5 midnigh+sun-第11部分

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out　other　voices。　　I　had　to　concentrate　on　the　music　very　hard　to　keep　myself　from　
drifting　back　to　Mike　Newton's　thoughts；　to　spy　on　the　unsuspecting　girl？　
I　cheated　a　few　times；　as　the　hour　drew　to　a　close。　　Not　spying；　I　tried　to　convince　
myself。　　I　was　just　preparing。　　I　wanted　to　know　exactly　when　she　would　leave　the　gym；　
when　she　would　be　in　the　parking　lot。　　I　didn't　want　her　to　take　me　by　surprise。　
As　the　students　started　to　file　out　of　the　gym　doors；　I　got　out　of　my　car；　not　sure　
why　I　did　it。　　The　rain　was　light—I　ignored　it　as　it　slowly　saturated　my　hair。　
Did　I　want　her　to　see　me　here？　　Did　I　hope　she　would　come　to　speak　to　me？　　What　
was　I　doing？　
I　didn't　move；　though　I　tried　to　convince　myself　to　get　back　in　the　car；　knowing　
my　behavior　was　reprehensible。　　I　kept　my　arms　folded　across　my　chest　and　breathed　
very　shallowly　as　I　watched　her　walk　slowly　toward　me；　her　mouth　turning　down　at　the　
corners。　　She　didn't　look　at　me。　　A　few　times　she　glanced　up　at　the　clouds　with　a　grimace；　
as　if　they　offended　her。　
I　was　disappointed　when　she　reached　her　car　before　she　had　to　pass　me。　　Would　
she　have　spoken　to　me？　　Would　I　have　spoken　to　her？　
She　got　into　a　faded　red　Chevy　truck；　a　rusted　behemoth　that　was　older　than　her　
father。　　I　watched　her　start　the　truck—the　old　engine　roared　louder　than　any　other　vehicle　
in　the　lot—and　then　hold　her　hands　out　toward　the　heating　vents。　　The　cold　was　
uncomfortable　to　her—she　didn't　like　it。　　She　combed　her　fingers　through　her　thick　hair；　
pulling　locks　through　the　stream　of　hot　air　like　she　was　trying　to　dry　them。　　I　imagined　
what　the　cab　of　that　truck　would　smell　like；　and　then　quickly　drove　out　the　thought。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
50　

She　glanced　around　as　she　prepared　to　back　out；　and　finally　looked　in　my　
direction。　　She　stared　back　at　me　for　only　half　a　second；　and　all　I　could　read　in　her　eyes　
was　surprise　before　she　tore　her　eyes　away　and　jerked　the　truck　into　reverse。　　And　then　
squealed　to　a　stop　again；　the　back　end　of　the　truck　missing　a　collision　with　Erin　Teague's　
compact　by　mere　inches。　
She　stared　into　her　rearview　mirror；　her　mouth　hanging　open　with　chagrin。　　When　
the　other　car　had　pulled　past　her；　she　checked　all　her　blind　spots　twice　and　then　inched　
out　the　parking　space　so　cautiously　that　it　made　me　grin。　　It　was　like　she　thought　she　was　
dangerous　in　her　decrepit　truck。　
The　thought　of　Bella　Swan　being　dangerous　to　anyone；　no　matter　what　she　was　
driving；　had　me　laughing　while　the　girl　drove　past　me；　staring　straight　ahead。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
51　
3。　Phenomenon　
Truly；　I　was　not　thirsty；　but　I　decided　to　hunt　again　that　night。　　A　small　ounce　of　
prevention；　inadequate　though　I　knew　it　to　be。　
Carlisle　came　with　me；　we　hadn't　been　alone　together　since　I'd　returned　from　
Denali。　　As　we　ran　through　the　black　forest；　I　heard　him　thinking　about　that　hasty　
goodbye　last　week。　
In　his　memory；　I　saw　the　way　my　features　had　been　twisted　in　fierce　despair。　　I　
felt　his　surprise　and　sudden　worry。　
〃Edward？〃　
〃I　have　to　go；　Carlisle。　　I　have　to　go　now。〃　
〃What's　happened？〃　
〃Nothing。　　Yet。　　But　it　will；　if　I　stay。〃　
He'd　reached　for　my　arm。　　I　felt　how　it　had　hurt　him　when　I'd　cringed　away　from　
his　hand。　
〃I　don't　understand。〃　
〃Have　you　ever？has　there　ever　been　a　time？〃　
I　watched　myself　take　a　deep　breath；　saw　the　wild　light　in　my　eyes　through　the　
filter　of　his　deep　concern。　
〃Has　any　one　person　ever　smelled　better　to　you　than　the　rest　of　them？　　Much　
better？〃　
〃Oh。〃　
When　I'd　known　that　he　understood；　my　face　had　fallen　with　shame。　　He'd　
reached　out　to　touch　me；　ignoring　it　when　I'd　recoiled　again；　and　left　his　hand　on　my　
shoulder。　
〃Do　what　you　must　to　resist；　son。　　I　will　miss　you。　　Here；　take　my　car。　　It's　
faster。〃　
He　was　wondering　now　if　he'd　done　the　right　thing　then；　sending　me　away。　
Wondering　if　he　hadn't　hurt　me　with　his　lack　of　trust。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
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〃No；〃　I　whispered　as　I　ran。　　〃That　was　what　I　needed。　　I　might　so　easily　have　
betrayed　that　trust；　if　you'd　told　me　to　stay。〃　
〃I'm　sorry　you're　suffering；　Edward。　　But　you　should　do　what　you　can　to　keep　the　
Swan　child　alive。　　Even　if　it　means　that　you　must　leave　us　again。〃　
〃I　know；　I　know。〃　
〃Why　did　you　come　back？　　You　know　how　happy　I　am　to　have　you　here；　but　if　
this　is　too　difficult？〃　
〃I　didn't　like　feeling　a　coward；〃　I　admitted。　
We'd　slowed—we　were　barely　jogging　through　the　darkness　now。　
〃Better　that　than　to　put　her　in　danger。　　She'll　be　gone　in　a　year　or　two。〃　
〃You're　right；　I　know　that。〃　　Contrarily；　though；　his　words　only　made　me　more　
anxious　to　stay。　　The　girl　would　be　gone　in　a　year　or　two？　
Carlisle　stopped　running　and　I　stopped　with　him；　he　turned　to　examine　my　
expression。　
But　you're　not　going　to　run；　are　you？　
I　hung　my　head。　
Is　it　pride；　Edward？　　There's　no　shame　in—　
〃No；　it　isn't　pride　that　keeps　me　here。　　Not　now。〃　
Nowhere　to　go？　
I　laughed　shortly。　　〃No。　　That　wouldn't　stop　me；　if　I　could　make　myself　leave。〃　
〃We'll　come　with　you；　of　course；　if　that's　what　you　need。　　You　only　have　to　ask。　
You've　moved　on　without　complaint　for　the　rest　of　them。　　They　won't　begrudge　you　
this。〃　
I　raised　one　eyebrow。　
He　laughed。　　〃Yes；　Rosalie　might；　but　she　owes　you。　　Anyway；　it's　much　better　
for　us　to　leave　now；　no　damage　done；　than　for　us　to　leave　later；　after　a　life　has　been　
ended。〃　　All　humor　was　gone　by　the　end。　
I　flinched　at　his　words。　
〃Yes；〃　I　agreed。　　My　voice　sounded　hoarse。　
But　you're　not　leaving？　
I　sighed。　　〃I　should。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
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〃What　holds　you　here；　Edward？　　I'm　failing　to　see？〃　
〃I　don't　know　if　I　can　explain。〃　　Even　to　myself；　it　made　no　sense。　
He　measured　my　expression　for　a　long　moment。　
No；　I　do　not　see。　　But　I　will　respect　your　privacy；　if　you　prefer。　
〃Thank　you。　　It's　generous　of　you；　seeing　as　how　I　give　privacy　to　no　one。〃　　With　
one　exception。　　And　I　was　doing　what　I　could　to　deprive　her　of　that；　wasn't　I？　
We　all　have　our　quirks。　　He　laughed　again。　　Shall　we？　
He'd　just　caught　the　scent　of　a　small　herd　of　deer。　　It　was　hard　to　rally　much　
enthusiasm　for　what　was；　even　under　the　best　of　circumstances；　a　less　than　
mouthwatering　aroma。　　Right　now；　with　the　memory　of　the　girl's　blood　fresh　in　my　mind；　
the　smell　actually　turned　my　stomach。　
I　sighed。　　〃Let's；〃　I　agreed；　though　I　knew　that　forcing　more　blood　down　my　
throat　would　help　so　little。　
We　both　shifted　into　a　hunting　crouch　and　let　the　unappealing　scent　pull　us　
silently　forward。　
It　was　colder　when　we　returned　home。　　The　melted　snow　had　refrozen；　it　was　as　if　a　thin　
sheet　of　glass　covered　everything—each　pine　needle；　each　fern　frond；　each　blade　of　grass　
was　iced　over。　
While　Carlisle　went　to　dress　for　his　early　shift　at　the　hospital；　I　stayed　by　the　
river；　waiting　for　the　sun　to　rise。　　I　felt　almost　swollen　from　the　amount　of　blood　I'd　
consumed；　but　I　knew　the　lack　of　actual　thirst　would　mean　little　when　I　sat　beside　the　girl　
again。　
Cool　and　motionless　as　the　stone　I　sat　on；　I　stared　at　the　dark　water　running　beside　
the　icy　bank；　stared　right　through　it。　
Carlisle　was　right。　　I　should　leave　Forks。　　They　could　spread　some　story　to　explain　
my　absence。　　Boarding　school　in　Europe。　　Visiting　distant　relatives。　　Teenage　runaway。　
The　story　didn't　matter。　　No　one　would　question　too　intensely。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
54　

It　was　just　a　year　or　two；　and　then　the　girl　would　disappear。　　She　would　go　on　with　
her　life—she　would　have　a　life　to　go　on　with。　　She'd　go　to　college　somewhere；　get　older；　
start　a　career；　perhaps　marry　someone。　　I　could　picture　that—I　could　see　the　girl　dressed　
all　in　white　and　walking　at　a　measured　pace；　her　arm　through　her　father's。　
It　was　odd；　the　pain　that　image　caused　me。　　I　couldn't　understand　it。　　Was　I　
jealous；　because　she　had　a　future　that　I　could　never　have？　　That　made　no　sense。　　Every　
one　of　the　humans　around　me　had　that　same　potential　ahead　of　them—a　life—and　I　rarely　
stopped　to　envy　them。　
I　should　leave　her　to　her　future。　　Stop　risking　her　life。　　That　was　the　right　thing　to　
do。　　Carlisle　always　chose　the　right　way。　　I　should　listen　to　him　now。　
The　sun　rose　behind　the　clouds；　and　the　faint　light　glistened　off　all　the　frozen　
glass。　
One　more　day；　I　decided。　　I　would　see　her　one　more　time。　　I　could　handle　that。　
Perhaps　I　would　mention　my　pending　disappearance；　set　the　story　up。　
This　was　going　to　be　difficult；　I　could　feel　that　in　the　heavy　reluctance　that　was　
already　making　me　think　of　excuses　to　stay—to　extend　the　deadline　to　two　days；　three；　
four？　　But　I　would　do　the　right　thing。　　I　knew　I　could　trust　Carlisle's　advice。　　And　I　also　
knew　that　I　was　too　conflicted　to　make　the　right　decision　alone。　
Much　too　conflicted。　　How　much　of　this　reluctance　came　from　my　obsessive　
curiosity；　and　how　much　came　from　my　unsatisfied　appetite？　
I　went　inside　to　change　into　fresh　clothes　for　school。　
Alice　was　waiting　for　me；　sitting　on　the　top　step　at　the　edge　of　the　third　floor。　
You're　leaving　again；　she　accused　me。　
I　sighed　and　nodded。　
I　can't　see　where　you're　going　this　time。　
〃I　don't　know　where　I'm　going　yet；〃　I　whispered。　
I　want　you　to　stay。　
I　shook　my　head。　
Maybe　Jazz　and　I　could　come　with　you？　
〃They'll　need　you　all　the　more；　if　I'm　not　here　to　watch　out　for　them。　　And　think　
of　Esme。　　Would　you　take　half　her　family　away　in　one　blow？〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
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You're　going　to　make　her　so　sad。　
〃I　know。　　That's　why　you　have　to　stay。〃　
That's　not　the　same　as　having　you　here；　and　you　know　it。　
〃Yes。　　But　I　have　to　do　what's　right。〃　
There　are　many　right　ways；　and　many　wrong　ways；　though；　aren't　there？　
For　a　brief　moment　she　was　swept　away　into　one　of　her　strange　visions；　I　watched　
along　with　her　as　the　indistinct　images　flickered　and　whirled。　　I　saw　myself　mixed　in　with　
strange　shadows　that　I　couldn't　make　out—hazy；　imprecise　forms。　　And　then；　suddenly；　
my　skin　was　glittering　in　the　bright　sunlight　of　a　small　open　meadow。　　This　was　a　place　I　
knew。　　There　was　a　figure　in　the　meadow　with　me；　but；　again；　it　was　indistinct；　not　there　
enough　to　recognize。　　The　images　shivered　and　disappeared　as　a　million　tiny　choices