hr.thecarpetbaggers-第9部分

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couldn't　sleep。　Too　many　thoughts　were　racing　through　my　mind。　I　wondered　if　that　was　the　reason　I　used　to　hear　my　father　pacing　up　and　down　in　his　room　long　after　the　rest　of　the　house　had　gone　to　bed。
　There　was　a　sound　at　the　door。　I　sat　up　in　bed。　My　voice　jarred　the　stillness。　〃Who　is　it？〃
　The　door　opened　farther　and　I　could　see　her　face；　the　rest　of　her　dissolved　into　the　darkness　along　with　the　black　negligee。　Her　voice　was　very　low　as　she　closed　the　door　behind　her。　〃I　thought　you　might　be　awake；　Jonas。　I　couldn't　sleep；　either。〃
　〃Worried　about　your　money？〃　I　asked　sarcastically。　〃The　check's　over　there　on　the　dresser　along　with　the　notes。　Just　sign　the　release　and　it's　yours。〃
　〃It　isn't　the　money；〃　she　said；　ing　still　further　into　the　room。
　〃What　is　it；　then？〃　I　asked　coldly。　〃You　came　to　say　you're　sorry？　To　express　your　sympathy？　Is　this　a　condolence　call？〃
　She　was　standing　next　to　the　bed　now　and　looked　down　at　me。　〃You　don't　have　to　say　things　like　that；　Jonas；〃　she　said　simply。　〃Even　if　he　was　your　father；　I　was　his　wife。　Yes；　I　came　to　say　I'm　sorry。〃
　But　I　wasn't　satisfied　with　that。　〃Sorry　about　what？〃　I　flung　at　her。　〃Sorry　he　didn't　give　you　more　than　he　did？　Sorry　that　you　didn't　marry　me　instead　of　him？〃　I　laughed　bitterly。　〃You　didn't　love　him。〃
　〃No；　I　didn't　love　him；〃　she　said　tightly。　〃But　I　respected　him。　He　was　more　a　man　than　anyone　I　ever　met。〃
　I　didn't　speak。
　Suddenly　she　was　crying。　She　sat　down　on　the　edge　of　the　bed　and　hid　her　face　in　her　hands。
　〃Cut　it　out；〃　I　said　roughly。　〃It's　too　late　for　tears。〃　
　She　put　her　hands　down　and　stared　at　me。　In　the　darkness；　I　could　see　the　wet　silver　sparkle　rolling　down　her　cheeks。　〃What　do　you　know　it's　too　late　for？〃　she　cried。　〃Too　late　to　love　him？　It　isn't　that　I　didn't　try。　It's　just　that　I'm　not　capable　of　love。　I　don't　know　why。　It's　the　way　I　am；　that's　all。　Your　father　knew　that　and　understood　it。　That's　why　I　married　him。　Not　for　his　money。　He　knew　that；　too。　And　he　was　content　with　what　I　gave　him。〃
　〃If　that's　the　truth；〃　I　said；　〃then　what　are　you　crying　for？〃　
　〃Because　I'm　frightened；〃　she　said。
　〃Frightened？〃　I　laughed。　It　just　didn't　fit　her。　〃What　are　you　afraid　of？〃
　She　took　a　cigarette　from　somewhere　in　her　negligee　and　put　it　in　her　mouth　unlit。　Her　eyes　shone　at　me　like　a　panther's　eyes　must　in　a　desert　campfire　at　night。　〃Men；〃　she　said　shortly。
　〃Men？〃　I　repeated。　〃You　…　afraid　of　men？　Why；　you're　the　original　teasing…　〃
　〃That's　right；　you　stupid　fool！〃　she　said　angrily。　〃I'm　afraid　of　men；　listening　to　their　demands；　putting　up　with　their　lecherous　hands　and　one…track　minds。　And　hearing　them　disguise　their　desire　with　the　words　of　love　when　all　they　want　is　just　one　thing。　To　get　inside　me！〃
　〃You're　crazy！〃　I　said　angrily。　〃That's　not　the　only　thing　we　think　of！〃
　〃No？〃　she　asked。　I　heard　the　rasp　of　a　match　and　the　flame　broke　the　darkness。　She　looked　down　at　me。　〃Then　look　at　yourself；　Jonas。　Look　at　yourself　lusting　for　your　father's　wife！〃
　I　didn't　have　to　look　to　know　she　was　right。　I　knocked　the　match　angrily　from　her　hand。
　Then；　all　at　once；　she　was　clinging　to　me；　her　lips　placing　tiny　kisses　on　my　face　and　chin；　her　body　trembling　with　her　fears。　〃Jonas；　Jonas。　Please　let　me　stay　with　you。　Just　for　to…night；〃　she　cried。　〃I'm　afraid　to　be　alone！〃
　I　raised　my　hands　to　push　her　away。　She　was　naked　beneath　the　black　negligee。　Her　flesh　was　cool　and　soft　as　the　summer　desert　breeze　and　her　thrusting　nipples　rasped　across　the　palms　of　my　rising　hands。
　I　froze；　staring　at　her　in　the　darkness。　There　was　only　her　face　before　me；　then　the　taste　of　her　salty　tears　on　her　lips　and　mine。　The　anger　inside　me　washed　away　in　the　cascading　torrent　of　desire。　And　with　only　my　devil　to　guide　us；　together　we　plunged　into　the　fiery　pleasures　of　our　own　particular　hell。
　
　I　awoke　and　glanced　at　the　window。　The　first　flicker　of　dawn　was　spilling　into　the　room。　I　turned　to　look　at　Rina。　She　was　lying　on　my　pillow；　her　arm　flung　across　her　eyes。　I　touched　her　shoulder　lightly。
　She　took　away　her　arm。　Her　eyes　were　open；　they　were　clear　and　calm。
　She　got　out　of　bed　in　a　smooth；　fluid　motion。　Her　body　shone　with　a　young；　golden　translucence。　She　picked　up　her　black　negligee　from　the　foot　of　the　bed　and　slipped　into　it。　I　sat　there　watching　her　as　she　walked　over　to　the　dresser。
　〃There's　a　pen　in　the　top　right　drawer；〃　I　said。
　She　took　out　the　pen　and　signed　the　release。
　〃Aren't　you　going　to　read　it？〃　I　asked。
　She　shook　her　head。　〃What　for？　You　can't　get　any　more　than　I　agreed　to　give　you。〃
　She　was　right。　She　had　forgone　all　rights　to　any　further　claims　in　the　estate。　Picking　up　the　check　and　the　notes；　she　walked　to　the　door。　She　turned　there　and　looked　back　at　me。
　〃I　won't　be　here　when　you　get　back　from　the　plant。〃
　I　looked　at　her　for　a　moment。　〃You　don't　have　to　go；〃　I　said。
　Her　eyes　met　mine。　I　thought　I　caught　a　hint　of　sadness　in　them。　〃No；　Jonas；〃　she　said　softly。　〃It　wouldn't　work　out。〃
　〃Maybe；〃　I　said。
　〃No；　Jonas；〃　she　said。　〃It's　time　you　got　out　from　under　the　shadow　of　your　father。　He　was　a　great　man　but　so　will　you　be。　In　your　own　way。〃
　I　reached　for　a　cigarette　on　the　bedside　table　and　lit　it　without　speaking。　The　smoke　burned　into　my　lungs。
　〃Good…by；　Jonas；〃　she　said。　〃Good　luck。〃　
　I　stared　at　her　for　a　moment；　then　I　spoke。　My　voice　was　husky　from　the　cigarette。　〃Thank　you；〃　I　said。　〃Good…by；　Rina。〃
　The　door　opened　and　shut　quickly　and　she　was　gone。　I　got　out　of　bed　and　walked　over　to　the　window。　The　first　morning　red　of　the　sun　was　on　the　horizon。　It　was　going　to　be　a　scorcher。
　I　heard　the　door　open　behind　me　and　my　heart　leaped　inside　my　breast。　She　had　e　back。　I　turned　around。
　Robair　came　into　the　room　carrying　a　tray。　His　white　teeth　flashed　in　a　gentle　smile。　〃I　thought　you　might　do　with　a　cup　of　coffee。〃
　
　When　I　got　down　to　the　plant；　Jake　Platt　had　a　gang　of　men　up　on　the　roof；　painting　it　white。　I　grinned　to　myself　and　went　inside。
　That　first　day　was　hectic。　It　seemed　that　nothing　went　right。　The　detonator　caps　we　had　sent　to　Endicott　Mines　were　faulted　and　we　had　to　rush…ship　replacements。　For　the　third　time　that　year；　Du　Pont　underbid　us　on　a　government　contract　for　pressed　cordite。
　I　spent　half　the　day　going　over　the　figures　and　it　finally　boiled　down　to　our　policy　on　percentage　of　profit。　When　I　suggested　that　we'd　better　re…examine　our　policy　if　it　was　going　to　cost　us　business；　Jake　Platt　protested。　My　father；　he　said；　claimed　it　didn't　pay　them　to　operate　on　a　basis　of　less　than　twelve　per　cent。　I　blew　up　and　told　Jake　Platt　that　I　was　running　the　factory　now　and　what　my　father　had　done　was　his　own　business。　On　the　next　bid；　I'd　damn　sure　make　certain　we　underbid　Du　Pont　by　at　least　three　cents　a　pound。
　By　that　time；　it　was　five　o'clock　and　the　production　foreman　came　in　with　the　production　figures。　I'd　just　started　to　go　over　them　when　Nevada　interrupted　me。　
　〃Jonas；〃　he　said。
　I　looked　up。　He　had　been　there　in　the　office　all　day　but　he　was　quiet　and　sat　in　a　corner　and　I　had　even　forgotten　that　he　was　there。　〃Yes？〃　I　answered。
　〃Is　it　all　right　if　I　leave　a　little　early？〃　he　asked。　〃I　got　some　things　to　do。〃
　〃Sure；〃　I　said；　looking　down　at　the　production　sheets　again。　〃Take　the　Duesenberg。　I'll　get　Jake　to　drive　me　home。〃　
　〃I　won't　need　it；〃　he　said。　〃I　left　my　own　car　in　the　lot。〃　
　〃Nevada；〃　I　called　after　him。　〃Tell　Robair　I'll　be　home　for　dinner　at　eight　o'clock。〃
　There　was　a　moment's　hesitation；　then　I　heard　his　reply。　〃Sure　thing；　Jonas。　I'll　tell　him。〃
　I　was　through　earlier　than　I　had　expected　and　pulled　the　Duesenberg　up　in　front　of　the　house　at　seven　thirty；　just　as　Nevada　came　down　the　steps　with　a　valise　in　each　hand。
　He　stared　at　me　in　a　kind　of　surprise。　〃You're　home　early。〃　
　〃Yeah；〃　I　answered。　〃I　finished　sooner　than　I　thought〃　
　〃Oh；〃　he　said　and　continued　down　the　steps　to　his　car。　He　put　the　valises　in　the　back。
　I　followed　him　down　and　I　could　see　the　back　of　his　car　was　filled　with　luggage。　〃Where　you　going　with　all　that　stuff；　Nevada？〃
　〃It's　mine；〃　he　said　gruffly。
　〃I　didn't　say　it　wasn't；〃　I　said。　〃I　just　asked　where　you　were　going。〃
　〃I'm　leavin'。〃
　〃On　a　hunting　trip？〃　I　asked。　This　was　the　time　of　the　year　Nevada　and　I　always　used　to　go　up　into　the　mountains　when　I　was　a　kid。
　〃Nope；〃　he　said。　〃Fer　good。〃
　〃Wait　a　minute；〃　I　said。　〃You　just　can't　walk　out　like　that。〃
　His　dark　eyes　bore　into　mine。　〃Who　says　I　can't？〃
　〃I　do；〃　I　said。　〃How'm　I　going　to　get　along　without　you？〃
　He　smiled　slowly。　〃Real　good；　I　reckon。　You　don't　need　me　to　wet…nurse　you　no　more。　I　been　watchin'　you　the　last　few　days。〃
　〃But…　but；〃　I　protested。
　Nevada　smiled　slowly。　〃All　jobs　got　to　end　sometime；　Jonas。　I　put　about　sixteen　years　into　this　one　and　now　there's　nothing　left　for　me　to　do。　I　don't　like　the　idea　of　drawing　a　salary　with　no　real　way　to　earn　it。〃
　I　stared　at　him　for　a　moment。　He　was　right。　There　was　too　much　man　in　him　to　hang　around　being　a　flunky。　〃You　got　enough　money？〃
　He　nodded。　〃I　never　spent　a　cent　of　my　own　in　sixteen　years。　Your　pappy　wouldn't　let　me。〃
　〃What　are　you　going　to　do？〃
　〃Join　up　with　a　couple　of　old　buddies。　We're　takin'　a　Wild…West　show　up　the　coast　to　California。　Expect　to　have　a　real　big　time。〃
　We　stood　around　awkwardly　for　a　moment；　then　Nevada　put　out　his　hand。　〃So　long；　Jonas。〃
　I　held　onto　his　hand。　I　could　feel　the　tears　hovering　just　beneath　my　eyelids。　〃So　long；　Nevada。〃
　He　walked　around　the　car　and　got　in　behind　the　wheel。　Starting　the　motor　he　shifted　into　gear。　He　raised　his　hand　in　farewell　just　as　he　began　to　roll。
　〃Keep　in　touch；　Nevada；〃　I　yelled　after　him；　and　watched　until　he　was　out　of　sight。
　I　walked　back　into　the　house　and　went　into　the　dining　room。　I　sat　down　at　the　empty　table。
　Robair　came　in　with　an　envelope　in　his　hand。　〃Mr。　Nevada　left　this　for　you；〃　he　said。
　Numbly　I　opened　it　and　took　out　a　note　written　laboriously　in　pencil：
　
　DEAR　SON；
　I　ain't　much　of　a　man　for　good…bys；　so　this　is　it。　There　ain't　nothing　any　more　for　me　to　do　around　here　so　I　figure　it's　time　I　went。　All　my　life　I　wanted　to　give　you　something　for　your　birthday　but　your　pappy