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ferocious countenance by the mother; who arrived in the melancholy

wash…house just as he had so settled himself。



'〃Where's my boy?〃 shrieked the mother。



'〃In that copper; boiling;〃 coolly replied the benign father。



'Struck by the awful intelligence; the mother rushed from the

house; and alarmed the neighbourhood。  The police entered a minute

afterwards。  The father; having bolted the wash…house door; had

bolted himself。  They dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker

from the cauldron; and; with a promptitude commendable in men of

their station; they immediately carried it to the station…house。

Subsequently; the baker was apprehended while seated on the top of

a lamp…post in Parliament Street; lighting his pipe。'



The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho; condensed

into the pithy effect of a ten…line paragraph; could not possibly

have so affected the narrator's auditory。  Silence; the purest and

most noble of all kinds of applause; bore ample testimony to the

barbarity of the baker; as well as to Bolton's knack of narration;

and it was only broken after some minutes had elapsed by

interjectional expressions of the intense indignation of every man

present。  The baker wondered how a British baker could so disgrace

himself and the highly honourable calling to which he belonged; and

the others indulged in a variety of wonderments connected with the

subject; among which not the least wonderment was that which was

awakened by the genius and information of Mr。 Robert Bolton; who;

after a glowing eulogium on himself; and his unspeakable influence

with the daily press; was proceeding; with a most solemn

countenance; to hear the pros and cons of the Pope autograph

question; when I took up my hat; and left。







FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD

AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS







MY CHILD;



To recount with what trouble I have brought you up … with what an

anxious eye I have regarded your progress; … how late and how often

I have sat up at night working for you; … and how many thousand

letters I have received from; and written to your various relations

and friends; many of whom have been of a querulous and irritable

turn; … to dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I have

(as far as I possessed the power) inspected and chosen your food;

rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which some injudicious

but well…meaning old ladies would have had you swallow; and

retaining only those light and pleasant articles which I deemed

calculated to keep you free from all gross humours; and to render

you an agreeable child; and one who might be popular with society

in general; … to dilate on the steadiness with which I have

prevented your annoying any company by talking politics … always

assuring you that you would thank me for it yourself some day when

you grew older; … to expatiate; in short; upon my own assiduity as

a parent; is beside my present purpose; though I cannot but

contemplate your fair appearance … your robust health; and

unimpeded circulation (which I take to be the great secret of your

good looks) without the liveliest satisfaction and delight。



It is a trite observation; and one which; young as you are; I have

no doubt you have often heard repeated; that we have fallen upon

strange times; and live in days of constant shiftings and changes。

I had a melancholy instance of this only a week or two since。  I

was returning from Manchester to London by the Mail Train; when I

suddenly fell into another train … a mixed train … of reflection;

occasioned by the dejected and disconsolate demeanour of the Post…

Office Guard。  We were stopping at some station where they take in

water; when he dismounted slowly from the little box in which he

sits in ghastly mockery of his old condition with pistol and

blunderbuss beside him; ready to shoot the first highwayman (or

railwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses; which now travel

(when they travel at all) INSIDE and in a portable stable invented

for the purpose; … he dismounted; I say; slowly and sadly; from his

post; and looking mournfully about him as if in dismal recollection

of the old roadside public…house the blazing fire … the glass of

foaming ale … the buxom handmaid and admiring hangers…on of tap…

room and stable; all honoured by his notice; and; retiring a little

apart; stood leaning against a signal…post; surveying the engine

with a look of combined affliction and disgust which no words can

describe。  His scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished with

ignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl

… his pride in days of yore … the steam condensed in the tunnel

from which we had just emerged; shone upon his hat like rain。  His

eye betokened that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it

wandered to his own seat and his own fast…fading garb; it was plain

to see that he felt his office and himself had alike no business

there; and were nothing but an elaborate practical joke。



As we whirled away; I was led insensibly into an anticipation of

those days to come; when mail…coach guards shall no longer be

judges of horse…flesh … when a mail…coach guard shall never even

have seen a horse … when stations shall have superseded stables;

and corn shall have given place to coke。  'In those dawning times;'

thought I; 'exhibition…rooms shall teem with portraits of Her

Majesty's favourite engine; with boilers after Nature by future

Landseers。  Some Amburgh; yet unborn; shall break wild horses by

his magic power; and in the dress of a mail…coach guard exhibit his

TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail…coach。  Then; shall wondering crowds

observe how that; with the exception of his whip; it is all his

eye; and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats; and stand alone

unmoved and undismayed; while counters flee affrighted when the

coursers neigh!'



Such; my child; were the reflections from which I was only awakened

then; as I am now; by the necessity of attending to matters of

present though minor importance。  I offer no apology to you for the

digression; for it brings me very naturally to the subject of

change; which is the very subject of which I desire to treat。



In fact; my child; you have changed hands。  Henceforth I resign you

to the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate and

valued friends; Mr。 Ainsworth; with whom; and with you; my best

wishes and warmest feelings will ever remain。  I reap no gain or

profit by parting from you; nor will any conveyance of your

property be required; for; in this respect; you have always been

literally 'Bentley's' Miscellany; and never mine。



Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail; I regard this altered

state of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and

satisfaction。



Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail; YOUR guard is at home

in his new place; and has roystering highwaymen and gallant

desperadoes ever within call。  And if I might compare you; my

child; to an engine; (not a Tory engine; nor a Whig engine; but a

brisk and rapid locomotive;) your friends and patrons to

passengers; and he who now stands towards you IN LOCO PARENTIS as

the skilful engineer and supervisor of the whole; I would humbly

crave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its new and

auspicious course for one brief instant; while; with hat in hand; I

approach side by side with the friend who travelled with me on the

old road; and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf of

him and his new charge; both for their sakes and that of the old

coachman;



Boz。









Footnotes:



(1) This paper was written before the practice of exhibiting

Members of Parliament; like other curiosities; for the small charge

of half…a…crown; was abolished。



(2) The regulations of the prison relative to the confinement of

prisoners during the day; their sleeping at night; their taking

their meals; and other matters of gaol economy; have been all

altered…greatly for the better … since this sketch was first

published。  Even the construction of the prison itself has been

changed。



(3) These two men were executed shortly afterwards。  The other was

respited during his Majesty's pleasure。











End 

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