gs.earthabides-第23部分

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the　dark　face。　Then　suddenly　a　barrier　burst　within　him；　and　he　laughed　joyously。　
　　After　a　moment　she　spoke　again；　neither　questioning　nor　demanding。　〃It's　good　to　see　someone。〃　This　time　Ish　replied；　but　he　could　think　of　nothing　better　than　an　apology　for　the　ridiculous　hammer　which　still　dangled　from　his　hand。　〃Pardon　me　for　bringing　this　thing　in；〃　he　said；　and　set　it　down　on　the　floor　upon　its　head　with　the　handle　sticking　stiffly　into　the　air。　
　　〃Don't　worry；〃　she　said；　〃I　understand。　I　went　through　it　too…having　to　have　something　around　to　make　you　feel　fortable。　Like　a　pocket…piece　or　a　rabbit…foot；　you　remember。　We're　still　about　the　same　as　we　used　to　be；　all　of　us。〃　
　　After　the　sudden　release　of　the　laughter；　he　was　trembling。　All　his　body　seemed　growing　weak。　He　felt；　almost　physically；　more　barriers　breaking…those　necessary　barriers　of　defense；　built　up　through　the　months　of　loneliness　and　desperation。　He　must　touch　another　human　being；　and　he　put　forward　his　hand　in　the　old　conventional　gesture　of　the　handshake。　She　took　it；　and　doubtless　as　she　noticed　his　trembling；　she　drew　him　toward　a　chair　and　almost　pushed　him　into　it。　As　he　sat　down；　she　patted　his　shoulder　lightly。　
　　She　spoke　again；　once　more　neither　questioning　nor　manding：　〃I'll　get　you　something　to　eat。〃　
　　He　did　not　protest；　though　he　had　just　eaten　heartily。　But　he　knew　that　behind　her　quiet　affirmation　lay　something　more　than　any　call　of　the　body　for　food。　There　was　need　now　for　the　symbolic　eating　together；　that　first　mon　bond　of　human　beings…the　sitting　at　the　same　table；　the　sharing　of　the　bread　and　salt。　
　　Now　they　were　sitting　opposite　each　other。　They　ate　a　little；　more　in　symbol　than　in　reality。　There　was　fresh　bread。　〃I　made　it　myself；〃　she　said；　〃but　it's　getting　hard　to　find　flour　now　that's　got　no　weevils　in　it。〃　There　was　no　butter；　but　honey　and　jam　for　the　bread；　and　a　bottle　of　red　wine。　
　　And　now；　like　a　child；　he　began　to　talk。　This　was　nothing　like　that　time　when　he　had　sat　with　Nfilt　and　Ann　on　Riverside　Drive。　Then　the　barriers　had　still　been　up。　Now；　for　the　first　time；　he　talked　of　all　those　days。　He　showed　even　the　little　scar　of　the　fangs　on　his　hand　and　the　larger　scars　where　he　had　slashed　himself　to　apply　the　suction…pump。　He　told　of　his　fear　and　of　his　flight　and　of　the　Great　Loneliness　that　he　had　never　quite　dared　face　or　imagine。　And　as　he　talked；　she　often　said；　〃Yes；　I　know。　Yes；　I　remember　that；　too。　Tell　me　more。〃　
　　As　for　her；　she　had　seen　the　catastrophe　itself。　She　had　faced　more　than　he　had；　and　yet　he　could　see　that　she　had　e　through　better　than　he。　She　talked　little；　seeming　to　have　no　need；　but　she　drew　him　on。　
　　As　he　talked　with　her；　he　knew　now　at　last　that　this；　at　least　as　far　as　he　was　concerned；　was　no　mere　casual　meeting…or　passing　moment。　In　this　lay　all　the　future。　Since　the　disaster　he　had　seen　men　and　women　here　and　there；　and　no　one　before　had　ever　held　him。　Perhaps　time　had　healed　him。　More　likely；　she　herself　was　different。　
　　Yet　she　was　a　woman。　As　the　minutes　slipped　by；　he　sensed　that　basic　reality　more　and　more；　with　an　intensity　that　made　him　tremble。　As　between　man　and　man　the　breaking　of　bread　was　the　reality；　the　shared　table；　all　the　symbol　needed。　But　as　between　man　and　woman　there　must　be　still　more；　in　reality　and　in　symbol；　a　further　sharing。　
　　They　realized　suddenly　that　neither　knew　the　other's　name　although　each　had　been　calling　the　dog　Princess。　
　　〃Isherwood；〃　he　said。　〃That　was　my　mother's　maiden　name　and　so　she　stuck　it　on　me。　Bad；　wasn't　it？　Everybody　called　me　'Ish。'〃　
　　〃I'm　Em！〃　she　said。　〃Emma；　that　is；　of　course。　Ish　and　Em！　We　won't　get　very　far　writing　poetry　about　that　bination！〃　And　she　laughed。　And　they　laughed　together。　
　　Laughter…that　was　another　sharing！　And　yet　it　was　not　the　final　one。　There　were　ways　these　things　were　done。　He　had　known　men　who　could　do　them；　had　seen　them　at　work。　But　he；　Ish；　was　not　the　right　kind。　All　those　qualities　which　had　permitted　him　to　be　by　himself　and　survive　through　the　bad　days；　alone…all　those　qualities　now　came　up　to　work　against　him。　And　he　sensed　too；　very　deeply；　that　they　would　be　wrong。　The　old　methods　had　worked　in　the　days　when　there　were　girls　in　every　cocktail…bar；　looking　for　adventure。　But　now　such　methods　were　not　right；　he　knew；　and　knew　deeply…at　this　time；　when　the　vast　city　stretched　away　empty　in　all　directions　outside　of　the　windows　and　all　the　ways　of　the　world　had　vanished　and　this　woman　had　lived　through　all　the　catastrophe　and　the　fear　and　the　loneliness　and　now　had　e　out　on　the　other　side；　still　with　courage　in　her　eyes；　and　affirmation；　and　laughter。　
　　For　a　wild　moment　he　had　an　idea　that　they　might　say　some　kind　of　marriage　vows。　Quakers　could　marry　themselves。　Why　couldn't　others？　They　could　stand　up　together；　and　face　toward　the　east　where　the　morning　sun　would　rise。　And　then　he　sensed　that　the　mere　babbling　of　words　was　in　itself　much　more　dishonest　even　than　a　straightforward　feeling　for　the　knee　under　the　table。　He　realized　that　he　had　been　silent　for　what　might　have　been　a　full　minute。　She　was　looking　across　at　him　with　level　calm　eyes；　and　he　knew　that　she　read　his　thoughts。　
　　In　his　embarrassment　he　rose　suddenly　to　his　feet；　upsetting　the　chair　as　he　got　up。　Then　the　table　between　them　had　ceased　to　be　a　symbol　joining　them　together　and　now　held　them　apart。　He　stepped　from　behind　it；　and　across　toward　her　as　she　rose　up　too。　And　then　there　was　the　softness　of　her　body　against　his。　
　　O　Song　of　Songs！　Thine　eyes；　my　love；　are　gentle；　and　the　fullness　of　thy　lips　is　soft　andfirm。　Thy　neck　is　ivory；　and　the　smoothness　of　thy　shoulders　like　warm　ivory。　The　softness　of　thy　breasts　against　me　is　like　fine　wool。　Thy　thighs　are　firm　and　strong　like　the　cedars。　O　Song　of　Songs！　
　　She　had　gone　now；　into　the　inner　room。　He　sat；　still　with　breath　and　heart　quick；　tense　and　waiting。　He　had　only　one　fear　now。　In　a　world　where　there　were　no　doctors　and　even　no　other　women；　how　could　anyone　risk　the　chance？　But　she　had　gone。　He　realized　that　she；　too；　in　her　great　affirmation；　would　consider　this　also　and　care　for　it。　
　　O　Song　of　Songs。　My　love；　thy　bed　is　fragrant　as　boughs　of　the　pine　tree；　and　thy　body　is　warm。　Thou　art　Ashtoreth。　Thou　art　Aphrodite；　that　keepest　the　gate　of　Love。　Now　my　strength　is　upon　me。　Now　the　rivers　are　pent　up。　Now　is　my　hour。　Oh　receive　me　in　thine　infinitude。　
　　
　　Chapter　7
　　He　lay　quietly　awake　after　she　slept　beside　him；　and　his　thoughts　rushed　by　him　so　fast　that　he　could　not　stop　them　long　enough　to　get　to　sleep。　That　was　what　she　had　said　before；　earlier　in　the　evening…no　matter　what　happened　to　the　world；　it　did　not　change　the　person；　and　he　remained　what　he　had　been。　Yes；　that　was　the　way！　lbough　so　much　had　happened；　and　even　though　he　might　be　deeply　moved　by　that　great　experience；　yet　still　he　was　the　observer…the　man　who　sat　by　the　side；　watching　what　happened；　never　quite　losing　himself　in　the　experience。　The　strangeness！　In　the　old　world　it　might　well　never　have　happened。　Out　of　destruction　had　e；　for　him；　love。　
　　He　slept。　When　he　woke；　it　was　daylight；　and　she　was　gone。　He　looked　around　the　room　fearfully。　Yes；　it　was　really　a　shabby　little　room；　and　he　suddenly　had　a　fear　that　perhaps　all　this　seemingly　great　experience　of　love　was；　after　all；　only　something　which　in　the　old　days　would　have　been　no　more　than　a　pick…up　of　a　restless　waitress　and　a　grimy　room　in　a　cheap　hotel。　And　she…she　was　no　goddess；　no　hamadryad　glimpsed　whitely　in　the　dusk！　Except　at　the　moment　of　desire；　she　would　never　be　Ashtoreth　or　Aphrodite。　He　trembled　a　little　to　think　of　how　she　might　look　in　the　morning　light。　She　was　older　than　he；　perhaps　he　was　merely　mixing　her　in　some　vague　kind　of　mother…image。　〃Oh；　don't　worry；〃　he　thought；　putting　it　into　words；　〃there　never　has　been　perfection　yet；　and　it　certainly　isn't　going　to　start　now　for　me。〃　Then　he　remembered　how　she　had　first　spoken；　not　in　question　or　mand；　but　merely　in　affirmation。　Yes；　that　was　the　way　it　ought　to　be。　Take　what　was　good　in　a　situation；　not　worrying　about　what　might　not　be　there。　
　　He　got　up　and　dressed。　As　he　dressed；　he　sniffed　the　aroma　of　coffee。　Coffee！　That　was　a　kind　of　modern　symbol；　too。　
　　She　had　the　table　set　in　the　breakfast…nook　when　he　came　out；　as　any　muter's　wife　might　have　done。　He　looked　at　her　almost　bashfully。　He　saw　again；　more　clearly　by　morning　light；　the　wide…set　black　eyes　in　the　dark　face；　the　full　ripe　lips；　the　swelling　curve　of　the　breasts　beneath　a　light…green　smock。　
　　He　did　not　offer　to　kiss　her；　and　she　did　not　seem　to　expect　it。　But　they　smiled　back　and　forth；　one　at　the　other。　〃Where's　Princess？〃　he　said。　〃I　put　her　out　for　her　run。〃　
　　〃Good…And　it's　going　to　be　a　good　day；　too；　I　think。〃　
　　〃Yes；　looks　like　it。　Sorry　there　are　no　eggs。〃　
　　〃No　matter。　What　is　it？　Bacon；　I　see。〃　
　　〃Yes。　
　　They　were　little　words；　meaning　nothing；　yet　there　was　a　great　joy　to　say　them。　A　greater　joy；　perhaps；　saying　the　little　things　than　saying　something　much　greater。　A　whole　contentment　came　over　him。　This　was　no　affair　of　the　rented　room。　His　luck　was　in！　He　looked　across　into　her　level　eyes；　and　felt　new　security　and　courage　rise　up　within　him！　This　would　endure！　
　　They　moved　back；　later　that　day；　to　the　house　on　San　Lupo　Drive；　chiefly　because　he　seemed　to　have　more　possessionsbooks；　especially…than　she　did。　It　was　less　trouble　to　move　to　the　books　than　to　move　the　books　to　them。　
　　The　days　went　more　swiftly　and　more　fortably　after　that。　There　were　many　ways　of　sharing。　〃What　was　it？〃　he　thought。　〃'A　friend　doubles　joys　and　cuts　griefs　in　half'？〃　
　　She　never　talked　about　herself。　Once　or　twice　he　tried　to　draw　her　out　with　questions；　thinking　that　she　might　need　to　tell　things。　But　she　did　not　respond　easily；　and　he　decided　that　she　had　already　made　her　adjustment　in　her　own　way。　She　had　drawn　the　veil　across　the　view　toward　the　past；　now　she　looked　forward　only　
　　Yet　she　made　no　apparent　attempt　at　secrecy。　He　learned　from　casual　remarks　that　she　had　been　married　（happily；　he　was　sure）；　and　had　had　two　small　children。　She　had　gone　to　high　school　but　not　to　college；　he