5 midnigh+sun-第40部分

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As　if　her　hiding　these　disturbing　tendencies　would　help　either　of　us。　
〃No。　　I'd　rather　know　what　you're　thinking—even　if　what　you're　thinking　is　
insane。〃　
〃So　I'm　wrong　again？〃　she　asked；　a　bit　belligerent　now。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
202　

〃That's　not　what　I　was　referring　to！〃　　My　teeth　clenched　together　again。　　〃'It　
doesn't　matter'！〃　I　repeated　in　a　scathing　tone。　
She　gasped。　　〃I'm　right？〃　
〃Does　it　matter？〃　I　countered。　
She　took　a　deep　breath。　　I　waited　angrily　for　her　answer。　
〃Not　really；〃　she　said；　her　voice　composed　again。　　〃But　I　am　curious。〃　
Not　really。　　It　didn't　really　matter。　　She　didn't　care。　　She　knew　I　was　inhuman；　a　
monster；　and　this　didn't　really　matter　to　her。　
Aside　from　my　worries　about　her　sanity；　I　began　to　feel　a　swelling　of　hope。　　I　tried　
to　quash　it。　
〃What　are　you　curious　about？〃　I　asked　her。　　There　were　no　secrets　left；　only　
minor　details。　
〃How　old　are　you？〃　she　asked。　
My　answer　was　automatic　and　ingrained。　　〃Seventeen。〃　
〃And　how　long　have　you　been　seventeen？〃　
I　tried　not　to　smile　at　the　patronizing　tone。　　〃A　while；〃　I　admitted。　
〃Okay；〃　she　said；　abruptly　enthusiastic。　　She　smiled　up　at　me。　　　When　I　stared　
back；　anxious　again　about　her　mental　health；　she　smiled　wider。　　I　grimaced。　
〃Don't　laugh；〃　she　warned。　　〃But　how　can　you　come　out　during　the　daytime？〃　
I　laughed　despite　her　request。　　Her　research　had　not　netted　her　anything　unusual；　it　
seemed。　〃Myth；〃　I　told　her。　
〃Burned　by　the　sun？〃　
〃Myth。〃　
〃Sleeping　in　coffins？〃　
〃Myth。〃　
Sleep　had　not　been　a　part　of　my　life　for　so　long—not　until　these　last　few　nights；　as　
I'd　watched　Bella　dreaming？　
〃I　can't　sleep；〃　I　murmured；　answering　her　question　more　fully。　
She　was　silent　for　a　moment。　
〃At　all？〃　she　asked。　
〃Never；〃　I　breathed。　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
203　

I　stared　into　her　eyes；　wide　under　the　thick　fringe　of　lashes；　and　yearned　for　sleep。　
Not　for　oblivion；　as　I　had　before；　not　to　escape　boredom；　but　because　I　wanted　to　dream。　
Maybe；　if　I　could　be　unconscious；　if　I　could　dream；　I　could　live　for　a　few　hours　in　a　world　
where　she　and　I　could　be　together。　　She　dreamed　of　me。　　I　wanted　to　dream　of　her。　
She　stared　back　at　me；　her　expression　full　of　wonder。　　I　had　to　look　away。　
I　could　not　dream　of　her。　　She　should　not　dream　of　me。　
〃You　haven't　asked　me　the　most　important　question　yet；〃　I　said；　my　silent　chest　
colder　and　harder　than　before。　　She　had　to　be　forced　to　understand。　　At　some　point；　she　
would　have　to　realize　what　she　was　doing　now。　　She　must　be　made　to　see　that　this　all　did　
matter—more　than　any　other　consideration。　　Considerations　like　the　fact　that　I　loved　her。　
〃Which　one　is　that？〃　she　asked；　surprised　and　unaware。　
This　only　made　my　voice　harder。　　〃You　aren't　concerned　about　my　diet？〃　
〃Oh。　　That。〃　　She　spoke　in　a　quiet　tone　that　I　couldn't　interpret。　
〃Yes；　that。　　Don't　you　want　to　know　if　I　drink　blood？〃　
She　cringed　away　from　my　question。　　Finally。　　She　was　understanding。　
〃Well；　Jacob　said　something　about　that；〃　she　said。　
〃What　did　Jacob　say？〃　
〃He　said　you　didn't？hunt　people。　　He　said　your　family　wasn't　supposed　to　be　
dangerous　because　you　only　hunted　animals。〃　
〃He　said　we　weren't　dangerous？〃　I　repeated　cynically。　
〃Not　exactly；〃　she　clarified。　　〃He　said　you　weren't　supposed　to　be　dangerous。　　But　
the　Quileutes　still　didn't　want　you　on　their　land；　just　in　case。〃　
I　stared　at　the　road；　my　thoughts　in　a　hopeless　snarl；　my　throat　aching　with　the　
familiar　fiery　thirst。　
〃So；　was　he　right？〃　she　asked；　as　calmly　as　if　she　were　confirming　a　weather　
report。　　〃About　not　hunting　people？〃　
〃The　Quileutes　have　a　long　memory。〃　
She　nodded　to　herself；　thinking　hard。　
〃Don't　let　that　make　you　complacent；　though；〃　I　said　quickly。　　〃They're　right　to　
keep　their　distance　from　us。　　We　are　still　dangerous。〃　
〃I　don't　understand。〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
204　

No　she　didn't。　　How　to　make　her　see？　
〃We　try；〃　I　told　her。　　〃We're　usually　very　good　at　what　we　do。　　Sometimes　we　
make　mistakes。　　Me；　for　example；　allowing　myself　to　be　alone　with　you。〃　
Her　scent　was　still　a　force　in　the　car。　　I　was　growing　used　to　it；　I　could　almost　
ignore　it；　but　there　was　no　denying　that　my　body　still　yearned　toward　her　for　the　wrong　
reason。　　My　mouth　was　swimming　with　venom。　
〃This　is　a　mistake？〃　she　asked；　and　there　was　heartbreak　in　her　voice。　　The　sound　
of　it　disarmed　me。　　She　wanted　to　be　with　me—despite　everything；　she　wanted　to　be　with　
me。　
Hope　swelled　again；　and　I　beat　it　back。　
〃A　very　dangerous　one；〃　I　told　her　truthfully；　wishing　the　truth　could　really　
somehow　cease　to　matter。　
She　didn't　respond　for　a　moment。　　I　heard　her　breathing　change—it　hitched　in　
strange　ways　that　did　not　sound　like　fear。　
〃Tell　me　more；〃　she　said　suddenly；　her　voice　distorted　by　anguish。　
I　examined　her　carefully。　
She　was　in　pain。　　How　had　I　allowed　this？　
〃What　more　do　you　want　to　know？〃　I　asked；　trying　to　think　of　a　way　to　keep　her　
from　hurting。　　She　should　not　hurt。　　I　couldn't　let　her　be　hurt。　
〃Tell　me　why　you　hunt　animals　instead　of　people；〃　she　said；　still　anguished。　
Wasn't　it　obvious？　　Or　maybe　this　didn't　matter　to　her　either。　
〃I　don't　want　to　be　a　monster；〃　I　muttered。　
〃But　animals　aren't　enough？〃　
I　searched　for　another　comparison；　a　way　that　she　could　understand。　　〃I　can't　be　
sure；　of　course；　but　I'd　compare　it　to　living　on　tofu　and　soy　milk；　we　call　ourselves　
vegetarians；　our　little　inside　joke。　　It　doesn't　completely　satiate　the　hunger—or　rather　
thirst。　　But　it　keeps　us　strong　enough　to　resist。　　Most　of　the　time。〃　　My　voice　got　lower；　I　
was　ashamed　of　danger　I　had　allowed　her　to　be　in。　　Danger　I　continued　to　allow？　
〃Sometimes　it's　more　difficult　than　others。〃　
〃Is　it　very　difficult　for　you　now？〃　
？　2008　Stephenie　Meyer　
　
205　

I　sighed。　　Of　course　she　would　ask　the　question　I　didn't　want　to　answer。　　〃Yes；〃　I　
admitted。　
I　expected　her　physical　response　correctly　this　time：　her　breathing　held　steady；　her　
heart　kept　its　even　pattern。　　I　expected　it；　but　I　did　not　understand　it。　　How　could　she　not　
be　afraid？　
〃But　you're　not　hungry　now；〃　she　declared；　perfectly　sure　of　herself。　
〃Why　do　you　think　that？〃　
〃Your　eyes；〃　she　said；　her　tone　offhand。　　〃I　told　you　I　had　a　theory。　　I've　noticed　
that　people—men　in　particular—are　crabbier　when　they're　hungry。〃　
I　chuckled　at　her　description：　crabby。　　There　was　an　understatement。　　But　she　was　
dead　right；　as　usual。　　〃You　are　observant；　aren't　you？〃　　I　laughed　again。　
She　smiled　a　little；　the　crease　returning　between　her　eyes　as　if　she　were　
concentrating　on　something。　
〃Were　you　hunting　this　weekend；　with　Emmett？〃　she　asked　after　my　laugh　had　
faded。　　The　casual　way　she　spoke　was　as　fascinating　as　it　was　frustrating。　　Could　she　
really　accept　so　much　in　stride？　　I　was　closer　to　shock　than　she　seemed　to　be。　
〃Yes；〃　I　told　her；　and　then；　as　I　was　about　to　leave　it　at　that；　I　felt　the　same　urge　
I'd　had　in　the　restaurant：　I　wanted　her　to　know　me。　　〃I　didn't　want　to　leave；〃　I　went　on　
slowly；　〃but　it　was　necessary。　　It's　a　bit　easier　to　be　around　you　when　I'm　not　thirsty。〃　
〃Why　didn't　you　want　to　leave？〃　
I　took　a　deep　breath；　and　then　turned　to　meet　her　gaze。　　This　kind　of　honesty　was　
difficult　in　a　very　different　way。　
〃It　makes　me？anxious；〃　I　supposed　that　word　would　suffice；　though　it　wasn't　
strong　enough；　〃to　be　away　from　you。　　I　wasn't　joking　when　I　asked　you　to　try　not　to　fall　
in　the　ocean　or　get　run　over　last　Thursday。　　I　was　distracted　all　weekend；　worrying　about　
you。　　And　after　what　happened　tonight；　I'm　surprised　that　you　did　make　it　through　a　
whole　weekend　unscathed。〃　　Then　I　remembered　the　scrapes　on　her　palms。　　〃Well；　not　
totally　unscathed；〃　I　amended。　
〃What？〃　
〃Your　hands；〃　I　reminded　her。　
She　sighed　and　grimaced。　　〃I　fell。〃　
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I'd　guessed　right。　　〃That's　what　I　thought；〃　I　said；　unable　to　contain　my　smile。　　〃I　
suppose；　being　you；　it　could　have　been　much　worse—and　that　possibility　tormented　me　
the　entire　time　I　was　away。　　It　was　a　very　long　three　days。　　I　really　got　on　Emmett's　
nerves。〃　　Honestly；　that　didn't　belong　in　the　past　tense。　　I　was　probably　still　irritating　
Emmett；　and　all　the　rest　of　my　family；　too。　　Except　Alice？　
〃Three　days？〃　she　asked；　her　voice　suddenly　sharp。　　〃Didn't　you　just　get　back　
today？〃　
I　didn't　understand　the　edge　in　her　voice。　　〃No；　we　got　back　Sunday。〃　
〃Then　why　weren't　any　of　you　in　school？〃　she　demanded。　　Her　irritation　confused　
me。　　She　didn't　seem　to　realize　that　this　question　was　one　that　related　to　mythology　again。　
〃Well；　you　asked　if　the　sun　hurt　me；　and　it　doesn't；〃　I　said。　　〃But　I　can't　go　out　in　
the　sunlight；　at　least；　not　where　anyone　can　see。〃　
That　distracted　her　from　her　mysterious　annoyance。　　〃Why？〃　she　asked；　leaning　
her　head　to　one　side。　
I　doubted　I　could　come　up　with　the　appropriate　analogy　to　explain　this　one。　　So　I　
just　told　her；　〃I'll　show　you　sometime。〃　　And　then　I　wondered　if　this　was　a　promise　I　
would　end　up　breaking。　　Would　I　see　her　again；　after　tonight？　　Did　I　love　her　enough　yet　
to　be　able　to　bear　leaving　her？　
〃You　might　have　called　me；〃　she　said。　
What　an　odd　conclusion。　　〃But　I　knew　you　were　safe。〃　
〃But　I　didn't　know　where　you　were。　　I—〃　　She　came　to　an　abrupt　stop；　and　looked　
at　her　hands。　
〃What？〃　
〃I　didn't　like　it；〃　she　said　shyly；　the　skin　over　her　cheekbones　warming。　　〃Not　
seeing　you。　　It　makes　me　anxious；　too。〃　
Are　you　happy　now？　I　demanded　of　myself。　　Well；　here　was　my　reward　for　
hoping。　
I　was　bewildered；　elated；　horrified—mostly　horrified—to　realize　that　all　my　
wildest　imaginings　were　not　so　far　off　the　mark。　　This　was　why　it　didn't　matter　to　her　that　
I　was　a　monster。　　It　was　exactly　the　same　reason　that　the　rules　no　longer　mattered　to　me。　
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Why　right　and　wrong　were　no　longer　compelling　influences。　　Why　all　my　priorities　had　
shifted　one　rung　down　to　make　room　for　this　girl　at　the　very　top。　
Bella　cared　for　me；　too。　
I　knew　it　could　be　nothing　in　comparison　to　how　I　loved　her。　　But　it　was　enough　
for　her　to　risk　her　life　to　sit　here　with　me。　　To　do　so　gladly。　
Enough　to　cause　her　pain　if　I　did　the　right　thing　and　left　her。　
Was　there　any