5 midnigh+sun-第35部分

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defensible　such　a　thing　might　be。　
Bella　deserved　better　than　a　killer。　
I'd　spent　seven　decades　trying　to　be　something　other　than　that—anything　other　
than　a　killer。　　Those　years　of　effort　could　never　make　me　worthy　of　the　girl　sitting　beside　
me。　　And　yet；　I　felt　that　if　I　returned　to　that　life—the　life　of　a　killer—for　even　one　night；　I　
would　surely　put　her　out　of　my　reach　forever。　　Even　if　I　didn't　drink　their　blood—even　if　
I　didn't　have　that　evidence　blazing　red　in　my　eyes—wouldn't　she　sense　the　difference？　
I　was　trying　to　be　good　enough　for　her。　　It　was　an　impossible　goal。　　I　would　keep　
trying。　
〃What's　wrong？〃　she　whispered。　
Her　breath　filled　my　nose；　and　I　was　reminded　why　I　could　not　deserve　her。　　After　
all　of　this；　even　with　as　much　as　I　loved　her？she　still　made　my　mouth　water。　
I　would　give　her　as　much　honesty　as　I　could。　　I　owed　her　that。　
〃Sometimes　I　have　a　problem　with　my　temper；　Bella。〃　　I　stared　out　into　the　black　
night；　wishing　both　that　she　would　hear　the　horror　inherent　in　my　words　and　also　that　she　
would　not。　　Mostly　that　she　would　not。　　Run；　Bella；　run。　　Stay；　Bella；　stay。　　〃But　it　
wouldn't　be　helpful　for　me　to　turn　around　and　hunt　down　those？〃　　Just　thinking　about　it　
almost　pulled　me　from　the　car。　　I　took　a　deep　breath；　letting　her　scent　scorch　down　my　
throat。　　〃At　least；　that's　what　I'm　trying　to　convince　myself。〃　
〃Oh。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
177　

She　said　nothing　else。　　How　much　had　she　heard　in　my　words？　　I　glanced　at　her　
furtively；　but　her　face　was　unreadable。　　Blank　with　shock；　perhaps。　　Well；　she　wasn't　
screaming。　　Not　yet。　
It　was　quiet　for　a　moment。　　I　warred　with　myself；　trying　to　be　what　I　should　be。　
What　I　couldn't　be。　
〃Jessica　and　Angela　will　be　worried；〃　she　said　quietly。　　Her　voice　was　very　calm；　
and　I　was　not　sure　how　that　could　be。　　Was　she　in　shock？　　Maybe　tonight's　events　hadn't　
sunk　in　for　her　yet。　　〃I　was　supposed　to　meet　them。〃　
Did　she　want　to　be　away　from　me？　　Or　was　she　just　worried　about　her　friends'　
worry？　
I　didn't　answer　her；　but　I　started　the　car　and　took　her　back。　　Every　inch　closer　I　
got　to　the　town；　the　harder　it　was　to　hold　on　to　my　purpose。　　I　was　just　so　close　to　him？　
If　it　was　impossible—if　I　could　never　have　nor　deserve　this　girl—then　where　was　
the　sense　in　letting　the　man　go　unpunished？　　Surely　I　could　allow　myself　that　much？　
No。　　I　wasn't　giving　up。　　Not　yet。　　I　wanted　her　too　much　to　surrender。　
We　were　at　the　restaurant　where　she　was　supposed　to　meet　her　friends　before　I'd　
even　begun　to　make　sense　of　my　thoughts。　　Jessica　and　Angela　were　finished　eating；　and　
both　now　truly　worried　about　Bella。　　They　were　on　their　way　to　search　for　her；　heading　
off　along　the　dark　street。　
It　was　not　a　good　night　for　them　to　be　wandering—　
〃How　did　you　know　where？？〃　Bella's　unfinished　question　interrupted　me；　and　I　
realized　that　I　had　made　yet　another　gaffe。　　I'd　been　too　distracted　to　remember　to　ask　her　
where　she　was　supposed　to　meet　her　friends。　
But；　instead　of　finishing　the　inquiry　and　pressing　the　point；　Bella　just　shook　her　
head　and　half…smiled。　
What　did　that　mean？　
Well；　I　didn't　have　time　to　puzzle　over　her　strange　acceptance　of　my　stranger　
knowledge。　　I　opened　my　door。　
〃What　are　you　doing？〃　she　asked；　sounding　startled。　
Not　letting　you　out　of　my　sight。　　Not　allowing　myself　to　be　alone　tonight。　　In　that　
order。　　〃I'm　taking　you　to　dinner。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
178　

Well　this　should　be　interesting。　　It　seemed　like　another　night　entirely　when　I'd　
imagined　bringing　Alice　along　and　pretending　to　choose　the　same　restaurant　as　Bella　and　
her　friends　by　accident。　　And　now；　here　I　was；　practically　on　a　date　with　the　girl。　　Only　it　
didn't　count；　because　I　wasn't　giving　her　a　chance　to　say　no。　
She　already　had　her　door　half　open　before　I'd　walked　around　the　car—it　wasn't　
usually　so　frustrating　to　have　to　move　at　an　inconspicuous　speed—instead　of　waiting　for　
me　to　get　it　for　her。　　Was　this　because　she　wasn't　used　to　being　treated　like　a　lady；　or　
because　she　didn't　think　of　me　as　a　gentleman？　
I　waited　for　her　to　join　me；　getting　more　anxious　as　her　girlfriends　continued　in　
toward　the　dark　corner。　
〃Go　stop　Jessica　and　Angela　before　I　have　to　track　them　down；　too；〃　I　ordered　
quickly。　　〃I　don't　think　I　could　restrain　myself　if　I　ran　into　your　other　friends　again。〃　　No；　
I　would　not　be　strong　enough　for　that。　
She　shuddered；　and　then　quickly　collected　herself。　　She　took　half　a　step　after　
them；　calling；　〃Jess！　　Angela！〃　in　a　loud　voice。　　They　turned；　and　she　waved　her　arm　over　
her　head　to　catch　their　attention。　
Bella！　　Oh；　she's　safe！　Angela　thought　with　relief。　
Late　much？　Jessica　grumbled　to　herself；　but　she；　too；　was　thankful　that　Bella　
wasn't　lost　or　hurt。　　This　made　me　like　her　a　little　more　than　I　had。　
They　hurried　back；　and　then　stopped；　shocked；　when　they　saw　me　beside　her。　
Uh…uh！　Jess　thought；　stunned。　　No　freaking　way！　
Edward　Cullen？　Did　she　go　away　by　herself　to　find　him？　　But　why　would　she　ask　
about　them　being　out　of　town　if　she　knew　he　was　here？　I　got　a　brief　flash　of　Bella's　
mortified　expression　when　she'd　asked　Angela　if　my　family　was　often　absent　from　
school。　　No；　she　couldn't　have　known；　Angela　decided。　
Jessica's　thoughts　were　moving　past　the　surprise　and　on　to　suspicion。　　Bella's　
been　holding　out　on　me。　
〃Where　have　you　been？〃　she　demanded；　staring　at　Bella；　but　peeking　at　me　from　
the　corner　of　her　eye。　
〃I　got　lost。　　And　then　I　ran　into　Edward；〃　Bella　said；　waving　one　hand　toward　me。　
Her　tone　was　remarkably　normal。　　Like　that　was　truly　all　that　had　happened。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
179　

She　must　be　in　shock。　　That　was　the　only　explanation　for　her　calm。　
〃Would　it　be　all　right　if　I　joined　you？〃　I　asked—to　be　polite；　I　knew　that　they'd　
already　eaten。　
Holy　crap　but　he's　hot！　Jessica　thought；　her　head　suddenly　slightly　incoherent。　
Angela　wasn't　much　more　composed。　　Wish　we　hadn't　eaten。　　Wow。　Just。　　Wow。　
Now　why　couldn't　I　do　that　to　Bella？　
〃Er？sure；〃　Jessica　agreed。　
Angela　frowned。　　〃Um；　actually；　Bella；　we　already　ate　while　we　were　waiting；〃　
she　admitted。　　〃Sorry。〃　
What？　　Shut　up！　Jess　complained　internally。　
Bella　shrugged　casually。　　So　at　ease。　　Definitely　in　shock。　　〃That's　fine—I'm　not　
hungry。〃　
〃I　think　you　should　eat　something；〃　I　disagreed。　　She　needed　sugar　in　her　
bloodstream—though　it　smelled　sweet　enough　as　it　was；　I　thought　wryly。　　The　horror　was　
going　to　come　crashing　down　on　her　momentarily；　and　an　empty　stomach　wouldn't　help。　
She　was　an　easy　fainter；　as　I　knew　from　experience。　
These　girls　wouldn't　be　in　any　danger　if　they　went　straight　home。　　Danger　didn't　
stalk　their　every　step。　
And　I'd　rather　be　alone　with　Bella—as　long　as　she　was　willing　to　be　alone　with　
me。　
〃Do　you　mind　if　I　drive　Bella　home　tonight？〃　I　said　to　Jessica　before　Bella　could　
respond。　　〃That　way　you　won't　have　to　wait　while　she　eats。〃　
〃Uh；　no　problem；　I　guess？〃　　Jessica　stared　intently　at　Bella；　looking　for　some　
sign　that　this　was　what　she　wanted。　
I　want　to　stay？but　she　probably　wants　him　to　herself。　　Who　wouldn't？　　Jess　
thought。　　At　the　same　time；　she　watched　Bella　wink。　
Bella　winked？　
〃Okay；〃　Angela　said　quickly；　in　a　hurry　to　be　out　of　the　way　if　that　was　what　
Bella　wanted。　　And　it　seemed　that　she　did　want　that。　　〃See　you　tomorrow；　
Bella？Edward。〃　　She　struggled　to　say　my　name　in　a　casual　tone。　　Then　she　grabbed　
Jessica's　hand　and　began　towing　her　away。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
180　

I　would　have　to　find　some　way　to　thank　Angela　for　this。　
Jessica's　car　was　close　by　and　in　a　bright　circle　of　light　cast　by　a　streetlamp。　
Bella　watched　them　carefully；　a　little　crease　of　concern　between　her　eyes；　until　they　were　
in　the　car；　so　she　must　be　fully　aware　of　the　danger　she'd　been　in。　　Jessica　waved　as　she　
drove　away；　and　Bella　waved　back。　　It　wasn't　until　the　car　disappeared　that　she　took　a　
deep　breath　and　turned　to　look　up　at　me。　
〃Honestly；　I'm　not　hungry；〃　she　said。　
Why　had　she　waited　for　them　to　be　gone　before　speaking？　　Did　she　truly　want　to　
be　alone　with　me—even　now；　after　witnessing　my　homicidal　rage？　
Whether　that　was　the　case　or　not；　she　was　going　to　eat　something。　
〃Humor　me；〃　I　said。　
I　held　the　restaurant　door　open　for　her　and　waited。　
She　sighed；　and　walked　through。　
I　walked　beside　her　to　the　podium　where　the　hostess　waited。　　Bella　still　seemed　
entirely　self…possessed。　　I　wanted　to　touch　her　hand；　her　forehead；　to　check　her　
temperature。　　But　my　cold　hand　would　repulse　her；　as　it　had　before。　
Oh；　my；　the　hostess's　rather　loud　mental　voice　intruded　into　my　consciousness。　
My；　oh　my。　
It　seemed　to　be　my　night　to　turn　heads。　　Or　was　I　only　noticing　it　more　because　I　
wished　so　much　that　Bella　would　see　me　this　way？　　We　were　always　attractive　to　our　
prey。　　I'd　never　thought　so　much　about　it　before。　　Usually—unless；　as　with　people　like　
Shelly　Cope　and　Jessica　Stanley；　there　was　constant　repetition　to　dull　the　horror—the　fear　
kicked　in　fairly　quickly　after　the　initial　attraction？　
〃A　table　for　two？〃　I　prompted　when　the　hostess　didn't　speak。　
〃Oh；　er；　yes。　　Welcome　to　La　Bella　Italia。〃　　Mmm！　　What　a　voice！　　〃Please　follow　
me。〃　　Her　thoughts　were　preoccupied—calculating。　
Maybe　she's　his　cousin。　　She　couldn't　be　his　sister；　they　don't　look　anything　alike。　
But　family；　definitely。　　He　can't　be　with　her。　
Human　eyes　were　clouded；　they　saw　nothing　clearly。　　How　could　this　small…　
minded　woman　find　my　physical　lures—snares　for　prey—so　attractive；　and　yet　be　unable　
to　see　the　soft　perfection　of　the　girl　beside　me？　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
181　

Well；　no　need　to　help　her　out；　just　in　case；　the　hostess　thought　as　she　led　us　to　a　
family…sized　table　in　the　middle　of　the　most　crowded　part　of　the　restaurant。　　Can　I　give　
him　my　number　while　she's　there？？　　she　mused。　
I　pulled　a　bill　from　my　back　pocket。　　People　were　invariably　cooperative　when　
money　was　involved。　
Bella　was　already　taking　the　seat　the　hostess　indicated　without　objection。　　I　shook　
my　head　at　her；　and　she　hesitated；　cocking　her　head　to　one　side　with　curiosity。　　Yes；　she　
would　be　very　curious　tonight。　　A　crowd　was　not　the　ideal　place　for　this　conversation。