miss billie married-第30部分
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July day。
As it chanced; naturally; perhaps; not only was
Billy thinking of Arkwright that morning; but
Arkwright was thinking of Billy。
Arkwright had thought frequently of Billy
during the last few days; particularly since that
afternoon meeting at the Annex when the four
had renewed their old good times together。 Up
to that day Arkwright had been trying not to
think of Billy。 He had been ‘‘fighting his tiger
skin。'' Sternly he had been forcing himself to
meet her; to see her; to talk with her; to sing with
her; or to pass her byall with the indifference
properly expected to be shown in association with
Mrs。 Bertram Henshaw; another man's wife。 He
had known; of course; that deep down in his heart
he loved her; always had loved her; and always
would love her。 Hopelessly and drearily he
accepted this as a fact even while with all his might
fighting that tiger skin。 So sure was he; indeed;
of this; so implicitly had he accepted it as an
unalterable certainty; that in time even his efforts
to fight it became almost mechanical and unconscious
in their stern round of forced indifference。
Then came that day at the Annexand the
discovery: the discovery which he had made
when Billy called his attention to Calderwell and
Alice Greggory across the room in the corner;
the discovery which had come with so blinding a
force; and which even now he was tempted to
question as to its reality; the discovery that not
Billy Neilson; nor Mrs。 Bertram Henshaw; nor
even the tender ghost of a lost love held the
center of his heartbut Alice Greggory。
The first intimation of all this had come with
his curious feeling of unreasoning hatred and
blind indignation toward Calderwell as; through
Billy's eyes; he had seen the two together。 Then
had come the overwhelming longing to pick up
Alice Greggory and run off with hersomewhere;
anywhere; so that Calderwell could not follow。
At once; however; he had pulled himself up
short with the mental cry of ‘‘Absurd!'' What
was it to him if Calderwell did care for Alice
Greggory? Surely he himself was not in love
with the girl。 He was in love with Billy; that
is
It was all confusion then; in his mind; and he
was glad indeed when he could leave the house。
He wanted to be alone。 He wanted to think。
He must; in some way; thrash out this astounding
thing that had come to him。
Arkwright did not visit the Annex again for
some days。 Until he was more nearly sure of
himself and of his feelings; he did not wish to see
Alice Greggory。 It was then that he began to
think of Billy; deliberately; purposefully; for it
must be; of course; that he had made a mistake;
he told himself。 It must be that he did; really;
still care for Billythough of course he ought
not to。
Arkwright made another discovery then。 He
learned that; however deliberately he started in
to think of Billy; he ended every time in thinking
of Alice。 He thought of how good she had been
to him; and of how faithful she had been in helping
him to fight his love for Billy。 Just here he
decided; for a moment; that probably; after all;
his feeling of anger against Calderwell was merely
the fear of losing this helpful comradeship that
he so needed。 Even with himself; however; Arkwright
could not keep up this farce long; and very
soon he admitted miserably that it was not the
comradeship of Alice Greggory that he wanted or
needed; but the love。
He knew it now。 No longer was there any use
in beating about the bush。 He did love Alice
Greggory; but so curiously and unbelievably
stupid had he been that he had not found it out
until now。 And now it was too late。 Had not
even Billy called his attention to the fact of
Calderwell's devotion? Besides; had not he himself;
at the very first; told Calderwell that he
might have a clear field?
Fool that he had been to let another thus lightly
step in and win from under his very nose what
might have been his if he had but known his own
mind before it was too late!
But was it; after all; quite too late? He and
Alice were old friends。 Away back in their young
days in their native town they had been; indeed;
almost sweethearts; in a boy…and…girl fashion。
It would not have taken much in those days; he
believed; to have made the relationship more
interesting。 But changes had come。 Alice had
left town; and for years they had drifted apart。
Then had come Billy; and Billy had found Alice;
thus bringing about the odd circumstance of their
renewing of acquaintanceship。 Perhaps; at that
time; if he had not already thought he cared for
Billy; there would have been something more
than acquaintanceship。
But he _had_ thought he cared for Billy all these
years; and now; at this late day; to wake up and
find that he cared for Alice! A pretty mess he
had made of things! Was he so inconstant then;
so fickle? Did he not know his own mind five
minutes at a time? What would Alice Greggory
think; even if he found the courage to tell her?
What could she think? What could anybody
think?
Arkwright fairly ground his teeth in impotent
wrathand he did not know whether he were
the most angry that he did not love Billy; or that
he had loved Billy; or that he loved somebody else
now。
It was while he was in this unenviable frame of
mind that he went to see Alice。 Not that he had
planned definitely to speak to her of his discovery;
nor yet that he had planned not to。 He had;
indeed; planned nothing。 For a man usually so
decided as to purpose and energetic as to action;
he was in a most unhappy state of uncertainty
and changeableness。 One thing only was unmistakably
clear to him; and that was that he must
see Alice。
For months; now; he had taken to Alice all his
hopes and griefs; perplexities and problems; and
never had he failed to find comfort in the shape
of sympathetic understanding and wise counsel。
To Alice; therefore; now he turned as a matter of
course; telling himself vaguely that; perhaps;
after he had seen Alice; he would feel better。
Just how intimately this particular problem of
his concerned Alice herself; he did not stop to
realize。 He did not; indeed; think of it at all from
Alice's standpointuntil he came face to face
with the girl in the living…room at the Annex。
Then; suddenly; he did。 His manner became at
once; consequently; full of embarrassment and
quite devoid of its usual frank friendliness。
As it happened; this was perhaps the most
unfortunate thing that could have occurred; so far
as it concerned the attitude of Alice Greggory;
for thereby innumerable tiny sparks of suspicion
that had been tormenting the girl for days were
instantly fanned into consuming flames of conviction。
Alice had not been slow to note Arkwright's
prolonged absence from the Annex。 Coming as
it did so soon after her most disconcerting talk
with Billy in regard to her own relations with
him; it had filled her with frightened questionings。
If Billy had seen things to make her think of
linking their names together; perhaps Arkwright
himself had heard some such idea put forth
somewhere; and that was why he was staying
awayto show the world that there was no
foundation for such rumors。 Perhaps he was
even doing it to show _her_ that
Even in her thoughts Alice could scarcely
bring herself to finish the sentence。 That Arkwright
should ever suspect for a moment that
she cared for him was intolerable。 Painfully
conscious as she was that she did care for him;
it was easy to fear that others must be conscious
of it; too。 Had she not already proof that Billy
suspected it? Why; then; might not it be quite
possible; even probable; that Arkwright suspected
it; also; and; because he did suspect it; had
decided that it would be just as well; perhaps; if
he did not call so often。
In spite of Alice's angry insistence to herself
that; after all; this could not be the case
that the man _knew_ she understood he still loved
Billyshe could not help fearing; in the face
of Arkwright's unusual absence; that it might
yet be true。 When; therefore; he finally did
appear; only to become at once obviously embarrassed
in her presence; her fears instantly became
convictions。 It was true; then。 The man
did believe she cared for him; and he had been
trying to teach herto save her。
To teach her! To save her; indeed! Very
well; he should see! And forthwith; from that
moment; Alice Greggory's chief reason for living
became to prove to Mr。 M。 J。 Arkwright that
he needed not to teach her; to save her; nor yet
to sympathize with her。
‘‘How do you do?'' she greeted him; with a
particularly bright smile。 ‘‘I'm sure I _hope_ you
are well; such a beautiful day as this。''
‘‘Oh; yes; I'm well; I suppose。 Still; I have
felt better in my life;'' smiled Arkwright; with
some constraint。
‘‘Oh; I'm sorry;'' murmured the girl; striving
so hard to speak with impersonal unconcern that
she did not notice the inaptness of her reply。
‘‘Eh? Sorry I've felt better; are you?''
retorted Arkwright; with nervous humor。 Then;
because he was embarrassed; he said the one
thing he had meant not to say: ‘‘Don't you think
I'm quite a stranger? It's been some time since
I've been here。''
Alice; smarting under the sting of what she
judged to be the only possible cause for his
embarrassment; leaped to this new opportunity to
show her lack of interest。
‘‘Oh; has it?'' she murmured carelessly。
‘‘Well; I don't know but it has; now that I come
to think of it。''
Arkwright frowned gloomily。 A week ago he
would have tossed back a laughingly aggrieved
remark as to her unflattering indifference to his
presence。 Now he was in no mood for such
joking。 It was too se