if.thespywholovedme-第8部分

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　chaos　on　the　roads　and　in　the　cities；　and　I　hugged　my　cozy　solitude　to　me。
　My　drink　was　nearly　dead。　I　kept　it　just　alive　with　some　more　ice　cubes；　lit　another　cigarette；　and　settled　down　again　in　my　chair　while　a　disk　jockey　announced　half　an　hour　of　Dixieland　jazz。
　Kurt　hadn't　liked　jazz。　He　thought　it　decadent。　He　also　stopped　me　smoking　and　drinking　and　using　lipstick；　and　life　became　a　serious　business　of　art　galleries　and　concerts　and　lecture　halls。　As　a　contrast　to　my　meaningless；　rather　empty　life；　it　was　a　wele　change　and　I　dare　say　the　diet　of　Teutonism　appealed　to　the　rather　heavy　seriousness　that　underlies　the　Canadian　character。
　V。W。Z。；　the　Verband　Westdeutscher　Zeitungen；　was　an　independent　news　agency　financed　by　a　cooperative　of　West　German　newspapers　rather　on　the　lines　of　Reuter's。　Kurt　Rainer　was　its　first　representative　in　London　and　when　I　met　him　he　was　on　the　lookout　for　an　English　Number　Two　to　read　the　papers　and　weeklies　for　items　of　German　interest　while　he　did　the　high…level　diplomatic　stuff　and　covered　outside　assignments。　He　took　me　out　to　dinner　that　night；　to　Schmidt's　in　Charlotte　Street；　and　was　rather　charmingly　serious　about　the　importance　of　his　job　and　how　much　it　might　mean　for　Anglo…German　relationships。　He　was　a　powerfully　built；　outdoor　type　of　young　man　whose　bright　fair　hair　and　candid　blue　eyes　made　him　look　younger　than　his　thirty　years。　He　told　me　that　he　came　from　Augsburg；　near　Munich；　and　that　he　was　an　only　child　of　parents　who　were　both　doctors　and　had　both　been　rescued　from　a　concentration　camp　by　the　Americans。　They　had　been　informed　on　and　arrested　for　listening　to　the　Allied　radio　and　for　preventing　young　Kurt　from　joining　the　Hitler　Youth　Movement。　He　had　been　educated　at　Munich　High　School　and　at　the　University；　and　had　then　gone　into　journalism；　graduating　to　Die　Welt；　the　leading　West　German　newspaper；　from　which　he　had　been　chosen　for　this　London　job　because　of　his　good　English。　He　asked　me　what　I　did；　and　the　next　day　I　went　round　to　his　two…room　office　in　Chancery　Lane　and　showed　him　some　of　my　work。　With　typical　thoroughness　he　had　already　checked　up　on　me　through　friends　at　the　Press　Club；　and　a　week　later　I　found　myself　installed　in　the　room　next　to　his　with　the　P。A。/Reuter　and　the　Exchange　Telegraph　tickers　chattering　beside　my　desk。　My　salary　was　wonderful…thirty　pounds　a　week…　and　I　soon　got　to　love　the　work；　particularly　operating　the　Telex　with　our　Zentrale　in　Hamburg；　and　the　twice…daily　rush　to　catch　the　morning　and　evening　deadlines　of　the　German　papers。　My　lack　of　German　was　only　a　slight　handicap；　for；　apart　from　Kurt's　copy；　which　he　put　over　by　telephone；　all　my　stuff　went　over　the　Telex　in　English　and　was　translated　at　the　other　end；　and　the　Telex　operators　in　Hamburg　had　enough　English　to　chatter　with　me　when　I　was　on　the　machine。　It　was　rather　a　mechanical　job；　but　you　had　to　be　quick　and　accurate　and　it　was　fun　judging　the　success　or　failure　of　what　I　sent　by　the　German　cuttings　that　came　in　a　few　days　later。　Soon　Kurt　had　enough　confidence　to　leave　me　alone　in　charge　of　the　office；　and　there　were　exciting　little　emergencies　I　had　to　handle　by　myself　with　the　thrill　of　knowing　that　twenty　editors　in　Germany　were　depending　on　me　to　be　fast　and　right。　It　all　seemed　so　much　more　important　and　responsible　than　the　parochial　trivialities　of　the　Clarion；　and　I　enjoyed　the　authority　of　Kurt's　directions　and　decisions；　bined　with　the　constant　smell　of　urgency　that　goes　with　news　agency　work。
　In　due　course　Susan　got　married　and　I　moved　out　to　furnished　rooms　in　Bloomsbury　Square　in　the　same　building　as　Kurt。　I　had　wondered　if　this　was　a　good　idea；　but　he　was　so　korrekt　and　our　relationship　was　so　kameradschaftlich…words　which　he　constantly　employed　about　social　situations…that　I　thought　I　was　being　at　least　adequately　sensible。　It　was　very　silly　of　me。　Apart　from　the　fact　that　Kurt　probably　misunderstood　my　easy　acceptance　of　his　suggestion　that　I　find　a　place　in　his　building；　it　now　became　natural　that　we　should　walk　home　together　from　the　nearby　office。　Dinners　together　became　more　frequent　and；　later；　to　spare　the　expense；　he　would　bring　his　gramophone　up　to　my　sitting…room　and　I　would　cook　something　for　both　of　us。　Of　course；　I　saw　the　danger　and　I　invented　several　friends　to　spend　the　evening　with。　But　this　meant　sitting　by　myself　in　some　cinema　after　a　lonely　meal　with　all　the　nuisance　of　men　trying　to　pick　one　up。　And　Kurt　remained　so　korrekt　and　our　relationship　on　such　a　straightforward　and　even　highminded　level　that　my　apprehensions　came　to　seem　idiotic；　and　more　and　more　I　accepted　a　radely　way　of　life　that　seemed　not　only　totally　respectable　but　also　adult　in　the　modern　fashion。　I　was　all　the　more　confident　because；　after　about　three　months　of　this　peaceful　existence；　Kurt；　on　his　return　from　a　visit　to　Germany；　told　me　that　he　had　bee　engaged。　She　was　a　childhood　friend　called　Trude　and；　from　all　he　told　me；　they　were　ideally　suited。　She　was　the　daughter　of　a　Heidelberg　professor　of　philosophy；　and　the　placid　eyes　that　stared　out　of　the　snapshots　he　showed　me；　and　the　gleaming　braided　hair　and　trim　dirndl；　were　a　living　advertisement　for　〃Kinder；　Kirche；　Küche。〃
　Kurt　involved　me　closely　in　the　whole　affair；　translating　Trade's　letters　to　me；　discussing　the　number　of　children　they　would　have；　and　asking　my　advice　on　the　decoration　of　the　flat　they　planned　to　buy　in　Hamburg　when　he　had　finished　his　three　years'　stint　in　London　and　had　saved　enough　money　for　marriage。　I　became　a　sort　of　universal　aunt　to　the　two　of　them；　and　I　would　have　found　the　role　ridiculous　if　it　hadn't　all　seemed　quite　natural　and　rather　fun…like　having　two　big　dolls　to　play　at　〃weddings〃　with。　Kurt　had　even　planned　their　sex　life　minutely　and　the　details；　which　he　insisted；　rather　perversely；　on　sharing　with　me；　were　at　first　embarrassing　and　then；　because　he　was　so　clinical　about　the　whole　subject；　highly　educative。　On　the　honeymoon　in　Venice　（all　Germans　go　to　Italy　for　their　honeymoons）　they　would　of　course　do　it　every　night　because；　Kurt　said；　it　was　most　important　that　〃the　act〃　should　be　technically　perfect　and；　to　achieve　this；　much　practice　was　necessary。　To　this　end；　they　would　have　a　light　dinner；　because　a　full　stomach　was　not　desirable；　and　they　would　retire　not　later　than　eleven　o'clock　because　it　was　important　to　have　at　least　eight　hours'　sleep　〃to　recharge　the　batteries。〃　Trade；　he　said；　was　unawakened　and　inclined　to　be　kühl　sexually；　while　he　was　of　a　passionate　temperament。　So　there　would　have　to　be　much　preliminary　sex…play　to　bring　the　curve　of　her　passion　up　to　his。　This　would　need　restraint　on　his　part；　and　in　this　matter　he　would　have　to　be　firm　with　himself；　for；　as　he　told　me；　it　was　essential　to　a　happy　marriage　that　the　climax　should　be　reached　simultaneously　by　the　partners。　Only　thus　could　the　thrilling　summits　of　Ekstase　bee　the　equal　property　of　both。　After　the　honeymoon　they　would　sleep　together　on　Wednesdays　and　Saturdays。　To　do　it　more　often　would　weaken　his　〃batteries〃　and　might　reduce　his　efficiency　at　the　Büro。　All　this　Kurt　illustrated　with　a　wealth　of　most　explicit　scientific　words　and　even　with　diagrams　and　drawings　done　on　the　tablecloth　with　a　fork。　The　lectures；　for　such　they　were；　convinced　me　that　Kurt　was　a　lover　of　quite　exceptional　finesse；　and　I　admit　I　was　fascinated　and　rather　envious　of　the　well…regulated　and　thoroughly　hygienic　delights　that　were　being　prepared　for　Trude。　There　were　many　nights　when　I　longed　for　these　experiences　to　be　mine；　and　for　someone　to　play　upon　me　also　like；　as　Kurt　put　it；　〃a　great　violinist　playing　upon　his　instrument。〃　And　it　was　inevitable；　I　suppose；　that　in　my　dreams　it　was　Kurt　who　came　to　me　in　that　role…so　safe；　so　gentle；　so　deeply　understanding　of　a　woman's　physical　needs。
　The　months　passed；　and　gradually　the　tone　and　frequency　of　Trude's　letters　began　to　change。　It　was　I　who　noticed　it　first；　but　I　said　nothing。　There　were　more　frequent　and　sharper　plaints　about　the　length　of　the　waiting　period；　the　tender　passages　became　more　perfunctory；　and　the　pleasures　of　a　summer　holiday　on　the　Tegernsee；　where　Trude　had　met　up　with　a　〃happy　group；〃　after　a　first　ecstatic　description；　were；　significantly；　I　thought；　not　mentioned　again。　And　then；　after　three　weeks　of　silence　from　Trude；　Kurt　came　up　to　my　rooms　one　evening；　his　face　pale　and　wet　with　tears。　I　was　lying　on　the　sofa；　reading；　and　he　fell　on　his　knees　beside　me　and　buried　his　head　on　my　breast。　It　was　all　over；　he　said　between　sobs。　She　had　met　another　man；　at　the　Tegernsee　of　course；　a　doctor　from　Munich；　a　widower。　He　had　proposed　to　her　and　she　had　accepted。　It　had　been　love　at　first　sight。　Kurt　must　understand　that　such　a　thing　only　happened　once　in　a　girl's　lifetime。　He　must　forgive　her　and　forget　her。　She　was　not　good　enough　for　him。　（Ah！　That　shabby　phrase　again！）　They　must　remain　honorable　friends。　The　marriage　was　to　take　place　next　month。　Kurt　must　try　and　wish　her　well。　Farewell；　your　abject　Trude。
　Kurt's　arms　were　round　me　and　he　was　holding　me　desperately。　〃Now　I　have　only　you；〃　he　said　through　his　sobs。　〃You　must　be　kind。　You　must　give　me　fort。〃
　I　smoothed　his　hair　as　maternally　as　I　could；　wondering　how　to　escape　from　his　embrace；　yet　at　the　same　time　being　melted　by　the　despair　of　this　strong　man　and　by　his　dependence　on　me。　I　tried　to　make　my　voice　sound　matter…of…fact。　〃Well；　if　you　ask　me；　it　was　a　lucky　escape。　Any　girl　as　changeable　as　that　would　not　have　made　you　a　good　wife。　There　are　many　other　better　girls　in　Germany。　e　on；　Kurt；〃　I　struggled　to　sit　up。　〃We'll　go　out　to　dinner　and　a　cinema。　It　will　take　your　mind　off　things。　It's　no　good　crying　over　spilt　milk。　e　on！〃　I　freed　myself　rather　breathlessly　and　we　both　got　to　our　feet。
　Kurt　hung　his　head。　〃Ah；　but　you　are　good　to　me；　Viv。　You　are　a　real　friend　in　need…eine　echte　Kameradin。　And　you　are　right。　I　must　not　behave　like　a　weakling。　You　will　be　ashamed　of　me。　And　that　I　could　not　bear。〃　He　gave　me　a　tortured　smile　and　went　to　the　door　and　let　himself　out。
　Only　two　weeks　later　we　were　lovers。　It　was　somehow　inevitable。　I　had　half　known　it　would　be；　and　I　did　nothing　to　dodge　my　fate。　I　was　not　in　love　with　him；　and　yet　we　had　grown