da.thehitchhikersguidetothegalaxy-第24部分

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　　〃Zaphod！　Wake　up！〃
　　〃Mmmmmwwwwwerrrrr？〃
　　〃Hey　e　on；　wake　up。〃
　　〃Just　let　me　stick　to　what　I'm　good　at；　yeah？〃　muttered　Zaphod　and　rolled　away　from　the　voice　back　to　sleep。
　　〃Do　you　want　me　to　kick　you？〃　said　Ford。
　　〃Would　it　give　you　a　lot　of　pleasure？〃　said　Zaphod；　blearily。
　　〃No。〃
　　〃Nor　me。　So　what's　the　point？　Stop　bugging　me。〃　Zaphod　curled　himself　up。
　　〃He　got　a　double　dose　of　the　gas；〃　said　Trillian　looking　down　at　him；　〃two　windpipes。〃
　　〃And　stop　talking；〃　said　Zaphod；　〃it's　hard　enough　trying　to　sleep　anyway。　What's　the　matter　with　the　ground？　It's　all　cold　and　hard。〃
　　〃It's　gold；〃　said　Ford。
　　With　an　amazingly　balletic　movement　Zaphod　was　standing　and　scanning　the　horizon；　because　that　was　how　far　the　gold　ground　stretched　in　every　direction；　perfectly　smooth　and　solid。　It　gleamed　like。。。　it's　impossible　to　say　what　it　gleamed　like　because　nothing　in　the　Universe　gleams　in　quite　the　same　way　that　a　planet　of　solid　gold　does。
　　〃Who　put　all　that　there？〃　yelped　Zaphod；　goggle…eyed。
　　〃Don't　get　excited；〃　said　Ford；　〃it's　only　a　catalogue。〃
　　〃A　who？〃
　　〃A　catalogue；〃　said　Trillian；　〃an　illusion。〃
　　〃How　can　you　say　that？〃　cried　Zaphod；　falling　to　his　hands　and　knees　and　staring　at　the　ground。　He　poked　it　and　prodded　it　with　his　fingernail。　It　was　very　heavy　and　very　slightly　soft　…　he　could　mark　it　with　his　fingernail。　It　was　very　yellow　and　very　shiny；　and　when　he　breathed　on　it　his　breath　evaporated　off　it　in　that　very　peculiar　and　special　way　that　breath　evaporates　off　solid　gold。
　　〃Trillian　and　I　came　round　a　while　ago；〃　said　Ford。　〃We　shouted　and　yelled　till　somebody　came　and　then　carried　on　shouting　and　yelling　till　they　got　fed　up　and　put　us　in　their　planet　catalogue　to　keep　us　busy　till　they　were　ready　to　deal　with　us。　This　is　all　Sens…O…Tape。〃
　　Zaphod　stared　at　him　bitterly。
　　〃Ah；　shit；〃　he　said；　〃you　wake　me　up　from　my　own　perfectly　good　dream　to　show　me　somebody　else's。〃　He　sat　down　in　a　huff。
　　〃What's　that　series　of　valleys　over　there？〃　he　said。
　　〃Hallmark；〃　said　Ford。　〃We　had　a　look。〃
　　〃We　didn't　wake　you　earlier；〃　said　Trillian。　〃The　last　planet　was　knee　deep　in　fish。〃
　　〃Fish？〃
　　〃Some　people　like　the　oddest　things。〃
　　〃And　before　that；〃　said　Ford；　〃we　had　platinum。　Bit　dull。　We　thought　you'd　like　to　see　this　one　though。〃
　　Seas　of　light　glared　at　them　in　one　solid　blaze　wherever　they　looked。
　　〃Very　pretty；〃　said　Zaphod　petulantly。
　　In　the　sky　a　huge　green　catalogue　number　appeared。　It　flickered　and　changed；　and　when　they　looked　around　again　so　had　the　land。
　　As　with　one　voice　they　all　went；　〃Yuch。〃
　　The　sea　was　purple。　The　beach　they　were　on　was　posed　of　tiny　yellow　and　green　pebbles　…　presumably　terribly　precious　stones。　The　mountains　in　the　distance　seemed　soft　and　undulating　with　red　peaks。　Nearby　stood　a　solid　silver　beach　table　with　a　frilly　mauve　parasol　and　silver　tassles。　
　　In　the　sky　a　huge　sign　appeared；　replacing　the　catalogue　number。　It　said；　Whatever　your　tastes；　Magrathea　can　cater　for　you。　We　are　not　proud。
　　And　five　hundred　entirely　naked　women　dropped　out　of　the　sky　on　parachutes。
　　In　a　moment　the　scene　vanished　and　left　them　in　a　springtime　meadow　full　of　cows。
　　〃Ow！〃　said　Zaphod。　〃My　brains！〃
　　〃You　want　to　talk　about　it？〃　said　Ford。
　　〃Yeah；　OK；〃　said　Zaphod；　and　all　three　sat　down　and　ignored　the　scenes　that　came　and　went　around　them。
　　〃I　figure　this；〃　said　Zaphod。　〃Whatever　happened　to　my　mind；　I　did　it。　And　I　did　it　in　such　a　way　that　it　wouldn't　be　detected　by　the　government　screening　tests。　And　I　wasn't　to　know　anything　about　it　myself。　Pretty　crazy；　right？〃
　　The　other　two　nodded　in　agreement。
　　〃So　I　reckon；　what's　so　secret　that　I　can't　let　anybody　know　I　know　it；　not　the　Galactic　Government；　not　even　myself？　And　the　answer　is　I　don't　know。　Obviously。　But　I　put　a　few　things　together　and　I　can　begin　to　guess。　When　did　I　decide　to　run　for　President？　Shortly　after　the　death　of　President　Yooden　Vranx。　You　remember　Yooden；　Ford？〃
　　〃Yeah；〃　said　Ford；　〃he　was　that　guy　we　met　when　we　were　kids；　the　Arcturan　captain。　He　was　a　gas。　He　gave　us　conkers　when　you　bust　your　way　into　his　megafreighter。　Said　you　were　the　most　amazing　kid　he'd　ever　met。〃
　　〃What's　all　this？〃　said　Trillian。
　　〃Ancient　history；〃　said　Ford；　〃when　we　were　kids　together　on　Betelgeuse。　The　Arcturan　megafreighters　used　to　carry　most　of　the　bulky　trade　between　the　Galactic　Centre　and　the　outlying　regions。　The　Betelgeuse　trading　scouts　used　to　find　the　markets　and　the　Arcturans　would　supply　them。　There　was　a　lot　of　trouble　with　space　pirates　before　they　were　wiped　out　in　the　Dordellis　wars；　and　the　megafreighters　had　to　be　equipped　with　the　most　fantastic　defence　shields　known　to　Galactic　science。　They　were　real　brutes　of　ships；　and　huge。　In　orbit　round　a　planet　they　would　eclipse　the　sun。
　　〃One　day；　young　Zaphod　here　decides　to　raid　one。　On　a　tri…jet　scooter　designed　for　stratosphere　work；　a　mere　kid。　I　mean　forget　it；　it　was　crazier　than　a　mad　monkey。　I　went　along　for　the　ride　because　I'd　got　some　very　safe　money　on　him　not　doing　it；　and　didn't　want　him　ing　back　with　fake　evidence。　So　what　happens？　We　got　in　his　tri…jet　which　he　had　souped　up　into　something　totally　other；　crossed　three　parsecs　in　a　matter　of　weeks；　bust　our　way　into　a　megafreighter　I　still　don't　know　how；　marched　on　to　the　bridge　waving　toy　pistols　and　demanded　conkers。　A　wilder　thing　I　have　not　known。　Lost　me　a　year's　pocket　money。　For　what？　Conkers。〃
　　〃The　captain　was　this　really　amazing　guy；　Yooden　Vranx；〃　said　Zaphod。　〃He　gave　us　food；　booze　…　stuff　from　really　weird　parts　of　the　Galaxy　…　lots　of　conkers　of　course；　and　we　had　just　the　most　incredible　time。　Then　he　teleported　us　back。　Into　the　maximum　security　wing　of　Betelgeuse　state　prison。　He　was　a　cool　guy。　Went　on　to　bee　President　of　the　Galaxy。〃
　　Zaphod　paused。
　　The　scene　around　them　was　currently　plunged　into　gloom。　Dark　mists　swirled　round　them　and　elephantine　shapes　lurked　indistinctly　in　the　shadows。　The　air　was　occasionally　rent　with　the　sounds　of　illusory　beings　murdering　other　illusory　beings。　Presumably　enough　people　must　have　liked　this　sort　of　thing　to　make　it　a　paying　proposition。
　　〃Ford；〃　said　Zaphod　quietly。
　　〃Yeah？〃
　　〃Just　before　Yooden　died　he　came　to　see　me。〃
　　〃What？　You　never　told　me。〃
　　〃No。〃
　　〃What　did　he　say？　What　did　he　e　to　see　you　about？〃
　　〃He　told　me　about　the　Heart　of　Gold。　It　was　his　idea　that　I　should　steal　it。〃
　　〃His　idea？〃
　　〃Yeah；〃　said　Zaphod；　〃and　the　only　possible　way　of　stealing　it　was　to　be　at　the　launching　ceremony。〃
　　Ford　gaped　at　him　in　astonishment　for　a　moment；　and　then　roared　with　laughter。
　　〃Are　you　telling　me；〃　he　said；　〃that　you　set　yourself　up　to　bee　President　of　the　Galaxy　just　to　steal　that　ship？〃
　　〃That's　it；〃　said　Zaphod　with　the　sort　of　grin　that　would　get　most　people　locked　away　in　a　room　with　soft　walls。
　　〃But　why？〃　said　Ford。　〃What's　so　important　about　having　it？〃
　　〃Dunno；〃　said　Zaphod；　〃I　think　if　I'd　consciously　known　what　was　so　important　about　it　and　what　I　would　need　it　for　it　would　have　showed　up　on　the　brain　screening　tests　and　I　would　never　have　passed。　I　think　Yooden　told　me　a　lot　of　things　that　are　still　locked　away。〃
　　〃So　you　think　you　went　and　mucked　about　inside　your　own　brain　as　a　result　of　Yooden　talking　to　you？〃
　　〃He　was　a　hell　of　a　talker。〃
　　〃Yeah；　but　Zaphod　old　mate；　you　want　to　look　after　yourself　you　know。〃
　　Zaphod　shrugged。
　　〃I　mean；　don't　you　have　any　inkling　of　the　reasons　for　all　this？〃　asked　Ford。
　　Zaphod　thought　hard　about　this　and　doubts　seemed　to　cross　his　minds。
　　〃No；〃　he　said　at　last；　〃I　don't　seem　to　be　letting　myself　into　any　of　my　secrets。　Still；〃　he　added　on　further　reflection；　〃I　can　understand　that。　I　wouldn't　trust　myself　further　than　I　could　spit　a　rat。〃
　　A　moment　later；　the　last　planet　in　the　catalogue　vanished　from　beneath　them　and　the　solid　world　resolved　itself　again。
　　They　were　sitting　in　a　plush　waiting　room　full　of　glass…top　tables　and　design　awards。
　　A　tall　Magrathean　man　was　standing　in　front　of　them。
　　〃The　mice　will　see　you　now；〃　he　said。
　　
　　
　　　Chapter　30
　　
　　〃So　there　you　have　it；〃　said　Slartibartfast；　making　a　feeble　and　perfunctory　attempt　to　clear　away　some　of　the　appalling　mess　of　his　study。　He　picked　up　a　paper　from　the　top　of　a　pile；　but　then　couldn't　think　of　anywhere　else　to　put　it；　so　he　but　it　back　on　top　of　the　original　pile　which　promptly　fell　over。　〃Deep　Thought　designed　the　Earth；　we　built　it　and　you　lived　on　it。〃
　　〃And　the　Vogons　came　and　destroyed　it　five　minutes　before　the　program　was　pleted；〃　added　Arthur；　not　unbitterly。
　　〃Yes；〃　said　the　old　man；　pausing　to　gaze　hopelessly　round　the　room。　〃Ten　million　years　of　planning　and　work　gone　just　like　that。　Ten　million　years；　Earthman。。。　can　you　conceive　of　that　kind　of　time　span？　A　galactic　civilization　could　grow　from　a　single　worm　five　times　over　in　that　time。　Gone。〃　He　paused。
　　〃Well　that's　bureaucracy　for　you；〃　he　added。
　　〃You　know；〃　said　Arthur　thoughtfully；　〃all　this　explains　a　lot　of　things。　All　through　my　life　I've　had　this　strange　unaccountable　feeling　that　something　was　going　on　in　the　world；　something　big；　even　sinister；　and　no　one　would　tell　me　what　it　was。〃
　　〃No；〃　said　the　old　man；　〃that's　just　perfectly　normal　paranoia。　Everyone　in　the　Universe　has　that。〃
　　〃Everyone？〃　said　Arthur。　〃Well；　if　everyone　has　that　perhaps　it　means　something！　Perhaps　somewhere　outside　the　Universe　we　know。。。〃
　　〃Maybe。　Who　cares？〃　said　Slartibartfast　before　Arthur　got　too　excited。　〃Perhaps　I'm　old　and　tired；〃　he　continued；　〃but　I　always　think　that　the　chances　of　finding　out　what　really　is　going　on　are　so　absurdly　remote　that　the　only　thing　to　do　is　to　say　hang　the　sense　of　it　and　just　keep　yourself　occupied。　Look　at　me：　I　design　coastlines。　I　got　an　award　for　Norway。〃
　　He　rummaged　around　in　a　pile　of　debris　and　pulled　out　a　large　perspex　block　with　his　name　on　it　and　a　model　of　Norway　moulded　into　it。
　　〃Where's　the　sense　in　that？〃　he　said。　〃None　that　I've　been　able　to　make　out。　I've　been　doing　fjords　in　all　my　life。　For　a　fleeting　moment　t