if.thespywholovedme-第2部分

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　I　suddenly　wanted　to　go　to　the　john；　and　I　smiled　to　myself。　It　was　the　piercing　tickle　that　es　to　children　during　hide…and…seek…in…the…dark　and　Sardines；　when；　in　your　cupboard　under　the　stairs；　you　heard　the　soft　creak　of　a　floorboard；　the　approaching　whisper　of　the　searchers。　Then　you　clutched　yourself　in　thrilling　anguish　and　squeezed　your　legs　together　and　waited　for　the　ecstasy　of　discovery；　the　crack　of　light　from　the　opening　door　and　then…the　supreme　moment…your　urgent　〃Ssh！　e　in　with　me！〃　the　softly　closing　door　and　the　giggling　warm　body　pressed　tight　against　your　own。
　Standing　there；　a　〃big　girl〃　now；　I　remembered　it　all　and　recognized　the　sensual　itch　brought　on　by　a　fleeting　apprehension…the　shiver　down　the　spine；　the　intuitive　gooseflesh　that　e　from　the　primitive　fear…signals　of　animal　ancestors。　1　was　amused　and　I　hugged　the　moment　to　me。　Soon　the　thunderheads　would　burst　and　I　would　step　back　from　the　howl　and　chaos　of　the　storm　into　my　well…lighted　fortable　cave；　make　myself　a　drink；　listen　to　the　radio；　and　feel　safe　and　cosseted。
　It　was　getting　dark。　Tonight　there　would　be　no　evening　chorus　from　the　birds。　They　had　long　ago　read　the　signs　and　disappeared　into　their　own　shelters　in　the　forest；　as　had　the　animals…the　squirrels　and　the　chipmunks　and　the　deer。　In　all　this　huge　wild　area　there　was　now　only　me　out　in　the　open。　I　took　a　last　few　deep　breaths　of　the　soft；　moist　air。　The　humidity　had　strengthened　the　scent　of　pine　and　moss；　and　now　there　was　also　a　strong　underlying　armpit　smell　of　earth。　It　was　almost　as　if　the　forest　was　sweating　with　the　same　pleasurable　excitement　I　was　feeling。　Somewhere；　from　quite　close；　a　nervous　owl　asked　loudly　〃Who？〃　and　then　was　silent。　I　took　a　few　steps　away　from　the　lighted　doorway　and　stood　in　the　middle　of　the　dusty　road；　looking　north。　A　strong　gust　of　wind　hit　me　and　blew　back　my　hair。　Lightning　threw　a　quick　blue…white　hand　across　the　horizon。　Seconds　later　thunder　growled　softly　like　a　wakening　guard　dog；　and　then　the　big　wind　came　and　the　tops　of　the　trees　began　to　dance　and　thrash　and　the　yellow　light　over　the　gas　station　jigged　and　blinked　down　the　road　as　if　to　warn　me。　It　was　warning　me。　Suddenly　the　dancing　light　was　blurred　with　rain；　its　luminosity　fogged　by　an　advancing　gray　sheet　of　water。　The　first　heavy　drops　hit　me；　and　1　turned　and　ran。
　I　banged　the　door　behind　me；　locked　it；　and　put　up　the　chain。　I　was　only　just　in　time。　Then　the　avalanche　crashed　down　and　settled　into　a　steady　roar　of　water　whose　patterns　of　sound　varied　from　a　heavy　drumming　on　the　slanting　timbers　of　the　roof　to　a　higher；　more　precise　slashing　at　the　windows。　In　a　moment　these　sounds　were　joined　by　the　busy　violence　of　the　overflow　drainpipes。　And　the　noisy　background　pattern　of　the　storm　was　set。
　I　was　still　standing　there；　cozily　listening；　when　the　thunder　that　had　been　creeping　quietly　up　behind　my　back　sprang　its　ambush。　Suddenly　lightning　blazed　in　the　room；　and　at　the　same　instant　there　came　a　blockbusting　crash　that　shook　the　building　and　made　the　air　twang　like　piano　wire。　It　was　just　one　single　colossal　explosion　that　might　have　been　a　huge　bomb　falling　only　yards　away。　There　was　a　sharp　tinkle　as　a　piece　of　glass　fell　out　of　one　of　the　windows　onto　the　floor；　and　then　the　noise　of　water　pattering　in　onto　the　linoleum。
　I　didn't　move。　I　couldn't。　I　stood　and　cringed；　my　hands　over　my　ears。　I　hadn't　meant　it　to　be　like　this！　The　silence；　that　had　been　deafening；　resolved　itself　back　into　the　roar　of　the　rain；　the　roar　that　had　been　so　forting　but　that　now　said；　〃You　hadn't　thought　it　could　be　so　bad。　You　had　never　seen　a　storm　in　these　mountains。　Pretty　flimsy　this　little　shelter　of　yours；　really。　How'd　you　like　to　have　the　lights　put　out　as　a　start？　Then　the　crash　of　a　thunderbolt　through　that　matchwood　ceiling　of　yours？　Then；　just　to　finish　you　off；　lightning　to　set　fire　to　the　place…perhaps　electrocute　you？　Or　shall　we　just　frighten　you　so　much　that　you　dash　out　in　the　rain　and　try　and　make　those　ten　miles　to　Lake　George。　Like　to　be　alone；　do　you？　Well；　just　try　this　for　size！〃　Again　the　room　turned　blue…white；　again；　just　overhead；　there　came　the　ear…splitting　crack　of　the　explosion；　but　this　time　the　crack　widened　and　racketed　to　and　fro　in　a　furious　cannonade　that　set　the　cups　and　glasses　rattling　behind　the　bar　and　made　the　woodwork　creak　with　the　pressure　of　the　sound…waves。
　My　legs　felt　weak；　and　I　faltered　to　the　nearest　chair　and　sat　down；　my　head　in　my　hands。　How　could　I　have　been　so　foolish；　so…so　impudent？　If　only　someone　would　e；　someone　to　stay　with　me；　someone　to　tell　me　that　this　was　only　a　storm！　But　it　wasn't！　It　was　catastrophe；　the　end　of　the　world！　And　all　aimed　at　me！　Now！　It　would　be　ing　again！　Any　minute　now！　I　must　do　something；　get　help！　But　the　Phanceys　had　paid　off　the　telephone　pany；　and　the　service　had　been　disconnected。　There　was　only　one　hope！　I　got　up　and　ran　to　the　door；　reaching　up　for　the　big　switch　that　controlled　the　VACANCY/NO　VACANCY　sign　in　red　neon　above　the　threshold。　If　I　put　it　to　VACANCY；　there　might　be　someone　driving　down　the　road。　Someone　who　would　be　glad　of　shelter。　But；　as　I　pulled　the　switch；　the　lightning　that　had　been　watching　me　crackled　viciously　in　the　room；　and；　as　the　thunder　crashed；　I　was　seized　by　a　giant　hand　and　hurled　to　the　floor。
　　
　Two：　Dear　Dead　Days
　
　WHEN　I　came　to；　I　at　once　knew　where　I　was　and　what　had　happened　and　I　cringed　closer　to　the　floor；　waiting　to　be　hit　again。　I　stayed　like　that　for　about　ten　minutes；　listening　to　the　roar　of　the　rain；　wondering　if　the　electric　shock　had　done　me　permanent　damage；　burned　me；　inside　perhaps；　making　me　unable　to　have　babies；　or　turned　my　hair　white。　Perhaps　all　my　hair　had　been　burned　off！　I　moved　a　hand　to　it。　It　felt　all　right；　though　there　was　a　bump　at　the　back　of　my　head。　Gingerly　I　moved。　Nothing　was　broken。　There　was　no　harm。　And　then　the　big　General　Electric　icebox　in　the　corner　burst　into　life　and　began　its　cheerful　domestic　throbbing；　and　I　realized　that　the　world　was　still　going　on　and　that　the　thunder　had　gone　away；　and　I　got　rather　weakly　to　my　feet　and　looked　about　me；　expecting　I　don't　know　what　scene　of　chaos　and　destruction。　But　there　it　all　was；　just　as　I　had　〃left〃　it…the　important…looking　reception　desk；　the　wire　rack　of　paperbacks　and　magazines；　the　long　counter　of　the　cafeteria；　the　dozen　neat　tables　with　rainbow…hued　plastic　tops　and　unfortable　little　metal　chairs；　the　big　ice…water　container　and　the　gleaming　coffee　percolator…everything　in　its　place；　just　as　ordinary　as　could　be。　There　was　only　the　hole　in　the　window　and　a　spreading　pool　of　water　on　the　floor　as　evidence　of　the　holocaust　through　which　this　room　and　I　had　just　passed。　Holocaust？　What　was　I　talking　about？　The　only　holocaust　had　been　in　my　head！　There　was　a　storm。　There　had　been　thunder　and　lightning。　I　had　been　terrified；　like　a　child；　by　the　big　bangs。　Like　an　idiot　I　had　taken　hold　of　the　electric　switch…not　even　waiting　for　the　pause　between　lightning　flashes；　but　choosing　just　the　moment　when　another　flash　was　due。　It　had　knocked　me　out。　I　had　been　punished　with　a　bump　on　the　head。　Served　me　right；　stupid；　ignorant　scaredy　cat！　But　wait　a　minute！　Perhaps　my　hair　had　turned　white！　I　walked；　rather　fast；　across　the　room；　picked　up　my　bag　from　the　desk；　and　went　behind　the　bar　of　the　cafeteria　and　bent　down　and　looked　into　the　long　piece　of　mirror　below　the　shelves。　I　looked　first　inquiringly　into　my　eyes。　They　gazed　back　at　me；　blue；　clear；　but　wide　with　surmise。　The　lashes　were　there　and　the　eyebrows；　brown；　an　expanse　of　inquiring　forehead　and　then；　yes；　the　sharp；　brown　peak　and　the　tumble　of　perfectly　ordinary　very　dark　brown　hair　curving　away　to　right　and　left　in　two　big　waves。　So！　I　took　out　my　b　and　ran　it　brusquely；　angrily　through　my　hair；　put　the　b　back　in　my　bag；　and　snapped　the　clasp。
　My　watch　said　it　was　nearly　seven　o'clock。　I　switched　on　the　radio；　and　while　I　listened　to　WOKO　frightening　its　audience　about　the　storm…power　lines　down；　the　Hudson　River　rising　dangerously　at　Glens　Falls；　a　fallen　elm　blocking　Route　9　at　Saratoga　Springs；　flood　warning　at　Mechanicville…I　strapped　a　bit　of　cardboard　over　the　broken　windowpane　with　Scotch　tape　and　got　a　cloth　and　bucket　and　mopped　up　the　pool　of　water　on　the　floor。　Then　I　ran　across　the　short　covered　way　to　the　cabins　out　back　and　went　into　mine；　Number　9　on　the　right…hand　side　toward　the　lake；　and　took　off　my　clothes　and　had　a　cold　shower。　My　white　Terylene　shirt　was　smudged　from　the　fall；　and　I　washed　it　and　hung　it　up　to　dry。
　I　had　already　forgotten　my　chastisement　by　the　storm　and　the　fact　that　I　had　behaved　like　a　silly　goose；　and　my　heart　was　singing　again　with　the　prospect　of　my　solitary　evening　and　of　being　on　my　way　the　next　day。　On　an　impulse；　I　put　on　the　best　I　had　in　my　tiny　wardrobe…my　black　velvet　toreador　pants　with　the　rather　indecent　gold　zip　down　the　seat；　itself　most　unchastely　tight；　and；　not　bothering　with　a　bra；　my　golden　thread　Camelot　sweater　with　the　wide　floppy　turtleneck。　I　admired　myself　in　the　mirror；　decided　to　pull　my　sleeves　up　above　the　elbows；　slipped　my　feet　into　my　gold　Ferragamo　sandals；　and　did　the　quick　dash　back　to　the　lobby。　There　was　just　one　good　drink　left　in　the　quart　of　Virginia　Gentleman　bourbon　that　had　already　lasted　me　two　weeks；　and　I　filled　one　of　the　best　cut…glass　tumblers　with　ice　cubes　and　poured　the　bourbon　over　them；　shaking　the　bottle　to　get　out　the　last　drop。　Then　I　pulled　the　most　fortable　armchair　over　from　the　reception　side　of　the　room　to　stand　beside　the　radio；　turned　the　radio　up；　lit　a　Parliament　from　the　last　five　in　my　box；　took　a　stiff　pull　at　my　drink；　and　curled　myself　into　the　armchair。
　The　mercial；　all　about　cats　and　how　they　loved　Pussyfoot　Prime　Liver　Meal；　lilted　on　against　the　steady　roar　of　the　rain；　whose　tone　only　altered　when　a　particularly　heavy　gust　of　wind　hurled　the　water　like　grapeshot　at　the　windows　and　softly　shook　the　building。　Inside；　it　was　just　as　I　had　visualized…weatherproof；　cozy；　and　gay　and　glittering　with　lights　and　chromium。　WOKO　announced　forty　minutes　of　〃Music　to　Kiss　By〃　and　suddenly　there　were　the　Ink　Spots　singing　〃Someone's　Rockin'　My　Dream　Boat；〃　and　I　was　back　on　the　River　T