5 midnigh+sun-第38部分

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own。　　Then；　when　I　realized　that　you　weren't　with　her　anymore；　I　went　looking　for　you　at　
the　bookstore　I　saw　in　her　head。　　I　could　tell　that　you　hadn't　gone　in；　and　that　you'd　gone　
south？and　I　knew　you　would　have　to　turn　around　soon。　　So　I　was　just　waiting　for　you；　
randomly　searching　through　the　thoughts　of　people　on　the　street—to　see　if　anyone　had　
noticed　you　so　I　would　know　where　you　were。　　I　had　no　reason　to　be　worried？but　I　was　
strangely　anxious？〃　　My　breath　came　faster　as　I　remembered　that　feeling　of　panic。　　Her　
scent　blazed　in　my　throat　and　I　was　glad。　　It　was　a　pain　that　meant　she　was　alive。　　As　long　
as　I　burned；　she　was　safe。　
〃I　started　to　drive　in　circles；　still？listening。〃　　I　hoped　the　word　made　sense　to　her。　
This　had　to　be　confusing。　　〃The　sun　was　finally　setting；　and　I　was　about　to　get　out；　and　
follow　you　on　foot。　　And　then—〃　
As　the　memory　took　me—perfectly　clear　and　as　vivid　as　if　I　was　in　the　moment　
again—I　felt　the　same　murderous　fury　wash　through　my　body；　locking　it　into　ice。　
I　wanted　him　dead。　　I　needed　him　dead。　　My　jaw　clenched　tight　as　I　concentrated　
on　holding　myself　here　at　the　table。　　Bella　still　needed　me。　　That　was　what　mattered。　
〃Then　what？〃　she　whispered；　her　dark　eyes　wide。　
〃I　heard　what　they　were　thinking；〃　I　said　through　my　teeth；　unable　to　keep　the　
words　from　coming　out　in　a　growl。　　〃I　saw　your　face　in　his　mind。〃　
I　could　hardly　resist　the　urge　to　kill。　　I　still　knew　precisely　where　to　find　him。　　His　
black　thoughts　sucked　at　the　night　sky；　pulling　me　toward　them？　
I　covered　my　face；　knowing　my　expression　was　that　of　a　monster；　a　hunter；　a　
killer。　　I　fixed　her　image　behind　my　closed　eyes　to　control　myself；　focusing　only　on　her　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
192　

face。　　The　delicate　framework　of　her　bones；　the　thin　sheath　of　her　pale　skin—like　silk　
stretched　over　glass；　incredibly　soft　and　easy　to　shatter。　　She　was　too　vulnerable　for　this　
world。　　She　needed　a　protector。　　And；　through　some　twisted　mismanagement　of　destiny；　I　
was　the　closest　thing　available。　
I　tried　to　explain　my　violent　reaction　so　that　she　would　understand。　
〃It　was　very？hard—you　can't　imagine　how　hard—for　me　to　simply　take　you　
away；　and　leave　them？alive；〃　I　whispered。　　〃I　could　have　let　you　go　with　Jessica　and　
Angela；　but　I　was　afraid　if　you　left　me　alone；　I　would　go　looking　for　them。〃　
For　the　second　time　tonight；　I　confessed　to　an　intended　murder。　　At　least　this　one　
was　defensible。　
She　was　quiet　as　I　struggled　to　control　myself。　　I　listened　to　her　heartbeat。　　The　
rhythm　was　irregular；　but　it　slowed　as　the　time　passed　until　it　was　steady　again。　　Her　
breathing；　too；　was　low　and　even。　
I　was　too　close　to　the　edge。　　I　needed　to　get　her　home　before？　
Would　I　kill　him；　then？　　Would　I　become　a　murderer　again　when　she　trusted　me？　
Was　there　any　way　to　stop　myself？　
She'd　promised　to　tell　me　her　latest　theory　when　we　were　alone。　　Did　I　want　to　
hear　it？　　I　was　anxious　for　it；　but　would　the　reward　for　my　curiosity　be　worse　than　not　
knowing？　
At　any　rate；　she　must　have　had　enough　truth　for　one　night。　
I　looked　at　her　again；　and　her　face　was　paler　than　before；　but　composed。　
〃Are　you　ready　to　go　home？〃　I　asked。　
〃I'm　ready　to　leave；〃　she　said；　choosing　her　words　carefully；　as　if　a　simple　'yes'　
did　not　fully　express　what　she　wanted　to　say。　
Frustrating。　
The　waitress　returned。　　She'd　heard　Bella's　last　statement　as　she'd　dithered　on　the　
other　side　of　the　partition；　wondering　what　more　she　could　offer　me。　　I　wanted　to　roll　my　
eyes　at　some　of　the　offerings　she'd　had　in　mind。　
〃How　are　we　doing？〃　she　asked　me。　
〃We're　ready　for　the　check；　thank　you；〃　I　told　her；　my　eyes　on　Bella。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
193　

The　waitress's　breathing　spiked　and　she　was　momentarily—to　use　Bella's　
phrasing—dazzled　by　my　voice。　
In　a　sudden　moment　of　perception；　hearing　the　way　my　voice　sounded　in　this　
inconsequential　human's　head；　I　realized　why　I　seemed　to　be　attracting　so　much　
admiration　tonight—unmarred　by　the　usual　fear。　
It　was　because　of　Bella。　　Trying　so　hard　to　be　safe　for　her；　to　be　less　frightening；　
to　be　human；　I　truly　had　lost　my　edge。　　The　other　humans　saw　only　beauty　now；　with　my　
innate　horror　so　carefully　under　control。　
I　looked　up　at　the　waitress；　waiting　for　her　to　recover　herself。　　It　was　sort　of　
humorous；　now　that　I　understood　the　reason。　
〃Sure；〃　she　stuttered。　　〃Here　you　go。〃　
She　handed　me　the　folder　with　the　bill；　thinking　of　the　card　she'd　slid　in　behind　
the　receipt。　　A　card　with　her　name　and　telephone　number　on　it。　
Yes；　it　was　rather　funny。　
I　had　money　ready　again。　　I　gave　the　folder　back　at　once；　so　she　wouldn't　waste　
any　time　waiting　for　a　call　that　would　never　come。　
〃No　change；〃　I　told　her；　hoping　the　size　of　the　tip　would　assuage　her　
disappointment。　
I　stood；　and　Bella　quickly　followed　suit。　　I　wanted　to　offer　her　my　hand；　but　I　
thought　that　might　be　pushing　my　luck　a　little　too　far　for　one　night。　　I　thanked　the　
waitress；　my　eyes　never　leaving　Bella's　face。　　Bella　seemed　to　be　finding　something　
amusing；　too。　
We　walked　out；　I　walked　as　close　beside　her　as　I　dared。　　Close　enough　that　the　
warmth　coming　off　her　body　was　like　a　physical　touch　against　the　left　side　of　my　body。　
As　I　held　the　door　for　her；　she　sighed　quietly；　and　I　wondered　what　regret　made　her　sad。　　I　
stared　into　her　eyes；　about　to　ask；　when　she　suddenly　looked　at　the　ground；　seeming　
embarrassed。　　It　made　me　more　curious；　even　as　it　made　me　reluctant　to　ask。　　The　silence　
between　us　continued　while　I　opened　her　door　for　her　and　then　got　into　the　car。　
I　turned　the　heater　on—the　warmer　weather　had　come　to　an　abrupt　end；　the　cold　
car　must　be　uncomfortable　for　her。　　She　huddled　in　my　jacket；　a　small　smile　on　her　lips。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
194　

I　waited；　postponing　conversation　until　the　lights　of　the　boardwalk　faded。　　It　made　
me　feel　more　alone　with　her。　
Was　that　the　right　thing？　　Now　that　I　was　focused　only　on　her；　the　car　seemed　
very　small。　　Her　scent　swirled　through　it　with　the　current　of　the　heater；　building　and　
strengthening。　　It　grew　into　its　own　force；　like　another　entity　in　the　car。　　A　presence　that　
demanded　recognition。　
It　had　that；　I　burned。　　The　burning　was　acceptable；　though。　　It　seemed　strangely　
appropriate　to　me。　　I　had　been　given　so　much　tonight—more　than　I'd　expected。　　And　here　
she　was；　still　willingly　at　my　side。　　I　owed　something　in　return　for　that。　　A　sacrifice。　　A　
burnt　offering。　
Now　if　I　could　just　keep　it　to　that；　just　burn；　and　nothing　more。　　But　the　venom　
filled　my　mouth；　and　my　muscles　tensed　in　anticipation；　as　if　I　were　hunting？　
I　had　to　keep　such　thoughts　from　my　mind。　　And　I　knew　what　would　distract　me。　
〃Now；〃　I　said　to　her；　fear　of　her　response　taking　the　edge　off　the　burn。　　〃It's　your　
turn。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
195　
9。　Theory　
〃Can　I　ask　just　one　more？〃　she　entreated　instead　of　answering　my　demand。　
I　was　on　edge；　anxious　for　the　worst。　　And　yet；　how　tempting　it　was　to　prolong　
this　moment。　　To　have　Bella　with　me；　willingly；　for　just　a　few　seconds　longer。　　I　sighed　at　
the　dilemma；　and　then　said；　〃One。〃　
〃Well？；〃　she　hesitated　for　a　moment；　as　if　deciding　which　question　to　voice。　
〃You　said　you　knew　I　hadn't　gone　into　the　bookstore；　and　that　I　had　gone　south。　　I　was　
just　wondering　how　you　know　that。〃　
I　glared　out　the　windshield。　　Here　was　another　question　that　revealed　nothing　on　
her　part；　and　too　much　on　mine。　
〃I　thought　we　were　past　all　the　evasiveness；〃　she　said；　her　tone　critical　and　
disappointed。　
How　ironic。　　She　was　relentlessly　evasive；　without　even　trying。　
Well；　she　wanted　me　to　be　direct。　　And　this　conversation　wasn't　going　anywhere　
good；　regardless。　
〃Fine；　then；〃　I　said。　　〃I　followed　your　scent。〃　
I　wanted　to　watch　her　face；　but　I　was　afraid　of　what　I　would　see。　　Instead；　I　
listened　to　her　breath　accelerate　and　then　stabilize。　　She　spoke　again　after　a　moment；　and　
her　voice　was　steadier　than　I　would　have　expected。　
〃And　then　you　didn't　answer　one　of　my　first　questions？〃　she　said。　
I　looked　down　at　her；　frowning。　　She　was　stalling；　too。　
〃Which　one？〃　
〃How　does　it　work—the　mind　reading　thing？〃　she　asked；　reiterating　her　question　
from　the　restaurant。　　〃Can　you　read　anybody's　mind；　anywhere？　　How　do　you　do　it？　　Can　
the　rest　of　your　family？？〃　　She　trailed　off；　flushing　again。　
〃That's　more　than　one；〃　I　said。　
She　just　looked　at　me；　waiting　for　her　answers。　
And　why　not　tell　her？　　She'd　already　guessed　most　of　this；　and　it　was　an　easier　
subject　that　the　one　that　loomed。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
196　

〃No；　it's　just　me。　　And　I　can't　hear　anyone；　anywhere。　　I　have　to　be　fairly　close。　
The　more　familiar　someone's？'voice'　is；　the　farther　away　I　can　hear　them。　　But　still；　no　
more　than　a　few　miles。〃　　I　tried　to　think　of　a　way　to　describe　it　so　that　she　would　
understand。　　An　analogy　that　she　could　relate　to。　〃It's　a　little　like　being　in　a　huge　hall　
filled　with　people；　everyone　talking　at　once。　　It's　just　a　hum—a　buzzing　of　voices　in　the　
background。　　Until　I　focus　on　one　voice；　and　then　what　they're　thinking　is　clear。　　Most　of　
the　time　I　tune　it　all　out—it　can　be　very　distracting。　　And　then　it's　easier　to　seem　normal；〃　
—I　grimaced—　〃when　I'm　not　accidentally　answering　someone's　thoughts　rather　than　
their　words。〃　
〃Why　do　you　think　you　can't　hear　me？〃　she　wondered。　
I　gave　her　another　truth　and　another　analogy。　
〃I　don't　know；〃　I　admitted。　　〃The　only　guess　I　have　is　that　maybe　your　mind　
doesn't　work　the　same　way　the　rest　of　theirs　do。　　Like　your　thoughts　are　on　the　AM　
frequency　and　I'm　only　getting　FM。〃　
I　realized　that　she　would　not　like　this　analogy。　　The　anticipation　of　her　reaction　
had　me　smiling。　　She　didn't　disappoint。　
〃My　mind　doesn't　work　right？〃　she　asked；　her　voice　rising　with　chagrin。　　〃I'm　a　
freak？〃　
Ah；　the　irony　again。　
〃I　hear　voices　in　my　mind　and　you're　worried　that　you're　the　freak。〃　　I　laughed。　
She　understood　all　the　small　things；　and　yet　the　big　ones　she　got　backwards。　　Always　the　
wrong　instincts？　
Bella　was　gnawing　on　her　lip；　and　the　crease　between　her　eyes　was　etched　deep。　
〃Don't　worry；〃　I　reassured　her。　　〃It's　just　a　theory？〃　　And　there　was　a　more　
i