dclegg.purity-第10部分

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you。　I　want　to　just　…　just　…　look　at　the　stars　and　know　which　ones　they　are；　and　where　the　earth　is　in　relation　to　them。〃
　The　party　spun　around　them；　and　Owen　had　a　vague　sense　that　Jenna's　eyes　floated　around　his　every　move。　She'll　understand；　he　thought。　Someday；　she'll　understand。
　〃She's　a　bitch；〃　Jimmy　whispered；　as　if　reading　his　thoughts。　〃She　and　her　friends　and　half　these　people　here。　All　these　quote　unquote　friends　of　mine；　of　ours；　who　are　they？　Damn　it；　who　are　they？　And　Jenna。　Christ。　Jenna。〃
　〃No；　she's　cool；〃　Owen　said。　〃Let's　go。　The　jetty。〃
　〃God　yeah；　show　me　the　stars；〃　Jimmy　said；　and　he　kept　saying　it　over　and　over　again　as　they　stumbled　their　way　down　the　path　along　the　bluffs；　and　every　now　and　then　Owen　stopped　and　let　Jimmy　take　his　hand。　Jimmy's　hand　was　warm；　and　above　them；　the　sounds　of　the　party　spun；　and　the　smell　of　pine　and　sea　mingled。
　The　moon　cut　a　path　for　them　all　the　way　to　the　jetty；　and　by　the　time　they　got　there；　Jimmy　had　already　grabbed　Owen　hard　and　pulled　him　close　to　him　until　their　chests　pressed　together；　their　thighs　met；　and　he　pressed　his　lips　to　Owen's　mouth。
　2
　Voices　in　the　dark：
　〃It's　all　right；　I　know　you。　I　know　what　we　both　want。〃
　〃Shut　up。　Just　shut　up。〃
　〃e　here。　e　here。　Let　me　help　you。　It's　all　right。　It　feels　good。〃
　〃No；　not　like　this。　No。〃
　〃I've　been　so　lonely。〃
　〃Oh。〃
　〃Wanting　this。〃
　〃Oh。〃
　〃Since　the　first　time　I　saw　you。〃
　〃Oh。〃
　〃Does　this　feel　good？〃
　〃Ah。〃
　〃Will　you　let　me　take　you？〃
　〃Oh。〃
　〃Ask　me。〃
　〃Oh。〃
　〃Ask　me。〃
　〃Owen；　take　me？　Owen？　Take　me。〃
　3
　Owen　takes　control　I　had　found　my　way　to　Jenna。
　It　wasn't　much　different　than　kissing　a　girl；　and　once　I　allowed　Jimmy　to　feel　as　if　he　had　seduced　me；　that　I　was　the　unwilling　partner；　it　was　easy　to　hold　his　attention。　He　told　me　to　close　my　eyes　and　pretend　he　was　a　girl；　to　just　let　him　do　things　to　me；　to　just　keep　the　image　of　a　beautiful　girl　in　my　mind　while　he　did　things。
　Jenna　was　the　only　face　I　saw。
　I　knew　that　once　I　had　Jimmy　McTeague　of　the　Ivy　League　in　my　arms；　once　I　had　pressed　myself　into　him；　owned　him；　dominated　him；　that　Jenna　would　be　mine。
　I　look　at　the　boy　that　I　was　then：　Owen　Crites。　Mooncalf。
　He　mounts　the　rich　boy　and　he　drives　his　point　home。
　And　no；　I'm　not　gay。　I　had　no　thrill　from　what　I　did　to　Jimmy　McTeague；　how　I　made　him　feel　tenderness　and　acceptance　and　release　that　night。　It　felt　less　like　sex　to　me　than　stabbing　someone　over　and　over　while　they　curl　around　you。
　How　I　caressed　him　as　no　one　ever　had；　to　the　point　that　he　wept　against　my　chest。
　It　was　purely　because　I　thought　of　Jenna。
　My　love　for　her。
　Love　is　purity。
　My　next　decision；　as　I　lay　there　with　that　puppy　whispering　his　soul　into　my　ear；　was　just　how　I　was　going　to　murder　him。
　
　
　
　PART　TWO
　The　Last　of　Summer　
　
　Chapter　Six
　Jimmy　McTeague　keeps　a　diary　
　1
　Need　to　train　better。　Work　on　backswing；　damn　it。　Wake　up　an　hour　earlier　every　morning。　Run　two　miles。　Then　practice。　Then　row。
　July　was　a　waste。　Feeling　like　I'm　getting　lazy。　More　strength　training。
　Check　out　the　sucky　gym　in　town。
　Jenna's　a　bitch。　She　thinks　she　knows。　She　doesn't　know。　She'll　never　really　know。
　Need　to　get　back　with　Jenna。　Need　to　figure　this　out。
　I　can't　resist　him。　It's　awful　what　we're　doing。　But　I　know　I　can　stop。　I　know　if　I　just　stick　with　the　program　I　can　stop。　I　think　he's　evil。
　What　we　did　was　wrong。　I　know　that。　What　Jenna　and　I　can　build　is　right。
　Call　the　Padre　and　Madre　for　more　money。
　Bee　a　better　person。　Quit　all　the　lying。　Lying　is　bad。　There's　no　reason。　If　you　feel　the　way　you　feel；　let　it　all　out。　Don't　keep　holding　it　in。
　Doesn't　matter　what　dad　thinks。　Doesn't　matter　if　you　know　what　you　need　from　life。　You　can　let　it　out。　Other　people　do。　Other　people　need　those　things；　too。
　Maybe　it's　not　real。　Maybe　it's　just　sex。　Maybe　I　shouldn't　let　it　happen。
　But　now　all　I　think　about　is　him。
　Jenna　and　Mooncalf。
　Mooncalf。
　He　told　me　something　really　smart。　Just　shows　that　you　don't　need　all　these　prep　schools　and　universities　to　be　smart。　He　said；　〃Love　is　purity。〃　It　is　so　true。　It's　something　I　couldn't　say　out　loud。　But　it's　so　true。　But　there's　more　to　life　than　love。　You　can't　survive　on　love。　You　can't　have　the　important　things　in　life　just　because　of　love。
　No　one　pays　for　three　houses　and　European　vacations　and　clothes　from　Italy　and　Rolls　Royces　with　love。
　2
　My　name's　Jimmy　McTeague。　It's　safe　to　assume　you　know　that　because　you　are　me　sitting　here　reading　my　diary。　Since　after　all　no　one　else　is　going　to　read　this　if　I　can　help　it。　It's　also　probably　safe　to　assume　that　you'll　burn　these　pages　someday　to　make　sure　no　one　else　reads　them。　But　for　now；　writing　it　down　seems　right。　My　favorite　movie　is　probably　still　the　Little　Mermaid；　which　I　saw　when　I　was　nine　years　old　and　I　still　watch　it　on　video　once　a　year　at　least。　Why？　Because　it　was　about　sacrifice　for　what　you　wanted。　I've　always　sort　of　believed　in　that。　My　dad　doesn't　understand　why　I　watch　a　cartoon　to　inspire　me。　Sometimes　I　watch　it　before　a　match　because　it　gets　me　going。　I　don't　see　why　being　smart　and　grown　up　has　anything　to　do　with　abandoning　the　things　you　believed　in　when　you　were　a　kid。
　I've　wanted　to　keep　a　diary　since　I　was　about　nine；　about　the　same　time　as　I　saw　that　movie；　but　I　didn't　start　til　I　was　twelve；　and　then　I　threw　it　all　out；　so　after　another　brief　attempt　at　sixteen；　I've　decided　now　that　I'm　about　to　enter　Harvard；　it's　time　for　me　to　keep　one。　I'm　not　only　about　tennis；　anyway。　I　get　tired　of　that　dumb　jock　image。　My　SATs　were　through　the　roof。
　I　get　good　grades　and　am　totally　wrapped　up　in　Medieval　History；　which　I　figure　I　might　pursue　even　after　I　graduate。　If　I　graduate。　If　I　make　it　through。
　If　all　the　bad　things　that　I've　found　out　about　don't　happen　in　the　meantime　and　it　all　ends。
　This　part　of　the　diary　is　about　my　summer。　Jenna　and　I　were　having　a　great　year　together；　although　I　wasn't　always　there　for　her；　I　suppose；　because　of　the　matches　I　had　in　England　and　out　in　California；　and　then　she　spent　Spring　Break　in　Aruba；　so　that　last　week　in　May　was　really　our　first　full　week　together；　which　is　why　I　took　the　Karenina　out　of　the　yacht　club　and　we　sailed　lazily　up　and　down　the　coast　for　a　few　days。　I　was　so　pissed　off　at　Dad　over　a　lot　of　things。　First　and　foremost　was　the　talk　he　gave　me；　about　how　I　needed　to　uphold　the　family　and　how　I　needed　to　look　at　life　differently；　not　as　a　kid　but　as　someone　who　had　responsibilities　and　wanted　to　live　a　certain　way　with　certain　kinds　of　people。　I　didn't　forget　about　Chip；　but　I　guess　that's　one　of　those　things　I　have　to　put　aside。　My　dad　says　so　anyway。　Chip　was　really　aggressive　anyway；　and　the　time　we　spent　together　wasn't　really　very　meaningful　because　the　whole　time　I　kept　thinking　to　myself：　where　will　this　go？　Two　guys　can't　marry。　I'll　lose　everything。
　And　Chip　was　all　about　loins；　anyway。　I　shouldn't　even　write　about　it　here。　What　if　someone　finds　out？　I'm　not　really　gay　anyway；　I　just　get　in　these　situations。　I　suppose　I　fall　in　love　with　people。　And　Chip　turned　out　bad　anyway。　All　that　mess　about　fighting　and　arguing　and　him　claiming　I　broke　his　arm　when　I　didn't　break　it　and　if　he　fell　it　was　his　fault　anyway　for　standing　in　my　way　and　not　letting　me　pass。　He　did　that　sort　of　blackmail　thing　too；　but　I　showed　him　that　I　wasn't　going　to　put　up　with　that　kind　of　shit。
　I　fell　for　Jenna　pretty　hard。　I　mean；　who　wouldn't？　She's　gorgeous　and　full　of　life　and　her　brain　is　just　amazing。　And　the　money。　To　pretend　it's　not　there　is　like　not　noticing　her　bra　size。　All　the　guys　seem　to　want　her；　and　I　really　had　to　fight　off　that　bulldog　from　Choate　with　the　Ferrari；　but　it　wasn't　too　hard　to　dazzle　her　on　the　courts。　She's　a　big　fan　of　tennis；　which　helps；　and　that　night　we　went　for　a　walk　back　in　the　city　really　turned　things　around　for　me。　I　mean；　we　were　walking　down　Fifth　Avenue；　and　she　was　talking　about　what　she　wanted　from　life；　all　the　wonderful　things；　to　see　the　world　and　experience　the　best　of　everything；　and　how　her　trust　fund　was　huge　and　she　intended　to　always　have　the　life　her　parents　had；　and　my　mind　was　turning　a　hundred　little　things　around。　I　was　walking　with　her　under　cloudy　skies；　and　I　was　thinking　about　how　this　was　right。　Being　with　Chip　was　wrong　because　it　was　based　on　that　one　thing；　that　physical　thing；　and　I　thought；　all　right；　I　know　where　this　will　go　with　Jenna。　We'll　marry；　we'll　have　children；　we'll
　build　something　really　solid。　She　has　all　this　family　land　and　properties　and　I'm　really　good　at　handling　investments；　so　we'll　be　perfect　together。　And　she　wants　kids　really　badly。　So　badly　that　she　told　me　she　wasn't　even　all　that　interested　in　college；　and　she　wanted　to　just　get　out　from　under　her　parents　and　be　on　her　own　and　make　her　own　life。　She　has　millions　from　her　grandmother；　and　it's　earning　more　millions　every　year；　she　said；　so　why　should　she　have　to　go　through　college？　She　wanted　to　do　some　magazine　work；　one　of　those　Conde　Nast　magazines；　and　her　family　has　huge　pull　in　that　area；　and　she　was　smart　enough。
　It　hardly　bears　parison　with　a　night　spent　on　a　dirty　mattress　in　the　back　of　some　studio　apartment　in　Chelsea　with　Chip；　who　fell　on　hard　times　after　prep　school。　That　sleaziness　he　had；　like　an　air；　like　marijuana　smoke　in　the　back　of　a　bus　…　that's　what　his　place　was　like。　He　was　slumming；　he　was　degrading　himself。　His　parents　had　cut　him　off；　and　he　was　willing　to　live　like　that。　Hardly　any　furniture；　a　job　that　barely　paid　him　per　month　what　a　reasonable　man　can　live　on。　And　still；　he　was　willing　to　live　like　that　for　the　sake　of　the　feeling　in　his　organ。　I　am　never　going　to　let　that　happen　to　me。　I　am　never　going　to　let　people　know　how　I　am　on　the　inside　if　I　can　help　it。　I　got　so　mad　at　Chip　I　guess　I　ended　up　roughing　him　up　a　little；　but　he　kept　trying　to　ruin　things；　and　I　just　won't　let　anyone　do　that。　My　dad　is　ruining　things　as　it　is；　and　pretty　soon　other　people　are　going　to　know　how　he's　ruining　things；　and　I　do　not　intend　to　be　in　that　spot　with　him。
　I　remember　clasping　Jenna's　hand；　and　listening　to　her　optimistically　go　on