the sleeping-car - a farce-第1部分

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The　Sleeping…Car　…　A　Farce



by　William　D。　Howells










I。





SCENE：　　One　side　of　a　sleeping…car　on　the　Boston　and　Albany　Road。

The　curtains　are　drawn　before　most　of　the　berths；　from　the　hooks　and

rods　hang　hats；　bonnets；　bags；　bandboxes；　umbrellas；　and　other

travelling　gear；　on　the　floor　are　boots　of　both　sexes；　set　out　for

THE　PORTER　to　black。　　THE　PORTER　is　making　up　the　beds　in　the　upper

and　lower　berths　adjoining　the　seats　on　which　a　young　mother；　slender

and　pretty；　with　a　baby　asleep　on　the　seat　beside　her；　and　a　stout

old　lady；　sit　confronting　each　otherMRS。　AGNES　ROBERTS　and　her　aunt

MARY。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Do　you　always　take　down　your　back　hair；　aunty？



AUNT　MARY。　　No；　never；　child；　at　least　not　since　I　had　such　a　fright

about　it　once；　coming　on　from　New　York。　　It's　all　well　enough　to　take

down　your　back　hair　if　it　IS　yours；　but　if　it　isn't；　your　head's　the

best　place　for　it。　　Now；　as　I　buy　mine　of　Madame　Pierrot　…



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Don't　you　WISH　she　wouldn't　advertise　it　as　HUMAN

hair？　　It　sounds　so　pokerishlike　human　flesh；　you　know。



AUNT　MARY。　　Why；　she　couldn't　call　it　INhuman　hair；　my　dear。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（thoughtfully）。　　Nojust　HAIR。



AUNT　MARY。　　Then　people　might　think　it　was　for　mattresses。　　But；　as　I

was　saying；　I　took　it　off　that　night；　and　tucked　it　safely　away；　as　I

supposed；　in　my　pocket；　and　I　slept　sweetly　till　about　midnight；　when

I　happened　to　open　my　eyes；　and　saw　something　long　and　black　crawl

off　my　bed　and　slip　under　the　berth。　　SUCH　a　shriek　as　I　gave；　my

dear！　　〃A　snake！　a　snake！　oh；　a　snake！〃　And　everybody　began　talking

at　once；　and　some　of　the　gentlemen　swearing；　and　the　porter　came

running　with　the　poker　to　kill　it；　and　all　the　while　it　was　that

ridiculous　switch　of　mine；　that　had　worked　out　of　my　pocket。　　And

glad　enough　I　was　to　grab　it　up　before　anybody　saw　it；　and　say　I　must

have　been　dreaming。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Why；　aunty；　how　funny！　　How　COULD　you　suppose　a

serpent　could　get　on　board　a　sleeping…car；　of　all　places　in　the

world！



AUNT　MARY。　　That　was　the　perfect　absurdity　of　it。



THE　PORTER。　　Berths　ready　now；　ladies。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（to　THE　PORTER；　who　walks　away　to　the　end　of　the　car；

and　sits　down　near　the　door）。　　Oh；　thank　you。　　Aunty；　do　you　feel

nervous　the　least　bit？



AUNT　MARY。　　Nervous？　　No。　　Why？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Well；　I　don't　know。　　I　suppose　I've　been　worked　up　a

little　about　meeting　Willis；　and　wondering　how　he'll　look；　and　all。

We　can't　KNOW　each　other；　of　course。　　It　doesn't　stand　to　reason　that

if　he's　been　out　there　for　twelve　years；　ever　since　I　was　a　child；

though　we've　corresponded　regularlyat　least　_I_　havethat　he　could

recognize　me；　not　at　the　first　glance；　you　know。　　He'll　have　a　full

beard；　and　then　I've　got　married；　and　here's　the　baby。　　Oh；　NO！　he'll

never　guess　who　it　is　in　the　world。　　Photographs　really　amount　to

nothing　in　such　a　case。　　I　wish　we　were　at　home；　and　it　was　all　over。

I　wish　he　had　written　some　particulars；　instead　of　telegraphing　from

Ogden；　〃Be　with　you　on　the　7　A。M。；　Wednesday。〃



AUNT　MARY。　　Californians　always　telegraph；　my　dear；　they　never　think

of　writing。　　It　isn't　expensive　enough；　and　it　doesn't　make　your

blood　run　cold　enough　to　get　a　letter；　and　so　they　send　you　one　of

those　miserable　yellow　despatches　whenever　they　canthose　printed　in

a　long　string；　if　possible；　so　that　you'll　be　SURE　to　die　before　you

get　to　the　end　of　it。　　I　suppose　your　brother　has　fallen　into　all

those　ways；　and　says　〃reckon〃　and　〃ornary〃　and　〃which　the　same；〃　just

like　one　of　Mr。　Bret　Harte's　characters。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　But　it　isn't　exactly　our　not　knowing　each　other；

aunty；　that's　worrying　me；　that's　something　that　could　be　got　over　in

time。　　What　is　simply　driving　me　distracted　is　Willis　and　Edward

meeting　there　when　I'm　away　from　home。　　Oh；　how　COULD　I　be　away！　and

why　COULDN'T　Willis　have　given　us　fair　warning？　　I　would　have　hurried

from　the　ends　of　the　earth　to　meet　him。　　I　don't　believe　poor　Edward

ever　saw　a　Californian；　and　he's　so　quiet　and　preoccupied；　I'm　sure

he'd　never　get　on　with　Willis。　　And　if　Willis　is　the　least　loud；　he

wouldn't　like　Edward。　　Not　that　I　suppose　he　IS　loud；　but　I　don't

believe　he　knows　anything　about　literary　men。　　But　you　can　see；

aunty；　can't　you；　how　very　anxious　I　must　be？　　Don't　you　see　that　I

ought　to　have　been　there　when　Willis　and　Edward　met；　so　as　toto

well；　to　BREAK　them　to　each　other；　don't　you　know？



AUNT　MARY。　　Oh；　you　needn't　be　troubled　about　that；　Agnes。　　I　dare

say　they've　got　on　perfectly　well　together。　　Very　likely　they're

sitting　down　to　the　unwholesomest　hot　supper　this　instant　that　the

ingenuity　of　man　could　invent。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　do　you　THINK　they　are；　aunty？　　Oh；　if　I　could　ONLY

believe　they　were　sitting　down　to　a　hot　supper　together　now；　I　should

be　SO　happy！　　They'd　be　sure　to　get　on　if　they　were。　　There's　nothing

like　eating　to　make　men　friendly　with　each　other。　　Don't　you　know；　at

receptions；　how　they　never　have　anything　to　say　to　each　other　till

the　escalloped　oysters　and　the　chicken　salad　appear；　and　then　how

sweet　they　are　as　soon　as　they've　helped　the　ladies　to　ice？　　Oh；

thank　you；　THANK　you；　aunty；　for　thinking　of　the　hot　supper。　　It's

such　a　relief　to　my　mind！　　You　can　understand；　can't　you；　aunty　dear；

how　anxious　I　must　have　been　to　have　my　only　brother　and　my　onlymy

husbandget　on　nicely　together？　　My　life　would　be　a　wreck；　simply　a

wreck；　if　they　didn't。　　And　Willis　and　I　not　having　seen　each　other

since　I　was　a　child　makes　it　all　the　worse。　　I　do　HOPE　they're

sitting　down　to　a　hot　supper。



AN　ANGRY　VOICE　from　the　next　berth　but　one。　　I　wish　people　in

sleeping…cars　…



A　VOICE　from　the　berth　beyond　that。　　You're　mistaken　in　your

premises；　sir。　　This　is　a　waking…car。　　Ladies；　go　on；　and　oblige　an

eager　listener。



＇Sensation；　and　smothered　laughter　from　the　other　berths。＇



MRS。　ROBERTS　（after　a　space　of　terrified　silence；　in　a　loud　whisper

to　her　AUNT。）　　What　horrid　things！　　But　now　we　really　must　go　to　bed。

It　WAS　too　bad　to　keep　talking。　　I'd　no　idea　my　voice　was　getting　so

loud。　　Which　berth　will　you　have；　aunty？　　I'd　better　take　the　upper

one；　because　…



AUNT　MARY　（whispering）。　　No；　no；　I　must　take　that；　so　that　you　can　be

with　the　baby　below。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　how　good　you　are；　Aunt　Mary！　　It's　too　bad；　it　is

really。　　I　can't　let　you。



AUNT　MARY。　　Well；　then；　you　must；　that's　all。　　You　know　how　that

child　tosses　and　kicks　about　in　the　night。　　You　never　can　tell　where

his　head's　going　to　be　in　the　morning；　but　you'll　probably　find　it　at

the　foot　of　the　bed。　　I　couldn't　sleep　an　instant；　my　dear；　if　I

thought　that　boy　was　in　the　upper　berth；　for　I'd　be　sure　of　his

tumbling　out　over　you。　　Here；　let　me　lay　him　down。　　＇She　lays　the

baby　in　the　lower　berth。＇　　There！　　Now　get　in；　Agnesdo；　and　leave

me　to　my　struggle　with　the　attraction　of　gravitation。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　POOR　aunty；　how　will　you　ever　manage　it？　　I　MUST

help　you　up。



AUNT　MARY。　　No；　my　dear；　don't　be　foolish。　　But　you　may　go　and　call

the　porter；　if　you　like。　　I　dare　say　he's　used　to　it。



＇MRS。　ROBERTS　goes　and　speak　timidly　to　THE　PORTER；　who　fails　at

first　to　understand；　then　smiles　broadly；　accepts　a　quarter　with　a

duck　of　his　head；　and　comes　forward　to　AUNT　MARY'S　side。＇



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Had　he　better　give　you　his　hand　to　rest　your　foot　in；

while　you　spring　up　as　if　you　were　mounting　horseback？



AUNT　MARY　（with　disdain）。　　SPRING！　　My　dear；　I　haven't　sprung　for　a

quarter　of　a　century。　　I　shall　require　every　fibre　in　the　man's　body。

His　hand；　indeed！　　You　get　in　first；　Agnes。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I　will；　aunty　dear；　but　…



AUNT　MARY　（sternly）。　　Agnes；　do　as　I　say。　　＇MRS。　ROBERTS　crouches

down　on　the　lower　berth。＇　　I　don't　choose　that　any　member　of　my

family　shall　witness　my　contortions。　　Don't　you　look。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　No；　no；　aunty。



AUNT　MARY。　　Now；　porter；　are　you　strong？



PORTER。　　I　used　to　be　porter　at　a　Saratoga　hotel；　and　carried　up　de

ladies'　trunks　dere。



AUNT　MARY。　　Then　you'll　do；　I　think。　　Now；　then；　your　knee；　now　your

back。　　There！　　And　very　handsomely　done。　　Thanks。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Are　you　really　in；　Aunt　Mary？



AUNT　MARY　（dryly）。　　Yes。　　Good…night。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Good…night；　aunty。　　＇After　a　pause　of　some　minutes。＇

Aunty！



AUNT　MARY。　　Well；　what？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Do　you　think　it's　perfectly　safe？



＇She　rises　in　her　berth；　and　looks　up　over　the　edge　of　the　upper。＇



AUNT　MARY。　　I　suppose　so。　　It's　a　well…managed　road。　　They've　got　the

air…brake；　I've　heard；　and　the　Miller　platform；　and　all　those　horrid

things。　　What　makes　you　introduce　such　unpleasant　subjects？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　I　don't　mean　accidents。　　But；　you　know；　when　you

turn；　it　does　creak　so　awfully。　　I　shouldn't　mind　myself；　but　the

baby　…



AUNT　MARY。　　Why；　child；　do　you　think　I'm　going　to　break　through？　　I

couldn't。　　I'm　one　of　the　LIGHTEST　sleepers　in　the　world。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Yes；　I　know　you're　a　light　sleeper；　butbut　it

doesn't　seem　quite　the　same　thing；　somehow。



AUNT　MARY。　　But　it　is；　it's　quite　the　same　thing；　and　you　can　be

perfectly　easy　in　your　mind；　my　dear。　　I　should　be　quite　as　loth　to

break　through　as　you　would　to　have　me。　　Good…night。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Yes；　good…night；　Aunty！



AUNT　MARY。　　Well？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　You　ought　to　just　see　him；　how　he's　lying。　　He's　a

perfect　log。　　COULDN'T　you　just　bend　over；　and　peep　down　at　him　a

moment？



AUNT　MARY。　　Bend　over！　　It　would　be　the　death　of　me。　　Good…night。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Good…night。　　Did　you　put　the　glass　into　my　bag　or

yours？　　I　feel　so　very　thirsty；　and　I　want　to　go　and　get　some　water。

I'm　sure　I　don't　know　why　I　should　be　thirsty。　　Are　you；　Aunt　Mary？

Ah！　here　it　is。　　Don't　disturb　yourself；　aunty；　I've　found　it。　　It

was　in　my　bag；　just　where　I'd　put　it　mys