the captives-第31部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



Soon！　She　felt　as　though　she　could　not　wait　another　instant　but　must　immediately　run　after　him；　follow　him　into　the　street；　and　make　clear　his　plans　both　for　himself　and　her。

Then；　continuing　her　struggle　of　the　long　day；　she　beat　into　herself　endurance；　she　was　in　a　new　world；　in　a　world　with　roads　and　cities；　mountains；　rivers；　seas　and　forests　that　had　to　be　traversed　by　her；　to　be　learnt　and　remembered　and　conquered；　and　for　the　success　of　this　she　must　have　her　own　spirit　absolutely　aloof　and　firm　and　brave。　She　loved　him。　That　must　be　enough　for　her；　and　meanwhile　she　need　not　lose　her　common　sense　and　vision　of　everyday　life　。　。　。But　meanwhile　it　hurt。　She　was　now　twice　as　lonely　as　she　had　been　before　because　she　did　not　know　what　he　intended　to　do；　and　always　with　her　now　there　was　something　strange　and　unknown　that　might　at　any　moment　be　stronger　than　she。

But　by　next　morning　she　had　conquered　herself。　She　would　see　him　at　Chapel　that　night　and　perhaps　have　a　word　with　him；　and　so　already　she　had　arrived　at　her　now　lover's　calendar　of　dates　and　seasons。　There　was　the　time　before　she　would　see　him　and　the　time　afterno　other　time　than　that。

The　trouble　that　weighed　upon　her　most　heavily　was　her　deceitfulness　to　the　aunts。　Fifty　times　that　day　she　was　on　the　edge　of　speaking　and　telling　them　all；　but　she　was　held　back　by　the　vagueness　of　her　relations　to　Martin。　Were　they　engaged？　Did　he　even　love　her？　He　had　only　kissed　her。　He　had　said　nothing。　No；　she　must　wait；　but　with　this　definite　sense　of　her　wickedness　weighing　upon　hernot　wickedness　to　herself；　for　that　she　cared　nothing；　but　wickedness　to　themshe　tried；　on　this　day；　to　be　a　pattern　member　of　the　household；　going　softly　everywhere　that　she　was　told；　closing　doors　behind　her；　being　punctual　and　careful。　Unhappily　it　was　a　day　of　misfortune；　it　was　one　of　Aunt　Anne's　more　worldly　hours　and　she　thought　that　she　would　spend　it　in　training　Maggie。　Very　goodbut　Maggie　dropped　a　glass　into　which　flowers　were　to　have　been　put；　she　shook　her　pen　when　she　was　addressing　some　envelopes　so　that　some　drops　of　ink　were　scattered　upon　the　carpet；　and；　in　her　haste　to　be　punctual；　she　banged　her　bedroom　door　so　loudly　that　Aunt　Anne　was　waked　from　her　afternoon　nap。

A　scene　followed。　Aunt　Anne　showed　herself　very　human；　like　any　other　aunt　justly　exasperated　by　any　other　niece。

〃I　sometimes　despair　of　you；　Maggie。　You　will　not　think　of　others。　I　don't　wish　to　be　hard　or　unjust；　but　selfishness　is　the　name　of　your　greatest　weakness。〃

Maggie；　standing　with　her　hands　behind　her；　a　spot　of　ink　on　her　nose　and　her　short　hair　ruffled；　was　hard　and　unrepentant。

〃You　must　send　me　away；〃　she　said；　〃I'm　not　a　success　here。　You　don't　like　me。〃

Aunt　Anne　looked　at　Maggie　with　eyes　that　were　clear　and　cold　like　deep　unfriendly　waters。　〃You　mustn't　say　that。　We　love　you；　but　you　have　very　much　to　learn。　To…night　I　shall　speak　to　Miss　Avies　and　arrange　that　you　go　to　have　a　talk　with　her　sometimes。　She　is　a　wise　woman　who　knows　many　things。　My　sister　and　I　are　not　strong　enough　to　deal　with　you；　and　we　are　weakened　perhaps　by　our　love　for　you。〃

〃I　don't　want　to　go　to…night；〃　Maggie　said；　then　she　burst　out：　〃Oh；　can't　I　lead　an　ordinary　life　like　other　girlsbe　free　and　find　things　out　for　myself；　not　only　go　by　what　older　people　tell　me　earn　my　living　and　be　free？　I've　never　lived　an　ordinary　life。　Life　with　Father　wasn't　fair；　and　now〃

Aunt　Anne　put　out　her　arm　and　drew　her　towards　her。　〃Poor　Maggie　。　。　。　Aren't　you　unfair　to　us？　Do　you　suppose　really　that　we　don't　love　you？　Do　you　think　that　I　don't　understand？　You　shall　be　free；　afterwards；　if　you　wishperfectly　freebut　you　must　have　the　opportunity　of　learning　what　this　life　is　first；　what　the　love　of　God　is；　what　the　companionship　of　Him　is。　If　after　you　have　seen　you　still　reject　it；　we　will　not　try　to　keep　you。　But　it　is　God's　will　that　you　stay　with　us　for　a　time。〃

〃How　do　you　know　that　it　is　God's　will？〃　asked　Maggie；　melted　nevertheless；　as　she　always　was　by　any　sign　of　affection。

〃He　has　told　me；〃　Aunt　Anne　answered；　and　then　closed　her　eyes。

Maggie　went　away　with　a　sensation　of　being　tracked　by　some　stealthy　mysterious　force　that　was　creeping　ever　closer　and　closer　upon　her；　that　she　could　only　feel　but　not　see。　For　instance；　she　might　have　said　that　she　would　not　go　to　Chapel　to…night；　and　she　might　have　taken　her　stand　upon　that。　And　yet　she　could　not　say　that。　Of　course　she　must　go　because　she　must　see　Martin；　but　even　if　she　had　known　that　he　would　not　be　there　she　would　have　gone。　Was　it　curiosity？　Was　it　reminiscence？　Was　it　superstition？　Was　it　cowardice？　Was　it　loneliness？　All　these　things；　perhaps；　and　yet　something　more　than　they　。　。　。

All　through　the　afternoon　of　the　lovely　November　day　she　anticipated　that　evening's　services　as　though　it　were　in　some　way　to　be　a　climax。　She　knew　that　it　was　to　be　for　all　of　them　an　especial　affair。　She　had　heard　during　the　last　days　much　discussion　of　old　Mr。　Crashaw。　He　was　an　old　man　with；　apparently；　a　wonderful　history　of　conversions　behind　him。　His　conversions　had　been；　it　seemed；　of　the　forcible　kind；　seizing　people　by　the　neck　and　shoving　them　in；　he　was　a　fierce　and　militant　kind　of　saint；　he　believed；　it　seemed；　in　damnation　and　eternal　hell　fire；　and　could　make　you　believe　in　them　too；　his　accent　was　on　the　tortures　rather　than　the　triumphs　of　religion。

But　Maggie　had　other　thoughts；　in　this；　outside　Mr。　Crashaw。　She　had　never　lost　the　force　of　that　first　meeting　with　Mr。　Warlock；　she　had　avoided　him　simply　because　she　was　afraid　lest　he　should　influence　her　too　much；　but　now　after　her　friendship　with　Martin　she　felt　that　she　could　never　meet　old　Mr。　Warlock　frankly　again。　What　he　would　say　to　her　if　he　knew　that　she　meant　to　take　his　son　away　from　him　she　knew　well　enough。　On　every　side　there　was　trouble　and　difficulty。　She　could　not　see　a　friend　anywhere　unless　it　was　Caroline；　whom　she　did　not　completely　trust；　and　Mr。　Magnus；　whom　her　deception　of　her　aunt　would；　she　knew；　most　deeply　distress。　Meanwhile　she　was　being　pushed　forward　more　and　more　into　the　especial　religious　atmosphere　of　the　house；　the　Chapel　and　the　Chapel　sect。　Of　no　use　to　tell　herself　that　this　was　only　a　tiny　fragment　of　the　whole　world；　that　there；　only　five　yards　away　from　her；　in　the　Strand；　was　a　life　that　swept　past　the　Chapel　and　its　worshippers　with　the　utmost；　completest　indifference。　She　had　always　this　feeling　that　she　was　caught；　that　she　could　only　escape　by　a　desperate　violent　effort　that　would　hurt　others　and　perhaps　be；　for　herself；　a　lasting　reproach。　She　wanted　so　simple　a　thing　。　。　。　to　be　always　with　Martin；　working；　with　all　this　confusing；　baffling；　mysterious　religion　behind　her；　this　simple　thing　seemed　incredibly　difficult　of　attainment。

Nevertheless；　when　they　started　that　evening　for　the　Chapel　she　felt；　in　spite　of　herself；　a　strange　almost　pleasurable　excitement。　There　was；　in　that　plain；　ugly　building　some　force　that　could　not　be　denied。　Was　it　the　force　of　the　worshippers'　belief？　Was　it　the　force　of　some　outside　power　that　watched　ironically　the　efforts　of　those　poor　human　beings　to　discover　it？　Was　it　the　love　of　a　father　for　his　children？　No；　there　was　very　little　love　in　this　creedno　more　than　there　had　been　in　her　father's　creed　before。　As　she　walked　along　between　her　aunts　her　brain　was　a　curious　jumble　of　religion；　Martin；　and　how　she　was　ever　going　to　learn　to　be　tidy　and　punctual。

〃Well；　I　won't　care；〃　was　the　resolution　with　which　she　always　brought　to　an　end　her　discussions　and　misgivings。　〃I'm　myself。　Nobody　can　touch　me　unless　I　let　them。〃

It　was　a　most　lovely　evening；　very　pale　and　clear　with　an　orange　light　in　the　sky　like　the　reflection　of　some　far　distant　towering　fire。　The　air　was　still　and　the　rumble　of　the　town　scarcely　penetrated　into　their　street；　they　could　hear　the　ugly　voice　of　the　little　Chapel　bell　jangling　in　the　heart　of　the　houses；　there　was　a　scent　of　chrysanthemums　from　somewhere　and　a　very　faint　suggestion　of　snoweven　before　they　reached　the　Chapel　door　a　few　flakes　lazily　began　to　fall。

Maggie　was　thinking　now　only　of　Martin。　There　was　a　gas…lamp　already　lighted　in　the　Chapel　doorway；　and　this　blinded　her　eyes。　She　had　hoped　that　he　would　be　there；　waiting；　so　that　he　might　have　a　word　with　her　before　they　went　in；　but　when　they　were　all　gathered　together　under　the　porch　she　saw　with　a　throb　of　disappointment　that　he　was　not　there。　She　saw　no　one　whom　she　knew；　but　it　struck　her　at　once　that　here　was　a　gathering　quite　different　from　that　of　the　first　time　that　she　had　come　to　the　Chapel。　There　seemed　to　be　more　of　the　servant　class；　rather　they　were　older　women　with　serious　rapt　expressions　and　very　silent。　There　were　men　too；　to…night；　four　or　five　gathered　together　inside　the　passage；　standing　gravely；　without　a　word；　not　moving；　like　statues。　Maggie　was　frightened。　She　felt　like　a　spy　in　an　enemy's　camp；　and　a　spy　waiting　for　an　inevitable　detection；　with　no　hope　of　securing　any　news。　As　she　went　up　the　aisle　behind　her　aunts　her　eyes　searched　for　Martin。　She　could　not　see　him。　Their　seat　was　close　to　the　front；　and　already　seated　in　it　were　the　austere　Miss　Avies　and　two　lady　friends。

Maggie　was　maliciously　pleased　to　observe　that　Miss　Avies　had　not　expected　these　additions　to　her　number　and　was　now　in　danger　of　an　uncomfortable　squashing；　there　was；　indeed；　a　polite　little　struggle　between　Miss　Avies　and　Aunt　Anne　as　to　who　should　have　the　corner　with　a　wooden　arm　upon　which　to　rest。　Miss　Avies'　two　friends；　huddled　and　frightened　like　fledglings　suddenly　surprised　by　a　cuckoo；　stirred　Maggie's　sympathy。　She　disliked　Miss　Avies　from　the　very　first　moment。　Miss　Avies　had　a　pale；　thin；　pointed　face　with　no　eyebrows；　grey　eyes　dim　and　short…sighted；　and　fair　colourless　hair　brushed　straight　back　under　a　hard；　ugly　black　hat。

At　the　same　time　she　was　nervous；　emotional；　restless；　something　about　her　was　always　movingher　lips；　her　hands；　her　shoulders；　her　eyes。　She　was　fierce　and　hostile　and　ineffectual；　one　felt；　so　long　as　she　was　by　herself。　Maggie　did　not；　of　course；　notice　all　this　at　the　time；　but　in　after　years　she　always　looked　back　on　the　pale；　thin；　highly…strung　Miss　Avies　as