annr.pandora-第15部分

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ce　after　my　ships　were　captured　by　pirates　in　the　Adriatic。　Your　Father　put　his　money　in　with　mine　and　I　made　profits　for　both　of　us。　The　Greek　owed　your　Father　money。　Worry　about　those　matters　no　more。　But　we　must　go！〃
　〃God　be　with　you；　Pandora；〃　said　Jacob。
　Jewels。　Where　were　the　jewels？　I　leapt　up　and　opened　the　casket。　There　were　hundreds　of　them；　flawless；　dazzlingly　clear　and　exquisitely　polished。　I　saw　their　value；　their　clarity　and　the　care　of　the　polishing。　I　took　the　big　egg…shaped　ruby　David　had　shown　to　me　and　then　another　just　like　it　and　thrust　them　at　the　two　men。
　They　put　up　their　hands　to　say　No。
　〃Oh；　but　you　must；〃　I　said；　〃Give　me　this　respect。　Confirm　for　me　that　I　am　a　free　Roman　woman　and　that　I　shall　live　as　my　Father　told　me　to　do！　It　will　give　me　courage！　Take　this　from　me。〃
　David　shook　his　head　sternly；　but　Jacob　took　the　ruby。
　〃Pandora；　here；　the　keys。　Follow　us　and　lock　the　gate　at　the　street　and　then　the　doors　to　the　vestibule。　Don't　fear。　There　are　lamps　everywhere。　Plenty　of　oil　…〃
　〃Go！〃　I　said　as　they　passed　over　the　threshold。　I　locked　the　gate　and　held　to　the　bars；　staring　at　them。
　If　you　can't　get　out；　if　you　need　me；　e　back
　here；〃　I　said。
　〃We　have　our　own　people　here；〃　Jacob　said　soothingly。　〃Thank　you　from　my　heart　for　the　beautiful　ruby；　Pandora。　You　will　survive。　Go　back　in；　bolt　the　doors。〃
　I　made　it　to　the　chair　but　I　did　not　sit　in　it。　Rather　I　collapsed　and　prayed；　〃Lares　familiares。。。　spirits　of　the　house；　I　should　find　your　altar。　Wele　me；　please；　I　bring　no　ill　will　to　anyone。　I　will　heap　your　altar　with　flowers　and　light　your　fire。　Give　me　patience。　Let　me。。。　rest。〃
　Yet　I　did　nothing　but　sit　in　shock　on　the　floor；　my　hands　limp；　for　hours　as　the　daylight　waned。　As　the　strange　little　house　grew　dark
　A　blood　dream　began；　but　I　wouldn't　have　it。　Not　that　alien　Temple。　Not　the　altar；　no！　Not　the　blood。　I　banished　it　and　imagined　I　was　home。
　I　was　a　little　girl。　Dream　of　that；　I　told　myself；　of　listening　to　my　eldest　brother；　Antony；　talk　of　war　in　the　North；　driving　the　mad　Germans　back　to　the　sea！　He　had　so　loved　Germanicus。　So　had　my　other　brothers。　Lucius；　the　young　one；　he　was　so　weak　by　nature。　It　broke　my　heart　to　think　of　him　crying　out　for　mercy　as　soldiers　cut　him　down。
　The　Empire　was　the　world。　All　that　lay　beyond　was　chaos　and　misery　and　struggle　and　strife。　I　was　a　soldier。　I　could　fight。　I　dreamt　I　was　putting　on　my　armor。　My　brother　said；　〃I　am　so　relieved　to　discover　you　are　a　man；　I　always　thought　so。〃
　I　didn't　waken　till　the　following　morning。
　And　then　it　was　that　grief　and　pain　made　themselves　known　to　me　as　never　before。
　Note　this。　Because　I　knew　the　full　absurdity　of　Fate　and　Fortune　and　Nature　more　truly　than　a　human　can　bear　to　know　it。　And　perhaps　the　description　of　this；　brief　as　it　is；　may　give　consolation　to　another。　The　worst　takes　its　time　to　e；　and　then　to　pass。
　The　truth　is；　you　cannot　prepare　anyone　for　this；　nor　convey　an　understanding　of　it　through　language。　It　must　be　known。　And　this　I　would　wish　on　no　one　in　the　world。
　I　was　alone。　I　went　from　room　to　room　of　this　small　house；　banging　upon　the　walls　with　my　fists　and　crying　with　my　teeth　clenched；　and　whirling。　There　was　no　Mother　Isis。
　There　were　no　gods。　Philosophers　were　fools！　Poets　sang　lies。
　I　sobbed　and　tore　at　my　hair；　I　tore　at　my　dress　as　naturally　as　if　it　had　been　a　newborn　custom。　I　knocked　over　chairs　and　tables；
　At　times　I　felt　a　huge　exhilaration；　a　freedom　from　all　falsehoods　and　conventions；　all　means　by　which　a　soul　or　body　can　be　held　hostage！
　And　then　the　awesome　nature　of　this　freedom　spread　itself　out　around　me　as　if　the　house　did　not　exist；　as　if　the　darkness　knew　no　walls。
　Three　nights　and　days　I　spent　in　this　agony。
　I　forgot　to　eat　food。　I　forgot　to　drink　water。
　I　never　lighted　a　lamp。　The　moon　nearing　her　fullness　gave　enough　light　to　this　meaningless　labyrinth　of　little　painted　chambers。
　Sleep　was　gone　from　me　forever。
　My　heart　beat　fast。　My　limbs　clenched；　then　slackened；　only　to　clench　again。
　At　times；　I　lay　on　the　moist　good　Earth　of　the　courtyard；　for　my　Father；　because　no　one　had　laid　his　body　on　the　moist　good　Earth；　as　it　should　have　been　done；　right　after　his　death　and　before　any　funeral。
　I　knew　suddenly　why　this　disgrace　was　so　important；　his　body　rent　with　wounds　and　not　placed　on　the　Earth。　I　knew　the　gravity　of　this　omission　as　few　have　ever　known　the　meaning　of　anything。　It　was　of　the　utmost　importance　because　it　did　not　matter　at　all！
　Live；　Lydia。
　I　looked　at　the　small　leafy　trees　of　the　garden。　I　felt　a　strange　gratitude　that　I　had　opened　human　eyes　in　this　darkness　on　Earth　long　enough　to　see　such　things。
　I　quoted　Lucretius：
　〃That　which　es　from　Heaven　ascends　to　Heaven〃？
　Madness！
　Alas；　as　I　said；　I　wandered；　crawled；　wept　and　cried　for　three　nights　and　days。
　
　
　4
　
　Finally；　one　morning；　when　the　sun　came　spilling　down　through　the　open　roof；　I　looked　at　the　objects　in　the　room　and　I　realized　I　didn't　know　what　they　were；　or　what　they'd　been　made　for。　I　didn't　know　their　mon　names。　I　was　removed　from　their　definitions。　I　didn't　even　know　this　place。
　I　sat　up　and　realized　I　was　looking　at　the　Lararium；　the　shrine　of　the　household　gods。
　This　was　the　dining　room　of　course；　and　those　were　the　couches；　and　there　the　glorious　conjugal　bed！
　The　Lararium　was　a　high　three…sided　shrine；　a　little　temple　with　three　pediments；　and　inside　stood　figures　of　old　household　gods。　No　one　in　this　profane　city　had　even　taken　them　away　with　the　dead　woman。
　The　flowers　were　dead。　The　fire　had　simply　gone　out。　No　one　had　quenched　it　with　wine；　as　should　have　been　done。
　On　hands　and　knees　I　crawled　in　my　torn　dress　around　the　garden　of　the　peristyle；　gathering　flowers　for　these　gods。　I　found　the　wood　and　made　their　sacred　fire。
　I　stared　at　them。　I　stared　for　hours。　It　seemed　I　would　never　move　again。
　Night　fell。　〃Don't　sleep；〃　I　whispered。　〃Keep　watch　with　the　night！　They　wait　for　you　by　dark；　those　Egyptians！　The　moon；　look；　it's　almost　full；　only　a　night　or　so　from　being　full。〃
　But　the　worst　of　my　agony　had　passed　and　I　was　exhausted；　and　sleep　rose　to　embrace　me。　Sleep　rose　as　if　to　say；　〃Care　no　more。〃
　The　dream　came。
　I　saw　men　in　gilded　robes。　〃You　will　be　taken　now　in　the　sanctum。〃　But　what's　there？　I　didn't　want　to　see。　〃Our　Mother；　our　beloved　Mother　of　Sorrows；〃　said　the　Priest。　The　paintings　on　the　walls　were　rows　upon　rows　of　Egyptians　in　profile；　and　words　made　of　pictures。　Myrrh　burned　in　this　place。
　〃e；〃　said　those　who　held　me。　〃All　the　impurities　have　gone　from　you　now；　and　you　will　partake　of　the　sacred　Fount。〃
　I　could　hear　a　woman　crying　and　moaning。　I　peeped　into　the　great　room　before　I　entered　it。　There　they　were；　the　King　and　the　Queen　on　their　thrones；　the　King　still　and　staring　as　in　the　last　dream；　and　the　Queen　struggling　against　her　golden　fetters。　She　wore　the　crown　of　Upper　and　Lower　Egypt。　And　pleated　linen。　Her　hair　was　not　a　wig　but　real　plaits。　She　cried　and　her　white　cheeks　were　stained　in　red。　Red　stained　her　necklace　and　her　breasts。　She　looked　soiled　and　ignominious。
　〃My　Mother；　my　goddess；〃　I　said。　〃But　this　is　an　abomination。〃
　I　forced　myself　to　wake。
　I　sat　up　and　I　laid　my　hand　on　the　Lararium；　and　looked　at　the　spiderwebs　in　the　trees　of　the　garden；　made　visible　by　the　climbing　sun。
　I　thought　I　heard　people　whispering　in　the　ancient　Egyptian　tongue。
　I　was　not　going　to　allow　this！　I　would　not　go　mad。
　Enough！　The　only　man　I　had　ever　loved；　my　Father；　said；　〃Live。〃
　It　was　time　for　action。　To　get　up　and　get　going。　I　was　suddenly　all　strength　and　purpose。
　My　long　nights　of　mourning　and　weeping　had　been　equivalent　to　the　initiation　in　the　Temple；　death　had　been　the　intoxicant；　prehension　had　been　the　transformation。
　It　was　over　now；　and　the　meaningless　world　was　tolerable　and　need　not　be　explained。　And　never　would　it　be；　and　how　foolish　I　had　ever　been　to　think　so。
　The　facts　of　my　predicament　warranted　action。
　I　poured　out　a　cup　of　wine；　and　took　it　with　me　to　the　front　gate。
　The　city　seemed　quiet。　People　weed　to　and　fro；　casting　their　eyes　away　from　a　half…dressed；　ragged　woman　in　her　vestibule。
　At　last　a　workman　trudging　under　his　burden　of　bricks。
　I　thrust　forth　the　wine。　〃I　have　been　ill　for　three　days；〃　I　said。　〃What　of　the　death　of　Germanicus？　How　goes　it　in　the　city？〃
　The　man　was　so　grateful　for　the　wine。　Labor　had　made　him　old。　His　arms　were　thin。　His　hands　shook
　〃Madam；　thank　you；〃　he　said。　He　drained　the　cup；　as　if　he　could　not　stop　himself。　〃Our　Germanicus　was　laid　out　in　the　public　square　for　all　to　see。　How　beautiful　he　was。　Some　pared　him　to　the　great　Alexander。　People　could　not　determine。　Had　he　been　poisoned　or　not？　Some　said　Yes；　some　said　No。
　〃His　soldiers　loved　him。　Governor　Piso；　thank　the　gods；　is　not　here　and　dares　not　e　back。　Germanicus's　wife；　the　gracious　Agrippina；　has　the　ashes　of　Germanicus　in　an　urn　she　carries　next　to　her　breast。　She　sails　for　Rome；　seeking　justice　for　Tiberius。〃
　He　handed　me　the　cup。　〃I　humbly　thank　you。〃
　〃The　city　is　as　usual　again。〃
　〃Oh；　yes；　what　could　stop　this　glorified　marketplace？〃　he　declared。　〃Business　goes　on　as　always。　The　loyal　soldiers　of　Germanicus　keep　the　peace；　waiting　for　justice。　They　will　not　let　the　murderous　Piso　return；　and　Sentius　gathers　to　himself　here　all　who　served　under　Germanicus。　The　city　is　happy。　The　flame　burns　for　Germanicus。　If　there　is　war；　it　won't　be　here。　Don't　worry。〃
　〃Thank　you；　you　have　helped　me　marvelously　much。〃
　I　took　the　cup；　locked　the　gate；　shut　the　door　and　went　into　action。
　Nibbling　on　enough　bread　to　give　me　strength；　and　murmuring　aloud　the　mon　sense　of　Luretius；　I　surveyed　the　house。　It　had　a　large　luxurious　bath　on　the　right　side　of　the　courtyard。　Full　of　light。　Water　flowed　steadily　from　the　seashells　of　the　nymphs　into　the　plastered　basin；　and　the　water　was　fine。　There　was　no　need　to　light　a　fire　for　it。
　In　the　bedchamber　were　my　clothes。
　Roman　dresses　were　simple；　as　you　know；　just　long　shifts　or　tunics；　and　we　wore　two　or　three　of　them；　plus　an　outdoor　coverup　tunic；　the　stola；　and　finally　the　palla；　or　mantle；　which　hung　to　the　an