annr.pandora-第39部分

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　〃This　is　your　vengeance　on　me；〃　he　said。　I　walked　towards　the　gate　and　he　followed。　〃Pandora；　not　alone。〃
　〃Marius；　my　love；〃　I　said；　turning；　taking　his　hand。　〃It　is　not　vengeance。　The　words　you　spoke　earlier；　'girl'　and　'woman；'　they　have　always　circumscribed　my　life。　I　want　only　now　to　walk　fearlessly　with　my　arms　bare　and　my　hair　down　my　hack；　into　any　cavern　of　danger　I　choose。　I　am　drunk　still　from　her　blood；　from　yours！　Things　shimmer　and　flicker　that　should　shine。　I　must　be　alone　to　ponder　all　you've　said。〃
　〃But　you　have　to　be　back　before　dawn；　well　before。　You　have　to　be　with　me　in　the　crypt　below。　You　can't　merely　lie　in　some　room　somewhere。　The　deadly　light　will　penetrate　…〃
　He　was　so　protective；　so　lustrous；　so　infuriated。
　〃I　will　be　back；〃　I　said；　〃and　well　before　dawn；　and　for　now；　my　heart　will　break　if　we　are　not；　as　of　this　moment；　bound　together。〃
　〃We　are　bound；〃　he　said。　〃Pandora；　you　could　drive　me　mad。〃
　He　stopped　at　the　bars　of　the　gate。
　〃Don't　e　any　farther；〃　I　said　as　I　left。
　I　walked　down　towards　Antioch。　My　legs　had　such　strength　and　spring；　and　the　dust　and　pebbles　of　the　road　were　nothing　to　my　feet；　and　my　eyes　penetrated　the　night　to　see　the　full　conspiracy　of　owls　and　little　rodents　that　hovered　in　the　trees；　eyeing　me；　then　fleeing　as　if　their　natural　senses　warned　them　against　me。
　Soon　I　came　into　the　city　proper。　I　think　the　resolution　with　which　I　moved　from　little　street　to　little　street　was　enough　to　frighten　anyone　who　would　have　contemplated　molesting　me。　I　heard　only　cowardice　and　erotic　curses　from　the　dark；　those　tangled　ugly　curses　men　heap　on　women　they　desire　…　half　threat；　half　dismissal。
　I　could　sense　the　people　in　their　houses　fast　asleep；　and　hear　the　guards　on　watch；　talking　in　their　barracks　behind　the　Forum。
　I　did　all　the　things　the　new　blood　drinkers　always　do。　I　touched　the　surfaces　of　walls　and　stared；　enchanted　at　a　mon　torch　and　the　moths　that　gave　themselves　up　to　it。　I　felt　against　my　naked　arms　and　fragile　tunic　the　dreams　of　all　Antioch　surrounding　me。
　Rats　fled　up　and　down　the　gutters　and　the　streets。　The　river　gave　off　its　own　sound；　and　there　came　a　hollow　echoing　from　the　ships　at　anchor；　even　from　the　faintest　stirring　of　the　water。
　The　Forum；　resplendent　with　its　ever　burning　lights；　caught　the　moon　as　if　it　were　a　great　human　trap　for　it；　the　very　reverse　of　an　earthly　crater；　a　man…made　design　that　could　be　seen　and　blessed　by　the　intransigent　heavens。
　When　I　came　to　my　own　house；；　I　found　I　could　climb　to　the　very　top　easily；　and　there　I　sat　on　the　tiled　roof；　so　relaxed　and　secure　and　free；　looking　down　into　the　courtyard；　into　the　peristyle；　where　I　had　really　learned　…　alone　on　those　three　nights　…　the　truths　that　had　prepared　me　for　Akasha's　blood。
　In　calmness　and　without　pain；　I　thought　it　through　again　…　as　if　I　owed　this　reconsideration　to　the　woman　I　had　been；　the　initiate；　the　woman　who　had　sought　refuge　in　the　Temple。　Marius　was　right。　The　Queen　and　King　were　possessed　of　some　demon　which　spread　through　the　blood；　feeding　upon　it　and　growing；　as　I　could　feel　it　doing　in　me　now。
　The　King　and　Queen　did　not　invent　justice！　The　Queen；　who　broke　the　little　Pharaoh　into　sticks；　did　not　invent　law　or　righteousness！
　And　the　Roman　courts；　bumbling　awkwardly　towards　each　decision；　weighing　all　sides；　refusing　any　magical　or　religious　device；　they　did　even　in　these　terrible　times　strive　for　justice。　It　was　a　system　based　not　upon　the　revelation　of　the　gods；　but　upon　reason。
　But　I　could　not　regret　the　moment　of　intoxication　when　I'd　drunk　her　blood　and　believed　in　her；　and　seen　the　flowers　e　down　upon　us。　I　could　not　regret　that　any　mind　could　conceive　of　such　perfect　transcendence。
　She　had　been　my　Mother；　my　Queen；　my　goddess；　my　all。　I　had　known　it　as　we　were　meant　to　know　it　when　we　drink　the　potions　in　the　Temple；　when　we　sing；　when　we　are　rocking　in　delirious　song。　And　in　her　arms　I　had　known　it。　In　Marius's　arms　I'd　known　it　as　well；　and　in　a　safer　measure；　and　I　wanted　only　to　be　with　him　now。
　How　ghastly　her　worship　seemed。　Flawed　and　ignorant；　being　elevated　to　such　power！　And　how　revealing　suddenly　that　at　the　core　of　mysteries　there　should　lie　such　degrading　explanations。　Blood　spilt　on　her　golden　gown！
　All　images　and　meaningful　glimpses　do　but　teach　you　deeper　things；　I　thought　again；　as　I　had　in　the　Temple；　when　I　had　settled　for　the　consolation　of　a　basalt　statue。
　It　is　I；　and　I　alone；　who　must　make　of　my　new　life　a　heroic　tale。
　I　was　very　happy　for　Marius　that　he　had　such　fort　in　reason。　But　reason　was　only　a　created　thing；　imposed　with　faith　upon　the　world；　and　the　stars　promise　nothing　to　no　one。
　I　had　seen　something　deeper　in　those　dark　nights　of　hiding　in　this　house　in　Antioch；　in　mourning　for　my　Father。　I　had　seen　that　at　the　very　heart　of　Creation　there　very　well　might　lie　something　as　uncontrollable　and　inprehensible　as　a　raging　volcano。
　Its　lava　would　destroy　trees　and　poets　alike。
　So　take　this　gift；　Pandora；　I　told　myself。　Go　home；　thankful　that　you　are　again　wed；　for　you　have　never　made　a　better　match　or　seen　a　more　tantalizing　future。
　When　I　returned；　and　my　return　was　very　rapid；　full　of　new　lessons　in　how　I　might　pass　quickly　over　rooftops；　scarce　touching　them；　and　over　walls　…　when　I　returned；　I　found　him　as　I　had　left　him；　only　much　sadder。　He　sat　in　the　garden；　just　as　he　had　in　the　vision　shown　to　me　by　Akasha。
　It　must　have　been　a　place　he　loved；　behind　the　villa　with　its　many　doors；　a　bench　facing　a　thicket　and　a　natural　stream　bubbling　up　and　over　the　rocks　and　spilling　down　into　a　current　through　high　grass。
　He　rose　at　once。
　I　took　him　in　my　arms。
　〃Marius；　forgive　me；〃　I　said。
　〃Don't　say　such　a　thing；　I'm　to　blame　for　it　all。　And　I　didn't　protect　you　from　it。〃
　We　were　in　each　other's　arms。　I　wanted　to　press　my　teeth　into　him；　drink　his　blood；　and　then　I　did；　and　felt　him　taking　the　blood　from　me。　This　was　a　union　more　powerful　than　any　I　had　ever　known　in　a　marriage　bed；　and　I　yielded　to　it　as　I　never　yielded　in　life　to　anyone。
　I　felt　an　exhaustion　sweep　me　suddenly。　I　withdrew　my　kiss　with　its　teeth。
　〃e　on；　now；〃　he　said。　〃Your　slave　is　asleep。　And　during　the　day；　while　we　must　sleep；　he　will　bring　all　your　possessions　here；　and　those　girls　of　yours；　should　you　want　to　keep　them。〃
　We　walked　down　the　stairs；　we　entered　another　room。　It　took　all　Marius's　strength　to　pull　back　the　door；　which　meant　simply　that　no　mortal　man　could　do　it。
　There　lay　a　sarcophagus；　plain；　of　granite。
　〃Can　you　lift　the　lid　of　the　sarcophagus？〃　Marius　asked。
　〃I　am　feeling　weald〃
　〃It's　the　sun　rising；　try　to　1ift　the　lid。　Slide　it　to　one　side。〃
　I　did；　and　inside　I　found　a　bed　of　crushed　lilies　and　rose　petals；　of　silken　pillows；　and　bits　of　dried　flower　kept　for　scent。
　I　stepped　in；　turned　around；　sat　and　stretched　out　in　this　stone　prison。　At　once　he　took　his　place　in　the　tomb　beside　me；　and　pushed　the　lid　back　to　its　place；　and　all　the　world's　light　in　any　form　was　shut　out；　as　if　the　dead　would　have　it　so。
　〃I'm　drowsy。　I　can　hardly　form　words。〃
　〃What　a　blessing；〃　he　said。
　〃There　is　no　need　for　such　an　insult；〃　I　murmured。　〃But　I　forgive　you。〃
　〃Pandora；　I　love　you！〃　he　said　helplessly。
　〃Put　it　inside　me；〃　I　said；　reaching　between　his　legs。　〃Fill　me　and　hold　me。〃
　〃This　is　stupid　and　superstitious！〃
　〃It　is　neither；〃　I　said。　〃It　is　symbolic　and　forting。〃
　He　obeyed。　Our　bodies　were　one；　connected　by　this　sterile　organ　which　was　no　more　to　him　now　than　his　arm；　but　how　I　loved　the　arm　he　threw　over　me　and　the　lips　he　pressed　to　my　forehead。
　〃I　love　you；　Marius；　my　strange；　tall　and　beautiful　Marius。〃
　〃I　don't　believe　you；〃　he　said；　his　voice　barely　a　whisper。
　〃What　do　you　mean？〃
　〃You'll　despise　me　soon　enough　for　what　I've　done　to　you。〃
　〃Not　so；　oh；　rational　one。　I　am　not　as　eager　to　grow　old；　wither　and　die；　as　you　might　think。　I　should　like　a　chance　to　know　more；　to　see　more。。。〃
　I　felt　his　lips　against　my　forehead。
　〃Did　you　really　try　to　marry　me　when　I　was　fifteen？〃
　〃Oh；　agonizing　memories！　Your　Father's　insults　still　sting　my　ears！　He　had　me　all　but　thrown　out　of　your　house！〃
　〃I　love　you　with　my　whole　heart；〃　I　whispered。　〃And　you　have　won。　You　have　me　now　as　your　wife。〃
　〃I　have　you　as　something；　but　I　do　not　think　that　'wife'　is　the　word　for　it。　I　wonder　that　you've　already　forgotten　your　earlier　strenuous　objection　to　the　term。
　〃Together；〃　I　said；　scarce　able　to　talk　on　account　of　his　kisses。　I　was　drowsy；　and　loved　the　feel　of　his　lips；　their　sudden　eagerness　for　pure　auction。　〃We'll　think　of　another　word　more　exalted　than　'wife。'　〃
　Suddenly　I　moved　back。　I　could　not　see　him　in　the　dark。
　'Are　you　kissing　me　so　that　I　will　not　talk'？〃
　〃Yes；　that's　exactly　what　I　was　doing；〃　he　said。
　I　turned　away　from　him。
　〃Turn　back；　please；〃　he　said。
　〃No；〃　I　said。
　I　lay　still；　realizing　dimly　that　his　body　felt　quite　normal　to　me　now；　because　mine　was　as　hard　as　his　was；　as　strong　perhaps。　What　a　sublime　advantage。　Oh；　but　I　loved　him。　I　loved　him！　So　let　him　kiss　the　back　of　the　neck！　He　could　not　force　me　to　turn　towards　him！
　The　sun　must　have　risen。
　For　a　silence　fell　on　me　which　was　as　if　the　universe　with　all　its　volcanoes　and　raging　tides　…　and　all　its　Emperors；　Kings；　judges；　Senators；　philosophers　and　Priests　…　had　been　erased　from　existence。
　
　
　II
　
　Well；　David；　there　you　have　it。
　I　could　continue　the　Plautus…Terence　style　edy　for　pages。　I　could　vie　with　Shakespeare's　Much　Ado　About　Nothing。
　But　that　is　the　basic　story。　That　is　what　lies　behind　the　flippant　capsule　version　in　The　Vampire　Lestat；　fashioned　into　its　final　trivial　form　by　Marius　or　Lestat；　who　knows。
　Let　me　lead　you　through　those　points　which　are　sacred　and　burn　still　in　my　heart；　no　matter　how　easily　they　have　been　dismissed　by　another。
　And　the　tale　of　our　parting　is　not　mere　dissonance　but　may　contain　some　lesson。
　Marius　taught　me　to　hunt；　to　catch　the　evildoer　only；　and　to　kill　without　pain；　enwrapping　the　soul　of　my　victim　in　sweet　visions　or　allowing　the　soul　to　illuminate　its　own　death　with　a　cascade　of　fantasies　which　I　must　not　judge；　but　merely　devour；　like　the