the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第15部分

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men　of　feeble　mind；　he　listens　too　readily　to　his　inferiors。　If　I　left
the　house　not　a　servant　would　be　in　it　in　a　week's　time。　So　you　see　I
am　attached　to　Clochegourde　as　those　leaden　finals　are　to　our　roof。　I
have　no　reserves　with　you。　The　whole　country…side　is　still　ignorant　of
the　secrets　of　this　house；　but　you　know　them；　you　have　seen　them。　Say
nothing　but　what　is　kind　and　friendly；　and　you　shall　have　my　esteem
my　gratitude；〃　she　added　in　a　softer　voice。　〃On　those　terms　you　are
welcome　at　Clochegourde；　where　you　will　find　friends。〃

〃Ah！〃　I　exclaimed；　〃I　see　that　I　have　never　really　suffered；　while
you〃

〃No；　no！〃　she　exclaimed；　with　a　smile；　that　smile　of　all　resigned
women　which　might　melt　a　granite　rock。　〃Do　not　be　astonished　at　my
frank　confidence；　it　shows　you　life　as　it　is；　not　as　your　imagination
pictures　it。　We　all　have　our　defects　and　our　good　qualities。　If　I　had
married　a　spendthrift　he　would　have　ruined　me。　If　I　had　given　myself
to　an　ardent　and　pleasure…loving　young　man；　perhaps　I　could　not　have
retained　him；　he　might　have　left　me；　and　I　should　have　died　of
jealousy。　For　I　am　jealous！〃　she　said；　in　a　tone　of　excitement；　which
was　like　the　thunderclap　of　a　passing　storm。　〃But　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf
loves　me　as　much　as　he　is　capable　of　loving；　all　that　his　heart
contains　of　affection　he　pours　at　my　feet；　like　the　Magdalen's　cup　of
ointment。　Believe　me；　a　life　of　love　is　an　exception　to　the　laws　of
this　earth；　all　flowers　fade；　great　joys　and　emotions　have　a　morrow　of
evilif　a　morrow　at　all。　Real　life　is　a　life　of　anguish；　its　image　is
in　that　nettle　growing　there　at　the　foot　of　the　wall；no　sun　can
reach　it　and　it　keeps　green。　Yet；　here；　as　in　parts　of　the　North；
there　are　smiles　in　the　sky；　few　to　be　sure；　but　they　compensate　for
many　a　grief。　Moreover；　women　who　are　naturally　mothers　live　and　love
far　more　through　sacrifices　than　through　pleasures。　Here　I　draw　upon
myself　the　storms　I　fear　may　break　upon　my　children　or　my　people；　and
in　doing　so　I　feel　a　something　I　cannot　explain；　which　gives　me　secret
courage。　The　resignation　of　the　night　carries　me　through　the　day　that
follows。　God　does　not　leave　me　comfortless。　Time　was　when　the
condition　of　my　children　filled　me　with　despair；　to…day　as　they
advance　in　life　they　grow　healthier　and　stronger。　And　then；　after　all；
our　home　is　improved　and　beautified；　our　means　are　improving　also。　Who
knows　but　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf's　old　age　may　be　a　blessing　to　me？　Ah；
believe　me！　those　who　stand　before　the　Great　Judge　with　palms　in　their
hands；　leading　comforted　to　Him　the　beings　who　cursed　their　lives；
they；　they　have　turned　their　sorrows　into　joy。　If　my　sufferings　bring
about　the　happiness　of　my　family；　are　they　sufferings　at　all？〃

〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃they　are；　but　they　were　necessary；　as　mine　have　been；
to　make　us　understand　the　true　flavor　of　the　fruit　that　has　ripened　on
our　rocks。　Now；　surely；　we　shall　taste　it　together；　surely　we　may
admire　its　wonders；　the　sweetness　of　affection　it　has　poured　into　our
souls；　that　inward　sap　which　revives　the　searing　leavesGood　God！　do
you　not　understand　me？〃　I　cried；　falling　into　the　mystical　language　to
which　our　religious　training　had　accustomed　us。　〃See　the　paths　by
which　we　have　approached　each　other；　what　magnet　led　us　through　that
ocean　of　bitterness　to　these　springs　of　running　water；　flowing　at　the
foot　of　those　hills　above　the　shining　sands　and　between　their　green
and　flowery　meadows？　Have　we　not　followed　the　same　star？　We　stand
before　the　cradle　of　a　divine　child　whose　joyous　carol　will　renew　the
world　for　us；　teach　us　through　happiness　a　love　of　life；　give　to　our
nights　their　long…lost　sleep；　and　to　the　days　their　gladness。　What
hand　is　this　that　year　by　year　has　tied　new　cords　between　us？　Are　we
not　more　than　brother　and　sister？　That　which　heaven　has　joined　we　must
not　keep　asunder。　The　sufferings　you　reveal　are　the　seeds　scattered　by
the　sower　for　the　harvest　already　ripening　in　the　sunshine。　Shall　we
not　gather　it　sheaf　by　sheaf？　What　strength　is　in　me　that　I　dare
address　you　thus！　Answer；　or　I　will　never　again　recross　that　river！〃

〃You　have　spared　me　the　word　LOVE；〃　she　said；　in　a　stern　voice；　〃but
you　have　spoken　of　a　sentiment　of　which　I　know　nothing　and　which　is
not　permitted　to　me。　You　are　a　child；　and　again　I　pardon　you；　but　for
the　last　time。　Endeavor　to　understand；　Monsieur；　that　my　heart　is；　as
it　were；　intoxicated　with　motherhood。　I　love　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf
neither　from　social　duty　nor　from　a　calculated　desire　to　win　eternal
blessings；　but　from　an　irresistible　feeling　which　fastens　all　the
fibres　of　my　heart　upon　him。　Was　my　marriage　a　mistake？　My　sympathy
for　misfortune　led　to　it。　It　is　the　part　of　women　to　heal　the　woes
caused　by　the　march　of　events；　to　comfort　those　who　rush　into　the
breach　and　return　wounded。　How　shall　I　make　you　understand　me？　I　have
felt　a　selfish　pleasure　in　seeing　that　you　amused　him；　is　not　that
pure　motherhood？　Did　I　not　make　you　see　by　what　I　owned　just　now；　the
THREE　children　to　whom　I　am　bound；　to　whom　I　shall　never　fail；　on　whom
I　strive　to　shed　a　healing　dew　and　the　light　of　my　own　soul　without
withdrawing　or　adulterating　a　single　particle？　Do　not　embitter　the
mother's　milk！　though　as　a　wife　I　am　invulnerable；　you　must　never
again　speak　thus　to　me。　If　you　do　not　respect　this　command；　simple　as
it　is；　the　door　of　this　house　will　be　closed　to　you。　I　believed　in
pure　friendship；　in　a　voluntary　brotherhood；　more　real；　I　thought；
than　the　brotherhood　of　blood。　I　was　mistaken。　I　wanted　a　friend　who
was　not　a　judge；　a　friend　who　would　listen　to　me　in　those　moments　of
weakness　when　reproof　is　killing；　a　sacred　friend　from　whom　I　should
have　nothing　to　fear。　Youth　is　noble；　truthful；　capable　of　sacrifice；
disinterested；　seeing　your　persistency　in　coming　to　us；　I　believed；
yes；　I　will　admit　that　I　believed　in　some　divine　purpose；　I　thought　I
should　find　a　soul　that　would　be　mine；　as　the　priest　is　the　soul　of
all；　a　heart　in　which　to　pour　my　troubles　when　they　deluged　mine；　a
friend　to　hear　my　cries　when　if　I　continued　to　smother　them　they　would
strangle　me。　Could　I　but　have　this　friend；　my　life；　so　precious　to
these　children；　might　be　prolonged　until　Jacques　had　grown　to　manhood。
But　that　is　selfish！　The　Laura　of　Petrarch　cannot　be　lived　again。　I
must　die　at　my　post；　like　a　soldier；　friendless。　My　confessor　is
harsh；　austere；　andmy　aunt　is　dead。〃

Two　large　tears　filled　her　eyes；　gleamed　in　the　moonlight；　and　rolled
down　her　cheeks；　but　I　stretched　my　hand　in　time　to　catch　them；　and　I
drank　them　with　an　avidity　excited　by　her　words；　by　the　thought　of
those　ten　years　of　secret　woe；　of　wasted　feelings；　of　constant　care；
of　ceaseless　dreadyears　of　the　lofty　heroism　of　her　sex。　She　looked
at　me　with　gentle　stupefaction。

〃It　is　the　first　communion　of　love；〃　I　said。　〃Yes；　I　am　now　a　sharer
of　your　sorrows。　I　am　united　to　your　soul　as　our　souls　are　united　to
Christ　in　the　sacrament。　To　love；　even　without　hope；　is　happiness。　Ah！
what　woman　on　earth　could　give　me　a　joy　equal　to　that　of　receiving
your　tears！　I　accept　the　contract　which　must　end　in　suffering　to
myself。　I　give　myself　to　you　with　no　ulterior　thought。　I　will　be　to
you　that　which　you　will　me　to　be〃

She　stopped　me　with　a　motion　of　her　hand；　and　said　in　her　deep　voice；
〃I　consent　to　this　agreement　if　you　will　promise　never　to　tighten　the
bonds　which　bind　us　together。〃

〃Yes；〃　I　said；　〃but　the　less　you　grant　the　more　evidence　of　possession
I　ought　to　have。〃

〃You　begin　by　distrusting　me；〃　she　replied；　with　an　expression　of
melancholy　doubt。

〃No；　I　speak　from　pure　happiness。　Listen；　give　me　a　name　by　which　no
one　calls　you；　a　name　to　be　ours　only；　like　the　feeling　which　unites
us。〃

〃That　is　much　to　ask；〃　she　said；　〃but　I　will　show　you　that　I　am　not
petty。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　calls　me　Blanche。　One　only　person；　the　one
I　have　most　loved；　my　dear　aunt；　called　me　Henriette。　I　will　be
Henriette　once　more；　to　you。〃

I　took　her　hand　and　kissed　it。　She　left　it　in　mine　with　the
trustfulness　that　makes　a　woman　so　far　superior　to　men；　a　trustfulness
that　shames　us。　She　was　leaning　on　the　brick　balustrade　and　gazing　at
the　river。

〃Are　you　not　unwise；　my　friend；　to　rush　at　a　bound　to　the　extremes　of
friendship？　You　have　drained　the　cup；　offered　in　all　sincerity；　at　a
draught。　It　is　true　that　a　real　feeling　is　never　piecemeal；　it　must　be
whole；　or　it　does　not　exist。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；〃　she　added　after　a
short　silence；　〃is　above　all　things　loyal　and　brave。　Perhaps　for　my
sake　you　will　forget　what　he　said　to　you　to…day；　if　he　has　forgotten
it　to…morrow；　I　will　myself　tell　him　what　occurred。　Do　not　come　to
Clochegourde　for　a　few　days；　he　will　respect　you　more　if　you　do　not。
On　Sunday；　after　church；　he　will　go　to　you。　I　know　him；　he　will　wish
to　undo　the　wrong　he　did；　and　he　will　like　you　all　the　better　for
treating　him　as　a　man　who　is　responsible　for　his　words　and　actions。〃

〃Five　days　without　seeing　you；　without　hearing　your　voice！〃

〃Do　not　put　such　warmth　into　your　manner　of　speaking　to　me；〃　she　said。

We　walked　twice　round　the　terrace　in　silence。　Then　she　said；　in　a　tone
of　command　which　proved　to　me　that　she　had　taken　possession　of　my
soul；　〃It　is　late；　we　will　part。〃

I　wished　to　kiss　her　hand；　she　hesitated；　then　gave　it　to　me；　and　said
in　a　voice　of　entreaty：　〃Never　take　it　unless　I　give　it　to　you；　leave
me　my　freedom；　if　not；　I　shall　be　simply　a　thing　of　yours；　and　that
ought　not　to　be。〃

〃Adieu；〃　I　said。

I　went　out　by　the　little　gate　of　the　lower　terrace；　which　she　opened
for　me。　Just　as　she　was　about　to　close　it　she　opened　it　again　and
offered　me　her　hand；　saying：　〃You　have　been　truly　good　to　me　this
evening；　you　have　comforted　my　whole　future；　take　it；　my　friend；　take
it。〃

I　kissed　her　hand　again　and　again；　and　when　I　raised　my　eyes　I　saw　the
tears　in　hers。　She　returned　to　the　upper　terrace　and　I　watched　her　for
a　moment　from　the　meadow。　When　I　was　on　the　road　to　Frapesle　I　again
saw　her　white　robe　shimmering　in　a　moonbeam；　then；　a　few　moments
later；　a　light　was　in　her　bedroom。

〃Oh；　my　Henriette！〃　I　cried；　〃to　you　I　pledge　the　purest　love　that
ever　shone　upon　this　earth。〃

I　t