lmb.shardsofhonor-第38部分

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he　last　few　years。〃
　He　was　gradually　pulling　himself　into　better　focus；　as　his　initial　awkward　terror　of　being　repellant　to　her　ebbed。　He　sat　up　and　rubbed　his　hand　over　his　face　in　the　familiar　gesture；　as　if　to　scrub　away　the　numbness；　and　made　a　stab　at　light　conversation。　〃That's　a　pretty　dress。　A　great　improvement　over　those　orange　things。〃
　〃Thanks；〃　she　said；　falling　in　immediately　with　his　lead。　〃I'm　sorry　I　can't　say　the　same　for　your　shirt…does　that　represent　your　own　taste；　by　chance？〃
　〃No；　it　was　a　gift。〃
　〃I'm　relieved。〃
　〃Something　of　a　joke。　Some　of　my　officers　got　together　and　purchased　it　on　the　occasion　of　my　first　promotion　to　admiral；　before　Komarr。　I　always　think　of　them；　when　I　wear　it。〃
　〃Well；　that's　nice。　In　that　case　I　guess　I　can　get　used　to　it。〃
　〃Three　of　the　four　are　dead；　now。　Two　died　at　Escobar。〃
　〃I　see。〃　So　much　for　light　chitchat。　She　swirled　her　wine　around　in　the　bottom　of　her　glass。　〃You　look　like　hell；　you　know。　Pasty。〃
　〃Yes；　I　stopped　exercising。　Bothari's　quite　offended。〃
　〃I'm　glad　Bothari　didn't　get　in　too　much　trouble　over　Vorrutyer。〃
　〃It　was　touch　and　go；　but　I　got　him　off。　Illyan's　testimony　helped。〃
　〃Yet　they　discharged　him。〃
　〃Honorably。　On　a　medical。〃
　〃Did　you　put　your　father　up　to　hiring　him？〃
　〃Yes。　It　seemed　like　the　right　thing　to　do。　He'll　never　be　normal；　as　we　think　of　it；　but　at　least　he　has　a　uniform；　and　a　weapon；　and　regulations　of　a　sort　to　follow。　It　seems　to　give　him　an　anchor。〃　He　ran　a　finger　slowly　around　the　rim　of　the　brandy　tumbler。　〃He　was　Vorrutyer's　batman　for　four　years；　you　see。　He　was　not　too　well；　when　he　was　first　assigned　to　the　General　Vorkraft。　On　the　verge　of　a　split　personality…separating　memories；　the　works。　Rather　scary。　Being　a　soldier　seems　to　be　about　the　only　human　role　he　can　meet　the　demands　of。　It　allows　him　a　kind　of　self…respect。〃　He　smiled　at　her。　〃You；　on　the　other　hand；　look　like　heaven。　Can　you；　ah…stay　long？〃
　There　was　a　hesitant　hunger　in　his　face；　soundless　desire　suppressed　by　uncertainty。　We　have　hesitated　so　long；　she　thought；　it's　bee　a　habit。　Then　it　dawned　on　her　that　he　feared　she　might　only　be　visiting。　Hell　of　a　long　trip　for　a　chat；　my　love。　You　are　drunk。
　〃As　long　as　you　like。　I　discovered；　when　I　went　home…it　was　changed。　Or　I　was　changed。　Nothing　fit　anymore。　I　offended　nearly　everybody；　and　left　one　step　ahead　of；　um；　a　whole　lot　of　trouble。　I　can't　go　back。　I　resigned　my　mission…mailed　it　in　from　Escobar…and　everything　I　own　is　in　the　back　of　that　flyer　down　there。〃
　She　savored　the　delight　that　ignited　his　eyes　during　this　speech；　as　it　finally　penetrated　that　she　was　here　to　stay。　It　contented　her。
　〃I　would　get　up；〃　he　said；　sliding　to　the　side　of　his　chair；　〃but　for　some　reason　my　legs　go　first　and　my　tongue　last。　I'd　rather　fall　at　your　feet　in　some　more　controlled　fashion。　I'll　improve　shortly。　Meantime；　will　you　e　sit　here？〃
　〃Gladly。〃　She　changed　chairs。　〃But　won't　I　squash　you？　I'm　kind　of　tall。〃
　〃Not　a　bit。　I　loathe　tiny　women。　Ah；　that's　better。〃
　〃Yes。〃　She　nestled　down　with　him；　arms　around　his　chest；　resting　her　head　on　his　shoulder；　and　hooking　one　leg　over　him　as　well；　to　emphatically　plete　his　capture。　The　captive　emitted　something　between　a　sigh　and　a　laugh。　She　wished　they　might　sit　like　that　forever。
　〃You'll　have　to　give　up　this　suicide…by…alcohol　thing；　you　know。〃
　He　cocked　his　head。　〃I　thought　I　was　being　subtle。〃
　〃Not　noticeably。〃
　〃Well；　it　suits　me。　It's　extraordinarily　unfortable。〃
　〃Yes；　you've　worried　your　father。　He　gave　me　the　funniest　look。〃
　〃Not　his　glare；　I　hope。　He　has　a　very　withering　glare。　Perfected　over　a　lifetime。〃
　〃Not　at　all。　He　smiled。〃
　〃Good　God。〃　A　grin　crinkled　the　corners　of　his　eyes。
　She　laughed；　and　craned　her　neck　for　a　look　at　his　face。　That　was　better。。。
　〃I'll　shave；　too；〃　he　promised　in　a　burst　of　enthusiasm。
　〃Don't　go　overboard　on　my　account。　I　came　to　retire；　too。　A　separate　peace；　as　they　say。〃
　〃Peace；　indeed。〃　He　nuzzled　her　hair；　breathing　its　scent。　His　muscles　unwound　beneath　her　like　an　overtaut　bow　unstrung。
　A　few　weeks　after　their　marriage　they　took　their　first　trip　together；　Cordelia　acpanying　Vorkosigan　on　his　periodic　pilgrimage　to　the　Imperial　Military　Hospital　in　Vorbarr　Sultana。　They　traveled　in　a　groundcar　borrowed　from　the　Count；　Bothari　taking　what　was　evidently　his　usual　role　as　bination　driver　and　bodyguard。　To　Cordelia；　who　was　just　beginning　to　know　him　well　enough　to　see　through　his　taciturn　facade；　he　seemed　on　edge。　He　glanced　uncertainly　over　her　head；　seated　between　him　and　Vorkosigan。
　〃Did　you　tell　her；　sir？〃
　〃Yes；　everything。　It's　all　right；　Sergeant。〃
　Cordelia　added　encouragingly；　〃I　think　you're　doing　the　right　thing；　Sergeant。　I'm；　um；　very　pleased。〃
　He　relaxed　a　little；　and　almost　smiled。　〃Thank　you；　Milady。〃
　She　studied　his　profile　covertly；　her　mind　ranging　over　the　array　of　difficulties　he　would　be　taking　back　to　the　hired　village　woman　at　Vorkosigan　Surleau　this　day；　gravely　doubtful　of　his　ability　to　handle　them。　She　risked　probing　a　little。
　〃Have　you　thought　about…what　you're　going　to　tell　her　about　her　mother；　as　she　grows　older？　She's　bound　to　want　to　know　eventually。〃
　He　nodded；　was　silent；　then　spoke。　〃Going　to　tell　her　she's　dead。　Tell　her　we　were　married。　It's　not　a　good　thing　to　be　a　bastard　here。〃　His　hand　tightened　on　the　controls。　〃So　she　won't　be。　No　one　must　call　her　that。〃
　〃I　see。〃　Good　luck；　she　thought。　She　turned　to　a　lighter　question。　〃Do　you　know　what　you're　going　to　name　her？〃
　〃Elena。〃
　〃That's　pretty。　Elena　Bothari。〃
　〃It　was　her　mother's　name。〃
　Cordelia　was　surprised　into　an　unguarded　remark。　〃I　thought　you　couldn't　remember　Escobar！〃
　A　little　time　went　by；　and　he　said；　〃You　can　beat　the　memory　drugs；　some；　if　you　know　how。〃
　Vorkosigan　raised　his　eyebrows。　Evidently　this　was　new　to　him；　too。　〃How　do　you　do　that；　Sergeant？〃　he　asked；　carefully　neutral。
　〃Someone　I　knew　once　told　me。。。　You　write　down　what　you　want　to　remember；　and　think　about　it。　Then　hide　it…the　way　we　used　to　hide　your　secret　files　from　Radnov；　sir…they　never　figured　it　out　either。　Then　first　thing　when　you　get　back；　before　your　stomach　even　settles；　take　it　out　and　look　at　it。　If　you　can　remember　one　thing　on　the　list；　you　can　usually　get　the　rest；　before　they　e　back　again。　Then　do　the　same　thing　again。　And　again。　It　helps　if　you　have　an；　an　object；　too。〃
　〃Did　you　have；　ah；　an　object？〃　asked　Vorkosigan；　clearly　fascinated。
　〃Piece　of　hair。〃　He　fell　silent　again　for　a　long　time；　then　volunteered；　〃She　had　long　black　hair。　It　smelled　nice。
　Cordelia；　boggled　and　bemused　by　the　implications　of　his　story；　settled　back　and　found　something　to　look　at　out　the　canopy。　Vorkosigan　looked　faintly　illuminated；　like　a　man　who'd　found　a　key　piece　in　a　difficult　puzzle。　She　watched　the　varied　scenery；　enjoying　the　clear　sunlight；　summer　air　so　cool　one　needed　no　protective　devices；　and　the　little　glimpses　of　green　and　water　in　the　hollows　of　the　hills。　She　also　noticed　something　else。　Vorkosigan　saw　the　direction　of　her　glance。
　〃Ah；　you　spotted　them；　did　you？〃
　Bothari　smiled　slightly。
　〃The　flyer　that　doesn't　outpace　us？〃　said　Cordelia。　〃Do　you　know　who　it　is？〃
　〃Imperial　Security。〃
　〃Do　they　always　follow　you　to　the　capital？〃
　〃They　always　follow　me　all　the　time。　It　hasn't　been　easy　to　convince　people　I　was　serious　about　retiring。　Before　you　came　I　used　to　amuse　myself　flushing　them　out。　Do　things　like　go　drunk　driving　in　my　flyer　in　those　canyons　to　the　south　on　the　moonlit　nights。　It's　new。　Very　fast。　That　used　to　drive　them　to　distraction。〃
　〃Heavens；　that　sounds　positively　lethal。　Did　you　really　do　that？〃
　He　looked　mildly　ashamed　of　himself。　〃I'm　afraid　so。　I　didn't　think　you'd　be　ing　here；　then。　It　was　a　thrill。　I　hadn't　gone　adrenaline…tripping　on　purpose　since　I　was　a　teenager。　The　Service　rather　supplied　that　need。〃
　〃I'm　surprised　you　didn't　have　a　wreck。〃
　〃I　did；　once；〃　he　admitted。　〃Just　a　minor　crack…up。　That　reminds　me；　I　must　check　on　the　repairs。　They　seem　to　be　taking　forever　at　it。　The　alcohol　made　me　limp　as　a　rag；　I　suppose；　and　I　never　quite　had　the　nerve　to　do　without　the　shoulder　harness。　No　harm　done；　except　to　the　flyer　and　Captain　Negri's　agent's　nerves。〃
　〃Twice；〃　mented　Bothari　unexpectedly。
　〃I　beg　your　pardon；　Sergeant？〃
　〃You　wrecked　it　twice。〃　The　Sergeant's　lips　twitched。　〃You　don't　remember　the　second　time。　Your　father　said　he　wasn't　surprised。　We　helped；　um；　pour　you　out　of　the　safety　cage。　You　were　unconscious　for　a　day。〃
　Vorkosigan　looked　startled。　〃Are　you　pulling　my　leg；　Sergeant？〃
　〃No；　sir。　You　can　go　look　at　the　pieces　of　the　flyer。　They're　scattered　for　a　kilometer　and　a　half　down　Dendarii　Gorge。〃
　Vorkosigan　cleared　his　throat；　and　shrunk　down　in　his　seat。　〃I　see。〃　He　was　quiet；　then　added；　〃How…unpleasant；　to　have　a　blank　like　that　in　one's　memory。〃
　〃Yes；　sir；〃　agreed　Bothari　blandly。
　Cordelia　glanced　up　at　the　following　flyer　through　a　gap　in　the　hills。　〃Have　they　been　watching　us　all　this　time？　Me；　too？〃
　Vorkosigan　smiled　at　the　look　on　her　face。　〃From　the　moment　you　set　foot　in　the　Vorbarr　Sultana　shuttleport；　I　should　imagine。　I　happen　to　be　politically　hot；　after　Escobar。　The　press；　which　is　Ezar　Vorbarra's　third　hand　here；　has　me　set　up　as　a　kind　of　hero…in…retreat；　snatching　victory　spontaneously　from　the　jaws　of　defeat　and　so　on…absolute　tripe。　Makes　my　stomach　hurt；　even　without　the　brandy。　I　should　have　been　able　to　do　a　better　job；　knowing　what　I　knew　in　advance。　Sacrificed　too　many　cruisers；　covering　the　troopships…it　had　to　be　traded　off　that　way；　sheer　arithmetic　demanded　it；　though。。。〃
　She　could　mark　by　his　face　as　his　thoughts　wandered　into　a　well…trodden　labyrinth　of　military　might…have…beens。　Damn　Escobar；　she　thought；　and　damn　your　Emperor；　damn　Serg　Vorbarra　and　Ges　Vorrutyer；　damn　all　the　chances　of　time　and　place　that　bined　to　squeeze　a　boy's　dream　of　heroism　into　a　man's　nightmare　of　murder；　crime；　and　deceit。　Her　presence　was　a　great　palliative　for　him；　but　it　was　not　enough；　still　something　remained　unwell　in　him；　out　of　tune。
　As　they　approached　Vorbarr　Sultana　from　the　south；　the　hill　country　flattened　out　i