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John　Ingerfield　and　Other　Stories



by　Jerome　K。　Jerome









Contents



To　the　Gentle　Reader

In　Remembrance　of　John　Ingerfield　and　of　Anne；　his　Wife

The　Woman　of　the　Saeter

Variety　Patter

Silhouettes

The　Lease　of　the　〃Cross　Keys〃







TO　THE　GENTLE　READER；

also

TO　THE　GENTLE　CRITIC。





Once　upon　a　time；　I　wrote　a　little　story　of　a　woman　who　was　crushed

to　death　by　a　python。　　A　day　or　two　after　its　publication；　a　friend

stopped　me　in　the　street。　　〃Charming　little　story　of　yours；〃　he

said；〃　that　about　the　woman　and　the　snake；　but　it's　not　as　funny　as

some　of　your　things！〃　　The　next　week；　a　newspaper；　referring　to　the

tale；　remarked；　〃We　have　heard　the　incident　related　before　with

infinitely　greater　humour。〃



With　thisand　many　similar　experiencesin　mind；　I　wish　distinctly

to　state　that　〃John　Ingerfield；〃　〃The　Woman　of　the　Saeter；〃　and

〃Silhouettes；〃　are　not　intended　to　be　amusing。　　The　two　other　items

〃Variety　Patter；〃　and　〃The　Lease　of　the　Cross　Keys〃I　give　over　to

the　critics　of　the　new　humour　to　rend　as　they　will；　but　〃John

Ingerfield；〃　〃The　Woman　of　the　Saeter；〃　and　〃Silhouettes；〃　I　repeat；

I　should　be　glad　if　they　would　judge　from　some　other　standpoint　than

that　of　humour；　new　or　old。





IN　REMEMBRANCE　OF　JOHN　INGERFIELD　AND　OF　ANNE；　HIS　WIFE

A　STORY　OF　OLD　LONDON；　IN　TWO　CHAPTERS







CHAPTER　I。







If　you　take　the　Underground　Railway　to　Whitechapel　Road　（the　East

station）；　and　from　there　take　one　of　the　yellow　tramcars　that　start

from　that　point；　and　go　down　the　Commercial　Road；　past　the　George；　in

front　of　which　startsor　used　to　standa　high　flagstaff；　at　the

base　of　which　sitsor　used　to　sitan　elderly　female　purveyor　of

pigs'　trotters　at　three…ha'pence　apiece；　until　you　come　to　where　a

railway　arch　crosses　the　road　obliquely；　and　there　get　down　and　turn

to　the　right　up　a　narrow；　noisy　street　leading　to　the　river；　and　then

to　the　right　again　up　a　still　narrower　street；　which　you　may　know　by

its　having　a　public…house　at　one　corner　（as　is　in　the　nature　of

things）　and　a　marine　store…dealer's　at　the　other；　outside　which

strangely　stiff　and　unaccommodating　garments　of　gigantic　size　flutter

ghost…like　in　the　wind；　you　will　come　to　a　dingy　railed…in

churchyard；　surrounded　on　all　sides　by　cheerless；　many…peopled

houses。　　Sad…looking　little　old　houses　they　are；　in　spite　of　the

tumult　of　life　about　their　ever　open　doors。　　They　and　the　ancient

church　in　their　midst　seem　weary　of　the　ceaseless　jangle　around　them。

Perhaps；　standing　there　for　so　many　years；　listening　to　the　long

silence　of　the　dead；　the　fretful　voices　of　the　living　sound　foolish

in　their　ears。



Peering　through　the　railings　on　the　side　nearest　the　river；　you　will

see　beneath　the　shadow　of　the　soot…grimed　church's　soot…grimed　porch…

…that　is；　if　the　sun　happen；　by　rare　chance；　to　be　strong　enough　to

cast　any　shadow　at　all　in　that　region　of　grey　lighta　curiously　high

and　narrow　headstone　that　once　was　white　and　straight；　not　tottering

and　bent　with　age　as　it　is　now。　　There　is　upon　this　stone　a　carving

in　bas…relief；　as　you　will　see　for　yourself　if　you　will　make　your　way

to　it　through　the　gateway　on　the　opposite　side　of　the　square。　　It

represents；　so　far　as　can　be　made　out；　for　it　is　much　worn　by　time

and　dirt；　a　figure　lying　on　the　ground　with　another　figure　bending

over　it；　while　at　a　little　distance　stands　a　third　object。　　But　this

last　is　so　indistinct　that　it　might　be　almost　anything；　from　an　angel

to　a　post。



And　below　the　carving　are　the　words　（already　half　obliterated）　that　I

have　used　for　the　title　of　this　story。



Should　you　ever　wander　of　a　Sunday　morning　within　sound　of　the

cracked　bell　that　calls　a　few　habit…bound；　old…fashioned　folk　to

worship　within　those　damp…stained　walls；　and　drop　into　talk　with　the

old　men　who　on　such　days　sometimes　sit；　each　in　his　brass…buttoned

long　brown　coat；　upon　the　low　stone　coping　underneath　those　broken

railings；　you　might　hear　this　tale　from　them；　as　I　did；　more　years

ago　than　I　care　to　recollect。



But　lest　you　do　not　choose　to　go　to　all　this　trouble；　or　lest　the　old

men　who　could　tell　it　you　have　grown　tired　of　all　talk；　and　are　not

to　be　roused　ever　again　into　the　telling　of　tales；　and　you　yet　wish

for　the　story；　I　will　here　set　it　down　for　you。



But　I　cannot　recount　it　to　you　as　they　told　it　to　me；　for　to　me　it

was　only　a　tale　that　I　heard　and　remembered；　thinking　to　tell　it

again　for　profit；　while　to　them　it　was　a　thing　that　had　been；　and　the

threads　of　it　were　interwoven　with　the　woof　of　their　own　life。　　As

they　talked；　faces　that　I　did　not　see　passed　by　among　the　crowd　and

turned　and　looked　at　them；　and　voices　that　I　did　not　hear　spoke　to

them　below　the　clamour　of　the　street；　so　that　through　their　thin

piping　voices　there　quivered　the　deep　music　of　life　and　death；　and　my

tale　must　be　to　theirs　but　as　a　gossip's　chatter　to　the　story　of　him

whose　breast　has　felt　the　press　of　battle。





John　Ingerfield；　oil　and　tallow　refiner；　of　Lavender　Wharf；

Limehouse；　comes　of　a　hard…headed；　hard…fisted　stock。　　The　first　of

the　race　that　the　eye　of　Record；　piercing　the　deepening　mists　upon

the　centuries　behind　her；　is　able　to　discern　with　any　clearness　is　a

long…haired；　sea…bronzed　personage；　whom　men　call　variously　Inge　or

Unger。　　Out　of　the　wild　North　Sea　he　has　come。　　Record　observes　him；

one　of　a　small；　fierce　group；　standing　on　the　sands　of　desolate

Northumbria；　staring　landward；　his　worldly　wealth　upon　his　back。

This　consists　of　a　two…handed　battle…axe；　value　perhaps　some　forty

stycas　in　the　currency　of　the　time。　　A　careful　man；　with　business

capabilities；　may；　however；　manipulate　a　small　capital　to　great

advantage。　　In　what　would　appear；　to　those　accustomed　to　our　slow

modern　methods；　an　incredibly　short　space　of　time；　Inge's　two…handed

battle…axe　has　developed　into　wide　lands　and　many　head　of　cattle；

which　latter　continue　to　multiply　with　a　rapidity　beyond　the　dreams

of　present…day　breeders。　　Inge's　descendants　would　seem　to　have

inherited　the　genius　of　their　ancestor；　for　they　prosper　and　their

worldly　goods　increase。　　They　are　a　money…making　race。　　In　all　times；

out　of　all　things；　by　all　means；　they　make　money。　　They　fight　for

money；　marry　for　money；　live　for　money；　are　ready　to　die　for　money。



In　the　days　when　the　most　saleable　and　the　highest　priced　article　in

the　markets　of　Europe　was　a　strong　arm　and　a　cool　head；　then　each

Ingerfield　（as　〃Inge；〃　long　rooted　in　Yorkshire　soil；　had　grown　or

been　corrupted　to）　was　a　soldier　of　fortune；　and　offered　his　strong

arm　and　his　cool　head　to　the　highest　bidder。　　They　fought　for　their

price；　and　they　took　good　care　that　they　obtained　their　price；　but；

the　price　settled；　they　fought　well；　for　they　were　staunch　men　and

true；　according　to　their　lights；　though　these　lights　may　have　been

placed　somewhat　low　down；　near　the　earth。



Then　followed　the　days　when　the　chief　riches　of　the　world　lay　tossed

for　daring　hands　to　grasp　upon　the　bosom　of　the　sea；　and　the　sleeping

spirit　of　the　old　Norse　Rover　stirred　in　their　veins；　and　the　lilt　of

a　wild　sea…song　they　had　never　heard　kept　ringing　in　their　ears；　and

they　built　them　ships　and　sailed　for　the　Spanish　Main；　and　won　much

wealth；　as　was　their　wont。



Later　on；　when　Civilisation　began　to　lay　down　and　enforce　sterner

rules　for　the　game　of　life；　and　peaceful　methods　promised　to　prove

more　profitable　than　violent；　the　Ingerfields　became　traders　and

merchants　of　grave　mien　and　sober　life；　for　their　ambition　from

generation　to　generation　remains　ever　the　same；　their　various

callings　being　but　means　to　an　end。



A　hard；　stern　race　of　men　they　would　seem　to　have　been；　but　justso

far　as　they　understood　justice。　　They　have　the　reputation　of　having

been　good　husbands；　fathers；　and　masters；　but　one　cannot　help

thinking　of　them　as　more　respected　than　loved。



They　were　men　to　exact　the　uttermost　farthing　due　to　them；　yet　not

without　a　sense　of　the　thing　due　from　them；　their　own　duty　and

responsibilitynay；　not　altogether　without　their　moments　of　heroism；

which　is　the　duty　of　great　men。　　History　relates　how　a　certain

Captain　Ingerfield；　returning　with　much　treasure　from　the　West

Indieshow　acquired　it　were；　perhaps；　best　not　to　inquire　too

closelyis　overhauled　upon　the　high　seas　by　King's　frigate。　　Captain

of　King's　frigate　sends　polite　message　to　Captain　Ingerfield

requesting　him　to　be　so　kind　as　to　promptly　hand　over　a　certain

member　of　his　ship's　company；　who；　by　some　means　or　another；　has　made

himself　objectionable　to　King's　friends；　in　order　that　he　（the　said

objectionable　person）　may　be　forthwith　hanged　from　the　yard…arm。



Captain　Ingerfield　returns　polite　answer　to　Captain　of　King's　frigate

that　he　（Captain　Ingerfield）　will；　with　much　pleasure；　hang　any

member　of　his　ship's　company　that　needs　hanging；　but　that　neither　the

King　of　England　nor　any　one　else　on　God　Almighty's　sea　is　going　to　do

it　for　him。　　Captain　of　King's　frigate　sends　back　word　that　if

objectionable　person　be　not　at　once　given　up　he　shall　be　compelled

with　much　regret　to　send　Ingerfield　and　his　ship　to　the　bottom　of　the

Atlantic。　　Replies　Captain　Ingerfield；　〃That　is　just　what　he　will

have　to　do　before　I　give　up　one　of　my　people；〃　and　fights　the　big

frigatefights　it　so　fiercely　that　after　three　hours　Captain　of

King's　frigate　thinks　it　will　be　good　to　try　argument　again；　and

sends　therefore　a　further　message；　courteously　acknowledging　Captain

Ingerfield's　courage　and　skill；　and　suggesting　that；　he　having　done

sufficient　to　vindicate　his　honour　and　renown；　it　would　be　politic　to

now　hand　over　the　unimportant　cause　of　contention；　and　so　escape　with

his　treasure。



〃Tell　your　Captain；〃　shouts　back　this　Ingerfield；　who　has　discovered

there　are　sweeter　things　to　fight　for　than　even　money；　〃that　the　Wild

Goose　has　flown　the　seas　with　her　belly