the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第3部分

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was　the　first　step　into　all　the　vices。〃

After　enduring　the　shock　of　this　torrent　which　rasped　my　soul；　I　was
sent　back　to　school　in　charge　of　my　brother。　I　lost　the　dinner　at　the
Freres　Provencaux；　and　was　deprived　of　seeing　Talma　in　Britannicus。
Such　was　my　first　interview　with　my　mother　after　a　separation　of
twelve　years。

When　I　had　finished　school　my　father　left　me　under　the　guardianship　of
Monsieur　Lepitre。　I　was　to　study　the　higher　mathematics；　follow　a
course　of　law　for　one　year；　and　begin　philosophy。　Allowed　to　study　in
my　own　room　and　released　from　the　classes；　I　expected　a　truce　with
trouble。　But；　in　spite　of　my　nineteen　years；　perhaps　because　of　them；
my　father　persisted　in　the　system　which　had　sent　me　to　school　without
food；　to　an　academy　without　pocket…money；　and　had　driven　me　into　debt
to　Doisy。　Very　little　money　was　allowed　to　me；　and　what　can　you　do　in
Paris　without　money？　Moreover；　my　freedom　was　carefully　chained　up。
Monsieur　Lepitre　sent　me　to　the　law　school　accompanied　by　a　man…of…
all…work　who　handed　me　over　to　the　professor　and　fetched　me　home
again。　A　young　girl　would　have　been　treated　with　less　precaution　than
my　mother's　fears　insisted　on　for　me。　Paris　alarmed　my　parents；　and
justly。　Students　are　secretly　engaged　in　the　same　occupation　which
fills　the　minds　of　young　ladies　in　their　boarding…schools。　Do　what　you
will；　nothing　can　prevent　the　latter　from　talking　of　lovers；　or　the
former　of　women。　But　in　Paris；　and　especially　at　this　particular　time；
such　talk　among　young　lads　was　influenced　by　the　oriental　and　sultanic
atmosphere　and　customs　of　the　Palais…Royal。

The　Palais…Royal　was　an　Eldorado　of　love　where　the　ingots　melted　away
in　coin；　there　virgin　doubts　were　over；　there　curiosity　was　appeased。
The　Palais…Royal　and　I　were　two　asymptotes　bearing　one　towards　the
other；　yet　unable　to　meet。　Fate　miscarried　all　my　attempts。　My　father
had　presented　me　to　one　of　my　aunts　who　lived　in　the　Ile　St。　Louis。
With　her　I　was　to　dine　on　Sundays　and　Thursdays；　escorted　to　the　house
by　either　Monsieur　or　Madame　Lepitre；　who　went　out　themselves　on　those
days　and　were　to　call　for　me　on　their　way　home。　Singular　amusement　for
a　young　lad！　My　aunt；　the　Marquise　de　Listomere；　was　a　great　lady；　of
ceremonious　habits；　who　would　never　have　dreamed　of　offering　me　money。
Old　as　a　cathedral；　painted　like　a　miniature；　sumptuous　in　dress；　she
lived　in　her　great　house　as　though　Louis　XV。　were　not　dead；　and　saw
none　but　old　women　and　men　of　a　past　day；a　fossil　society　which　made
me　think　I　was　in　a　graveyard。　No　one　spoke　to　me　and　I　had　not　the
courage　to　speak　first。　Cold　and　alien　looks　made　me　ashamed　of　my
youth；　which　seemed　to　annoy　them。　I　counted　on　this　indifference　to
aid　me　in　certain　plans；　I　was　resolved　to　escape　some　day　directly
after　dinner　and　rush　to　the　Palais…Royal。　Once　seated　at　whist　my
aunt　would　pay　no　attention　to　me。　Jean；　the　footman；　cared　little　for
Monsieur　Lepitre　and　would　have　aided　me；　but　on　the　day　I　chose　for
my　adventure　that　luckless　dinner　was　longer　than　usual；either
because　the　jaws　employed　were　worn　out　or　the　false　teeth　more
imperfect。　At　last；　between　eight　and　nine　o'clock；　I　reached　the
staircase；　my　heart　beating　like　that　of　Bianca　Capello　on　the　day　of
her　flight；　but　when　the　porter　pulled　the　cord　I　beheld　in　the　street
before　me　Monsieur　Lepitre's　hackney…coach；　and　I　heard　his　pursy
voice　demanding　me！

Three　times　did　fate　interpose　between　the　hell　of　the　Palais…Royal
and　the　heaven　of　my　youth。　On　the　day　when　I；　ashamed　at　twenty　years
of　age　of　my　own　ignorance；　determined　to　risk　all　dangers　to　put　an
end　to　it；　at　the　very　moment　when　I　was　about　to　run　away　from
Monsieur　Lepitre　as　he　got　into　the　coach；a　difficult　process；　for
he　was　as　fat　as　Louis　XVIII。　and　club…footed；well；　can　you　believe
it；　my　mother　arrived　in　a　post…chaise！　Her　glance　arrested　me；　I
stood　still；　like　a　bird　before　a　snake。　What　fate　had　brought　her
there？　The　simplest　thing　in　the　world。　Napoleon　was　then　making　his
last　efforts。　My　father；　who　foresaw　the　return　of　the　Bourbons；　had
come　to　Paris　with　my　mother　to　advise　my　brother；　who　was　employed　in
the　imperial　diplomatic　service。　My　mother　was　to　take　me　back　with
her；　out　of　the　way　of　dangers　which　seemed；　to　those　who　followed　the
march　of　events　intelligently；　to　threaten　the　capital。　In　a　few
minutes；　as　it　were；　I　was　taken　out　of　Paris；　at　the　very　moment　when
my　life　there　was　about　to　become　fatal　to　me。

The　tortures　of　imagination　excited　by　repressed　desires；　the
weariness　of　a　life　depressed　by　constant　privations　had　driven　me　to
study；　just　as　men；　weary　of　fate；　confine　themselves　in　a　cloister。
To　me；　study　had　become　a　passion；　which　might　even　be　fatal　to　my
health　by　imprisoning　me　at　a　period　of　life　when　young　men　ought　to
yield　to　the　bewitching　activities　of　their　springtide　youth。

This　slight　sketch　of　my　boyhood；　in　which　you；　Natalie；　can　readily
perceive　innumerable　songs　of　woe；　was　needful　to　explain　to　you　its
influence　on　my　future　life。　At　twenty　years　of　age；　and　affected　by
many　morbid　elements；　I　was　still　small　and　thin　and　pale。　My　soul；
filled　with　the　will　to　do；　struggled　with　a　body　that　seemed　weakly；
but　which；　in　the　words　of　an　old　physician　at　Tours；　was　undergoing
its　final　fusion　into　a　temperament　of　iron。　Child　in　body　and　old　in
mind；　I　had　read　and　thought　so　much　that　I　knew　life　metaphysically
at　its　highest　reaches　at　the　moment　when　I　was　about　to　enter　the
tortuous　difficulties　of　its　defiles　and　the　sandy　roads　of　its
plains。　A　strange　chance　had　held　me　long　in　that　delightful　period
when　the　soul　awakes　to　its　first　tumults；　to　its　desires　for　joy；　and
the　savor　of　life　is　fresh。　I　stood　in　the　period　between　puberty　and
manhood；the　one　prolonged　by　my　excessive　study；　the　other　tardily
developing　its　living　shoots。　No　young　man　was　ever　more　thoroughly
prepared　to　feel　and　to　love。　To　understand　my　history；　let　your　mind
dwell　on　that　pure　time　of　youth　when　the　mouth　is　innocent　of
falsehood；　when　the　glance　of　the　eye　is　honest；　though　veiled　by　lids
which　droop　from　timidity　contradicting　desire；　when　the　soul　bends
not　to　worldly　Jesuitism；　and　the　heart　throbs　as　violently　from
trepidation　as　from　the　generous　impulses　of　young　emotion。

I　need　say　nothing　of　the　journey　I　made　with　my　mother　from　Paris　to
Tours。　The　coldness　of　her　behavior　repressed　me。　At　each　relay　I
tried　to　speak；　but　a　look；　a　word　from　her　frightened　away　the
speeches　I　had　been　meditating。　At　Orleans；　where　we　had　passed　the
night；　my　mother　complained　of　my　silence。　I　threw　myself　at　her　feet
and　clasped　her　knees；　with　tears　I　opened　my　heart。　I　tried　to　touch
hers　by　the　eloquence　of　my　hungry　love　in　accents　that　might　have
moved　a　stepmother。　She　replied　that　I　was　playing　comedy。　I
complained　that　she　had　abandoned　me。　She　called　me　an　unnatural
child。　My　whole　nature　was　so　wrung　that　at　Blois　I　went　upon　the
bridge　to　drown　myself　in　the　Loire。　The　height　of　the　parapet
prevented　my　suicide。

When　I　reached　home；　my　two　sisters；　who　did　not　know　me；　showed　more
surprise　than　tenderness。　Afterwards；　however；　they　seemed；　by
comparison；　to　be　full　of　kindness　towards　me。　I　was　given　a　room　on
the　third　story。　You　will　understand　the　extent　of　my　hardships　when　I
tell　you　that　my　mother　left　me；　a　young　man　of　twenty；　without　other
linen　than　my　miserable　school　outfit；　or　any　other　outside　clothes
than　those　I　had　long　worn　in　Paris。　If　I　ran　from　one　end　of　the　room
to　the　other　to　pick　up　her　handkerchief；　she　took　it　with　the　cold
thanks　a　lady　gives　to　her　footman。　Driven　to　watch　her　to　find　if
there　were　any　soft　spot　where　I　could　fasten　the　rootlets　of
affection；　I　came　to　see　her　as　she　was；a　tall；　spare　woman；　given
to　cards；　egotistical　and　insolent；　like　all　the　Listomeres；　who　count
insolence　as　part　of　their　dowry。　She　saw　nothing　in　life　except
duties　to　be　fulfilled。　All　cold　women　whom　I　have　known　made；　as　she
did；　a　religion　of　duty；　she　received　our　homage　as　a　priest　receives
the　incense　of　the　mass。　My　elder　brother　appeared　to　absorb　the
trifling　sentiment　of　maternity　which　was　in　her　nature。　She　stabbed
us　constantly　with　her　sharp　irony；the　weapon　of　those　who　have　no
heart；and　which　she　used　against　us；　who　could　make　her　no　reply。

Notwithstanding　these　thorny　hindrances；　the　instinctive　sentiments
have　so　many　roots；　the　religious　fear　inspired　by　a　mother　whom　it　is
dangerous　to　displease　holds　by　so　many　threads；　that　the　sublime
mistakeif　I　may　so　call　itof　our　love　for　our　mother　lasted　until
the　day；　much　later　in　our　lives；　when　we　judged　her　finally。　This
terrible　despotism　drove　from　my　mind　all　thoughts　of　the　voluptuous
enjoyments　I　had　dreamed　of　finding　at　Tours。　In　despair　I　took　refuge
in　my　father's　library；　where　I　set　myself　to　read　every　book　I　did
not　know。　These　long　periods　of　hard　study　saved　me　from　contact　with
my　mother；　but　they　aggravated　the　dangers　of　my　moral　condition。
Sometimes　my　eldest　sistershe　who　afterwards　married　our　cousin；　the
Marquis　de　Listomeretried　to　comfort　me；　without；　however；　being
able　to　calm　the　irritation　to　which　I　was　a　victim。　I　desired　to　die。

Great　events；　of　which　I　knew　nothing；　were　then　in　preparation。　The
Duc　d'Angouleme；　who　had　left　Bordeaux　to　join　Louis　XVIII。　in　Paris；
was　received　in　every　town　through　which　he　passed　with　ovations
inspired　by　the　enthusiasm　felt　throughout　old　France　at　the　return　of
the　Bourbons。　Touraine　was　aroused　for　its　legitimate　princes；　the
town　itself　was　in　a　flutter；　every　window　decorated；　the　inhabitants
in　their　Sunday　clothes；　a　festival　in　preparation；　and　that　nameless
excitement　in　the　air　which　intoxicates；　and　which　gave　me　a　strong
desire　to　be　present　at　the　ball　given　by　the　duke。　When　I　summoned
courage　to　make　this　request　of　my　mother；　who　was　too　ill　to　go
herself；　she　became　extremely　angry。　〃Had　I　come　from　Congo？〃　she
inquired。　〃How　could　I　suppose　that　our　family　would　not　be
represented　at　the　ball？　In　the　absence　of　my　father　and　brother；　of
course　it　was　my　duty　to　be　present。　Had　I　no　mothe