the new machiavelli-第79部分

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4





I　was　driven　to　tell　Margaret　about　our　situation　by　my　intolerable　

dread　that　otherwise　the　thing　might　come　to　her　through　some　stupid　

and　clumsy　informant。　　She　might　even　meet　Altiora；　and　have　it　from　

her。



I　can　still　recall　the　feeling　of　sitting　at　my　desk　that　night　in　

that　large　study　of　mine　in　Radnor　Square；　waiting　for　Margaret　to　

come　home。　　It　was　oddly　like　the　feeling　of　a　dentist's　reception…

room；　only　it　was　for　me　to　do　the　dentistry　with　clumsy；　cruel　

hands。　　I　had　left　the　door　open　so　that　she　would　come　in　to　me。



I　heard　her　silken　rustle　on　the　stairs　at　last；　and　then　she　was　in　

the　doorway。　　〃May　I　come　in？〃　she　said。



〃Do；〃　I　said；　and　turned　round　to　her。



〃Working？〃　she　said。



〃Hard；〃　I　answered。　　〃Where　have　YOU　been？〃



〃At　the　Vallerys'。　　Mr。　Evesham　was　talking　about　you。　　They　were　

all　talking。　　I　don't　think　everybody　knew　who　I　was。　　Just　Mrs。　

Mumble　I'd　been　to　them。　　Lord　Wardenham　doesn't　like　you。〃



〃He　doesn't。〃



〃But　they　all　feel　you're　rather　big；　anyhow。　　Then　I　went　on　to　

Park　Lane　to　hear　a　new　pianist　and　some　other　music　at　Eva's。〃



〃Yes。〃



〃Then　I　looked　in　at　the　Brabants'　for　some　midnight　tea　before　I　

came　on　here。　　They'd　got　some　writersand　Grant　was　there。〃



〃You　HAVE　been　flying　round。　。　。　。〃



There　was　a　little　pause　between　us。



I　looked　at　her　pretty；　unsuspecting　face；　and　at　the　slender　grace　

of　her　golden…robed　body。　　What　gulfs　there　were　between　us！　　

〃You've　been　amused；〃　I　said。



〃It's　been　amusing。　　You've　been　at　the　House？〃



〃The　Medical　Education　Bill　kept　me。〃　。　。　。



After　all；　why　should　I　tell　her？　　She'd　got　to　a　way　of　living　that　

fulfilled　her　requirements。　　Perhaps　she'd　never　hear。　　But　all　that　

day　and　the　day　before　I'd　been　making　up　my　mind　to　do　the　thing。



〃I　want　to　tell　you　something；〃　I　said。　　〃I　wish　you'd　sit　down　for　

a　moment　or　so。〃　。　。　。



Once　I　had　begun；　it　seemed　to　me　I　had　to　go　through　with　it。



Something　in　the　quality　of　my　voice　gave　her　an　intimation　of　

unusual　gravity。　　She　looked　at　me　steadily　for　a　moment　and　sat　

down　slowly　in　my　armchair。



〃What　is　it？〃　she　said。



I　went　on　awkwardly。　　〃I've　got　to　tell　yousomething　

extraordinarily　distressing；〃　I　said。



She　was　manifestly　altogether　unaware。



〃There　seems　to　be　a　good　deal　of　scandal　abroadI've　only　recently　

heard　of　itabout　myselfand　Isabel。〃



〃Isabel！〃



I　nodded。



〃What　do　they　say？〃　she　asked。



It　was　difficult；　I　found；　to　speak。



〃They　say　she's　my　mistress。〃



〃Oh！　　How　abominable！〃



She　spoke　with　the　most　natural　indignation。　　Our　eyes　met。



〃We've　been　great　friends；〃　I　said。



〃Yes。　　And　to　make　THAT　of　it。　　My　poor　dear！　　But　how　can　they？〃　　

She　paused　and　looked　at　me。　　It's　so　incredible。　　How　can　any　one　

believe　it？　　I　couldn't。〃



She　stopped；　with　her　distressed　eyes　regarding　me。　　Her　expression　

changed　to　dread。　　There　was　a　tense　stillness　for　a　second；　

perhaps。



I　turned　my　face　towards　the　desk；　and　took　up　and　dropped　a　handful　

of　paper　fasteners。



〃Margaret；〃　I　said；　〃　I'm　afraid　you'll　have　to　believe　it。〃







5





Margaret　sat　very　still。　　When　I　looked　at　her　again；　her　face　was　

very　white；　and　her　distressed　eyes　scrutinised　me。　　Her　lips　

quivered　as　she　spoke。　　〃You　really　meanTHAT？〃　she　said。



I　nodded。



〃I　never　dreamt。〃



〃I　never　meant　you　to　dream。〃



〃And　that　is　whywe've　been　apart？〃



I　thought。　　〃I　suppose　it　is。〃



〃Why　have　you　told　me　now？〃



〃Those　rumours。　　I　didn't　want　any　one　else　to　tell　you。〃



〃Or　else　it　wouldn't　have　mattered？〃



〃No。〃



She　turned　her　eyes　from　me　to　the　fire。　　Then　for　a　moment　she　

looked　about　the　room　she　had　made　for　me；　and　then　quite　silently；　

with　a　childish　quivering　of　her　lips；　with　a　sort　of　dismayed　

distress　upon　her　face；　she　was　weeping。　　She　sat　weeping　in　her　

dress　of　cloth　of　gold；　with　her　bare　slender　arms　dropped　limp　over　

the　arms　of　her　chair；　and　her　eyes　averted　from　me；　making　no　

effort　to　stay　or　staunch　her　tears。　　〃I　am　sorry；　Margaret；〃　I　

said。　　〃I　was　in　love。　。　。　。　　I　did　not　understand。　。　。　。〃



Presently　she　asked：　〃What　are　you　going　to　do？〃



〃You　see；　Margaret；　now　it's　come　to　be　your　affairI　want　to　know　

what　youwhat　you　want。〃



〃You　want　to　leave　me？〃



〃If　you　want　me　to；　I　must。〃



〃Leave　Parliamentleave　all　the　things　you　are　doing；all　this　

fine　movement　of　yours？〃



〃No。〃　I　spoke　sullenly。　　〃I　don't　want　to　leave　anything。　　I　want　to　

stay　on。　　I've　told　you；　because　I　think　weIsabel　and　I；　I　mean

have　got　to　drive　through　a　storm　of　scandal　anyhow。　　I　don't　know　

how　far　things　may　go；　how　much　people　may　feel；　and　I　can't；　I　

can't　have　you　unconscious；　unarmed；　open　to　any　revelation〃



She　made　no　answer。



〃When　the　thing　beganI　knew　it　was　stupid　but　I　thought　it　was　a　

thing　that　wouldn't　change；　wouldn't　be　anything　but　itself；　

wouldn't　unfoldconsequences。　。　。　。　　People　have　got　hold　of　these　

vague　rumours。　。　。　。　　Directly　it　reached　any　one　else　butbut　us　

twoI　saw　it　had　to　come　to　you。〃



I　stopped。　　I　had　that　distressful　feeling　I　have　always　had　with　

Margaret；　of　not　being　altogether　sure　she　heard；　of　being　doubtful　

if　she　understood。　　I　perceived　that　once　again　I　had　struck　at　her　

and　shattered　a　thousand　unsubstantial　pinnacles。　　And　I　couldn't　

get　at　her；　to　help　her；　or　touch　her　mind！　　I　stood　up；　and　at　my　

movement　she　moved。　　She　produced　a　dainty　little　handkerchief；　and　

made　an　effort　to　wipe　her　face　with　it；　and　held　it　to　her　eyes。　　

〃Oh；　my　Husband！〃　she　sobbed。



〃What　do　you　mean　to　do？〃　she　said；　with　her　voice　muffled　by　her　

handkerchief。



〃We're　going　to　end　it；〃　I　said。



Something　gripped　me　tormentingly　as　I　said　that。　　I　drew　a　chair　

beside　her　and　sat　down。　　〃You　and　I；　Margaret；　have　been　partners；〃　

I　began。　　〃We've　built　up　this　life　of　ours　together；　I　couldn't　

have　done　it　without　you。　　We've　made　a　position；　created　a　work〃



She　shook　her　head。　　〃You；〃　she　said。



〃You　helping。　　I　don't　want　to　shatter　itif　you　don't　want　it　

shattered。　　I　can't　leave　my　work。　　I　can't　leave　you。　　I　want　you　

to　haveall　that　you　have　ever　had。　　I've　never　meant　to　rob　you。　　

I've　made　an　immense　and　tragic　blunder。　　You　don't　know　how　things　

took　us；　how　different　they　seemed！　　My　character　and　accident　have　

conspiredWe'll　payin　ourselves；　not　in　our　public　service。〃



I　halted　again。　　Margaret　remained　very　still。



〃I　want　you　to　understand　that　the　thing　is　at　an　end。　　It　is　

definitely　at　an　end。　　Wewe　talkedyesterday。　　We　mean　to　end　it　

altogether。〃　I　clenched　my　hands。　　〃She'sshe's　going　to　marry　

Arnold　Shoesmith。〃



I　wasn't　looking　now　at　Margaret　any　more；　but　I　heard　the　rustle　of　

her　movement　as　she　turned　on　me。



〃It's　all　right；〃　I　said；　clinging　to　my　explanation。　　〃We're　doing　

nothing　shabby。　　He　knows。　　He　will。　　It's　all　as　rightas　things　

can　be　now。　　We're　not　cheating　any　one；　Margaret。　　We're　doing　

things　straightnow。　　Of　course；　you　know。　。　。　。　　We　shallwe　

shall　have　to　make　sacrifices。　　Give　things　up　pretty　completely。　　

Very　completely。　。　。　。　　We　shall　have　not　to　see　each　other　for　a　

time；　you　know。　　Perhaps　not　a　long　time。　　Two　or　three　years。　　Or　

writeor　just　any　of　that　sort　of　thing　ever〃



Some　subconscious　barrier　gave　way　in　me。　　I　found　myself　crying　

uncontrollablyas　I　have　never　cried　since　I　was　a　little　child。　　I　

was　amazed　and　horrified　at　myself。　　And　wonderfully；　Margaret　was　

on　her　knees　beside　me；　with　her　arms　about　me；　mingling　her　weeping　

with　mine。　　〃Oh；　my　Husband！〃　she　cried；　my　poor　Husband！　　Does　it　

hurt　you　so？　　I　would　do　anything！　　Oh；　the　fool　I　am！　　Dear；　I　love　

you。　　I　love　you　over　and　away　and　above　all　these　jealous　little　

things！〃



She　drew　down　my　head　to　her　as　a　mother　might　draw　down　the　head　of　

a　son。　　She　caressed　me；　weeping　bitterly　with　me。　　〃Oh！　my　dear；〃　

she　sobbed；　〃my　dear！　　I've　never　seen　you　cry！　　I've　never　seen　you　

cry。　　Ever！　　I　didn't　know　you　could。　　Oh！　my　dear！　　Can't　you　have　

her；　my　dear；　if　you　want　her？　　I　can't　bear　it！　　Let　me　help　you；　

dear。　　Oh！　my　Husband！　　My　Man！　　I　can't　bear　to　have　you　cry！〃　　For　

a　time　she　held　me　in　silence。



〃I've　thought　this　might　happen；　I　dreamt　it　might　happen。　　You　two；　

I　mean。　　It　was　dreaming　put　it　into　my　head。　　When　I've　seen　you　

together；　so　glad　with　each　other。　。　。　。　　Oh！　　Husband　mine；　believe　

me！　believe　me！　　I'm　stupid；　I'm　cold；　I'm　only　beginning　to　realise　

how　stupid　and　cold；　but　all　I　want　in　all　the　world　is　to　give　my　

life　to　you。〃　。　。　。







6





〃We　can't　part　in　a　room；〃　said　Isabel。



〃We'll　have　one　last　talk　together；〃　I　said；　and　planned　that　we　

should　meet　for　a　half　a　day　between　Dover　and　Walmer　and　talk　

ourselves　out。　　I　still　recall　that　day　very　well；　recall　even　the　

curious　exaltation　of　grief　that　made　our　mental　atmosphere　

distinctive　and　memorable。　　We　had　seen　so　much　of　one　another；　had　

become　so　intimate；　that　we　talked　of　parting　even　as　we　parted　with　

a　sense　of　incredible　remoteness。　　We　went　together　up　over　the　

cliffs；　and　to　a　place　where　they　fall　towards　the　sea；　past　the　

white；　quaint…lanterned　lighthouses　of　the　South　Foreland。　　There；　

in　a　kind　of　niche　below　the　crest；　we　sat　talking。　　It　was　a　

spacious　day；　serenely　blue　and　warm；　and　on　the　wrinkled　water　

remotely　below　a　black　tender　and　six　hooded　submarines　came　

presently；　and　engaged　in　mysterious　manoeuvers。　　Shrieking　gulls　

and　chattering　jackdaws　circled　over　us　and　below　us；　and　dived　and　

swooped；　and　a　skerry　of　weedy；　fallen　chalk　appeared；　and　gradually　

disappeared　again；　as　the　tide　fe