the complete works of artemus ward, part 2-第6部分

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way；　if　YOU　please。〃　　It　was　brought　forthwith。

At　precisely　9　o'clock；　by　the　schoolmaster's　new　〃Lepeen〃
watch；　the　American　and　British　forces　marched　on　to　the
village　green　and　placed　themselves　in　battle　array；　reminding
the　spectator　of　the　time　when

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Brave　Wolfe　drew　up　his　men
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　In　a　style　most　pretty；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　On　the　Plains　of　Abraham
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Before　the　city。〃

The　character　of　Washington　had　been　assigned　to　'Squire　Wood；
a　well…to…do　and　influential　farmer；　while　that　of　Cornwallis
had　been　given　to　the　village　lawyer；　a　kind…hearted　but
rather　pompous　person；　whose　name　was　Caleb　Jones。

'Squire　Wood；　the　Washington　of　the　occasion；　had　met　with
many　unexpected　difficulties　in　preparing　his　forces；　and　in
his　perplexity　he　had　emptied　not　only　his　own　canteen　but
those　of　most　of　his　aids。　　The　consequence　wasmortifying　as
it　must　be　to　all　true　Americansblushing　as　I　do　to　tell　it；
Washington　at　the　commencement　of　the　mimic　struggle　was　most
unqualifiedly　drunk。

The　sham　fight　commenced。　　Bang！　bang！　bang！　from　the
Americansbang！　bang！　bang！　from　the　British。　　The　bangs　were
kept　hotly　up　until　the　powder　gave　out；　and　then　came　the
order　to　charge。　　Hundreds　of　wooden　bayonets　flashed　fiercely
in　the　sunlight；　each　soldier　taking　very　good　care　not　to　hit
anybody。

〃Thaz　（hic）　right；〃　shouted　Washington；　who　during　the
shooting　had　been　racing　his　horse　wildly　up　and　down　the
line；　〃thaz　right！　　GIN　it　to　'em！　Cut　their　tarnal　heads
off！〃

〃On；　Romans！〃　shrieked　Cornwallis；　who　had　once　seen　a
theatrical　performance　and　remembered　the　heroic　appeals　of
the　Thespian　belligerents；　〃on　to　the　fray！　　No　sleep　till
mornin'。〃

〃Let　eout　all　their　bowels；〃　yelled　Washington；　〃and　down　with
taxation　on　tea！〃

The　fighting　now　ceased；　the　opposing　forces　were　properly
arranged；　and　Cornwallis；　dismounting；　prepared　to　present　his
sword　to　Washington　according　to　programme。　　As　he　walked
slowly　towards　the　Father　of　His　Country　he　rehearsed　the
little　speech　he　had　committed　for　the　occasion；　while　the
illustrious　being　who　was　to　hear　it　was　making　desperate
efforts　to　keep　in　his　saddle。　　Now　he　would　wildly　brandish
his　sword　and　narrowly　escape　cutting　off　his　horse's　ears；
and　then　he　would　fall　suddenly　forward　on　to　the　steed's
neck；　grasping　the　mane　as　drowning　men　seize　hold　of　straws。
He　was　giving　an　inimitable　representation　of　Toodles　on
horseback。　　All　idea　of　the　magnitude　of　the　occasion　had　left
him；　and　when　he　saw　Cornwallis　approaching；　with　slow　and
stately　step；　and　sword…hilt　extended　toward　him；　he　inquired；

〃What'n　devil　YOU　want；　any　（hic）　how！〃

〃General　Washington；〃　said　Cornwallis；　in　dignified　and
impressive　tones；　〃I　tender　you　my　sword。　　I　need　not　inform
you；　Sir；　how　deeply〃

The　speech　was　here　suddenly　cut　short　by　Washington；　who；
driving　the　spurs　into　his　horse；　playfully　attempted　to　ride
over　the　commander　of　the　British　forces。　　He　was　not
permitted　to　do　this；　for　his　aids；　seeing　his　unfortunate
condition；　seized　the　horse　by　the　bridle；　straightened
Washington　up　in　his　saddle；　and　requested　Cornwallis　to
proceed　with　his　remarks。

〃General　Washington；〃　said　Cornwallis；　〃the　British　Lion
prostrates　himself　at　the　feet　of　the　American　Eagle！〃

〃EAGLE？　　EAGLE！〃　yelled　the　infuriated　Washington；　rolling　off
his　horse　and　hitting　Cornwallis　a　frightful　blow　on　the　head
with　the　flat　of　his　sword；　〃do　you　call　me　a　EAGLE；　you　mean；
sneakin'　cuss？〃　　He　struck　him　again；　sending　him　to　the
ground；　and　said；　〃I'll　learn　you　to　call　me　a　Eagle；　you
infernal　scoundrel！〃

Cornwallis　remained　upon　the　ground　only　a　moment。　　Smarting
from　the　blows　he　had　received；　he　arose　with　an　entirely
unlooked　for　recuperation　on　the　part　of　the　fallen；　and　in
direct　defiance　of　historical　example；　in　spite　of　the　men　of
both　nations；　indeed；　he　whipped　the　Immortal　Washington　until
he　roared　for　mercy。

The　Americans；　at　first　mortified　and　indignant　at　the　conduct
of　their　chief；　now　began　to　sympathize　with　him；　and　resolved
to　whip　their　mock　foes　in　earnest。　　They　rushed　fiercely　upon
them；　but　the　British　were　really　the　stronger　party　and　drove
the　Americans　back。　　Not　content　with　this　they　charged　madly
upon　them　and　drove　them　from　the　fieldfrom　the　village；　in
fact。　　There　were　many　heads　damaged；　eyes　draped　in　mourning；
noses　fractured　and　legs　lamedit　is　a　wonder　that　no　one　was
killed　outright。

Washington　was　confined　to　his　house　for　several　weeks；　but　he
recovered　at　last。　　For　a　time　there　was　a　coolness　between
himself　and　Cornwallis；　but　they　finally　concluded　to　join　the
whole　county　in　laughing　about　the　surrender。

They　live　now。　　Time；　the　〃artist；〃　has　thoroughly　whitewashed
their　heads；　but　they　are　very　jolly　still。　　On　town　meeting
days　the　old　'Squire　always　rides　down　to　the　village。　　In　the
hind　part　of　his　venerable　yellow　wagon　is　always　a　bunch　of
hay；　ostensibly　for　the　old　white　horse；　but　really　to　hide　a
glass　bottle　from　the　vulgar　gaze。　　This　bottle　has　on　one
side　a　likeness　of　Lafayette；　and　upon　the　other　may　be　seen
the　Goddess　of　Liberty。　　What　the　bottle　contains　inside　I
cannot　positively　say；　but　it　is　true　that　'Squire　Wood　and
Lawyer　Jones　visit　that　bottle　very　frequently　on　town…meeting
days　and　come　back　looking　quite　red　in　the　face。　　When　this
redness　in　the　face　becomes　of　the　blazing　kind；　as　it
generally　does　by　the　time　the　polls　close；　a　short　dialogue
like　this　may　be　heard。

〃We　shall　never　play　surrender　again；　Lawyer　Jones。〃

〃Them　days　is　over；　'Squire　Wood！〃


2。8。　　THINGS　IN　NEW　YORK。

The　stoodent　and　connyseer　must　have　noticed　and　admired　in
varis　parts　of　the　United　States　of　America　large　yeller
hanbills；　which　not　only　air　gems　of　art　in　theirselves；　but
they　troothfully　sit　forth　the　attractions　of　my　showa　show；
let　me　here　obsarve；　that　contains　many　livin'　wild　animils；
every　one　of　which　has　got　a　Beautiful　Moral。

Them　hanbills　is　sculpt　in　New　York。

&　I　annoolly　repair　here　to　git　some　more　on　'um；

&；　bein'　here；　I　tho't　I'd　issoo　a　Adress　to　the　public　on
matters　and　things。

Since　last　I　meyandered　these　streets；　I　have　bin　all　over　the
Pacific　Slopes　and　Utah。　　I　cum　back　now；　with　my　virtoo
unimpaired；　but　I've　got　to　git　some　new　clothes。

Many　changes　has　taken　place；　even　durin'　my　short　absence；　&
sum　on　um　is　Sollum　to　contempulate。　　The　house　in　Varick
street；　where　I　used　to　Board；　is　bein'　torn　down。　　That
house；　which　was　rendered　memoriable　by　my　livin'　into　it；　is
〃parsin'　away！　parsin'　away！〃　　But　some　of　the　timbers　will　be
made　into　canes；　which　will　be　sold　to　my　admirers　at　the　low
price　of　one　dollar　each。　　Thus　is　changes　goin'　on
continerly。　　In　the　New　World　it　is　warin　the　Old　World
Empires　is　totterin'　&　Dysentaries　is　crumblin'。　　These　canes
is　cheap　at　a　dollar。

Sammy　Booth；　Duane　street；　sculps　my　hanbills；　&　he's　artist。
He　studid　in　RomeState　of　New　York。

I'm　here　to　read　the　proof…sheets　of　my　hanbils　as　fast　as
they're　sculpt。　　You　have　to　watch　these　ere　printers　pretty
close；　for　they're　jest　as　apt　to　spel　a　wurd　rong　as　anyhow。

But　I　have　time　to　look　around　sum　&　how　do　I　find　things？　　I
return　to　the　Atlantic　States　after　a　absence　of　ten　months；　&
what　State　do　I　find　the　country　in？　　Why　I　don't　know　what
State　I　find　it　in。　　Suffice　it　to　say；　that　I　do　not　find　it
in　the　State　of　New　Jersey。

I　find　sum　things　that　is　cheerin'；　particly　the　resolve　on
the　part　of　the　wimin　of　America　to　stop　wearin'　furrin　goods。

I　never　meddle　with　my　wife's　things。　　She　may　wear　muslin
from　Greenland's　icy　mountains；　and　bombazeen　from　Injy's
coral　strands；　if　she　wants　to；　but　I'm　glad　to　state　that
that　superior　woman　has　peeled　off　all　her　furrin　clothes　and
jumpt　into　fabrics　of　domestic　manufactur。

But；　says　sum　folks；　if　you　stop　importin'　things　you　stop　the
revenoo。　　That's　all　right。　　We　can　stand　it　if　the　Revenoo
can。　　On　the　same　principle　young　men　should　continer　to　get
drunk　on　French　brandy　and　to　smoke　their　livers　as　dry　as　a
corn…cob　with　Cuby　cigars　because　4…sooth　if　they　don't；　it
will　hurt　the　Revenoo！　　This　talk　'bout　the　Revenoo　is　of　the
bosh　boshy。　　One　thing　is　tol'bly　certinif　we　don't　send
gold　out　of　the　country　we　shall　have　the　consolation　of
knowing　that　it　is　in　the　country。　　So　I　say　great　credit　is
doo　the　wimin　for　this　patriotic　moveand　to　tell　the　trooth；
the　wimin　genrally　know　what　they're　bout。　　Of　all　the
blessins　they're　the　soothinist。　　If　there'd　never　bin　any
wimin；　where　would　my　children　be　to…day？

But　I　hope　this　move　will　lead　to　other　moves　that　air　just　as
much　needed；　one　of　which　is　a　genral　and　therrer　curtainment
of　expenses　all　round。　　The　fact　is　we　air　gettin'　ter'bly
extravgant；　and　onless　we　paws　in　our　mad　career　in　less　than
two　years　the　Goddess　of　Liberty　will　be　seen　dodgin'　into　a
Pawn　Broker's　shop　with　the　other　gown　done　up　in　a　bundle；
even　if　she　don't　have　to　Spout　the　gold　stars　in　her
head…band。　　Let　us　all　take　hold　jintly；　and　live　and　dress
centsibly；　like　our　forefathers　who　know'd　moren　we　do；　if
they　warnt　quite　so　honest！　　（Suttle　goaketh。）

There　air　other　cheerin'　signs　for　Ameriky。　　We　don't；　for
instuns；　lack　great　Gen'rals；　and　we　certinly　don't　brave
sojersbut　there's　one　thing　I　wish　we　did　lack；　and　that　is
our　present　Congress。

I　venture　to　say　that　if　you　sarch　the　earth　all　over　with　a
ten…hoss　power　mikriscope；　you　won't　be　able　to　find　such
another　pack　of　poppycock　gabblers　as　the　present　Congress　of
the　United　States　of　America　would　be　able　to　findfind　among
their　constituents。

Gentleman　of　the　Senit　&　of　the　House；　you've　sot　there　and
draw'd　your　pay　and　made　summer…complaint　speeches　long　enuff。
The　country　at　large；　incloodin'　the　undersined；　is　disgusted
with　you。　　Why　don't　you　show　us　a　statesmansumbody　who　can
make　a　speech　that　will　hit　the　pop'lar　hart　right　under　the
great　Public　weskit？　　Why　don't　you　show　us　a　statesman　who
can　rise　up　to　the　Emergency；　and　cave　in　the　Emergency's
head？

Congress；　you　wo