if.thespywholovedme-第6部分

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〃All　right。　Get　out　of　here；　both　of　you。〃　He　pointed　out　into　the　street。　We　edged　nervously　past　him；　and　he　followed　us；　still　pointing。　〃And　don't　ever　e　back　to　my　establishment　again！　I　know　you　both！　You　ever　show　up　again；　I'll　have　the　police　on　you！〃
　The　small　host　of　sneering；　accusing　eyes　followed　us。　I　took　Derek's　arm　（why　didn't　he　take　mine？）　and　we　went　out　under　the　hideous　bright　lights　and　turned　by　instinct　to　the　right　and　down　the　hill　so　that　we　could　walk　faster。　We　didn't　stop　until　we　got　to　a　side　street　and　we　went　in　there　and　slowly　started　to　work　our　way　back　to　where　the　MG　was　parked　up　the　hill　from　the　cinema。
　Derek　didn't　say　a　word　until　we　were　getting　close　to　the　car。　Then　he　said　matter…of…factly；　〃Mustn't　let　them　get　the　number。　I'll　go　and　get　her　and　pick　you　up　opposite　Fullers'　on　Windsor　Hill。　'Bout　ten　minutes。〃　Then　he　freed　himself　from　my　arm　and　went　off　up　the　street。
　I　stood　and　watched　him　go；　the　tall；　elegant　figure　that　was　once　more　proud　and　upright；　and　then　I　turned　and　went　back　to　where　a　lane　led　up　parallel　with　Farquhar　Street　toward　the　Castle。
　I　found　that　I　still　had　my　pants　crushed　in　my　hand。　I　put　them　in　my　bag。　The　open　bag　made　me　think　of　my　appearance。　I　stopped　under　a　streetlight　and　took　out　my　mirror。　I　looked　dreadful。　My　face　was　so　white　it　was　almost　green；　and　my　eyes　belonged　to　a　hunted　animal。　My　hair　stuck　up　at　the　back　where　it　had　been　rumpled　by　the　floor；　and　my　mouth　was　smeared　by　Derek's　kisses。　I　shuddered。　〃Filthy　little　swine！〃　How　right！　All　of　me　felt　unclean；　degraded；　sinful。　What　would　happen　to　us？　Would　the　man　check　on　the　addresses　and　put　the　police　on　us？　Someone　would　certainly　remember　us　from　today　or　from　other　Saturdays。　Someone　would　remember　the　number　of　Derek's　car；　some　little　boy　who　collected　car　numbers。　There　was　always　some　Nosy　Parker　at　the　scene　of　a　crime。　Crime？　Yes；　of　course　it　was；　one　of　the　worst　in　puritan　England…sex；　nakedness；　indecent　exposure。　I　imagined　what　the　manager　must　have　seen　when　Derek　got　up　from　me。　Ugh！　I　shivered　with　disgust。　But　now　Derek　would　be　waiting　for　me。　My　hands　had　automatically　been　tidying　my　face。　I　gave　it　a　last　look。　It　was　the　best　I　could　do。　I　hurried　on　up　the　street　and　turned　down　Windsor　Hill；　hugging　the　wall；　expecting　people　to　turn　and　point。　〃There　she　goes！〃　〃That's　her！〃　〃Filthy　little　swine！〃
　　
　Four：　〃Dear　Viv〃
　
　THAT　summer's　night　hadn't　finished　with　me。　Opposite　Fullers'　a　policeman　was　standing　by　Derek's　car；　arguing　with　him。　Derek　turned　and　saw　me。　〃Here　she　is；　officer。　I　said　she　wouldn't　be　a　minute。　Had　to；　er；　powder　her　nose。　Didn't　you；　darling？〃
　More　trouble！　More　lies！　I　said　yes；　breathlessly；　and　climbed　into　the　seat　beside　Derek。　The　policeman　grinned　slyly　at　me　and　said　to　Derek；　〃All　right；　sir。　But　another　time　remember　there's　no　parking　on　the　Hill。　Even　for　an　emergency　like　that。〃　He　fingered　his　mustache。　Derek　put　the　car　in　gear；　thanked　the　policeman　and　gave　him　the　wink　of　a　dirty　joke　shared；　and　we　were　off　at　last。
　Derek　said　nothing　until　we　had　turned　right　at　the　lights　at　the　bottom。　I　thought　he　was　going　to　drop　me　at　the　station；　but　he　continued　on　along　the　Datchet　road。　〃Phew！〃　He　let　the　air　out　of　his　lungs　with　relief。　〃That　was　a　close　shave！　Thought　we　were　for　it。　Nice　thing　for　my　parents　to　read　in　the　paper　tomorrow。　And　Oxford！　I　should　have　had　it。〃
　〃It　was　ghastly。〃
　There　was　so　much　feeling　in　my　voice　that　he　looked　sideways　at　me。　〃Oh；　well。　The　path　of　true　love　and　all　that。〃　His　voice　was　light　and　easy。　He　had　recovered。　When　would　I？　〃Damned　shame；　really；〃　he　went　on　casually。　〃Just　when　we'd　got　it　all　set　up。〃　He　put　enthusiasm　into　his　voice　to　carry　me　with　him。　〃Tell　you　what。　There's　an　hour　before　the　train。　Why　don't　we　walk　up　along　the　river。　It's　a　well…known　beat　for　Windsor　couples。　Absolutely　private。　Pity　to　waste　everything；　time　and　so　on；　now　we've　made　up　our　minds。〃
　The　〃so　on；〃　I　thought；　meant　〃the　thing〃　he　had　bought。　I　was　aghast。　I　said　urgently；　〃Oh；　but　I　can't；　Derek！　I　simply　can't！　You've　no　idea　how　awful　I　feel　about　what　happened。〃
　He　looked　quickly　at　me。　〃What　do　you　mean；　awful？　You　feeling　ill　or　something？〃
　〃Oh；　it's　not　that。　It's　just　that；　that　it　was　all　so　horrible。　So　shaming。〃
　〃Oh；　that！〃　his　voice　was　contemptuous。　〃We　got　away　with　it；　didn't　we？　e　on。　Be　a　sport！〃
　That　again！　But　I　did　want　to　be　forted；　feel　his　arms　round　me；　be　certain　he　still　loved　me；　although　everything　had　gone　so　wrong　for　him。　But　my　legs　began　to　tremble　at　the　thought　of　going　through　it　all　again。　I　clutched　my　knees　with　my　hands　to　control　them。　I　said　weakly。　〃Oh；　well。。。〃
　〃That's　my　girl！〃
　We　went　over　the　bridge；　and　Derek　pulled　the　car　in　to　the　side。　He　helped　me　over　a　stile　into　a　field　and　put　his　arm　round　me　and　guided　me　along　the　little　tow…path　past　some　houseboats　moored　under　the　willows。　〃Wish　we　had　one　of　those；〃　he　said。　〃How　about　breaking　into　one？　Lovely　double　bed。　Probably　some　drink　in　the　cupboards。〃
　〃Oh；　no；　Derek！　For　heaven's　sake！　There's　been　enough　trouble。〃　I　could　imagine　the　loud　voice。　〃What's　going　on　in　there？　Are　you　the　owners　of　this　boat？　e　on　out　and　let's　have　a　look　at　you。〃
　Derek　laughed。　〃Perhaps　you're　right。　Anyway；　the　grass　is　just　as　soft。　Aren't　you　excited？　You'll　see。　It's　wonderful。　Then　we'll　really　be　lovers。〃
　〃Oh；　yes；　Derek。　But　you　will　be　gentle；　won't　you？　I　shan't　be　any　good　at　it　the　first　time。〃
　Derek　squeezed　me　excitedly。　〃Don't　you　worry。　I'll　show　you。〃
　I　was　feeling　better；　stronger。　It　was　lovely　walking　with　him　in　the　moonlight。　But　there　was　a　grove　of　trees　ahead；　and　I　looked　at　it　fearfully。　I　knew　that　would　be　where　it　was　going　to　happen。　I　must；　I　must　make　it　easy　and　good　for　him！　I　mustn't　be　silly！　I　mustn't　cry！
　The　path　led　through　the　grove。　Derek　looked　about　him。　〃In　there；〃　he　said。　〃I'll　go　first。　Keep　your　head　down。〃
　We　crept　in　among　the　branches。　Sure　enough；　there　was　a　little　clearing。　Other　people　had　been　there　before。　There　was　a　cigarette　packet；　a　Coca…Cola　bottle。　The　moss　and　leaves　had　been　beaten　down。　1　had　the　feeling　that　this　was　a　brothel　bed　where　hundreds；　perhaps　thousands；　of　lovers　had　pressed　and　struggled。　But　now　there　was　no　turning　back。　At　least　it　must　be　a　good　place　for　it；　if　so　many　others　had　used　it。
　Derek　was　eager；　impatient。　He　put　his　coat　down　for　me　and　at　once　started；　almost　feverishly；　his　hands　devouring　me。　I　tried　to　melt；　but　my　body　was　still　cramped　with　nerves；　and　my　limbs　felt　like　wood。　I　wished　he　would　say　something；　something　sweet　and　loving；　but　he　was　intent　and　purposeful；　manhandling　me　almost　brutally；　treating　me　as　if　I　was　a　big　clumsy　doll。　〃A　paper　doll；　for　me　to　call　my　own〃…the　Ink　Spots　again！　I　could　hear　the　deep　bass　of　Hoppy　Jones　and　the　sweet　soprano　counterpoint　of　Bill　Kenny；　so　piercingly　sweet　that　it　tore　at　the　heartstrings。　And　underneath；　the　deep　pulse…beat　of　Charlie　Fuqua's　guitar。　The　tears　squeezed　out　of　my　eyes。　Oh；　God；　what　was　happening　to　me？　And　then　the　sharp　pain　and　the　short　scream　I　quickly　stifled；　and　he　was　lying　on　top　of　me；　his　chest　heaving　and　his　heart　beating　heavily　against　my　breast。　I　put　my　arms　round　him　and　felt　his　shirt　wet　against　my　hands。
　We　lay　like　that　for　long　minutes。　I　watched　the　moonlight　filtering　down　through　the　branches；　and　tried　to　stop　my　tears。　So　that　was　it！　The　great　moment。　A　moment　I　would　never　have　again。　So　now　I　was　a　woman；　and　the　girl　was　gone！　And　there　had　been　no　pleasure；　only　pain　like　they　all　said。　But　there　remained　something。　This　man　in　my　arms。　1　held　him　more　tightly　to　me。　1　was　his　now；　entirely　his；　and　he　was　mine。　He　would　look　after　me。　We　belonged。　Now　I　would　never　be　alone　again。　There　were　two　of　us。
　Derek　kissed　my　wet　cheek　and　scrambled　to　his　feet。　He　held　out　his　hands；　and　I　pulled　down　my　skirt　and　he　hauled　me　up。　He　looked　into　my　face；　and　there　was　embarrassment　in　his　half…smile。　〃I　hope　it　didn't　hurt　too　much。〃
　〃No。　But　was　it　all　right　for　you？〃
　〃Oh；　yes；　rather。〃
　He　bent　down　and　picked　up　his　coat。　He　looked　at　his　watch。　〃I　say！　Only　a　quarter　of　an　hour　for　the　train！　We'd　better　get　moving。〃
　We　scrambled　back　onto　the　path　and　as　we　walked　along　I　pulled　a　b　through　my　hair　and　brushed　at　my　skirt。　Derek　walked　silently　beside　me。　His　face　under　the　moon　was　now　closed；　and　when　I　put　my　arm　through　his　there　was　no　answering　pressure。　I　wished　he　would　be　loving；　talk　about　our　next　meeting；　but　I　could　feel　that　he　was　suddenly　withdrawn；　cold。　I　hadn't　got　used　to　men's　faces　after　they've　done　it。　I　blamed　myself。　It　hadn't　been　good　enough。　And　I　had　cried。　I　had　spoiled　it　for　him。
　We　came　to　the　car　and　drove　silently　to　the　station。　I　stopped　him　at　the　entrance。　Under　the　yellow　light　his　face　was　taut　and　strained　and　his　eyes　only　half　met　mine。　I　said；　〃Don't　e　to　the　train；　darling。　I　can　find　my　way。　What　about　next　Saturday？　I　could　e　down　to　Oxford。　Or　would　you　rather　wait　until　you're　settled　in？〃
　He　said　defensively；　〃Trouble　is；　Viv；　things　are　going　to　be　different　at　Oxford。　I'll　have　to　see。　Write　to　you。〃
　I　tried　to　read　his　face。　This　was　so　different　from　our　usual　parting。　Perhaps　he　was　tired。　God　knew　I　was！　I　said；　〃Yes；　of　course。　But　write　to　me　quickly；　darling。　I'd　like　to　know　how　you're　getting　on。〃　I　reached　up　and　kissed　him　on　the　lips。　His　own　lips　hardly　responded。
　He　nodded。　〃Well；　so　long；　Viv；〃　and　with　a　kind　of　twisted　smile　he　turned　and　went　off　round　the　corner　to　his　car。
　
　*　*　*
　
　It　was　two　weeks　later　that　I　got　the　letter。　I　had　written　twice；　but　there　had　been　no　answer。　In　desperation　I　had　even　telephoned；　but　the　man　at　the　other　end　had　gone　away　and　e　back　and　said　that　Mr。　Mallaby　wasn't　at　home。
　The　letter　began；　〃Dear　Viv；　This　is　going　to　be　a　difficult　letter　to　write。〃　When　I　had　got　that　far　I　went　into　my　bedroom　and　locked　the　door　and　sat　on　my　bed　and　gathered　my　courage。　The　letter　went　on　to　say　that　it　had　been　a　wonderful　summer　and　he　would　never　forget　me。　But　now　hi