human　species。　　Notwithstanding　which；　I

could；　on　proper　occasions；　submit　to　flatter　the　vilest　fellow

in　nature；　which　I　did　one　Stephen；　an　eunuch；　a　favorite　of　the

emperor　Justinian　II；　one　of　the　wickedest　wretches　whom　perhaps

the　world　ever　saw。　　I　not　only　wrote　a　panegyric　on　this　man；

but　I　commended　him　as　a　pattern　to　all　others　in　my　sermons；　by

which　means　I　so　greatly　ingratiated　myself　with　him；　that　he

introduced　me　to　the　emperor's　presence；　where　I　prevailed　so　far

by　the　same　methods；　that　I　was　shortly　taken　from　my　cell；　and

preferred　to　a　place　at　court。　　I　was　no　sooner　established　in

the　favor　of　Justinian　than　I　prompted　him　to　all　kind　of

cruelty。　　As　I　was　of　a　sour　morose　temper；　and　hated　nothing

more　than　the　symptoms　of　happiness　appearing　in　any　countenance；

I　represented　all　kind　of　diversion　and　amusement　as　the　most

horrid　sins。　　I　inveighed　against　cheerfulness　as　levity；　and

encouraged　nothing　but　gravity；　or；　to　confess　the　truth　to　you；

hypocrisy。　　The　unhappy　emperor　followed　my　advice；　and　incensed

the　people　by　such　repeated　barbarities；　that　he　was　at　last

deposed　by　them　and　banished。



〃I　now　retired　again　to　my　cell　（for　historians　mistake　in　saying

I　was　put　to　death）；　where　I　remained　safe　from　the　danger　of　the

irritated　mob；　whom　I　cursed　in　my　own　heart　as　much　as　they

could　curse　me。



〃Justinian；　after　three　years　of　his　banishment；　returned　to

Constantinople　in　disguise；　and　paid　me　a　visit。　　I　at　first

affected　not　to　know　him；　and　without　the　least　compunction　of

gratitude　for　his　former　favors；　intended　not　to　receive　him；

till　a　thought　immediately　suggested　itself　to　me　how　I　might

convert　him　to　my　advantage；　I　pretended　to　recollect　him；　and；

blaming　the　shortness　of　my　memory　and　badness　of　my　eyes；　I

sprung　forward　and　embraced　him　with　great　affection。



〃My　design　was　to　betray　him　to　Apsimar；　who；　I　doubted　not；

would　generously　reward　such　a　service。　　I　therefore　very

earnestly　requested　him　to　spend　the　whole　evening　with　me；　to

which　he　consented。　　I　formed　an　excuse　for　leaving　him　a　few

minutes；　and　ran　away　to　the　palace　to　acquaint　Apsimar　with　the

guest　whom　I　had　then　in　my　cell。　　He　presently　ordered　a　guard

to　go　with　me　and　seize　him；　but；　whether　the　length　of　my　stay

gave　him　any　suspicion；　or　whether　he　changed　his　purpose　after

my　departure；　I　know　not；　for　at　my　return　we　found　he　had　given

us　the　slip；　nor　could　we　with　the　most　diligent　search　discover

him。



〃Apsimar；　being　disappointed　of　his　prey；　now　raged　at　me；　at

first　denouncing　the　most　dreadful　vengeance　if　I　did　not　produce

the　deposed　monarch。　　However；　by　soothing　his　passion　when　at

the　highest；　and　afterwards　by　canting　and　flattery；　I　made　a

shift　to　escape　his　fury。　　



〃When　Justinian　was　restored　I　very　confidently　went　to　wish　him

joy　of　his　restoration：　　but　it　seems　he　had　unfortunately　heard

of　my　treachery；　so　that　he　at　first　received　me　coldly；　and

afterwards　upbraided　me　openly　with　what　I　had　done。　　I

persevered　stoutly　in　denying　it；　as　I　knew　no　evidence　could　be

produced　against　me；　till；　finding　him　irreconcilable；　I　betook

myself　to　reviling　him　in　my　sermons；　and　on　every　other

occasion；　as　an　enemy　to　the　church　and　good　men；　and　as　an

infidel；　a　heretic；　an　atheist；　a　heathen；　and　an　Arian。　　This　I

did　immediately　on　his　return；　and　before　he　gave　　those　flagrant

proofs　of　his　inhumanity　which　afterwards　sufficiently　verified

all　I　had　said。



〃Luckily　I　died　on　the　same　day　when　a　great　number　of　those

forces　which　Justinian　had　sent　against　the　Thracian　Bosphorus；

and　who　had　executed　such　unheard…of　cruelties　there；　perished。　

As　every　one　of　these　was　cast　into　the　bottomless　pit；　Minos　was

so　tired　with　condemnation；　that　he　proclaimed　that　all　present

who　had　not　been　concerned　in　that　bloody　expedition　might；　if

they　pleased；　return　to　the　other　world。　　I　took　him　at　his　word；

and；　presently　turning　about；　began　my　journey。〃





CHAPTER　XV



Julian　passes　into　the　character　of　a　fiddler。



〃Rome　was　now　the　seat　of　my　nativity。　　My　mother　was　an　African；

a　woman　of　no　great　beauty；　but　a　favorite；　I　suppose　from　her

piety；　of　pope　Gregory　II。　　Who　was　my　father　I　know　not；　but　I

believe　no　very　considerable　man；　for　after　the　death　of　that

pope；　who　was；　out　of　his　religion；　a　very　good　friend　of　my

mother；　we　fell　into　great　distress；　and　were　at　length　reduced

to　walk　the　streets　of　Rome；　nor　had　either　of　us　any　other

support　but　a　fiddle；　on　which　I　played　with　pretty　tolerable

skill；　for；　as　my　genius　turned　naturally　to　music；　so　I　had　been

in　my　youth　very　early　instructed　at　the　expense　of　the　good

pope。　　This　afforded　us　but　a　very　poor　livelihood：　　for；　though

I　had　often　a　numerous　crowd　of　hearers；　few　ever　thought

themselves　obliged　to　contribute　the　smallest　pittance　to　the

poor　starving　wretch　who　had　given　them　pleasure。　　Nay；　some　of

the　graver　sort；　after　an　hour's　attention　to　my　music；　have　gone

away　shaking　their　heads；　and　crying　it　was　a　shame　such

vagabonds　were　suffered　to　stay　in　the　city。



〃To　say　the　truth；　I　am　confident　the　fiddle　would　not　have　kept

us　alive　had　we　entirely　depended　on　the　generosity　of　my

hearers。　　My　mother　therefore　was　forced　to　use　her　own　industry；

and　while　I　was　soothing　the　ears　of　the　crowd；　she　applied　to

their　pockets；　and　that　generally　with　such　good　success　that　we

now　began　to　enjoy　a　very　comfortable　subsistence；　and　indeed；

had　we　had　the　least　prudence　or　forecast；　might　have　soon

acquired　enough　to　enable　us　to　quit　this　dangerous　and

dishonorable　way　of　life：　　but　I　know　not　what　is　the　reason　that

money　got　with　labor　and　safety　is　constantly　preserved；　while

the　produce　of　danger　and　ease　is　commonly　spent　as　easily；　and

often　as　wickedly；　as　acquired。　　Thus　we　proportioned　our

expenses　rather　by　what　we　had　than　what　we　wanted　or　even

desired；　and　on　obtaining　a　considerable　booty　we　have　even

forced　nature　into　the　most　profligate　extravagance；　and　have

been　wicked　without　inclination。



〃We　carried　on　this　method　of　thievery　for　a　long　time　without

detection：　　but；　as　Fortune　generally　leaves　persons　of

extraordinary　ingenuity　in　the　lurch　at　last；　so　did　she　us；　for

my　poor　mother　was　taken　in　the　fact；　and；　together　with　myself；

as　her　accomplice；　hurried　before　a　magistrate。　　



〃Luckily　for　us；　the　person　who　was　to　be　our　judge　was　the

greatest　lover　of　music　in　the　whole　city；　and　had　often　sent　for

me　to　play　to　him；　for　which；　as　he　had　given　me　very　small

rewards；　perhaps　his　gratitude　now　moved　him：　　but；　whatever　was

his　motive；　he　browbeat　the　informers　against　us；　and　treated

their　evidence　with　so　little　favor；　that　their　mouths　were　soon

stopped；　and　we　dismissed　with　honor；　acquitted；　I　should　rather

have　it　said；　for　we　were　not　suffered　to　depart　till　I　had　given

the　judge　several　tunes　on　the　fiddle。



〃We　escaped　the　better　on　this　occasion　because　the　person　robbed

happened　to　be　a　poet；　which　gave　the　judge；　who　was　a　facetious

person；　many　opportunities　of　jesting。　　He　said　poets　and

musicians　should　agree　together；　seeing　they　had　married　sisters；

which　he　afterwards　explained　to　be　the　sister　arts。　　And　when

the　piece　of　gold　was　produced　he　burst　into　a　loud　laugh；　and

said　it　must　be　the　golden　age；　when　poets　had　gold　in　their

pockets；　and　in　that　age　there　could　be　no　robbers。　　He　made　many

more　jests　of　the　same　kind；　but　a　small　taste　will　suffice。



〃It　is　a　common　saying　that　men　should　take　warning　by　any　signal

delivery；　but　I　cannot　approve　the　justice　of　it；　for　to　me　it

seems　that　the　acquittal　of　a　guilty　person　should　rather　inspire

him　with　confidence；　and　it　had　this　effect　on　us：　　for　we　now

laughed　at　the　law；　and　despised　its　punishments；　which　we　found

were　to　be　escaped　even　against　positive　evidence。　　We　imagined

the　late　example　was　rather　a　warning　to　the　accuser　than　the

criminal；　and　accordingly　proceeded　in　the　most　impudent　and

flagitious　manner。



〃Among　other　robberies；　one　night；　being　admitted　by　the　servants

into　the　house　of　an　opulent　priest；　my　mother　took　an

opportunity；　whilst　the　servants　were　dancing　to　my　tunes；　to

convey　away　a　silver　vessel；　this　she　d