da.thehitchhikersguidetothegalaxy-第7部分

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inciples　of　interstellar　travel。　Within　a　few　short　Vog　years　every　last　Vogon　had　migrated　to　the　Megabrantis　cluster；　the　political　hub　of　the　Galaxy　and　now　formed　the　immensely　powerful　backbone　of　the　Galactic　Civil　Service。　They　have　attempted　to　acquire　learning；　they　have　attempted　to　acquire　style　and　social　grace；　but　in　most　respects　the　modern　Vogon　is　little　different　from　his　primitive　forebears。　Every　year　they　import　twenty…seven　thousand　scintillating　jewelled　scuttling　crabs　from　their　native　planet　and　while　away　a　happy　drunken　night　smashing　them　to　bits　with　iron　mallets。
　　Prostetnic　Vogon　Jeltz　was　a　fairly　typical　Vogon　in　that　he　was　thoroughly　vile。　Also；　he　did　not　like　hitch　hikers。
　　Somewhere　in　a　small　dark　cabin　buried　deep　in　the　intestines　of　Prostetnic　Vogon　Jeltz's　flagship；　a　small　match　flared　nervously。　The　owner　of　the　match　was　not　a　Vogon；　but　he　knew　all　about　them　and　was　right　to　be　nervous。　His　name　was　Ford　Prefect2。
　　He　looked　about　the　cabin　but　could　see　very　little；　strange　monstrous　shadows　loomed　and　leaped　with　the　tiny　flickering　flame；　but　all　was　quiet。　He　breathed　a　silent　thank　you　to　the　Dentrassis。　The　Dentrassis　are　an　unruly　tribe　of　gourmands；　a　wild　but　pleasant　bunch　whom　the　Vogons　had　recently　taken　to　employing　as　catering　staff　on　their　long　haul　fleets；　on　the　strict　understanding　that　they　keep　themselves　very　much　to　themselves。
　　This　suited　the　Dentrassis　fine；　because　they　loved　Vogon　money；　which　is　one　of　the　hardest　currencies　in　space；　but　loathed　the　Vogons　themselves。　The　only　sort　of　Vogon　a　Dentrassi　liked　to　see　was　an　annoyed　Vogon。
　　It　was　because　of　this　tiny　piece　of　information　that　Ford　Prefect　was　not　now　a　whiff　of　hydrogen；　ozone　and　carbon　monoxide。
　　He　heard　a　slight　groan。　By　the　light　of　the　match　he　saw　a　heavy　shape　moving　slightly　on　the　floor。　Quickly　he　shook　the　match　out；　reached　in　his　pocket；　found　what　he　was　looking　for　and　took　it　out。　He　crouched　on　the　floor。　The　shape　moved　again。
　　Ford　Prefect　said：　〃I　bought　some　peanuts。〃
　　Arthur　Dent　moved；　and　groaned　again；　muttering　incoherently。
　　〃Here；　have　some；〃　urged　Ford；　shaking　the　packet　again；　〃if　you've　never　been　through　a　matter　transference　beam　before　you've　probably　lost　some　salt　and　protein。　The　beer　you　had　should　have　cushioned　your　system　a　bit。〃
　　〃Whhhrrrr。。。〃　said　Arthur　Dent。　He　opened　his　eyes。
　　〃It's　dark；〃　he　said。
　　〃Yes；〃　said　Ford　Prefect；　〃it's　dark。〃
　　〃No　light；〃　said　Arthur　Dent。　〃Dark；　no　light。〃
　　One　of　the　things　Ford　Prefect　had　always　found　hardest　to　understand　about　human　beings　was　their　habit　of　continually　stating　and　repeating　the　obvious；　as　in　It's　a　nice　day；　or　You're　very　tall；　or　Oh　dear　you　seem　to　have　fallen　down　a　thirty…foot　well；　are　you　alright？　At　first　Ford　had　formed　a　theory　to　account　for　this　strange　behaviour。　If　human　beings　don't　keep　exercising　their　lips；　he　thought；　their　mouths　probably　seize　up。　After　a　few　months'　consideration　and　observation　he　abandoned　this　theory　in　favour　of　a　new　one。　If　they　don't　keep　on　exercising　their　lips；　he　thought；　their　brains　start　working。　After　a　while　he　abandoned　this　one　as　well　as　being　obstructively　cynical　and　decided　he　quite　liked　human　beings　after　all；　but　he　always　remained　desperately　worried　about　the　terrible　number　of　things　they　didn't　know　about。
　　〃Yes；〃　he　agreed　with　Arthur；　〃no　light。〃　He　helped　Arthur　to　some　peanuts。　〃How　do　you　feel？〃　he　asked。
　　〃Like　a　military　academy；〃　said　Arthur；　〃bits　of　me　keep　on　passing　out。〃
　　Ford　stared　at　him　blankly　in　the　darkness。
　　〃If　I　asked　you　where　the　hell　we　were；〃　said　Arthur　weakly；　〃would　I　regret　it？〃
　　Ford　stood　up。　〃We're　safe；〃　he　said。
　　〃Oh　good；〃　said　Arthur。
　　〃We're　in　a　small　galley　cabin；〃　said　Ford；　〃in　one　of　the　spaceships　of　the　Vogon　Constructor　Fleet。〃
　　〃Ah；〃　said　Arthur；　〃this　is　obviously　some　strange　usage　of　the　word　safe　that　I　wasn't　previously　aware　of。〃
　　Ford　struck　another　match　to　help　him　search　for　a　light　switch。　Monstrous　shadows　leaped　and　loomed　again。　Arthur　struggled　to　his　feet　and　hugged　himself　apprehensively。　Hideous　alien　shapes　seemed　to　throng　about　him；　the　air　was　thick　with　musty　smells　which　sidled　into　his　lungs　without　identifying　themselves；　and　a　low　irritating　hum　kept　his　brain　from　focusing。
　　〃How　did　we　get　here？〃　he　asked；　shivering　slightly。
　　〃We　hitched　a　lift；〃　said　Ford。
　　〃Excuse　me？〃　said　Arthur。　〃Are　you　trying　to　tell　me　that　we　just　stuck　out　our　thumbs　and　some　green　bug…eyed　monster　stuck　his　head　out　and　said；　Hi　fellas；　hop　right　in。　I　can　take　you　as　far　as　the　Basingstoke　roundabout？〃
　　〃Well；〃　said　Ford；　〃the　Thumb's　an　electronic　sub…Etha　signaling　device；　the　roundabout's　at　Barnard's　Star　six　light　years　away；　but　otherwise；　that's　more　or　less　right。〃
　　〃And　the　bug…eyed　monster？〃
　　〃Is　green；　yes。〃
　　〃Fine；〃　said　Arthur；　〃when　can　I　get　home？〃
　　〃You　can't；〃　said　Ford　Prefect；　and　found　the　light　switch。
　　〃Shade　your　eyes。。。〃　he　said；　and　turned　it　on。
　　Even　Ford　was　surprised。
　　〃Good　grief；〃　said　Arthur；　〃is　this　really　the　interior　of　a　flying　saucer？〃
　　Prostetnic　Vogon　Jeltz　heaved　his　unpleasant　green　body　round　the　control　bridge。　He　always　felt　vaguely　irritable　after　demolishing　populated　planets。　He　wished　that　someone　would　e　and　tell　him　that　it　was　all　wrong　so　that　he　could　shout　at　them　and　feel　better。　He　flopped　as　heavily　as　he　could　on　to　his　control　seat　in　the　hope　that　it　would　break　and　give　him　something　to　be　genuinely　angry　about；　but　it　only　gave　a　plaining　sort　of　creak。
　　〃Go　away！〃　he　shouted　at　a　young　Vogon　guard　who　entered　the　bridge　at　that　moment。　The　guard　vanished　immediately；　feeling　rather　relieved。　He　was　glad　it　wouldn't　now　be　him　who　delivered　the　report　they'd　just　received。　The　report　was　an　official　release　which　said　that　a　wonderful　new　form　of　spaceship　drive　was　at　this　moment　being　unveiled　at　a　government　research　base　on　Damogran　which　would　henceforth　make　all　hyperspatial　express　routes　unnecessary。
　　Another　door　slid　open；　but　this　time　the　Vogon　captain　didn't　shout　because　it　was　the　door　from　the　galley　quarters　where　the　Dentrassis　prepared　his　meals。　A　meal　would　be　most　wele。
　　A　huge　furry　creature　bounded　through　the　door　with　his　lunch　tray。　It　was　grinning　like　a　maniac。
　　Prostetnic　Vogon　Jeltz　was　delighted。　He　knew　that　when　a　Dentrassi　looked　that　pleased　with　itself　there　was　something　going　on　somewhere　on　the　ship　that　he　could　get　very　angry　indeed　about。
　　Ford　and　Arthur　stared　about　them。
　　〃Well；　what　do　you　think？〃　said　Ford。
　　〃It's　a　bit　squalid；　isn't　it？〃
　　Ford　frowned　at　the　grubby　mattress；　unwashed　cups　and　unidentifiable　bits　of　smelly　alien　underwear　that　lay　around　the　cramped　cabin。
　　〃Well；　this　is　a　working　ship；　you　see；〃　said　Ford。　〃These　are　the　Dentrassi　sleeping　quarters。〃
　　〃I　thought　you　said　they　were　called　Vogons　or　something。〃
　　〃Yes；〃　said　Ford；　〃the　Vogons　run　the　ship；　the　Dentrassis　are　the　cooks；　they　let　us　on　board。〃
　　〃I'm　confused；〃　said　Arthur。
　　〃Here；　have　a　look　at　this；〃　said　Ford。　He　sat　down　on　one　of　the　mattresses　and　rummaged　about　in　his　satchel。　Arthur　prodded　the　mattress　nervously　and　then　sat　on　it　himself：　in　fact　he　had　very　little　to　be　nervous　about；　because　all　mattresses　grown　in　the　swamps　of　Squornshellous　Zeta　are　very　thoroughly　killed　and　dried　before　being　put　to　service。　Very　few　have　ever　e　to　life　again。
　　Ford　handed　the　book　to　Arthur。
　　〃What　is　it？〃　asked　Arthur。
　　〃The　Hitch　Hiker's　Guide　to　the　Galaxy。　It's　a　sort　of　electronic　book。　It　tells　you　everything　you　need　to　know　about　anything。　That's　its　job。〃
　　Arthur　turned　it　over　nervously　in　his　hands。
　　〃I　like　the　cover；〃　he　said。　〃Don't　Panic。　It's　the　first　helpful　or　intelligible　thing　anybody's　said　to　me　all　day。〃
　　〃I'll　show　you　how　it　works；〃　said　Ford。　He　snatched　it　from　Arthur　who　was　still　holding　it　as　if　it　was　a　two…week…dead　lark　and　pulled　it　out　of　its　cover。
　　〃You　press　this　button　here　you　see　and　the　screen　lights　up　giving　you　the　index。〃
　　A　screen；　about　three　inches　by　four；　lit　up　and　characters　began　to　flicker　across　the　surface。
　　〃You　want　to　know　about　Vogons；　so　I　enter　that　name　so。〃　His　fingers　tapped　some　more　keys。　〃And　there　we　are。〃
　　The　words　Vogon　Constructor　Fleets　flared　in　green　across　the　screen。
　　Ford　pressed　a　large　red　button　at　the　bottom　of　the　screen　and　words　began　to　undulate　across　it。　At　the　same　time；　the　book　began　to　speak　the　entry　as　well　in　a　still　quiet　measured　voice。　This　is　what　the　book　said。
　　〃Vogon　Constructor　Fleets。　Here　is　what　to　do　if　you　want　to　get　a　lift　from　a　Vogon：　forget　it。　They　are　one　of　the　most　unpleasant　races　in　the　Galaxy　…　not　actually　evil；　but　bad　tempered；　bureaucratic；　officious　and　callous。　They　wouldn't　even　lift　a　finger　to　save　their　own　grandmothers　from　the　Ravenous　Bugblatter　Beast　of　Traal　without　orders　signed　in　triplicate；　sent　in；　sent　back；　queried；　lost；　found；　subjected　to　public　inquiry；　lost　again；　and　finally　buried　in　soft　peat　and　recycled　as　firelighters。
　　〃The　best　way　to　get　a　drink　out　of　a　Vogon　is　to　stick　your　finger　down　his　throat；　and　the　best　way　to　irritate　him　is　to　feed　his　grandmother　to　the　Ravenous　Bugblatter　Beast　of　Traal。
　　〃On　no　account　allow　a　Vogon　to　read　poetry　at　you。〃
　　Arthur　blinked　at　it。
　　〃What　a　strange　book。　How　did　we　get　a　lift　then？〃
　　〃That's　the　point；　it's　out　of　date　now；〃　said　Ford；　sliding　the　book　back　into　its　cover。　〃I'm　doing　the　field　research　for　the　New　Revised　Edition；　and　one　of　the　things　I'll　have　to　include　is　a　bit　about　how　the　Vogons　now　employ　Dentrassi　cooks　which　gives　us　a　rather　useful　little　loophole。〃
　　A　pained　expression　crossed　Arthur's　face。　〃But　who　are　the　Dentrassi？〃　he　said。
　　〃Great　guys；〃　said　Ford。　〃They're　the　best　cooks　and　the　best　drink　mixers　and　they　don't　give　a　wet　slap　about　anything　else。　And　they'll　always　help　hitch　hikers　aboard；　partly　because　they　like　the　pany；　but　mostly　because　it　annoys　the　Vogons。　Which　is　exactly　th