the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第43部分

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room　to　fetch　a　glass　of　orange…flower　water。　〃I　have　many　wrongs　to
repent　of　towards　you；　I　wished　to　fill　you　with　despair　when　I　ought
to　have　received　you　mercifully。　Dear；　you　are　kindness　itself；　and　I
alone　can　appreciate　it。　Yes；　I　know　there　is　a　kindness　prompted　by
passion。　Men　have　various　ways　of　being　kind；　some　from　contempt；
others　from　impulse；　from　calculation；　through　indolence　of　nature；
but　you；　my　friend；　you　have　been　absolutely　kind。〃

〃If　that　be　so；〃　I　replied；　〃remember　that　all　that　is　good　or　great
in　me　comes　through　you。　You　know　well　that　I　am　of　your　making。〃

〃That　word　is　enough　for　any　woman's　happiness；〃　she　said；　as　the
count　re…entered　the　room。　〃I　feel　better；〃　she　said；　rising；　〃I　want
air。〃

We　went　down　to　the　terrace；　fragrant　with　the　acacias　which　were
still　in　bloom。　She　had　taken　my　right　arm；　and　pressed　it　against　her
heart；　thus　expressing　her　sad　thoughts；　but　they　were；　she　said；　of　a
sadness　dear　to　her。　No　doubt　she　would　gladly　have　been　alone　with
me；　but　her　imagination；　inexpert　in　women's　wiles；　did　not　suggest　to
her　any　way　of　sending　her　children　and　the　count　back　to　the　house。
We　therefore　talked　on　indifferent　subjects；　while　she　pondered　a
means　of　pouring　a　few　last　thoughts　from　her　heart　to　mine。

〃It　is　a　long　time　since　I　have　driven　out；〃　she　said；　looking　at　the
beauty　of　the　evening。　〃Monsieur；　will　you　please　order　the　carriage
that　I　may　take　a　turn？〃

She　knew　that　after　evening　prayer　she　could　not　speak　with　me；　for
the　count　was　sure　to　want　his　backgammon。　She　might　have　returned　to
the　warm　and　fragrant　terrace　after　her　husband　had　gone　to　bed；　but
she　feared；　perhaps；　to　trust　herself　beneath　those　shadows；　or　to
walk　by　the　balustrade　where　our　eyes　could　see　the　course　of　the
Indre　through　the　dear　valley。　As　the　silent　and　sombre　vaults　of　a
cathedral　lift　the　soul　to　prayer；　so　leafy　ways；　lighted　by　the　moon；
perfumed　with　penetrating　odors；　alive　with　the　murmuring　noises　of
the　spring…tide；　stir　the　fibres　and　weaken　the　resolves　of　those　who
love。　The　country　calms　the　old；　but　excites　the　young。　We　knew　it
well。　Two　strokes　of　the　bell　announced　the　hour　of　prayer。　The
countess　shivered。

〃Dear　Henriette；　are　you　ill？〃

〃There　is　no　Henriette；〃　she　said。　〃Do　not　bring　her　back。　She　was
capricious　and　exacting；　now　you　have　a　friend　whose　courage　has　been
strengthened　by　the　words　which　heaven　itself　dictated　to　you。　We　will
talk　of　this　later。　We　must　be　punctual　at　prayers；　for　it　is　my　day
to　lead　them。〃

As　Madame　de　Mortsauf　said　the　words　in　which　she　begged　the　help　of
God　through　all　the　adversities　of　life；　a　tone　came　into　her　voice
which　struck　all　present。　Did　she　use　her　gift　of　second　sight　to
foresee　the　terrible　emotion　she　was　about　to　endure　through　my
forgetfulness　of　an　engagement　made　with　Arabella？

〃We　have　time　to　make　three　kings　before　the　horses　are　harnessed；〃
said　the　count；　dragging　me　back　to　the　salon。　〃You　can　go　and　drive
with　my　wife；　and　I'll　go　to　bed。〃

The　game　was　stormy；　like　all　others。　The　countess　heard　the　count's
voice　either　from　her　room　or　from　Madeleine's。

〃You　show　a　strange　hospitality；〃　she　said；　re…entering　the　salon。

I　looked　at　her　with　amazement；　I　could　not　get　accustomed　to　the
change　in　her；　formerly　she　would　have　been　most　careful　not　to
protect　me　against　the　count；　then　it　gladdened　her　that　I　should
share　her　sufferings　and　bear　them　with　patience　for　love　of　her。

〃I　would　give　my　life；〃　I　whispered　in　her　ear；　〃if　I　could　hear　you
say　again；　as　you　once　said；　'Poor　dear；　poor　dear！'〃

She　lowered　her　eyes；　remembering　the　moment　to　which　I　alluded；　yet
her　glance　turned　to　me　beneath　her　eyelids；　expressing　the　joy　of　a
woman　who　finds　the　mere　passing　tones　from　her　heart　preferred　to　the
delights　of　another　love。　The　count　was　losing　the　game；　he　said　he
was　tired；　as　an　excuse　to　give　it　up；　and　we　went　to　walk　on　the　lawn
while　waiting　for　the　carriage。　When　the　count　left　us；　such　pleasure
shone　on　my　face　that　Madame　de　Mortsauf　questioned　me　by　a　look　of
surprise　and　curiosity。

〃Henriette　does　exist；〃　I　said。　〃You　love　me　still。　You　wound　me　with
an　evident　intention　to　break　my　heart。　I　may　yet　be　happy！〃

〃There　was　but　a　fragment　of　that　poor　woman　left；　and　you　have　now
destroyed　even　that；〃　she　said。　〃God　be　praised；　he　gives　me　strength
to　bear　my　righteous　martyrdom。　Yes；　I　still　love　you；　and　I　might
have　erred；　the　English　woman　shows　me　the　abyss。〃

We　got　into　the　carriage　and　the　coachman　asked　for　orders。

〃Take　the　road　to　Chinon　by　the　avenue；　and　come　back　by　the
Charlemagne　moor　and　the　road　to　Sache。〃

〃What　day　is　it？〃　I　asked；　with　too　much　eagerness。

〃Saturday。〃

〃Then　don't　go　that　way；　madame；　the　road　will　be　crowded　with
poultry…men　and　their　carts　returning　from　Tours。〃

〃Do　as　I　told　you；〃　she　said　to　the　coachman。　We　knew　the　tones　of　our
voices　too　well　to　be　able　to　hide　from　each　other　our　least　emotion。
Henriette　understood　all。

〃You　did　not　think　of　the　poultry…men　when　you　appointed　this
evening；〃　she　said　with　a　tinge　of　irony。　〃Lady　Dudley　is　at　Tours；
and　she　is　coming　here　to　meet　you；　do　not　deny　it。　'What　day　is
it？the　poultry…mentheir　carts！'　Did　you　ever　take　notice　of　such
things　in　our　old　drives？〃

〃It　only　shows　that　at　Clochegourde　I　forget　everything；〃　I　answered；
simply。

〃She　is　coming　to　meet　you？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃At　what　hour？〃

〃Half…past　eleven。〃

〃Where？〃

〃On　the　moor。〃

〃Do　not　deceive　me；　is　it　not　at　the　walnut…tree？〃

〃On　the　moor。〃

〃We　will　go　there；〃　she　said；　〃and　I　shall　see　her。〃

When　I　heard　these　words　I　regarded　my　future　life　as　settled。　I　at
once　resolved　to　marry　Lady　Dudley　and　put　an　end　to　the　miserable
struggle　which　threatened　to　exhaust　my　sensibilities　and　destroy　by
these　repeated　shocks　the　delicate　delights　which　had　hitherto
resembled　the　flower　of　fruits。　My　sullen　silence　wounded　the
countess；　the　grandeur　of　whose　mind　I　misjudged。

〃Do　not　be　angry　with　me；〃　she　said；　in　her　golden　voice。　〃This；　dear；
is　my　punishment。　You　can　never　be　loved　as　you　are　here；〃　she
continued；　laying　my　hand　upon　her　heart。　〃I　now　confess　it；　but　Lady
Dudley　has　saved　me。　To　her　the　stains；I　do　not　envy　them；to　me
the　glorious　love　of　angels！　I　have　traversed　vast　tracts　of　thought
since　you　returned　here。　I　have　judged　life。　Lift　up　the　soul　and　you
rend　it；　the　higher　we　go　the　less　sympathy　we　meet；　instead　of
suffering　in　the　valley；　we　suffer　in　the　skies；　as　the　soaring　eagle
bears　in　his　heart　the　arrow　of　some　common　herdsman。　I　comprehend　at
last　that　earth　and　heaven　are　incompatible。　Yes；　to　those　who　would
live　in　the　celestial　sphere　God　must　be　all　in　all。　We　must　love　our
friends　as　we　love　our　children；for　them；　not　for　ourselves。　Self　is
the　cause　of　misery　and　grief。　My　soul　is　capable　of　soaring　higher
than　the　eagle；　there　is　a　love　which　cannot　fail　me。　But　to　live　for
this　earthly　life　is　too　debasing；here　the　selfishness　of　the　senses
reigns　supreme　over　the　spirituality　of　the　angel　that　is　within　us。
The　pleasures　of　passion　are　stormy；　followed　by　enervating　anxieties
which　impair　the　vigor　of　the　soul。　I　came　to　the　shores　of　the　sea
where　such　tempests　rage；　I　have　seen　them　too　near；　they　have　wrapped
me　in　their　clouds；　the　billows　did　not　break　at　my　feet；　they　caught
me　in　a　rough　embrace　which　chilled　my　heart。　No！　I　must　escape　to
higher　regions；　I　should　perish　on　the　shores　of　this　vast　sea。　I　see
in　you；　as　in　all　others　who　have　grieved　me；　the　guardian　of　my
virtue。　My　life　has　been　mingled　with　anguish；　fortunately
proportioned　to　my　strength；　it　has　thus　been　kept　free　from　evil
passions；　from　seductive　peace；　and　ever　near　to　God。　Our　attachment
was　the　mistaken　attempt；　the　innocent　effort　of　two　children　striving
to　satisfy　their　own　hearts；　God；　and　menfolly；　Felix！　Ah；〃　she　said
quickly；　〃what　does　that　woman　call　you？〃

〃'Amedee；'〃　I　answered；　〃'Felix'　is　a　being　apart；　who　belongs　to　none
but　you。〃

〃'Henriette'　is　slow　to　die；〃　she　said；　with　a　gentle　smile；　〃but　die
she　will　at　the　first　effort　of　the　humble　Christian；　the　self…
respecting　mother；　she　whose　virtue　tottered　yesterday　and　is　firm
to…day。　What　may　I　say　to　you？　This。　My　life　has　been；　and　is；
consistent　with　itself　in　all　its　circumstances；　great　and　small。　The
heart　to　which　the　rootlets　of　my　first　affection　should　have　clung；
my　mother's　heart；　was　closed　to　me；　in　spite　of　my　persistence　in
seeking　a　cleft　through　which　they　might　have　slipped。　I　was　a　girl；　I
came　after　the　death　of　three　boys；　and　I　vainly　strove　to　take　their
place　in　the　hearts　of　my　parents；　the　wound　I　gave　to　the　family
pride　was　never　healed。　When　my　gloomy　childhood　was　over　and　I　knew
my　aunt；　death　took　her　from　me　all　too　soon。　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf；　to
whom　I　vowed　myself；　has　repeatedly；　nay　without　respite；　smitten　me；
not　being　himself　aware　of　it；　poor　man！　His　love　has　the　simple…
minded　egotism　our　children　show　to　us。　He　has　no　conception　of　the
harm　he　does　me；　and　he　is　heartily　forgiven　for　it。　My　children；
those　dear　children　who　are　bound　to　my　flesh　through　their
sufferings；　to　my　soul　by　their　characters；　to　my　nature　by　their
innocent　happiness；those　children　were　surely　given　to　show　me　how
much　strength　and　patience　a　mother's　breast　contains。　Yes；　my
children　are　my　virtues。　You　know　how　my　heart　has　been　harrowed　for
them；　by　them；　in　spite　of　them。　To　be　a　mother　was；　for　me；　to　buy
the　right　to　suffer。　When　Hagar　cried　in　the　desert　an　angel　came　and
opened　a　spring　of　living　water　for　that　poor　slave；　but　I；　when　the
limpid　stream　to　which　（do　you　remember？）　you　tried　to　guide　me　flowed
past　Clochegourde；　its　waters　changed　to　bitterness　for　me。　Yes；　the
sufferings　you　have　inflicted　on　my　soul　are　terrible。　God；　no　doubt；
will　pardon　those　who　know　affection　only　through　its　pains。　But　if
the　keenest　of　these　pains　has　come　to　me　through　you；　perhaps　I
deserved　them。　God　is　not　unjust。　Ah；　yes；　Felix；　a　kiss　furtively
taken　may　be　a　crime。　Perhaps　it　is　just　that　a　woman　should　harshly
expiate　t