sk.misery-第40部分

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re　in　the　woods。　It's　far　enough　in　so　you　can't　see　it　from　the　road。　I've　got　a　spotlight　on　the　side　of　Old　Bessie；　and　it's　plenty　powerful；　but　the　wash　is　empty　all　the　way　into　the　woods。　I　guess　I'll　go　in　on　foot　and　check　when　the　water　goes　down　a　little；　but　I'm　almost　positive　it's　safe。　Some　hunter　will　find　it　in　two　years　or　five　years　or　seven　years；　all　rusty　and　with　chipmunks　nesting　in　the　seats；　and　by　then　you　will　have　finished　my　book　and　will　be　back　in　New　York　or　Los　Angeles　or　wherever　it　is　you　decide　to　go；　and　I'll　be　living　my　quiet　life　out　here。　Maybe　we　will　correspond　sometimes。〃　She　smiled　mistily　…　the　smile　of　a　woman　who　sees　a　lovely　castle　in　the　sky　…　and　then　the　smile　disappeared　and　she　was　all　business　again。
　〃So　I　came　back　here　and　on　the　way　I　did　some　hard　thinking。　I　had　to；　because　your　car　being　gone　meant　that　you　could　really　stay；　you　could　really　finish　my　book。　I　wasn't　always　sure　you'd　be　able　to；　you　know；　although　I　never　said　because　I　didn't　want　to　upset　you。　Partly　I　didn't　want　to　upset　you　because　I　knew　you　wouldn't　write　as　well　if　I　did；　but　that　sounds　ever　so　much　colder　than　I　really　felt；　my　dear。　You　see；　I　began　by　loving　only　the　part　of　you　that　makes　such　wonderful　stories；　because　that's　the　only　part　I　had　…　the　rest　of　you　I　didn't　know　anything　about；　and　I　thought　that　part　might　really　be　quite　unpleasant。　I'm　not　a　dummy；　you　know。　I've　read　about　some　so…called　〃famous　authors〃；　and　I　know　that　often　they　are　quite　unpleasant。　Why；　F。　Scott　Fitzgerald　and　Ernest　Hemingway　and　that　redneck　fellow　from　Mississippi　…　Faulkner　or　whatever　it　was　…　those　fellows　may　have　won　National　Pulitzer　Book　Awards　and　things；　but　they　were　nothing　but　cockadoodie　drunken　burns　just　the　same。　Other　ones；　too　…　when　they　weren't　writing　wonderful　stories　they　were　drinking　and　whoring　and　shooting　dope　and　heaven　knows　what　else。
　〃But　you're　not　like　that；　and　after　awhile　I　came　to　know　the　rest　of　Paul　Sheldon；　and　I　hope　you　don't　mind　me　saying　it；　but　I　have　e　to　love　the　rest　of　him；　too。〃
　〃Thank　you；　Annie；〃　he　said　from　atop　his　golden　glistening　wave；　and　he　thought：　Bu　tyou　may　have　read　me　wrong；　you　know　…　I　mean；　the　situations　that　lead　men　into　temptation　have　been　severely　curtailed　up　here。　It's　sort　of　hard　to　go　bar…hopping　when　you've　got　a　couple　of　broken　legs；　Annie。　As　for　shooting　dope；　I've　got　the　Bourka　Bee…Goddess　to　do　that　for　me。
　〃But　would　you　want　to　stay？〃　she　resumed。　〃That　was　the　question　I　had　to　ask　myself；　and　as　much　as　I　may　have　wanted　to　pull　the　wool　over　my　eyes；　I　knew　the　answer　to　that　…　I　knew　even　before　I　saw　the　marks　on　the　door　over　there。〃　She　pointed　and　Paul　thought：　I'll　bet　she　did　know　almost　from　the　very　first。　Wool…pulling？　Not　you；　Annie。　Never　you。　But　I　was　doing　enough　of　that　for　both　of　us。
　〃Do　you　remember　the　first　time　I　went　away？　After　we　had　that　silly　fight　over　the　paper？〃
　〃Yes；　Annie。〃
　〃That　was　when　you　went　out　the　first　time；　wasn't　it？〃
　〃Yes。〃　There　was　no　point　in　denying　it。
　〃Of　course。　You　wanted　your　pills。　I　should　have　known　you'd　do　anything　to　get　your　pills；　but　when　I　get　mad；　I　get　。　。　。　you　know。〃　She　giggled　a　little　nervously。　Paul　did　not　join　her；　or　even　smile。　The　memory　of　that　pain…racked；　endless　interlude　with　the　phantom　voice　of　the　sportscaster　doing　the　play…by…play　was　too　strong　still。
　Yes；　I　know　how　you　get；　he　thought。　You　get　oogy。
　〃At　first　I　wasn't　pletely　sure。　Oh；　I　saw　that　some　of　the　figures　on　the　little　table　in　the　parlor　had　been　moved　around；　but　I　thought　I　might　have　done　that　myself　…　I　have　times　when　I'm　really　quite　forgetful。　It　crossed　my　mind　that　you'd　been　out　of　your　room；　but　then　I　thought；　No；　that's　impossible。　He's　so　badly　hurt；　and　besides；　I　locked　the　door。　I　even　checked　to　make　sure　the　key　was　still　in　my　skirt　pocket；　and　it　was。　Then　I　remembered　you　were　in　your　chair。　So　maybe　。　。　。
　〃One　of　the　things　you　learn　when　you've　been　an　R。N。　for　ten　years　is　that　it's　always　wise　to　check　your　maybes。　So　I　took　a　look　at　the　things　I　keep　in　the　downstairs　bathroom　…　they're　mostly　samples　I　brought　home　off　and　on　while　I　was　working；　you　should　see　all　the　stuff　that　just　goes　roiling　around　in　hospitals；　Paul！　And　so　every　now　and　then　I　helped　myself　to　a　few　。　。　。　well　。　。　。　a　few　extras　。　。　。　and　I　wasn't　the　only　one。　But　I　knew　enough　not　to　take　any　of　the　morphine　based　drugs。　They　lock　those　up。　They　count。　They　keep　records。　And　if　they　get　an　idea　that　a　nurse　is；　you　know；　chipping　…　that's　what　they　call　it　…　they　watch　that　nurse　until　they're　sure。　Then；　bang！〃　Annie　chopped　her　hand　down　hard。　〃Out　they　go；　and　most　of　them　never　put　on　the　white　cap　again。
　〃I　was　smarter　than　that。
　〃Looking　at　those　cartons　was　the　Sam　e　as　looking　at　the　figures　on　the　little　parlor　table。　I　thought　the　stuff　in　them　had　been　sort　of　stirred　around；　and　I　was　pretty　sure　that　one　of　the　cartons　that　was　on　the　bottom　before　was　on　top　of　some　of　the　other　cartons　now；　but　I　couldn't　be　sure。　And　I　could　have　done　it　myself　when　I　was　。　。　。　well　。　。　。　when　I　was　preoccupied。
　〃Then；　two　days　later；　after　I　had　just　about　decided　to　let　it　go；　I　came　in　to　give　you　your　afternoon　medication。　You　were　still　having　your　nap。　I　tried　to　turn　the　doorknob；　but　for　a　few　seconds　it　wouldn't　turn　…　it　was　like　the　door　was　locked。　Then　it　did　turn；　and　I　heard　something　rattle　inside　the　lock。　Then　you　started　to　stir　around　so　I　just　gave　you　your　pills　like　always。　Like　I　didn't　suspect。　I'm　very　good　at　that；　Paul。　Then　I　helped　you　into　your　chair　so　you　could　write。　And　when　I　helped　you　into　it　that　afternoon；　I　felt　like　Saint　Paul　on　the　road　to　Damascus。　My　eyes　were　opened。　I　saw　how　much　of　your　color　had　e　back。　I　saw　that　you　were　moving　your　legs。　They　were　giving　you　pain；　and　you　could　only　move　them　a　little；　but　you　were　moving　them。　And　your　arms　were　getting　stronger　again；　as　well。
　〃I　saw　you　were　almost　healthy　again。
　〃That　was　when　I　started　to　realize　I　could　have　a　problem　with　you　even　if　no　one　from　the　outside　suspected　a　thing。　I　looked　at　you　and　saw　that　I　might　not　be　the　only　one　good　at　keeping　secrets。
　〃That　night　I　changed　your　medication　for　something　a　little　stronger；　and　when　I　was　sure　you　weren't　going　to　wake　up　even　if　someone　exploded　a　grenade　under　your　bed；　I　got　my　little　tool…kit　from　the　cellar　shelf　and　I　took　the　keyplate　off　that　door。　And　look　what　I　found！〃　She　took　something　small　and　dark　from　one　of　the　flap　pockets　of　her　mannish　shirt。　She　put　it　in　his　numb　hand。　He　brought　it　up　close　to　his　face　and　stared　at　it　owlishly。　It　was　a　bent　and　twisted　chunk　of　bobby…pin。
　Paul　began　to　giggle。　He　couldn't　help　it。
　〃What's　so　funny；　Paul？〃
　〃The　day　you　went　to　pay　your　taxes。　I　needed　to　open　the　door　again。　The　wheelchair　…　it　was　almost　too　big　…　it　left　black　marks。　I　wanted　to　wipe　them　off　if　I　could。〃
　〃So　I　wouldn't　see　them。〃
　〃Yes。　But　you　already　had；　hadn't　you？〃
　〃After　I　found　one　of　my　bobby…pins　in　the　lock？〃　She　smiled　herself　〃You　bet　your　rooty…patooties　I　had。〃　Paul　nodded　and　laughed　even　harder。　He　was　laughing　so　hard　tears　were　squirting　from　his　eyes。　All　his　work　。　。　。　all　his　worry　。　。　。　all　for　nothing。　It　seemed　deliciously　funny。
　He　said；　〃I　was　worried　that　piece　of　bobby…pin　might　mess　me　up　。　。　。　but　it　didn't。　I　never　even　heard　it　rattling　around。　And　there　was　a　good　reason　for　that；　wasn't　there？　It　never　rattled　because　you　took　it　out。　What　a　fooler　you　are；　Annie。〃
　〃Yes；〃　she　said；　and　smiled　thinly。　〃What　a　fooler　I　am。〃　She　moved　her　feet。　That　muffled　wooden　thump　from　the　foot　of　the　bed　came　again。
　
　
　22
　
　〃How　many　times　were　you　out　in　all？〃　The　knife。　Oh　Christ；　the　knife。
　〃Twice。　No　…　wait。　I　went　out　again　yesterday　afternoon　around　five　o'clock。　To　fill　up　my　water　pitcher。〃　This　was　true；　he　had　filled　the　pitcher。　But　he　had　omitted　the　real　reason　for　his　third　trip。　The　real　reason　was　under　his　mattress。　The　Princess　and　the　Pea。　Paulie　and　the　Pig　Sticker。　〃Three　times；　counting　the　trip　for　the　water。〃
　〃Tell　the　truth；　Paul。〃
　〃Just　three　times；　I　swear。　And　never　to　get　away。　For　Christ's　sake　I'm　writing　a　book　here；　in　case　you　didn't　notice。〃
　〃Don't　use　the　Saviour's　name　in　vain；　Paul。〃
　〃You　quit　using　mine　that　way　and　maybe　I　will。　The　first　time　I　was　in　so　much　pain　that　it　felt　like　someone　had　put　me　into　hell　from　the　knees　on　down。　And　someone　did。　You　did；　Annie。〃
　〃Shut　up；　Paul！〃
　〃The　second　time　I　just　wanted　to　get　something　to　eat；　and　make　sure　I　had　some　extra　supplies　in　here　in　case　you　were　gone　a　long　time；〃　he　went　on；　ignoring　her。　〃Then　I　got　thirsty。　That's　all　there　is。　No　big　conspiracy。〃
　〃You　didn't　try　the　telephone　either　time；　I　suppose；　or　took　at　the　locks　…　because　you　are　just　such　a　good　little　boy。〃
　〃Sure　I　tried　the　phone。　Sure　I　looked　at　the　locks　。　。　。　not　that　I　would　have　gotten　very　far　in　the　mudbath　out　there　even　if　your　doors　had　been　wide　open。〃　The　dope　was　ing　in　heavier　and　heavier　waves；　and　now　he　just　wished　she　would　shut　up　and　go　away。　She　had　already　doped　him　enough　to　tell　the　truth　…　he　was　afraid　he　would　have　to　pay　the　consequences　in　time。　But　first　he　wanted　to　sleep。
　〃How　many　times　did　you　go　out？〃
　〃I　told　you　…　〃
　〃How　many　times？〃　Her　voice　was　rising。　〃Tell　the　truth！〃
　〃I　am！　Three　times！〃
　〃How　many　times；　God　damn　it？〃　In　spite　of　the　cruiser…load　of　dope　she'd　shot　into　him；　Paul　began　to　be　frightened。
　At　least　if　she　does　something　to　me　it　can't　hurt　too　much　。　。　。　and　she　wants　me　to　finish　the　book　。　。　。　she　said　so　。　。　。
　〃You're　treating　me　like　a　fool。〃　He　noticed　how　shiny　her　skin　was；　like　some　sort　of　polymer　plastic　stretched　tightly　over　stone。　There　seemed　to　be　no　pores　at　all　in　that　face。
　〃Annie；　I　swear　…　〃
　〃Oh；　liars　can　swear！　Liars　love　to　swear！　Well；　go　ahead　and　treat　me　like　a　fool；　if　that's　what　you　want。　That's　fine。　Goody…goody　for　you。　Treat　a　woman　who　isn't　a　fool　as　if　she　were；　and　that　woman　always　es　out　ahead。　Let　me　tell　you；　Paul　…　I've　stretched　thread　and　strands