the lily of the valley(幽谷百合)-第53部分

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had　never　had　the　intimate　communion　which　keeps　feeling　alive；　they
had　shared　neither　pains　nor　pleasures；　those　strong　links　which　tear
us　by　a　thousand　edges　when　broken；　because　they　touch　on　all　our
fibers；　and　are　fastened　to　the　inmost　recesses　of　our　hearts。

Another　consideration　forbade　my　return　to　Clochegourde；Madeleine's
hostility。　That　hard　young　girl　was　not　disposed　to　modify　her　hatred
beside　her　mother's　coffin。　Between　the　count；　who　would　have　talked
to　me　incessantly　of　himself；　and　the　new　mistress　of　the　house；　who
would　have　shown　me　invincible　dislike；　I　should　have　found　myself
horribly　annoyed。　To　be　treated　thus　where　once　the　very　flowers
welcomed　me；　where　the　steps　of　the　portico　had　a　voice；　where　my
memory　clothed　with　poetry　the　balconies；　the　fountains；　the
balustrades；　the　trees；　the　glimpses　of　the　valleys！　to　be　hated　where
I　once　was　lovedthe　thought　was　intolerable　to　me。　So；　from　the
first；　my　mind　was　made　up。

Alas！　alas！　was　this　the　end　of　the　keenest　love　that　ever　entered　the
heart　of　man？　To　the　eyes　of　strangers　my　conduct　might　be
reprehensible；　but　it　had　the　sanction　of　my　own　conscience。　It　is
thus　that　the　noblest　feelings；　the　sublimest　dramas　of　our　youth　must
end。　We　start　at　dawn；　as　I　from　Tours　to　Clochegourde；　we　clutch　the
world；　our　hearts　hungry　for　love；　then；　when　our　treasure　is　in　the
crucible；　when　we　mingle　with　men　and　circumstances；　all　becomes
gradually　debased　and　we　find　but　little　gold　among　the　ashes。　Such　is
life！　life　as　it　is；　great　pretensions；　small　realities。　I　meditated
long　about　myself；　debating　what　I　could　do　after　a　blow　like　this
which　had　mown　down　every　flower　of　my　soul。　I　resolved　to　rush　into
the　science　of　politics；　into　the　labyrinth　of　ambition；　to　cast　woman
from　my　life　and　to　make　myself　a　statesman；　cold　and　passionless；　and
so　remain　true　to　the　saint　I　loved。　My　thoughts　wandered　into　far…off
regions　while　my　eyes　were　fastened　on　the　splendid　tapestry　of　the
yellowing　oaks；　the　stern　summits；　the　bronzed　foothills。　I　asked
myself　if　Henriette's　virtue　were　not；　after　all；　that　of　ignorance；
and　if　I　were　indeed　guilty　of　her　death。　I　fought　against　remorse。　At
last；　in　the　sweetness　of　an　autumn　midday；　one　of　those　last　smiles
of　heaven　which　are　so　beautiful　in　Touraine；　I　read　the　letter　which
at　her　request　I　was　not　to　open　before　her　death。　Judge　of　my
feelings　as　I　read　it。

　　Madame　de　Mortsauf　to　the　Vicomte　Felix　de　Vandenesse：

　　Felix；　friend；　loved　too　well；　I　must　now　lay　bare　my　heart　to
　　you；not　so　much　to　prove　my　love　as　to　show　you　the　weight　of
　　obligation　you　have　incurred　by　the　depth　and　gravity　of　the
　　wounds　you　have　inflicted　on　it。　At　this　moment；　when　I　sink
　　exhausted　by　the　toils　of　life；　worn　out　by　the　shocks　of　its
　　battle；　the　woman　within　me　is；　mercifully；　dead；　the　mother　alone
　　survives。　Dear；　you　are　now　to　see　how　it　was　that　you　were　the
　　original　cause　of　all　my　sufferings。　Later；　I　willingly　received
　　your　blows；　to…day　I　am　dying　of　the　final　wound　your　hand　has
　　given；but　there　is　joy；　excessive　joy　in　feeling　myself
　　destroyed　by　him　I　love。

　　My　physical　sufferings　will　soon　put　an　end　to　my　mental　strength；
　　I　therefore　use　the　last　clear　gleams　of　intelligence　to　implore
　　you　to　befriend　my　children　and　replace　the　heart　of　which　you
　　have　deprived　them。　I　would　solemnly　impose　this　duty　upon　you　if
　　I　loved　you　less；　but　I　prefer　to　let　you　choose　it　for　yourself
　　as　an　act　of　sacred　repentance；　and　also　in　faithful　continuance
　　of　your　lovelove；　for　us；　was　ever　mingled　with　repentant
　　thoughts　and　expiatory　fears！　butI　know　it　wellwe　shall
　　forever　love　each　other。　Your　wrong　to　me　was　not　so　fatal　an　act
　　in　itself　as　the　power　which　I　let　it　have　within　me。　Did　I　not
　　tell　you　I　was　jealous；　jealous　unto　death？　Well；　I　die　of　it。
　　But；　be　comforted；　we　have　kept　all　human　laws。　The　Church　has
　　told　me；　by　one　of　her　purest　voices；　that　God　will　be　forgiving
　　to　those　who　subdue　their　natural　desires　to　His　commandments。　My
　　beloved；　you　are　now　to　know　all；　for　I　would　not　leave　you　in
　　ignorance　of　any　thought　of　mine。　What　I　confide　to　God　in　my　last
　　hour　you；　too；　must　know；you；　king　of　my　heart　as　He　is　King　of
　　Heaven。

　　Until　the　ball　given　to　the　Duc　d'Angouleme　（the　only　ball　at
　　which　I　was　ever　present）；　marriage　had　left　me　in　that　ignorance
　　which　gives　to　the　soul　of　a　young　girl　the　beauty　of　the　angels。
　　True；　I　was　a　mother；　but　love　had　never　surrounded　me　with　its
　　permitted　pleasures。　How　did　this　happen？　I　do　not　know；　neither
　　do　I　know　by　what　law　everything　within　me　changed　in　a　moment。
　　You　remember　your　kisses？　they　have　mastered　my　life；　they　have
　　furrowed　my　soul；　the　ardor　of　your　blood　awoke　the　ardor　of　mine；
　　your　youth　entered　my　youth；　your　desires　my　soul。　When　I　rose　and
　　left　you　proudly　I　was　filled　with　an　emotion　for　which　I　know　no
　　name　in　any　languagefor　children　have　not　yet　found　a　word　to
　　express　the　marriage　of　their　eyes　with　light；　nor　the　kiss　of
　　life　laid　upon　their　lips。　Yes；　it　was　sound　coming　in　the　echo；
　　light　flashing　through　the　darkness；　motion　shaking　the　universe；
　　at　least；　it　was　rapid　like　all　these　things；　but　far　more　
　　beautiful；　for　it　was　the　birth　of　the　soul！　I　comprehended　then
　　that　something；　I　knew　not　what；　existed　for　me　in　the　world；a
　　force　nobler　than　thought；　for　it　was　all　thoughts；　all　forces；　it
　　was　the　future　itself　in　a　shared　emotion。　I　felt　I　was　but　half　a
　　mother。　Falling　thus　upon　my　heart　this　thunderbolt　awoke　desires
　　which　slumbered　there　without　my　knowledge；　suddenly　I　divined　all
　　that　my　aunt　had　meant　when　she　kissed　my　forehead；　murmuring；
　　〃Poor　Henriette！〃

　　When　I　returned　to　Clochegourde；　the　springtime；　the　first　leaves；
　　the　fragrance　of　the　flowers；　the　white　and　fleecy　clouds；　the
　　Indre；　the　sky；　all　spoke　to　me　in　a　language　till　then　unknown。
　　If　you　have　forgotten　those　terrible　kisses；　I　have　never　been
　　able　to　efface　them　from　my　memory；I　am　dying　of　them！　Yes；　each
　　time　that　I　have　met　you　since；　their　impress　is　revived。　I　was
　　shaken　from　head　to　foot　when　I　first　saw　you；　the　mere
　　presentiment　of　your　coming　overcame　me。　Neither　time　nor　my　firm
　　will　has　enabled　me　to　conquer　that　imperious　sense　of　pleasure。　I
　　asked　myself　involuntarily；　〃What　must　be　such　joys？〃　Our　mutual
　　looks；　the　respectful　kisses　you　laid　upon　my　hand；　the　pressure
　　of　my　arm　on　yours；　your　voice　with　its　tender　tones；all；　even
　　the　slightest　things；　shook　me　so　violently　that　clouds　obscured
　　my　sight；　the　murmur　of　rebellious　senses　filled　my　ears。　Ah！　if
　　in　those　moments　when　outwardly　I　increased　my　coldness　you　had
　　taken　me　in　your　arms　I　should　have　died　of　happiness。　Sometimes　I
　　desired　it；　but　prayer　subdued　the　evil　thought。　Your　name　uttered
　　by　my　children　filled　my　heart　with　warmer　blood；　which　gave　color
　　to　my　cheeks；　I　laid　snares　for　my　poor　Madeleine　to　induce　her　to
　　say　it；　so　much　did　I　love　the　tumults　of　that　sensation。　Ah！　what
　　shall　I　say　to　you？　Your　writing　had　a　charm；　I　gazed　at　your
　　letters　as　we　look　at　a　portrait。

　　If　on　that　first　day　you　obtained　some　fatal　power　over　me；
　　conceive；　dear　friend；　how　infinite　that　power　became　when　it　was
　　given　to　me　to　read　your　soul。　What　delights　filled　me　when　I
　　found　you　so　pure；　so　absolutely　truthful；　gifted　with　noble
　　qualities；　capable　of　noblest　things；　and　already　so　tried！　Man
　　and　child；　timid　yet　brave！　What　joy　to　find　we　both　were
　　consecrated　by　a　common　grief！　Ever　since　that　evening　when　we
　　confided　our　childhoods　to　each　other；　I　have　known　that　to　lose
　　you　would　be　death；yes；　I　have　kept　you　by　me　selfishly。　The
　　certainty　felt　by　Monsieur　de　la　Berge　that　I　should　die　if　I　lost
　　you　touched　him　deeply；　for　he　read　my　soul。　He　knew　how　necessary
　　I　was　to　my　children　and　the　count；　he　did　not　command　me　to
　　forbid　you　my　house；　for　I　promised　to　continue　pure　in　deed　and
　　thought。　〃Thought；〃　he　said　to　me；　〃is　involuntary；　but　it　can　be
　　watched　even　in　the　midst　of　anguish。〃　〃If　I　think；〃　I　replied；　
　　〃all　will　be　lost；　save　me　from　myself。　Let　him　remain　beside　me
　　and　keep　me　pure！〃　The　good　old　man；　though　stern；　was　moved　by　my
　　sincerity。　〃Love　him　as　you　would　a　son；　and　give　him　your　
　　daughter；〃　he　said。　I　accepted　bravely　that　life　of　suffering　that
　　I　might　not　lose　you；　and　I　suffered　joyfully；　seeing　that　we　were
　　called　to　bear　the　same　yokeMy　God！　I　have　been　firm；　faithful
　　to　my　husband；　I　have　given　you　no　foothold；　Felix；　in　your
　　kingdom。　The　grandeur　of　my　passion　has　reacted　on　my　character；　I
　　have　regarded　the　tortures　Monsieur　de　Mortsauf　has　inflicted　on
　　me　as　expiations；　I　bore　them　proudly　in　condemnation　of　my　faulty
　　desires。　Formerly　I　was　disposed　to　murmur　at　my　life；　but　since
　　you　entered　it　I　have　recovered　some　gaiety；　and　this　has　been　the
　　better　for　the　count。　Without　this　strength；　which　I　derived
　　through　you；　I　should　long　since　have　succumbed　to　the　inward　life
　　of　which　I　told　you。

　　If　you　have　counted　for　much　in　the　exercise　of　my　duty　so　have　my
　　children　also。　I　felt　I　had　deprived　them　of　something；　and　I
　　feared　I　could　never　do　enough　to　make　amends　to　them；　my　life　was
　　thus　a　continual　struggle　which　I　loved。　Feeling　that　I　was　less　a
　　mother；　less　an　honest　wife；　remorse　entered　my　heart；　fearing　to
　　fail　in　my　obligations；　I　constantly　went　beyond　them。　Often　have
　　I　put　Madeleine　between　you　and　me；　giving　you　to　each　other；
　　raising　barriers　between　us；barriers　that　were　powerless！　for
　　what　could　stifle　the　emotions　which　you　caused　me？　Absent　or
　　present；　you　had　the　same　power。　I　preferred　Madeleine　to　Jacques
　　because　Madeleine　was　sometime　to　be　yours。　But　I　did　not　yield
　　you　to　my　daughter　without　a　struggle。　I　told　myself　that　I　was
　　only　twenty…eight　when　I　first　met　you；　and　you　were　nearly
　　twenty…two；　I　shortened　the　distance　between　us；　I　gave　myself　up
　　to　delusive　hopes。　Oh；　Felix！　I　tell　you　these　things　to　save　you
　　from　remorse；　a