if.thespywholovedme-第15部分

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I　began　to　scream；　while　the　gray　face　with　the　blood…streak　and　the　black　holes　for　eyes　watched；　and　the　hands　sprang　and　sprang。
　I　came　to　in　the　shower　of　my　cabin。　I　was　lying　naked　on　the　tiles；　the　tattered；　filthy　remains　of　my　pretty　clothes　beside　me。　Sluggsy；　chewing　at　a　wooden　toothpick；　leaned　up　against　the　wall　with　his　hand　on　the　cold　tap。　His　eyes　were　glistening　slits。　He　turned　off　the　water　and　I　somehow　got　to　my　knees。　1　knew　I　was　going　to　be　sick。　I　didn't　care。　I　was　a　tamed；　whimpering　animal　ready　to　die。　I　retched。
　Sluggsy　laughed。　He　leaned　over　and　patted　my　behind。　〃Go　ahead；　baby。　First　thing　after　a　beat…up；　everyone　vomits。　Then　clean　yourself　up　nice　and　put　on　a　nice　new　outfit　and　e　on　over。　Those　eggs　got　spoiled　with　you　running　off　like　that。　No　tricks！　Though　I　guess　you　ain't　got　stomach　for　any　more。　I'll　be　watching　the　cabin　from　the　back　door。　Now　don't　take　on；　baby。　No　blood。　Hardly　a　bruise。　Horror's　got　a　nice　touch　with　the　dames。　You're　sure　lucky。　He's　a　hippy　guy。　If　he'd　of　been　real　mad；　we'd　be　digging　a　hole　for　you　right　now。　Count　your　blessings；　baby。　Be　seein'　ya。〃
　I　heard　the　door　of　the　cabin　bang　shut；　and　then　my　body　took　over。
　It　took　me　half　an　hour　to　get　myself　into　some　kind　of　shape；　and　again　and　again　I　just　wanted　to　throw　myself　on　my　bed　and　let　the　tears　go　on　ing　until　the　men　arrived　with　their　guns　to　finish　me　off。　But　the　will　to　live　came　back　into　me　with　the　familiar　movements　of　doing　my　hair　and　of　getting　my　body；　sore　and　aching　and　weak　with　the　memory　of　much　greater　pain；　to　do　what　I　wanted；　and　slowly　into　the　back　of　my　mind　there　crept　the　possibility　that　I　might　have　been　through　the　worst。　If　not；　why　was　I　still　alive？　For　some　reason　these　men　wanted　me　there　and　not　out　of　the　way。　Sluggsy　was　so　good　with　his　gun　that　he　could　surely　have　killed　me　when　I　made　a　run　for　it。　His　bullets　had　e　close；　but　hadn't　they　been　just　to　frighten；　to　make　me　stop？
　I　put　on　my　white　overalls。　Heaven　knew　they　were　impersonal　enough；　and　I　put　my　money　into　one　of　the　pockets…just　in　case。　Just　in　case　of　what？　There　would　be　no　more　escapes。　And　then；　feeling　sore　and　weak　as　a　kitten；　I　dragged　myself　over　to　the　lobby。
　It　was　eleven　o'clock。　The　rain　was　still　holding　off　and　a　three…quarter　moon　sailed　through　fast；　scudding　clouds；　making　the　forest　blink　intermittently　with　white　light。　Sluggsy　was　framed　in　the　yellow　entrance；　leaning　against　the　door；　chewing　at　his　toothpick。　As　I　came　up；　he　made　way　for　me。　〃That's　my　baby。　Fresh　as　paint。　A　little　sore　here　and　there；　mebbe。　Have　to　sleep　on　your　back　later；　huh？　But　that's　just　what'll　suit　us；　won't　it；　honey？〃
　When　I　didn't　answer；　he　reached　out　and　caught　my　arm。　〃Hey；　hey！　Where　your　manners；　bimbo？　You　like　some　treatment　on　the　other　side；　mebbe？　That　also　can　be　arranged。〃　He　made　a　threatening　gesture　with　his　free　hand。
　〃I'm　sorry。　I　didn't　mean　anything。〃
　〃Okay；　okay。〃　He　let　me　go。　〃Now　just　get　on　back　there　and　make　with　the　pots　and　pans。　An'　don't　go　getting　my　gauge　up。　Or　my　friend　Horror's。　Look　what　you　done　to　that　handsome　kisser　of　his。〃
　The　thin　man　was　sitting　at　his　old　table。　The　first…aid　box　from　the　reception　desk　was　open　in　front　of　him　and　he　had　a　big　square　of　adhesive　across　his　right　temple。　I　gave　him　a　quick　frightened　glance　and　went　behind　the　serving　counter。　Sluggsy　went　over　to　him　and　sat　down；　and　they　began　talking　together　in　low　voices；　occasionally　glancing　across　at　me。
　Making　the　eggs　and　coffee　made　me　feel　hungry。　I　couldn't　understand　it。　Ever　since　the　two　men　had　got　in　through　that　door；　I　had　been　so　tense　and　frightened　I　couldn't　have　swallowed　even　a　cup　of　coffee。　Of　course　I　was　empty　from　being　sick；　but　in　a　curious　and；　I　felt；　rather　shameful　way　the　beating　I　had　been　given　had　in　some　mysterious　fashion　relaxed　me。　The　pain；　being　so　much　greater　than　the　tension　of　waiting　for　it；　had　unraveled　my　nerves；　and　there　was　a　curious　center　of　warmth　and　peace　in　my　body。　I　was　frightened　still；　of　course…terrified；　but　in　a　docile；　fatalistic　way。　At　the　same　time　my　body　said　it　was　hungry；　it　wanted　to　get　back　its　strength；　it　wanted　to　live。
　So　I　made　scrambled　eggs　and　coffee　and　hot　buttered　toast　for　myself　as　well；　and；　after　I　had　taken　theirs　over；　I　sat　down　out　of　sight　of　them　behind　the　counter　and　ate　mine　and　then；　almost　calmly；　lit　a　cigarette。　I　knew　the　moment　I　lit　it　that　it　was　a　foolish　thing　to　do。　It　called　attention　to　me。　Worse；　it　showed　I　had　recovered；　that　I　was　worth　baiting　again。　But　the　food　and　the　simple　business　of　eating　it…of　putting　salt　and　pepper　on　the　eggs；　sugar　into　the　coffee…had　been　almost　intoxicating。　It　was　part　of　the　old　life；　a　thousand　years　ago；　before　the　men　came。　Each　mouthful…the　forkful　of　egg；　the　bit　of　bacon；　the　munch　of　buttery　toast…was　an　exquisite　thing　that　occupied　all　my　senses。　Now　I　knew　what　it　must　be　like　to　get　some　food　smuggled　into　jail；　to　be　a　prisoner　of　war　and　get　a　parcel　from　home；　to　find　water　in　the　desert；　to　be　given　a　hot　drink　after　being　rescued　from　drowning。　The　simple　act　of　living；　how　precious　it　was！　If　I　got　out　of　this；　I　would　know　it　forever。　I　would　be　grateful　for　every　breath　I　breathed；　every　meal　I　ate；　every　night　I　felt　the　cool　kiss　of　sheets；　the　peace　of　a　bed　behind　a　closed；　locked；　door。　Why　had　I　never　known　this　before？　Why　had　my　parents；　my　lost　religion；　never　taught　it　to　me？　Anyway；　I　knew　now。　I　had　found　it　out　for　myself。　Love　of　life　is　born　of　the　awareness　of　death；　of　the　dread　of　it。　Nothing　makes　one　really　grateful　for　life　except　the　black　wings　of　danger。
　These　feverish　thoughts　were　born　of　the　intoxication　of　the　food　and　of　eating　it　alone　behind　the　barricade　of　the　counter。　For　a　few　moments　I　was　back　in　the　old　life。　So；　lightheadedly；　and　to　hug　the　moment　to　me；　I　lit　the　cigarette。
　Perhaps　a　minute　later；　the　mumble　of　the　voices　died。　Behind　〃Tales　of　the　Vienna　Woods〃　ing　softly　from　the　radio；　I　heard　a　chair　being　drawn　back。　Now　I　felt　panic。　I　put　out　the　cigarette　in　the　dregs　of　my　coffee　and　got　up　and　began　briskly　turning　taps　and　clattering　the　dishes　in　the　metal　sink。　I　didn't　look；　but　I　could　see　Sluggsy　ing　across　the　room。　He　came　up　to　the　counter　and　leaned　on　it。　I　looked　up　as　if　surprised。　He　was　still　chewing　away　at　a　toothpick；　flicking　it　from　side　to　side　of　his　thick…lipped；　oval　mouth。　He　had　a　box　of　Kleenex　that　he　put　on　the　counter。　He　wrenched　out　a　handful　of　tissues　and　blew　his　nose　and　dropped　the　tissues　on　the　floor。　He　said　in　an　amiable　voice；　〃Ya　gone　an'　given　me　a　catarrh　bimbo。　All　that　chasing　aroun'　in　the　woods。　This　trouble　of　mine；　this　alopecia　thing　that　kills　the　hair。　You　know　what　that　does？　That　kills　the　hairs　inside　the　nose　too。　Together　with　all　the　rest。　An'　you　know　what　that　does？　That　makes　your　schnozzle　dribble　bad　when　you　got　a　cold。　You　given　me　a　cold；　bimbo。　That　means　a　box　of　wipes　every　twenty…four　hours。　More；　mebbe。　Ya　ever　think　of　that？　Ya　ever　think　of　people　have　no　hairs　in　their　snouts？　Aargh！〃　The　hairless　eyes　were　suddenly　hard　with　anger。　〃You　gashes　are　all　the　same。　Just　think　of　yerselves。　To　hell　with　the　guys　that　got　troubles！　You　just　go　for　the　good…timers。〃
　I　said　quietly；　under　the　noise　of　the　radio。　〃I'm　sorry　for　your　troubles。　Why　aren't　you　sorry　for　mine？〃　I　spoke　quickly；　forcefully。　〃Why　do　you　two　e　here　and　knock　me　about？　What　have　I　done　to　you？　Why　don't　you　let　me　go？　If　you　do；　I　promise　I　won't　say　a　word　to　anyone。　I've　got　a　little　money。　I　could　give　you　some　of　it。　Say　two　hundred　dollars。　I　can't　afford　any　more。　I've　got　to　get　all　the　way　down　to　Florida　on　the　rest。　Please；　won't　you　let　me　go？〃
　Sluggsy　let　out　a　hoot　of　laughter。　He　turned　and　called　across　to　the　thin　man；　〃Hey；　get　out　the　crying　towel；　Horror。　The　slot　says　she'll　hand　over　two　Cs　if　we　let　her　scram。〃　The　thin　man　gave　a　slight　shrug　of　the　shoulders　but　made　no　ment。　Sluggsy　turned　back　to　me。　His　eyes　were　hard　and　without　mercy。　He　said；　〃Wise　up；　bimbo。　You're　in　the　act；　and　you've　been　given　a　star　part　to　play。　You　ought　to　be　tickled　to　be　of　so　much　interest　to　busy；　important　guys　like　Horror　and　me；　and　to　a　big　wheel　like　Mr。　Sanguinetti。〃
　〃What　is　the　act？　What　do　you　want　me　for？〃
　Sluggsy　said　indifferently；　〃You'll　be　wised　up　e　morning。　Meanwhiles；　howsabout　shuttin'　that　dumb　little　hash…trap　of　yours？　All　this　yak　is　bending　my　ear。　I　want　some　action。　That's　sweet　stuff　they're　playing。　Howsabout　you　an'　me　stepping　it　together？　Put　on　a　little　show　for　Horror。　Then　we'll　be　off　to　the　hay　and　make　with　the　bodies。　C'mon；　chick。〃　He　held　out　his　arms；　clicking　his　fingers　to　the　music　and　doing　some　fast　steps。
　〃I'm　sorry。　I'm　tired。〃
　Sluggsy　came　back　to　the　counter。　He　said　angrily；　〃You've　got　a　big　keister　giving　me　that　crap。　Cheap　little　hustler！　I'll　give　you　something　to　make　you　tired。〃　Suddenly　there　was　an　obscene　little　black　leather　cosh　in　his　hand。　He　brought　it　down　with　a　dull　whack　on　the　counter。　It　left　a　deep　dent　in　the　formica。　He　began　to　move　stealthily　round　the　edge　of　the　counter；　humming　to　himself；　his　eyes　holding　mine。　I　backed　up　into　the　far　corner。　This　was　going　to　be　my　last　gesture。　Somehow　I　must　hurt　him　back　before　I　went　under。　My　hand　felt　for　the　open　cutlery　drawer　and　suddenly　I　dipped　in　and　flung；　all　in　one　motion。　His　duck　wasn't　quick　enough；　and　the　silver　spray　of　knives　and　forks　burst　round　his　head。　He　put　a　hand　up　to　his　face　and　backed　away；　cursing。　I　hurled　some　more　and　then　some　more；　but　they　only　clattered　inoffensively　round　his　hunched　head。　Now　the　thin　man　was　moving　fast　across　the　room。　I　grabbed　the　carving　knife　and　made　a　dash　for　Sluggsy；　but　he　saw　me　ing　and　dodged　behind　a　table。　Unhurriedly；　Horror　took　off　his　coat　and　wrapped　it　round　his　left　arm；　then　they　both　picked　up　chairs　and；　holding　the　legs　out　like　bulls'　horns；　they　charged　me　from　both　sides。　I　made　one　ineffectual　slash　at　an　arm；　and　then　the　knife　was　knocked　out　of　my　hand　and　all　I　could　do　was　to　get　back　behind　the　counter。
　Still　holding　the　chair；　Sl