the four horsemen of the apocalypse-第49部分

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She　led　the　way　to　a　side　path　from　which　she　could　see　the　blind　man　confided　to　her　care。　　They　stood　motionless；　face　to　face。　Desnoyers　wished　to　say　many　things；　many　。　。　。　but　he　hesitated；　not　knowing　how　to　frame　his　complaints；　his　pleadings；　his　endearments。　　Far　above　all　these　thoughts　towered　one；　fatal；　dominant　and　wrathful。

〃Who　is　that　man？〃

The　spiteful　accent；　the　harsh　voice　with　which　he　said　these　words　surprised　him　as　though　they　came　from　someone　else's　mouth。

The　nurse　looked　at　him　with　her　great　limpid　eyes；　eyes　that　seemed　forever　freed　from　contractions　of　surprise　or　fear。　　Her　response　slipped　from　her　with　equal　directness。

〃It　is　Laurier。　。　。　。　　It　is　my　husband。〃

Laurier！　。　。　。　　Julio　looked　doubtfully　and　for　a　long　time　at　the　soldier　before　he　could　be　convinced。　　That　blind　officer　motionless　on　the　bench；　that　figure　of　heroic　grief；　was　Laurier！　。　。　。　　At　first　glance；　he　appeared　prematurely　old　with　roughened　and　bronzed　skin　so　furrowed　with　lines　that　they　converged　like　rays　around　all　the　openings　of　his　face。　　His　hair　was　beginning　to　whiten　on　the　temples　and　in　the　beard　which　covered　his　cheeks。　　He　had　lived　twenty　years　in　that　one　month。　。　。　。　　At　the　same　time　he　appeared　younger；　with　a　youthfulness　that　was　radiating　an　inward　vigor；　with　the　strength　of　a　soul　which　has　suffered　the　most　violent　emotions　and；　firm　and　serene　in　the　satisfaction　of　duty　fulfilled；　can　no　longer　know　fear。

As　Desnoyers　contemplated　him；　he　felt　both　admiration　and　jealousy。　He　was　ashamed　to　admit　the　aversion　inspired　by　the　wounded　man；　so　sorely　wounded　that　he　was　unable　to　see　what　was　going　on　around　him。　　His　hatred　was　a　form　of　cowardice；　terrifying　in　its　persistence。　　How　pensive　were　Marguerite's　eyes　if　she　took　them　off　her　patient　for　a　few　seconds！　。　。　。　　She　had　never　looked　at　him　in　that　way。　　He　knew　all　the　amorous　gradations　of　her　glance；　but　her　fixed　gaze　at　this　injured　man　was　something　entirely　different；　something　that　he　had　never　seen　before。

He　spoke　with　the　fury　of　a　lover　who　discovers　an　infidelity。

〃And　for　this　thing　you　have　run　away　without　warning；　without　a　word！　。　。　。　　You　have　abandoned　me　in　order　to　go　in　search　of　him。　。　。　。　　Tell　me；　why　did　you　come？　。　。　。　　Why　did　you　come？〃。　。　。

〃I　came　because　it　was　my　duty。〃

Then　she　spoke　like　a　mother　who　takes　advantage　of　a　parenthesis　of　surprise　in　an　irascible　child's　temper；　in　order　to　counsel　self…　control；　and　explained　how　it　had　all　happened。　　She　had　received　the　news　of　Laurier's　wounding　just　as　she　and　her　mother　were　preparing　to　leave　Paris。　　She　had　not　hesitated　an　instant；　her　duty　was　to　hasten　to　the　aid　of　this　man。　　She　had　been　doing　a　great　deal　of　thinking　in　the　last　few　weeks；　the　war　had　made　her　ponder　much　on　the　values　in　life。　　Her　eyes　had　been　getting　glimpses　of　new　horizons；　our　destiny　is　not　mere　pleasure　and　selfish　satisfaction；　we　ought　to　take　our　part　in　pain　and　sacrifice。

She　had　wanted　to　work　for　her　country；　to　share　the　general　stress；　to　serve　as　other　women　did；　and　since　she　was　disposed　to　devote　herself　to　strangers；　was　it　not　natural　that　she　should　prefer　to　help　this　man　whom　she　had　so　greatly　wronged？　。　。　。　　There　still　lived　in　her　memory　the　moment　in　which　she　had　seen　him　approach　the　station；　completely　alone　among　so　many　who　had　the　consolation　of　loving　arms　when　departing　in　search　of　death。　　Her　pity　had　become　still　more　acute　on　hearing　of　his　misfortune。　　A　shell　had　exploded　near　him；　killing　all　those　around　him。　　Of　his　many　wounds；　the　only　serious　one　was　that　on　his　face。　　He　had　completely　lost　the　sight　of　one　eye；　and　the　doctors　were　keeping　the　other　bound　up　hoping　to　save　it。　　But　she　was　very　doubtful　about　it；　she　was　almost　sure　that　Laurier　would　be　blind。

Marguerite's　voice　trembled　when　saying　this　as　if　she　were　going　to　cry；　although　her　eyes　were　tearless。　　They　did　not　now　feel　the　irresistible　necessity　for　tears。　　Weeping　had　become　something　superfluous；　like　many　other　luxuries　of　peaceful　days。　　Her　eyes　had　seen　so　much　in　so　few　days！　。　。　。

〃How　you　love　him！〃　exclaimed　Julio。

Fearing　that　they　might　be　overheard　and　in　order　to　keep　him　at　a　distance；　she　had　been　speaking　as　though　to　a　friend。　　But　her　lover's　sadness　broke　down　her　reserve。

〃No；　I　love　you。　。　。　。　　I　shall　always　love　you。〃

The　simplicity　with　which　she　said　this　and　her　sudden　tenderness　of　tone　revived　Desnoyers'　hopes。

〃And　the　other　one？〃　he　asked　anxiously。

Upon　receiving　her　reply；　it　seemed　to　him　as　though　something　had　just　passed　across　the　sun；　veiling　its　light　temporarily。　　It　was　as　though　a　cloud　had　drifted　over　the　land　and　over　his　thoughts；　enveloping　them　in　an　unbearable　chill。

〃I　love　him；　too。〃

She　said　it　with　a　look　that　seemed　to　implore　pardon；　with　the　sad　sincerity　of　one　who　has　given　up　lying　and　weeps　in　foreseeing　the　injury　that　the　truth　must　inflict。

He　felt　his　hard　wrath　suddenly　dwindling　like　a　crumbling　mountain。　Ah；　Marguerite！　　His　voice　was　tremulous　and　despairing。　　Could　it　be　possible　that　everything　between　these　two　was　going　to　end　thus　simply？　　Were　her　former　vows　mere　lies？　。　。　。　　They　had　been　attracted　to　each　other　by　an　irresistible　affinity　in　order　to　be　together　forever；　to　be　one。　。　。　。　　And　now；　suddenly　hardened　by　indifference；　were　they　to　drift　apart　like　two　unfriendly　bodies？　。　。　。　　What　did　this　absurdity　about　loving　him　at　the　same　time　that　she　loved　her　former　husband　mean；　anyway？

Marguerite　hung　her　head；　murmuring　desperately：

〃You　are　a　man；　I　am　a　woman。　　You　would　never　understand　me；　no　matter　what　I　might　say。　　Men　are　not　able　to　comprehend　certain　of　our　mysteries。　。　。　。　　A　woman　would　be　better　able　to　appreciate　the　complexity。〃

Desnoyers　felt　that　he　must　know　his　fate　in　all　its　cruelty。　　She　might　speak　without　fear。　　He　felt　strong　enough　to　bear　the　blow。　。　。　。　　What　had　Laurier　said　when　he　found　that　he　was　being　so　tenderly　cared　for　by　Marguerite？　。　。　。

〃He　does　not　know　who　I　am。　。　。　。　　He　believes　me　to　be　a　war…nurse；　like　the　rest；　who　pities　him　seeing　him　alone　and　blind　with　no　relatives　to　write　to　him　or　visit　him。　。　。　。　　At　certain　times；　I　have　almost　suspected　that　he　guesses　the　truth。　　My　voice；　the　touch　of　my　hands　made　him　shiver　at　first；　as　though　with　an　unpleasant　sensation。　　I　have　told　him　that　I　am　a　Beigian　lady　who　has　lost　her　loved　ones　and　is　alone　in　the　world。　　He　has　told　me　his　life　story　very　sketchily；　as　if　he　desired　to　forget　a　hated　past。　。　。　。　　Never　one　disagreeable　word　about　his　former　wife。　There　are　nights　when　I　think　that　he　knows　me；　that　he　takes　advantage　of　his　blindness　in　order　to　prolong　his　feigned　ignorance；　and　that　distresses　me。　　I　long　for　him　to　recover　his　sight；　for　the　doctors　to　save　that　doubtful　eyeand　yet　at　the　same　time；　I　feel　afraid。　　What　will　he　say　when　he　recognizes　me？　。　。　。　　But　no；　it　is　better　that　he　should　see；　no　matter　what　may　result。　　You　cannot　understand　my　anxiety；　you　cannot　know　what　I　am　suffering。〃

She　was　silent　for　an　instant；　trying　to　regain　her　self…control；　again　tortured　with　the　agony　of　her　soul。

〃Oh；　the　war！〃　she　resumed。　　〃What　changes　in　our　life！　　Two　months　ago；　my　present　situation　would　have　appeared　impossible；　unimaginable。　。　。　。　　I　caring　for　my　husband；　fearing　that　he　would　discover　my　identity　and　leave　me；　yet　at　the　same　time；　wishing　that　he　would　recognize　me　and　pardon　me。　。　　。　。　　It　is　only　one　week　that　I　have　been　with　him。　　I　disguise　my　voice　when　I　can；　and　avoid　words　that　may　reveal　the　truth　。　。　。　but　this　cannot　keep　up　much　longer。　　It　is　only　in　novels　that　such　painful　situations　turn　out　happily。〃

Doubt　suddenly　overwhelmed　her。

〃I　believe；〃　she　continued；　〃that　he　has　recognized　me　from　the　first。　。　。　。　　He　is　silent　and　feigns　ignorance　because　he　despises　me　。　。　。　because　he　can　never　bring　himself　to　pardon　me。　　I　have　been　so　bad！　。　。　。　　I　have　wronged　him　so！〃。　。　。

She　was　recalling　the　long　and　reflective　silences　of　the　wounded　man　after　she　had　dropped　some　imprudent　words。　　After　two　days　of　submission　to　her　care；　he　had　been　somewhat　rebellious；　avoiding　going　out　with　her　for　a　walk。　　Because　of　his　blind　helplessness；　and　comprehending　the　uselessness　of　his　resistance；　he　had　finally　yielded　in　passive　silence。

〃Let　him　think　what　he　will！〃　concluded　Marguerite　courageously。　〃Let　him　despise　me！　　I　am　here　where　I　ought　to　be。　　I　need　his　forgiveness；　but　if　he　does　not　pardon　me；　I　shall　stay　with　him　just　the　same。　。　。　。　　There　are　moments　when　I　wish　that　he　may　never　recover　his　sight；　so　that　he　may　always　need　me；　so　that　I　may　pass　my　life　at　his　side；　sacrificing　everything　for　him。〃

〃And　I？〃　said　Desnoyers。

Marguerite　looked　at　him　with　clouded　eyes　as　though　she　were　just　awaking。　　It　was　trueand　the　other　one？　。　。　。　　Kindled　by　the　proposed　sacrifice　which　was　to　be　her　expiation；　she　had　forgotten　the　man　before　her。

〃You！〃　she　said　after　a　long　pause。　　〃You　must　leave　me。　。　。　。　　Life　is　not　what　we　have　thought　it。　　Had　it　not　been　for　the　war；　we　might；　perhaps；　have　realized　our　dream；　but　now！　。　。　。　　Listen　carefully　and　try　to　understand。　　For　the　remainder　of　my　life；　I　shall　carry　the　heaviest　burden；　and　yet　at　the　same　time　it　will　be　sweet；　since　the　more　it　weighs　me　down　the　greater　will　my　atonement　be。　　Never　will　I　leave　this　man　whom　I　have　so　grievously　wronged；　now　that　he　is　more　alone　in　the　world　and　will　need　protection　like　a　child。　　Why　do　you　come　to　share　my　fate？　　How　could　it　be　possible　for　you　to　live　with　a　nurse　constantly　at　the　side　of　a　blind　and　worthy　man　whom　we　would　constantly　offend　with　our　passion？　。　。　。　　No；　it　is　better　for　us　to　part。　　Go　your　way；　alone　and　untrammelled。　　Leave　me；　you　will　meet　other　women　who　will　make　you　more　happy　than　I。　　Yours　is　the　temperament　that　finds　new　pleasures　at　every　step。〃

She　stood　firmly　to　her　decision。　　Her　voice　was　calm；　but　back　of　it　trembled　the　emotion　of　a　last　farewell　to　a　joy　which　was　going　from　her　forever。　　The　man　would　be　loved　by　others　。　。　。　and　she　was　giving　him　up！　。　。　。　　But　the