hemingway, ernest - for whom the bell tolls-第33部分
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g less。 So I am no romantic glorifier of the Spanish Woman nor did I ever think of a casual piece as anything much other than a casual piece in any country。 But when I am with Maria I love her so that I feel； literally； as though I would die and I never believed in that nor thought that it could happen。
So if your life trades its seventy years for seventy hours I have that value now and I am lucky enough to know it。 And if there is not any such thing as a long time； nor the rest of your lives； nor from now on； but there is only now； why then now is the thing to praise and I am very happy with it。 Now； _ahora_； _maintenant_； _heute_。 _Now_； it has a funny sound to be a whole world and your life。 _Esta noche_； tonight； _ce soir_； _heute abend_。 Life and wife； _Vie_ and _Mari_。 No it didn't work out。 The French turned it into husband。 There was now and _frau_； but that did not prove anything either。 Take dead； _mort_； _muerto_； and _todt_。 _Todt_ was the deadest of them all。 War； _guerre_； _guerra_； and _krieg_。 _Krieg_ was the most like war； or was it？ Or was it only that he knew German the least well？ Sweetheart； _ch閞ie_； _prenda_； and _schatz_。 He would trade them all for Maria。 There was a name。
Well； they would all be doing it together and it would not be long now。 It certainly looked worse all the time。 It was just something that you could not bring off in the morning。 In an impossible situation you hang on until night to get away。 You try to last out until night to get back in。 You are all right； maybe； if you can stick it out until dark and then get in。 So what if you start this sticking it out at daylight？ How about that？ And that poor bloody Sordo abandoning his pidgin Spanish to explain it to him so carefully。 As though he had not thought about that whenever he had done any particularly bad thinking ever since Golz had first mentioned it。 As though he hadn't been living with that like a lump of undigested dough in the pit of his stomach ever since the night before the night before last。
What a business。 You go along your whole life and they seem as though they mean something and they always end up not meaning anything。 There was never any of what this is。 You think that is one thing that you will never have。 And then； on a lousy show like this； co…ordinating two chicken…crut guerilla bands to help you blow a bridge under impossible conditions； to abort a counteroffensive that will probably already be started； you run into a girl like this Maria。 Sure。 That is what you would do。 You ran into her rather late； that was all。
So a woman like that Pilar practically pushed this girl into your sleeping bag and what happens？ Yes； what happens？ What happens？ You tell me what happens； please。 Yes。 That is just what happens。 That is exactly what happens。
Don't lie to yourself about Pilar pushing her into your sleeping robe and try to make it nothing or to make it lousy。 You were gone when you first saw her。 When she first opened her mouth and spoke to you it was there already and you know it。 Since you have it and you never thought you would have it； there is no sense throwing dirt at it； when you know what it is and you know it came the first time you looked at her as she came out bent over carrying that iron cooking platter。
It hit you then and you know it and so why lie about it？ You went all strange inside every time you looked at her and every time she looked at you。 So why don't you admit it？ All right； I'll admit it。 And as for Pilar pushing her onto you； all Pilar did was be an intelligent woman。 She had taken good care of the girl and she saw what was coming the minute the girl came back into the cave with the cooking dish。
So she made things easier。 She made things easier so that there was last night and this afternoon。 She is a damned sight more civilized than you are and she knows what time is all about。 Yes； he said to himself； I think we can admit that she has certain notions about the value of time。 She took a beating and all because she did not want other people losing what she'd lost and then the idea of admitting it was lost was too big a thing to swallow。 So she took a beating back there on the hill and I guess we did not make it any easier for her。
Well； so that is what happens and what has happened and you might as well admit it and now you will never have two whole nights with her。 Not a lifetime； not to live together； not to have what people were always supposed to have； not at all。 One night that is past； once one afternoon； one night to come； maybe。 No； sir。
Not time； not happiness； not fun； not children； not a house； not a bathroom； not a clean pair of pajamas； not the morning paper； not to wake up together； not to wake and know she's there and that you're not alone。 No。 None of that。 But why； when this is all you are going to get in life of what you want； when you have found it； why not just one night in a bed with sheets？
You ask for the impossible。 You ask for the ruddy impossible。 So if you love this girl as much as you say you do； you had better love her very hard and make up in intensity what the relation will lack in duration and in continuity。 Do you hear that？ In the old days people devoted a lifetime to it。 And now when you have found it if you get two nights you wonder where all the luck came from。 Two nights。 Two nights to love； honor and cherish。 For better and for worse。 In sickness and in death。 No that wasn't it。 In sickness and in health。 Till death do us part。 In two nights。 Much more than likely。 Much more than likely and now lay off that sort of thinking。 You can stop that now。 That's not good for you。 Do nothing that is not good for you。 Sure that's it。
This was what Golz had talked about。 The longer he was around； the smarter Golz seemed。 So this was what he was asking about； the compensation of irregular service。 Had Golz had this and was it the urgency and the lack of time and the circumstances that made it？ Was this something that happened to every one given comparable circumstances？ And did he only think it was something special because it was happening to him？ Had Golz slept around in a hurry when he was commanding irregular cavalry in the Red Army and had the combination of the circumstances and the rest of it made the girls seem the way Maria was？
Probably Golz knew all about this too and wanted to make the point that you must make your whole life in the two nights that are given to you； that living as we do now you must concentrate all of that which you should always have into the short time that you can have it。
It was a good system of belief。 But he did not believe that Maria had only been made by the circumstances。 Unless； of course； she is a reaction from her own circumstance as well as his。 Her one circumstance is not so good； he thought。 No； not so good。
If this was how it was then this was how it was。 But there was no law that made him say he liked it。 I did not know that I could ever feel what I have felt； he thought。 Nor that this could happen to me。 I would like to have it for my whole life。 You will； the other part of him said。 You will。 You have it _now_ and that is all your whole life is； now。 There is nothing else than now。 There is neither yesterday； certainly； nor is there any tomorrow。 How old must you be before you know that？ There is only now； and if now is only two days； then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion。 This is how you live a life in two days。 And if you stop complaining and asking for what you never will get； you will have a good life。 A good life is not measured by any biblical span。
So now do not worry； take what you have； and do your work and you will have a long life and a very merry one。 Hasn't it been merry lately？ What are you complaining about？ That's the thing about this sort of work； he told himself； and was very pleased with the thought； it isn't so much what you learn as it is the people you meet。 He was pleased then because he was joking and he came back to the girl。
〃I love you； rabbit；〃 he said to the girl。 〃What was it you were saying？〃
〃I was saying；〃 she told him； 〃that you must not worry about your work because I will not bother you nor interfere。 If there is anything I can do you will tell me。〃
〃There's nothing；〃 he said。 〃It is really very simple。〃
〃I will learn from Pilar what I should do to take care of a man well and those things I will do；〃 Maria said。 〃Then； as I learn； I will discover things for myself and other things you can tell me。〃
〃There is nothing to do。〃
〃_Qu椤a_； man； there is nothing！ Thy sleeping robe； this morning； should have been shaken and aired and hung somewhere in the sun。 Then； before the dew comes； it should be taken into shelter。〃
〃Go on； rabbit。〃
〃Thy socks should be washed and dried。 I would see thee had two pair。〃
〃What else？〃
〃If thou would show me I would clean and oil thy pistol。〃
〃Kiss me；〃 Robert Jordan said。
〃Nay； this is serious。 Wilt thou show me about the pistol？ Pilar has rags and oil。 There is a cleaning rod inside the cave that should fit it。〃
〃Sure。 I'll show you。〃
〃Then；〃 Maria said。 〃If you will teach me to shoot it either one of us could shoot the other and himself； or herself； if one were wounded and it were necessary to avoid capture。〃
〃Very interesting；〃 Robert Jordan said。 〃Do you have many ideas like that？〃
〃Not many；〃 Maria said。 〃But it is a good one。 Pilar gave me this and showed me how to use it；〃 she opened the breast pocket of her shirt and took out a cut…down leather holder such as pocket combs are carried in and； removing a wide rubber band that closed both ends； took out a Gem type； single…edged razor blade。 〃I keep this always；〃 she explained。 〃Pilar says you must make the cut here just below the ear and draw it toward here。〃 She showed him with her finger。 〃She says there is a big artery there and that drawing the blade from there you cannot miss it。 Also； she says there is no pain and you must simply press firmly below the ear and draw it downward。 She says it is nothing and that they cannot stop it if it is done。〃
〃That's right；〃 said Robert Jordan。 〃That's the carotid artery。〃
So she goes around with that all the time； he thought； as a definitely accepted and properly organized poss
