if.thespywholovedme-第9部分

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　Only　two　weeks　later　we　were　lovers。　It　was　somehow　inevitable。　I　had　half　known　it　would　be；　and　I　did　nothing　to　dodge　my　fate。　I　was　not　in　love　with　him；　and　yet　we　had　grown　so　close　in　so　many　other　ways　that　the　next　step　of　sleeping　together　was　bound；　inexorably；　to　follow。　The　details　were　really　quite　dull。　The　occasional　friendly　kiss　on　the　cheek；　as　if　to　a　sister；　came　by　degrees　closer　to　my　mouth　and　one　day　was　on　it。　There　was　a　pause　in　the　campaign　while　I　came　to　take　this　kind　of　kiss　for　granted；　then　came　the　soft　assault　on　my　breasts　and　then　on　my　body；　all　so　pleasurable；　so　calm；　so　lacking　in　drama；　and　then；　one　evening　in　my　sitting…room；　the　slow　stripping　of　my　body　〃because　I　must　see　how　beautiful　you　are；〃　the　feeble；　almost　languorous　protests；　and　then　the　scientific　operation　that　had　been　prepared　for　Trude。　And　how　delicious　it　was；　in　the　wonderful　privacy　of　my　own　room！　How　safe；　how　unhurried；　how　reassuring　the　precautions！　And　how　strong　and　gentle　Kurt　was；　and；　of　all　things　to　associate　with　love…making；　how　divinely　polite！　A　single　flower　after　each　time；　the　room　tidied　after　each　passionate　ecstasy；　studious　correctness　in　the　office　and　before　other　people；　never　a　rough　or　even　a　dirty　word…it　was　like　a　series　of　exquisite　operations　by　a　surgeon　with　the　best　bedside　manners　in　the　world。　Of　course；　it　was　all　rather　impersonal。　But　I　liked　that。　It　was　sex　without　involvement　or　danger；　a　delicious　heightening　of　the　day's　routine　which　each　time　left　me　sleek　and　glowing　like　a　pampered　cat。
　I　might　have　realized；　or　at　any　rate　guessed；　that；　at　least　among　amateur　women　as　opposed　to　prostitutes；　there　is　no　physical　love　without　emotional　involvement…over　a　long　period；　that　is。　Physical　intimacy　is　halfway　to　love；　and　enslavement　is　much　of　the　other　half。　Admittedly　my　mind　and　much　of　my　instincts　didn't　enter　into　our　relationship。　They　remained　dormant；　happily　dormant。　But　my　days　and　my　nights　were　so　full　of　this　man；　I　was　so　dependent　on　him　for　so　much　of　the　twenty…four　hours；　that　it　would　have　been　almost　inhuman　not　to　have　fallen　into　some　sort　of　love　with　him。　I　kept　on　telling　myself　that　he　was　humorless；　impersonal；　un…funloving；　wooden；　and；　finally；　most　excessively　German；　but　that　didn't　alter　the　fact　that　I　listened　for　his　step　on　the　stairs；　worshiped　the　warmth　and　authority　of　his　body；　and　was　happy　at　all　times　to　cook　and　mend　and　work　for　him。　I　admitted　to　myself　that　I　was　being　a　vegetable；　a　docile　Hausfrau；　walking；　in　my　mind；　six　paces　behind　him　on　the　street　like　some　native　bearer；　but　I　also　had　to　admit　that　I　was　happy；　contented；　and　carefree；　and　that　I　didn't　really　yearn　for　any　other　kind　of　life。　There　were　moments　when　I　wanted　to　break　out　of　the　douce；　ordered　cycle　of　the　days；　shout　and　sing　and　generally　create　hell；　but　I　told　myself　that　these　impulses　were　basically　antisocial；　unfeminine；　chaotic；　and　psychologically　unbalanced。　Kurt　had　made　me　understand　these　things。　For　him；　symmetry；　the　even　tempo；　the　right　thing　in　the　right　place；　the　calm　voice；　the　measured　opinion；　love　on　Wednesdays　and　Saturdays　（after　a　light　dinner！）　were　the　way　to　happiness　and　away　from　what　he　described　as　〃The　Anarchic　Syndrome〃…i。e。；　smoking　and　drinking；　phenobarbital；　jazz；　promiscuous　sleeping…about；　fast　cars；　slimming；　Negroes　and　their　new　republics；　homosexuality；　the　abolition　of　the　death　penalty；　and　a　host　of　other　deviations　from　what　he　described　as　Naturmenschlichkeit；　or；　in　more　words　but　shorter　ones；　a　way　of　life　more　like　the　ants　and　the　bees。　Well；　that　was　all　right　with　me。　I　had　been　brought　up　to　the　simple　life　and　I　was　very　happy　to　be　back　in　it　after　my　brief　taste　of　the　rackety　round　of　Chelsea　pubs　and　gimcrack　journalism；　not　to　mention　my　drama…fraught　affair　with　Derek；　and　I　did　quietly　fall　into　some　sort　of　love　with　Kurt。
　And　then；　inevitably；　it　happened。
　Soon　after　we　started　making　regular　love；　Kurt　had　steered　me　toward　a　reliable　woman　doctor　who　gave　me　a　homely　lecture　about　contraception　and　fixed　me　up。　But　she　warned　that　even　these　precautions　could　go　wrong。　And　they　did。　At　first；　hoping　for　the　best；　I　said　nothing　to　Kurt；　but　then；　from　many　motives…not　wanting　to　carry　the　secret　alone；　the　faint　hope　that　he　might　be　pleased　and　ask　me　to　marry　him；　and　a　genuine　fear　about　my　condition…I　told　him。　I　had　no　idea　what　his　reaction　might　be；　but　of　course　I　expected　tenderness；　sympathy；　and　at　least　a　show　of　love。　We　were　standing　by　the　door　of　my　bedroom；　preparatory　to　saying　good　night。　I　hadn't　a　stitch　of　clothes　on；　while　he　was　fully　dressed。　When　1　had　finished　telling　him；　he　quietly　disengaged　my　arms　from　round　his　neck；　looked　my　body　up　and　down　with　what　I　can　only　call　a　mixture　of　anger　and　contempt；　and　reached　for　the　door　handle。　Then　he　looked　me　coldly　in　the　eyes；　said　very　softly；　〃So？〃　and　walked　out　of　the　room　and　shut　the　door　quietly　behind　him。
　。　I　went　and　sat　down　on　the　edge　of　my　bed　and　stared　at　the　wall。　What　had　I　done？　What　had　I　said　wrong？　What　did　Kurt's　behavior　mean？　Then；　weak　with　foreboding；　I　got　into　bed　and　cried　myself　to　sleep。
　I　was　right　to　cry。　The　next　morning；　when　I　called　for　him　downstairs　for　our　usual　walk　to　the　office；　he　had　already　gone　out。　When　I　got　to　the　office；　the　municating　door　with　mine　was　closed；　and　when；　after　a　quarter　of　an　hour　or　so；　he　opened　the　door　and　said　we　must　have　a　talk；　his　face　was　icily　cold。　I　went　into　his　office　and　sat　down　with　the　desk　between　us：　an　employee　being　interviewed　by　the　boss…being　sacked；　as　it　turned　out。
　The　burden　of　his　speech；　delivered　in　matter…of…fact；　impersonal　tones；　was　this。　In　a　radely　liaison　such　as　we　had　enjoyed；　and　it　had　indeed　been　most　enjoyable；　it　was　essential　that　matters　should　run　smoothly；　in　an　orderly　fashion。　We　had　been　（yes；　〃had　been〃）　good　friends；　but　I　would　agree　that　there　had　never　been　any　talk　of　marriage；　of　anything　more　permanent　than　a　satisfactory　understanding　between　rades　（that　word　again！）。　It　had　indeed　been　a　most　pleasant　relationship；　but　now；　through　the　fault　of　one　of　the　partners　（me　alone；　I　suppose！）；　this　had　happened；　and　now　a　radical　solution　must　be　found　for　a　problem　that　contained　elements　of　embarrassment　and　even　of　danger　for　our　life…paths。　Marriage…alas；　for　he　had　an　excellent　opinion　of　my　qualities　and　above　all　of　my　physical　beauty…was　out　of　the　question。　Apart　from　other　considerations；　he　had　inherited　strong　views　about　mixed　blood　（Heil　Hitler！）　and　when　he　married；　it　would　be　into　the　Teutonic　strain。　Accordingly；　and　with　sincere　regret；　he　had　e　to　certain　decisions。　The　most　important　was　that　I　must　have　an　immediate　operation。　Three　months　was　already　a　dangerous　delay。　This　would　be　a　simple　matter。　I　would　fly　to　Zürich　and　stay　at　one　of　the　hotels　near　the　Hauptbahnhof。　Any　taxi　driver　would　take　me　there　from　the　airport。　I　would　ask　the　concierge　for　the　name　of　the　hotel　doctor…there　were　excellent　doctors　in　Zürich…　and　I　would　consult　him。　He　would　understand　the　situation。　All　Swiss　doctors　did。　He　would　suggest　that　my　blood　pressure　was　too　high　or　too　low；　or　that　my　nerves　were　not　in　a　fit　state　to　support　the　strain　of　childbirth。　He　would　speak　to　a　gynecologist…there　were　superb　gynecologists　in　Zürich…and　I　would　visit　this　man；　who　would　confirm　what　the　doctor　had　said　and　sign　a　paper　to　that　effect。　The　gynecologist　would　make　a　reservation　at　a　clinic；　and　the　whole　matter　would　be　solved　inside　a　week。　There　would　be　plete　discretion。　The　procedure　was　perfectly　legal　in　Switzerland；　and　I　would　not　even　have　to　show　my　passport。　I　could　give　any　name　I　chose…a　married　name；　naturally。　The　cost　would；　however；　be　high。　Perhaps　as　much　as　one　hundred；　or　even　one　hundred　and　fifty　pounds。　That　also　he　had　seen　to。　He　reached　into　the　drawer　of　his　desk；　took　out　an　envelope；　and　slid　it　across　the　table。　It　would　be　reasonable；　after　nearly　two　years'　excellent　service；　for　me　to　receive　one　month's　salary　in　lieu　of　notice。　That　was　one　hundred　and　twenty　pounds。　Out　of　his　own　pocket　he　had　taken　the　liberty　of　adding　fifty　pounds　to　cover　the　air　fare；　tourist　class；　and　leave　something　over　for　emergencies。　The　whole　sum　was　in　Reichsmarks　to　avoid　any　problem　over　the　exchange。
　Kurt　smiled　tentatively；　waiting　for　my　thanks　and　congratulations　for　his　efficiency　and　generosity。　He　must　have　been　put　out　by　the　expression　of　blank　horror　on　my　face；　because　he　hurried　on。　Above　all；　I　must　not　worry。　These　unfortunate　things　happened　in　life。　They　were　painful　and　untidy。　He　himself　was　most　distressed　that　so　happy　a　relationship；　one　of　the　happiest　in　his　experience；　should　e　to　an　end。　As；　alas；　it　had　to。　He　added　finally　that　he　hoped　I　understood。
　I　nodded　and　got　to　my　feet。　I　picked　up　the　envelope；　took　one　last　look　at　the　golden　hair；　the　mouth　I　had　loved；　the　strong　shoulders；　and；　feeling　the　tears　ing；　I　walked　quickly　out　of　the　room　and　shut　the　door　softly　behind　me。
　Before　1　met　Kurt；　I　had　been　a　bird　with　a　wing　down。　Now　I　had　been　shot　in　the　other。
　　
　Six：　Go　West；　Young　Woman
　
　AT　the　end　of　August；　when　all　this　happened；　Zürich　was　as　gay　as　this　sullen　city　can　be。　The　clear；　glacier　water　of　the　lake　was　bright　with　sailing…boats　and　water　skiers；　the　public　beaches　were　thronged　with　golden　bathers；　and　the　glum　Bahnhofplatz；　and　the　Bahnhofstrasse　that　is　the　pride　of　the　town；　clattered　with　ruck…sacked　Jugend　who　had　business　with　the　mountains。　The　healthy；　well…ordered　carnival　atmosphere　rasped　on　my　raw　nerves　and　filled　my　sick　heart　with　mixed　anguish。　This　was　the　Kurt's…eye　view　of　life…Naturfreude；　the　simple　existence　of　simple　animals。　He　and　I　had　shared　such　a　life；　and　on　the　surface　it　had　been　good。　But　blond　hair　and　clear　eyes　and　sunburn　are　no　thicker　than　the　paint　on　a　woman's　face。　They　are　just　another　kind　of　gloss。　A　trite　reflection；　of　course；　but　I　had　now　been　let　down　both　by　the　worldliness　of　Derek　and　by　the　homespun　of　Kurt；　and　I　was　prepared　to　lose　confidence　in　every　man。　It　wasn't　that　I　had　expected　Kurt　to　marry　me；