lmb.shardsofhonor-第33部分

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！　No！　No！　No　drugs；　please；　please！　I'm　sorry！〃
　She　was　hustled　out；　and　the　media　event　of　the　year　collapsed　just　like　Steady　Freddy。
　She　was　taken　to　a　quiet　room；　one　of　the　shuttleport's　administrative　offices；　immediately　afterwards。　The　President's　personal　physician　arrived　after　a　time　and　took　charge；　had　everyone　removed　but　himself　and　her　mother；　and　gave　her　some　breathing　space　to　regain　her　self…control。　It　took　her　almost　an　hour　to　stop　crying；　once　she　had　started。　The　embarrassment　and　outrage　stopped　seesawing　at　last；　and　she　was　able　to　sit　up　and　talk　in　a　voice　like　a　bad　cold。
　〃Please　apologize　to　the　President　for　me。　If　only　someone　had　warned　me；　or　asked　me　about　it　first。　I'm…n…not　in　very　good　shape　right　now。〃
　〃We　should　have　realized　it　ourselves；〃　said　the　physician　sorrowfully。　〃Your　ordeal；　after　all；　was　much　more　personal　than　the　usual　soldier's　experience。　It　is　we　who　must　apologize；　for　subjecting　you　to　an　unnecessary　strain。〃
　〃We　thought　it　would　be　a　nice　surprise；〃　added　her　mother。
　〃It　was　a　surprise；　all　right。　I　only　hope　I　don't　get　myself　locked　in　a　padded　cell。　I'm　a　bit　off　cells　at　the　moment。〃　The　thought　tightened　her　throat；　and　she　breathed　carefully　to　calm　back　down。
　She　wondered　where　Vorkosigan　was　now；　what　he　was　doing。　Getting　drunk　sounded　better　all　the　time；　and　she　wished　she　were　with　him；　doing　so。　She　pressed　thumb　and　forefinger　to　the　bridge　of　her　nose；　rubbing　out　the　tension。　〃May　I　be　permitted　to　go　home　now？〃
　〃Is　there　still　a　crowd　out　there？〃　asked　her　mother。
　〃I'm　afraid　so。　We'll　try　to　keep　them　back。〃
　With　the　doctor　on　one　side　and　her　mother　on　the　other；　she　dwelt　in　Vorkosigan's　kiss　all　during　the　long　walk　to　her　mother's　groundcar。　The　crowd　still　pressed　upon　her；　but　in　a　hushed；　respectful；　almost　frightened　way；　a　great　contrast　to　their　earlier　holiday　mood。　She　felt　sorry　to　have　taken　away　their　party。
　There　was　a　crowd　at　her　mothers　apartment　shaft　too；　in　the　foyer　by　the　lift　tubes；　and　even　in　the　hallway　to　her　door。　Cordelia　smiled　and　waved　a　little；　cautiously；　but　just　shook　her　head　at　questions；　not　trusting　herself　to　speak　coherently。　They　made　their　way　through　and　closed　the　door　at　last。
　〃Whew！　I　suppose　they　meant　well；　but　my　Lord…I　felt　like　they　wanted　to　eat　me　alive。〃
　〃There　was　so　much　excitement　about　the　war；　and　the　Expeditionary　Force…anyone　in　a　blue　uniform　is　getting　star　treatment。　And　when　the　prisoners　got　home；　and　your　story　came　out…I'm　glad　I　knew　you　were　safe　by　then。　My　poor　darling！〃　Cordelia　got　another　hug；　and　weled　it。
　〃Well；　that　explains　where　they　got　the　nonsense。　It　was　the　wildest　rumor。　The　Barrayarans　started　it；　and　everyone　just　ate　it　up。　I　couldn't　stop　it。〃
　〃What　did　they　do　to　you？〃
　〃They　kept　following　me　around；　pestering　me　with　these　offers　of　therapy…they　thought　the　Barrayarans　had　been　messing　with　my　memory。。。　Oh；　I　see。　You　mean；　what　did　the　Barrayarans　do　to　me。　Nothing　much。　V…vorrutyer　might　have　liked　to；　but　he　met　with　his　accident　before　he'd　got　half　started。〃　She　decided　not　to　disturb　her　mother　with　the　details。　〃Something　important　did　happen；　though。〃　She　hesitated。　〃I　ran　into　Aral　Vorkosigan　again。〃
　〃That　horrible　man？　I　wondered；　when　I　heard　the　name　in　the　news；　if　it　was　the　same　fellow　who　killed　your　Lieutenant　Rosemont　last　year。〃
　〃No。　Yes。　I　mean；　he　didn't　kill　Rosemont；　one　of　his　people　did。　But　he's　the　same　one。〃
　〃I　don't　understand　why　you're　so　sympathetic　to　him。〃
　〃You　ought　to　appreciate　him　now。　He　saved　my　life。　Hid　me　in　his　cabin；　during　those　missing　two　days　after　Vorrutyer　was　killed。　I'd　have　been　executed　for　it；　if　they'd　caught　me　before　the　change　in　mand。〃
　Her　mother　looked　more　disturbed　than　appreciative。　〃Did　he…do　anything　to　you？〃
　The　question　was　filled　with　unanswerable　irony。　Cordelia　dared　not　tell　even　her　mother　about　the　intolerable　burden　of　truth　he　had　laid　on　her。　Her　mother　misunderstood　the　haunted　look　on　her　face。
　〃Oh；　dear。　I'm　so　sorry。〃
　〃Huh？　No；　damn　it。　Vorkosigan's　no　rapist。　He's　got　this　thing　about　prisoners。　Wouldn't　touch　one　with　a　stick。　He　asked　me。。。〃　she　trailed　off；　looking　into　the　kind；　concerned；　and　loving　wall　of　her　mother's　face。　〃We　talked　a　lot。　He's　all　right。〃
　〃He　doesn't　have　a　very　good　reputation。〃
　〃Yeah；　I've　seen　some　of　it。　It's　all　lies。〃
　〃He's…not　a　murderer；　then？〃
　〃Well。。。〃　Cordelia　foundered　on　the　truth。　〃He　has　k…killed　a　lot　of　people；　I　suppose。　He's　a　soldier；　you　know。　It's　his　job。　It　can't　help　spilling　over　a　bit。　I　only　know　about　three　that　weren't　in　the　line　of　duty；　though。〃
　〃Only　three？〃　repeated　her　mother　faintly。　There　was　a　pause。　〃He's　not　a；　a　sex　criminal；　then？〃
　〃Certainly　not！　Although　I　gather　he　went　through　a　rather　strange　phase；　after　his　wife　mitted　suicide…I　don't　think　he　realizes　how　much　I　know　about　it；　not　that　that　maniac　Vorrutyer　should　be　trusted　as　a　source　of　information；　even　if　he　was　there。　I　suspect　it's　partly　true；　at　least　about　their　relationship。　Vorrutyer　was　clearly　obsessed　with　him。　And　Aral　went　awfully　vague　when　I　asked　him　about　it。〃
　Looking　at　her　mother's　appalled　face；　Cordelia　thought；　it's　a　good　thing　I　never　wanted　to　be　a　defense　lawyer。　All　my　clients　would　be　in　therapy　forever；　〃It　all　makes　a　lot　more　sense　if　you　meet　him　in　person；〃　she　offered　hopefully。
　Cordelia's　mother　laughed　uncertainly。　〃He　surely　seems　to　have　charmed　you。　What　does　he　have；　then？　Conversation？　Good　looks？〃
　〃I'm　not　sure。　He　mostly　talks　Barrayaran　politics。　He　claims　to　have　an　aversion　to　them；　but　it　sounds　more　like　an　obsession　to　me。　He　can't　leave　them　alone　for　five　minutes。　It's　like　they're　in　him。〃
　〃Is　that…a　very　interesting　subject？〃
　〃It's　awful；〃　said　Cordelia　frankly。　〃His　bedtime　stories　can　keep　you　awake　for　weeks。〃
　〃It　can't　be　his　looks；〃　sighed　her　mother。　〃I've　seen　a　holovid　of　him　in　the　news。〃
　〃Oh；　did　you　save　it？〃　asked　Cordelia；　instantly　interested。　〃Where　is　it？〃
　〃I'm　sure　there's　something　in　the　vid　files；〃　her　mother　allowed；　staring。　〃But　really；　Cordelia…your　Reg　Rosemont　was　ten　times　better　looking。〃
　〃I　suppose　he　was；〃　Cordelia　agreed；　〃by　any　objective　standard。〃
　〃So　what　does　the　man　have；　anyway？〃
　〃I　don't　know。　The　virtues　of　his　vices；　perhaps。　Courage。　Strength。　Energy。　He　could　run　me　into　the　ground　any　day。　He　has　power　over　people。　Not　leadership；　exactly；　although　there's　that　too。　They　either　worship　him　or　hate　his　guts。　The　strangest　man　I　ever　met　did　both　at　the　same　time。　But　nobody　falls　asleep　when　he's　around。〃
　〃And　which　category　do　you　fall　in；　Cordelia？〃　asked　her　mother；　bemused。
　〃Well；　I　don't　hate　him。　Can't　say　as　I　worship　him；　either。〃　She　paused　a　long　time；　and　looked　up　to　meet　her　mother's　eyes　squarely。　〃But　when　he's　cut；　I　bleed。〃
　〃Oh；〃　said　her　mother；　whitely。　Her　mouth　smiled；　her　eyes　flinched；　and　she　busied　herself　with　unnecessary　vigor　in　getting　Cordelia's　meager　belongings　settled。
　On　the　fourth　afternoon　of　her　leave；　Cordelia's　manding　officer　brought　a　disturbing　visitor。
　〃Captain　Naismith；　this　is　Dr。　Mehta；　from　the　Expeditionary　Force　Medical　Service；〃　modore　Tailor　introduced　them。　Dr。　Mehta　was　a　slim；　tan…skinned　woman　about　Cordelia's　age；　with　dark　hair　drawn　back；　cool　and　antiseptic　in　her　blue　uniform。
　〃Not　another　psychiatrist；〃　Cordelia　sighed。　Her　muscles　knotted　up　the　back　of　her　neck。　More　interrogations…more　twisting；　more　evasions；　ever…shakier　webs　of　lies　to　cover　the　gaps　in　her　story　where　Vorkosigan's　bitter　truths　dwelt。。。
　〃modore　Sprague's　reports　finally　caught　up　with　your　file；　a　little　late；　it　seems。〃　Tailor's　lips　thinned　sympathetically。　〃Ghastly。　I'm　sorry。　If　we'd　had　them　earlier；　we　might　have　been　able　to　spare　you　last　week。　And　everybody　else。〃
　Cordelia　flushed。　〃I　didn't　mean　to　kick　him。　He　kind　of　ran　into　me。　It　won't　happen　again。〃
　modore　Tailor　suppressed　a　smile。　〃Well；　I　didn't　vote　for　him。　Steady　Freddy　is　not　my　main　concern。　Although；〃　he　cleared　his　throat；　〃he　has　taken　a　personal　interest　in　your　case。　You're　a　public　figure　now；　like　it　or　not。〃
　〃Oh；　nonsense。〃
　〃It's　not　nonsense。　You　have　an　obligation。〃
　Who　are　you　quoting；　Bill？　thought　Cordelia。　That's　not　your　voice。　She　rubbed　the　back　of　her　neck。　〃I　thought　I'd　discharged　all　my　obligations。　What　more　do　they　want　from　me？〃
　Tailor　shrugged。　〃It　was　thought…I　was　given　to　understand…that　you　could　have　a　future　as　a　spokesman　for…for　the　government。　Due　to　your　war　experience。　Once　you're　well。〃
　Cordelia　snorted。　〃They've　got　some　awfully　strange　illusions　about　my　soldierly　career。　Look…as　far　as　I'm　concerned；　Steady　Freddy　can　put　on　falsies　and　go　woo　the　hermaphrodite　vote　in　Quartz。　But　I'm　n…not　going　to　play　the　part　of　a；　a　propaganda　cow；　to　be　milked　by　any　party。　I've　an　aversion　to　politics；　to　quote　a　friend。〃
　〃Well。。。〃　He　shrugged；　as　though　he　too　had　discharged　a　duty；　and　went　on　more　firmly。　〃Be　that　as　it　may；　getting　you　fit　for　work　again　is　my　concern。〃
　〃I'm…I'll　be　all　right；　after　m…my　month's　leave。　I　just　need　a　rest。　I　want　to　go　back　to　Survey。〃
　〃And　so　you　can。　Just　as　soon　as　you're　medically　cleared。〃
　〃Oh。〃　The　implications　of　that　took　a　moment　to　sink　in。　〃Oh；　no…wait　a　minute。　I　had　a　little　p…problem　with　Dr。　Sprague。　Very　nice　lady；　her　reasoning　was　sound；　but　her　premises　were　wrong。〃
　modore　Tailor　gazed　at　her　sadly。　〃I　think　I'd　better　turn　you　over　to　Dr。　Mehta；　now。　She'll　explain　everything。　You　will　cooperate　with　her；　won't　you；　Cordelia？〃
　Cordelia　pursed　her　lips；　chilled。　〃Let　me　get　this　straight。　What　you're　saying　is；　if　I　can't　make　your　shrink　happy；　I'll　never　set　foot　on　a　Survey　ship　again。　No　c…mand…no　job；　in　fact。〃
　〃That's…a　very　harsh　way　of　putting　it。　But　you　know　yourself；　for　Survey；　with　small　groups　of　people　isolated　together　for　extended　periods　of　time；　the　psych　profiles　are　of　the　utmost　importance。〃
　〃Yes；　I　know。。。〃　She　twitched　her　mouth　into　a　smile。　〃I'll　c…cooperate。　S…sure。〃
　
　CHAPTER　THIRTEEN
　〃Now；〃　said　Dr。　Mehta　cheerfully；　setting　up　her　box　on　a　table　in　t