jane eyre(简·爱)-第13部分
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spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs。 We are； and must be；
one and all； burdened with faults in this world： but the time will
soon come when； I trust； we shall put them off in putting off our
corruptible bodies； when debasement and sin will fall from us with
this cumbrous frame of flesh； and only the spark of the spirit will
remain；… the impalpable principle of light and thought； pure as when
it left the Creator to inspire the creature： whence it came it will
return； perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than
man… perhaps to pass through gradations of glory； from the pale
human soul to brighten to the seraph！ Surely it Will never； on the
contrary； be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend？ No； I cannot
believe that： I hold another creed： which no one ever taught me； and
which I seldom mention； but in which I delight； and to which I
cling： for it extends hope to all： it makes Eternity a rest… a
mighty home； not a terror and an abyss。 Besides； with this creed； I
can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime； I can
so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last： with this creed
revenge never worries my heart； degradation never too deeply
disgusts me； injustice never crushes me too low： I live in calm；
looking to the end。'
Helen's head； always drooping； sank a little lower as she
finished this sentence。 I saw by her look she wished no longer to talk
to me； but rather to converse with her own thoughts。 She was not
allowed much time for meditation： a monitor； a great rough girl；
presently came up； exclaiming in a strong Cumberland accent…
'Helen Burns； if you don't go and put your drawer in order； and
fold up your work this minute； I'll tell Miss Scatcherd to come and
look at it！'
Helen sighed as her reverie fled； and getting up； obeyed the
monitor without reply as without delay。
CHAPTER VII
MY first quarter at Lowood seemed an age； and not the golden age
either； it comprised an irksome struggle with difficulties in
habituating myself to new rules and unwonted tasks。 The fear of
failure in these points harassed me worse than the physical
hardships of my lot； though these were no trifles。
During January； February； and part of March； the deep snows； and；
after their melting； the almost impassable roads； prevented our
stirring beyond the garden walls； except to go to church； but within
these limits we had to pass an hour every day in the open air。 Our
clothing was insufficient to protect us from the severe cold： we had
no boots； the snow got into our shoes and melted there： our ungloved
hands became numbed and covered with chilblains； as were our feet： I
remember well the distracting irritation I endured from this cause
every evening； when my feet inflamed； and the torture of thrusting the
swelled； raw； and stiff toes into my shoes in the morning。 Then the
scanty supply of food was distressing： with the keen appetites of
growing children； we had scarcely sufficient to keep alive a
delicate invalid。 From this deficiency of nourishment resulted an
abuse； which pressed hardly on the younger pupils： whenever the
famished great girls had an opportunity； they would coax or menace the
little ones out of their portion。 Many a time I have shared between
two claimants the precious morsel of brown bread distributed at
teatime； and after relinquishing to a third half the contents of my
mug of coffee； I have swallowed the remainder with an accompaniment of
secret tears； forced from me by the exigency of hunger。
Sundays were dreary days in that wintry season。 We had to walk
two miles to Brocklebridge Church； where our patron officiated。 We set
out cold； we arrived at church colder： during the morning service we
became almost paralysed。 It was too far to return to dinner； and an
allowance of cold meat and bread； in the same penurious proportion
observed in our ordinary meals； was served round between the services。
At the close of the afternoon service we returned by an exposed and
hilly road； where the bitter winter wind； blowing over a range of
snowy summits to the north； almost flayed the skin from our faces。
I can remember Miss Temple walking lightly and rapidly along our
drooping line； her plaid cloak； which the frosty wind fluttered；
gathered close about her； and encouraging us； by precept and
example； to keep up our spirits； and march forward； as she said； 'like
stalwart soldiers。' The other teachers； poor things； were generally
themselves too much dejected to attempt the task of cheering others。
How we longed for the light and heat of a blazing fire when we
got back！ But； to the little ones at least； this was denied： each
hearth in the schoolroom was immediately surrounded by a double row of
great girls； and behind them the younger children crouched in
groups； wrapping their starved arms in their pinafores。
A little solace came at tea…time； in the shape of a double ration
of bread… a whole； instead of a half； slice… with the delicious
addition of a thin scrape of butter： it was the hebdomadal treat to
which we all looked forward from Sabbath to Sabbath。 I generally
contrived to reserve a moiety of this bounteous repast for myself； but
the remainder I was invariably obliged to part with。
The Sunday evening was spent in repeating； by heart； the Church
Catechism； and the fifth； sixth； and seventh chapters of St。
Matthew； and in listening to a long sermon； read by Miss Miller； whose
irrepressible yawns attested her weariness。 A frequent interlude of
these performances was the enactment of the part of Eutychus by some
half…dozen of little girls； who； overpowered with sleep； would fall
down； if not out of the third loft； yet off the fourth form； and be
taken up half dead。 The remedy was； to thrust them forward into the
centre of the schoolroom； and oblige them to stand there till the
sermon was finished。 Sometimes their feet failed them； and they sank
together in a heap； they were then propped up with the monitors'
high stools。
I have not yet alluded to the visits of Mr。 Brocklehurst； and
indeed that gentleman was from home during the greater part of the
first month after my arrival； perhaps prolonging his stay with his
friend the archdeacon： his absence was a relief to me。 I need not
say that I had my own reasons for dreading his coming： but come he did
at last。
One afternoon （I had then been three weeks at Lowood）； as I was
sitting with a slate in my hand； puzzling over a sum in long division；
my eyes； raised in abstraction to the window； caught sight of a figure
just passing： I recognised almost instinctively that gaunt outline；
and when； two minutes after； all the school； teachers included； rose
en masse； it was not necessary for me to look up in order to ascertain
whose entrance they thus greeted。 A long stride measured the
schoolroom； and presently beside Miss Temple； who herself had risen；
stood the same black column which had frowned on me so ominously
from the hearthrug of Gateshead。 I now glanced sideways at this
piece of architecture。 Yes； I was right： it was Mr。 Brocklehurst；
buttoned up in a surtout； and looking longer； narrower； and more rigid
than ever。
I had my own reasons for being dismayed at this apparition； too
well I remembered the perfidious hints given by Mrs。 Reed about my
disposition； etc。； the promise pledged by Mr。 Brocklehurst to
apprise Miss Temple and the teachers of my vicious nature。 All along I
had been dreading the fulfilment of this promise；… I had been
looking out daily for the 'Coming Man；' whose information respecting
my past life and conversation was to brand me as a bad child for ever：
now there he was。
He stood at Miss Temple's side； he was speaking low in her ear： I
did not doubt he was making disclosures of my villainy； and I
watched her eye with painful anxiety； expecting every moment to see
its dark orb turn on me a glance of repugnance and contempt。 I
listened too； and as I happened to be seated quite at the top of the
room； I caught most of what he said： its import relieved me from
immediate apprehension。
'I suppose； Miss Temple； the thread I bought at Lowton will do；
it struck me that it would be just of the quality for the calico
chemises； and I sorted the needles to match。 You may tell Miss Smith
that I forgot to make a memorandum of the darning needles； but she
shall have some papers sent in next week； and she is not； on any
account； to give out more than one at a time to each pupil： if they
have more； they are apt to be careless and lose them。 And； O ma'am！
I wish the woollen stockings were better looked to！… when I was here
last； I went into the kitchen…garden and examined the clothes drying
on the line； there was a quantity of black hose in a very bad state of
repair： from the size of the holes in them I was sure they had not
been well mended from time to time。'
He paused。
'Your directions shall be attended to； sir；' said Miss Temple。
'And； ma'am；' he continued； 'the laundress tells me some of the
girls have two clean tuckers in the week： it is too much； the rules
limit them to one。'
'I think I can explain that circumstance； sir。 Agnes and
Catherine Johnstone were invited to take tea with some friends at
Lowton last Thursday； and I gave them leave to put on clean tuckers
for the occasion。'
Mr。 Brocklehurst nodded。
'Well； for once it may pass； but please not to let the circumstance
occur too often。 And there is another thing which surprised me； I
find； in settling accounts with the housekeeper； that a lunch；
consisting of bread and cheese； has twice been served out to the girls
during the past fortnight。 How is this？ I looked over the regulations；
and I find no such meal as lunch mentioned。 Who introduced this
innovation？ and by what authority？'
'I must be responsible for the circumstance； sir；' replied Miss
Temple： 'the breakfast was so ill prepared that the pupils could not
possibly eat it； and I dared not allow them to remain fasting till
dinner…
