the new machiavelli-第31部分

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flaunted　quite　so　openly　in　my　face。



My　cousins　had　worked　it　out　from　the　indications　of　their　universe　

that　the　end　of　life　is　to　have　a　〃good　time。〃　　They　used　the　

phrase。　　That　and　the　drives　in　dog…carts　were　only　the　first　of　

endless　points　of　resemblance　between　them　and　the　commoner　sort　of　

American　girl。　　When　some　years　ago　I　paid　my　first　and　only　visit　

to　America　I　seemed　to　recover　my　cousins'　atmosphere　as　soon　as　I　

entered　the　train　at　Euston。　　There　were　three　girls　in　my　

compartment　supplied　with　huge　decorated　cases　of　sweets；　and　being　

seen　off　by　a　company　of　friends；　noisily　arch　and　eager　about　the　

〃steamer　letters〃　they　would　get　at　Liverpool；　they　were　the　very　

soul…sisters　of　my　cousins。　　The　chief　elements　of　a　good　time；　as　

my　cousins　judged　it；　as　these　countless　thousands　of　rich　young　

women　judge　it；　are　a　petty　eventfulness；　laughter；　and　to　feel　that　

you　are　looking　well　and　attracting　attention。　　Shopping　is　one　of　

its　leading　joys。　　You　buy　things；　clothes　and　trinkets　for　yourself　

and　presents　for　your　friends。　　Presents　always　seemed　to　be　flying　

about　in　that　circle；　flowers　and　boxes　of　sweets　were　common　

currency。　　My　cousins　were　always　getting　and　giving；　my　uncle　

caressed　them　with　parcels　and　cheques。　　They　kissed　him　and　he　

exuded　sovereigns　as　a　stroked　APHIS　exudes　honey。　　It　was　like　the　

new　language　of　the　Academy　of　Lagado　to　me；　and　I　never　learnt　how　

to　express　myself　in　it；　for　nature　and　training　make　me　feel　

encumbered　to　receive　presents　and　embarrassed　in　giving　them。　　But　

then；　like　my　father；　I　hate　and　distrust　possessions。



Of　the　quality　of　their　private　imagination　I　never　learnt　anything；　

I　suppose　it　followed　the　lines　of　the　fiction　they　read　and　was　

romantic　and　sentimental。　　So　far　as　marriage　went；　the　married　

state　seemed　at　once　very　attractive　and　dreadfully　serious　to　them；　

composed　in　equal　measure　of　becoming　important　and　becoming　old。　　I　

don't　know　what　they　thought　about　children。　　I　doubt　if　they　

thought　about　them　at　all。　　It　was　very　secret　if　they　did。



As　for　the　poor　and　dingy　people　all　about　them；　my　cousins　were　

always　ready　to　take　part　in　a　Charitable　Bazaar。　　They　were　unaware　

of　any　economic　correlation　of　their　own　prosperity　and　that　

circumambient　poverty；　and　they　knew　of　Trade　Unions　simply　as　

disagreeable　external　things　that　upset　my　uncle's　temper。　　They　

knew　of　nothing　wrong　in　social　life　at　all　except　that　there　were　

〃Agitators。〃　　It　surprised　them　a　little；　I　think；　that　Agitators　

were　not　more　drastically　put　down。　　But　they　had　a　sort　of　

instinctive　dread　of　social　discussion　as　of　something　that　might　

breach　the　happiness　of　their　ignorance。　。　。　。







5





My　cousins　did　more　than　illustrate　Marx　for　me；　they　also　undertook　

a　stage　of　my　emotional　education。　　Their　method　in　that　as　in　

everything　else　was　extremely　simple；　but　it　took　my　inexperience　by　

surprise。



It　must　have　been　on　my　third　visit　that　Sybil　took　me　in　hand。　　

Hitherto　I　seemed　to　have　seen　her　only　in　profile；　but　now　she　

became　almost　completely　full　face；　manifestly　regarded　me　with　

those　violet　eyes　of　hers。　　She　passed　me　things　I　needed　at　

breakfastit　was　the　first　morning　of　my　visitbefore　I　asked　for　

them。



When　young　men　are　looked　at　by　pretty　cousins；　they　become　

intensely　aware　of　those　cousins。　　　It　seemed　to　me　that　I　had　

always　admired　Sybil's　eyes　very　greatly；　and　that　there　was　

something　in　her　temperament　congenial　to　mine。　　It　was　odd　I　had　

not　noted　it　on　my　previous　visits。



We　walked　round　the　garden　somewhen　that　morning；　and　talked　about　

Cambridge。　　She　asked　quite　a　lot　of　questions　about　my　work　and　my　

ambitions。　　She　said　she　had　always　felt　sure　I　was　clever。



The　conversation　languished　a　little；　and　we　picked　some　flowers　for　

the　house。　　Then　she　asked　if　I　could　run。　　I　conceded　her　various　

starts　and　we　raced　up　and　down　the　middle　garden　path。　　　Then；　a　

little　breathless；　we　went　into　the　new　twenty…five　guinea　summer…

house　at　the　end　of　the　herbaceous　border。



We　sat　side　by　side；　pleasantly　hidden　from　the　house；　and　she　

became　anxious　about　her　hair；　which　was　slightly　and　prettily　

disarranged；　and　asked　me　to　help　her　with　the　adjustment　of　a　

hairpin。　　I　had　never　in　my　life　been　so　near　the　soft　curly　hair　

and　the　dainty　eyebrow　and　eyelid　and　warm　soft　cheek　of　a　girl；　and　

I　was　stirred



It　stirs　me　now　to　recall　it。



I　became　a　battleground　of　impulses　and　inhibitions。



〃Thank　you；〃　said　my　cousin；　and　moved　a　little　away　from　me。



She　began　to　talk　about　friendship；　and　lost　her　thread　and　forgot　

the　little　electric　stress　between　us　in　a　rather　meandering　

analysis　of　her　principal　girl　friends。



But　afterwards　she　resumed　her　purpose。



I　went　to　bed　that　night　with　one　propostion　overshadowing　

everything　else　in　my　mind；　namely；　that　kissing　my　cousin　Sybil　was　

a　difficult；　but　not　impossible；　achievement。　　I　do　not　recall　any　

shadow　of　a　doubt　whether　on　the　whole　it　was　worth　doing。　　The　

thing　had　come　into　my　existence；　disturbing　and　interrupting　its　

flow　exactly　as　a　fever　does。　　Sybil　had　infected　me　with　herself。



The　next　day　matters　came　to　a　crisis　in　the　little　upstairs　

sitting…room　which　had　been　assigned　me　as　a　study　during　my　visit。　　

I　was　working　up　there；　or　rather　trying　to　work　in　spite　of　the　

outrageous　capering　of　some　very　primitive　elements　in　my　brain；　

when　she　came　up　to　me；　under　a　transparent　pretext　of　looking　for　a　

book。



I　turned　round　and　then　got　up　at　the　sight　of　her。　　I　quite　forget　

what　our　conversation　was　about；　but　I　know　she　led　me　to　believe　I　

might　kiss　her。　　Then　when　I　attempted　to　do　so　she　averted　her　

face。



〃How　COULD　you？〃　she　said；　〃I　didn't　mean　that！〃



That　remained　the　state　of　our　relations　for　two　days。　　I　developed　

a　growing　irritation　with　and　resentment　against　cousin　Sybil；　

combined　with　an　intense　desire　to　get　that　kiss　for　which　I　

hungered　and　thirsted。　　Cousin　Sybil　went　about　in　the　happy　

persuasion　that　I　was　madly　in　love　with　her；　and　her　game；　so　far　

as　she　was　concerned；　was　played　and　won。　　It　wasn't　until　I　had　

fretted　for　two　days　that　I　realised　that　I　was　being　used　for　the　

commonest　form　of　excitement　possible　to　a　commonplace　girl；　that　

dozens　perhaps　of　young　men　had　played　the　part　of　Tantalus　at　

cousin　Sybil's　lips。　　I　walked　about　my　room　at　nights；　damning　her　

and　calling　her　by　terms　which　on　the　whole　she　rather　deserved；　

while　Sybil　went　to　sleep　pitying　〃poor　old　Dick！〃



〃Damn　it！〃　I　said；　〃I　WILL　be　equal　with　you。〃



But　I　never　did　equalise　the　disadvantage；　and　perhaps　it's　as　well；　

for　I　fancy　that　sort　of　revenge　cuts　both　people　too　much　for　a　

rational　man　to　seek　it。　。　。　。　　　



〃Why　are　men　so　silly？〃　said　cousin　Sybil　next　morning；　wriggling　

back　with　down…bent　head　to　release　herself　from　what　should　have　

been　a　compelling　embrace。



〃Confound　it！〃　I　said　with　a　flash　of　clear　vision。　　〃You　STARTED　

this　game。〃



〃Oh！〃



She　stood　back　against　a　hedge　of　roses；　a　little　flushed　and　

excited　and　interested；　and　ready　for　the　delightful　defensive　if　I　

should　renew　my　attack。



〃Beastly　hot　for　scuffling；〃　I　said；　white　with　anger。　　〃I　don't　

know　whether　I'm　so　keen　on　kissing　you；　Sybil；　after　all。　　I　just　

thought　you　wanted　me　to。〃



I　could　have　whipped　her；　and　my　voice　stung　more　than　my　words。



Our　eyes　met；　a　real　hatred　in　hers　leaping　up　to　meet　mine。



〃Let's　play　tennis；〃　I　said；　after　a　moment's　pause。



〃No；〃　she　answered　shortly；　〃I'm　going　indoors。〃



〃Very　well。〃



And　that　ended　the　affair　with　Sybil。



I　was　still　in　the　full　glare　of　this　disillusionment　when　Gertrude　

awoke　from　some　preoccupation　to　an　interest　in　my　existence。　　She　

developed　a　disposition　to　touch　my　hand　by　accident；　and　let　her　

fingers　rest　in　contact　with　it　for　a　moment；she　had　pleasant　soft　

hands；she　began　to　drift　into　summer　houses　with　me；　to　let　her　

arm　rest　trustfully　against　mine；　to　ask　questions　about　Cambridge。　　

They　were　much　the　same　questions　that　Sybil　had　asked。　　But　I　

controlled　myself　and　maintained　a　profile　of　intelligent　and　

entirely　civil　indifference　to　her　blandishments。



What　Gertrude　made　of　it　came　out　one　evening　in　some　talkI　forget　

about　whatwith　Sybil。



〃Oh；　Dick！〃　said　Gertrude　a　little　impatiently；　〃Dick's　Pi。〃



And　I　never　disillusioned　her　by　any　subsequent　levity　from　this　

theory　of　my　innate　and　virginal　piety。







6





It　was　against　this　harsh　and　crude　Staffordshire　background　that　I　

think　I　must　have　seen　Margaret　for　the　first　time。　　I　say　I　think　

because　it　is　quite　possible　that　we　had　passed　each　other　in　the　

streets　of　Cambridge；　no　doubt　with　that　affectation　of　mutual　

disregard　which　was　once　customary　between　undergraduates　and　

Newnham　girls。　　But　if　that　was　so　I　had　noted　nothing　of　the　

slender　graciousness　that　shone　out　so　pleasingly　against　the　

bleaker　midland　surroundings。



She　was　a　younger　schoolfellow　of　my　cousins'；　and　the　step…daughter　

of　Seddon；　a　prominent　solicitor　of　Burslem。　　She　was　not　only　not　

in　my　cousins'　generation　but　not　in　their　set；　she　was　one　of　a　

small　hardworking　group　who　kept　immaculate　note…books；　and　did　as　

much　as　is　humanly　possible　of　that　insensate　pile　of　written　work　

that　the　Girls'　Public　School　movement　has　inflicted　upon　school…

girls。　　She　really　learnt　French　and　German　admirably　and　

thoroughly；　she　got　as　far　in　mathematics　as　an　unflinching　industry　

can　carry　any　one　with　no　great　natural　aptitude；　and　she　went　up　to　

Bennett　Hall；　Newnham；　after　the　usual　conflict　with　her　family；　to　

work　for　the　History　Tripos。



There　in　her　thi